I'm sick of caring about what people think.

I'm a male that's struggled with my sexuality for years now. I know that I love women mentally, physically, sexually, emotionally, and romantically. I can always find things about women of all different types that I find attractive. However, I am very shallow when it comes to men and only find good looking guys, good looking. I'm not sure if its a sexual attraction or an admiration for my fellow man's beauty. My issue is that I've developed a terrible habit over the years of thinking that people think I'm gay when I interact with them in person. This bad habit covers all people not just men and I'm sick of it. For example if I look in a man's eyes for too long, i think about whether he thinks I'm gay or not. I never spend anytime thinking about whether I'm actually sexually attracted to the man standing in front of me or not but rather whether they think I'm gay or not. I'm so sick of thinking about what other people think. I seriously have tried not caring but this age-old habit won't leave my mind regardless. I'm getting too old for this shit and I feel like I have a fear of being gay rather than actually being gay. I'm trying to break this terrible habit but it just won't go away. Am I in denial of being gay or do I really just care too much about what other people think?

 

I'm going to use a perfect example of how I feel right now. I'm currently depressed simply because I'm annoyed of the people around me. That's why I'm not feeling good but every time I get depressed about other issues my habitual homophobic fears come into play and I start thinking about that issue as described above. I've read a lot of posts and see that a lot of people struggle with their sexuality but have yet to see anything relative to my issue. Maybe that's why 44 views later no one has responded because they can't offer advice on an issue they can't relate to.

 

Try mindfulness meditation, yeah I know, meditation.It may help. I've only just started learning it and feel better about myself. It teaches you to let go, and learn how to live. try looking up jon kabat-zinn on youtube. It'll change your thinking about buddhist views.

 

A good idea here would be to always remember that people really do not care. Sad as this may be for some, people really care about their own things. The fact that someone may or may not be gay makes a great gossip topic but there is nothing beyond that. Sure, Joe may be gay. Wow! I still have to pay my bills, try to get laid, hit the gym, and promote my business. So, after spending 3 minutes flat telling someone that I think that Joe may be gay, I still have to go back to what matters to me. Who the heck gives a flying about the Joe and what happens in his bedroom?

One of the greatest fallacies of our civilization is that too many people believe that their thoughts, ideas and lifestyles really matter to the others. If the others are not poised to benefit from what you are doing, their interest in you and your issues is really beyond being infinitesimal.

KD