I dated a great guy for seven years, we lived together for about five years. We had split for a few months, he left in November of 07 saying that I deserved better and he felt he would ruin my life so he left me. I got rid of our house and tried to move on moving back in with my mom till I could figure out my next move. In February we talked a few times online, I was still in love with him and very hurt but started seeing someone else to try and get over him, it wasn't working. He told me how his band was breaking up and asked me if I would go to their last show, and I said I would try and go. I really wanted to go that night but just couldn't bring myself to see him I was so hurt by him leaving me and mad at how he did it and I still loved him soo much I decided that it be too hard so I stayed home. The next night, I received a phone call from the police stating that he had been found dead in the garage in his car and had killed himself the night before with carbon monoxide poisioning, this was march of 2008. There isn't a day that goes by still where I don't think about it. I blame myself alot, I wonder if his friends blame me, most of them don't really talk to me anymore, the only one that does just tries to sleep with me which is beyond fucked up on its own. I can't help but feel like I contributed to killing a man, and lots of times the guilt is unbearable to live with. I've never been able to love the same either and its really effected my life in other ways as well. I've been in and out of psych hospitals and been seeing a therapist for five years now. Things have gotten better but I still feel guilty and I think I always will.
I think that if you really still feel like you contributed to his death in some way, after all this time, then that's what you feel and I wouldn't try to talk you out of feeling that. What I think the key may be, is to go with that feeling and proceed straight into forgiving yourself for any role you feel you might have played, whatever the size. Forgive yourself like you would forgive a friend or family member that you love. Forgive yourself like you would someone who was caught up in relationship drama. Forgive yourself like you would someone who tried her best to love a troubled man. Forgive yourself like he would forgive you. :grouphug:
Dude wasn't mentally strong. Not even close to your fault, as I'm sure he had an entire HISTORY of depression, and/or suicidal tendencies. Would be a shame if you succumbed to the same thing. As humans we gotta learn to be bright in an otherwise grim place. Your health/happiness depends on it. @ the end of the day, you/your body has to feel said emotions... that's way too stressful. Learn from it. Value your relationships more than the average person taking them for granted. Come to accept life's fucked up sometimes and people die -- in fact, a lot more than sometimes, but we just turn a blind eye. Hopefully you won't have to experience that again for a long time, but you owe it to yourself to finish what health & life you still have left. Sorry about your sit.
we can only control our own lives and destinies. you have no responsibility to maintain anyone elses. (unless it is for your child, but they grow up and take over their own) does something you do affect others? yes. do you control how it does? no. maybe he felt bad about what he did to you. maybe the band was how he stayed sane after leaving you. probably it was the band breaking up... he knew it was the last show, he planned to end it that night, and wanted to see you one last time. saying you will try to make it was NOT a commitment to be at the show. it is good that you are seeing a therapist, you should continue that for as long as you are suffering. no Love is wasted. remember the Love, and the joy, and the good times. forgive the transgressions in your memory. he chose to give up. he could have chosen to ask you for a second chance. its not your fault, and you should not have to live with unnecessary guilt. you can accept the blame if you want to, but you have to choose that. just my opinion i guess. i know i could not accept the blame (even in my own mind) for something that wasnt my fault. I hope you feel better and find peace in your heart.
Such a sad thing to happen, I'm sorry. I haven't any experience with this but a good friend of mine commited suicide and I know the heartache it brings. The unanswered questions are one of the main things that will hold us back from being able to move on, and there are plenty of those. Unfortunately there is no way we can find what we are searching for when it comes to that and it is very hard to realise and fully accept that. Like Aerianne said, you need to try to forgive yourself, as horrible as it may sound, one of the reasons you cant move on is because you are holding onto these emotions and they are controlling your life and mentality. I have found that talking to myself as if I am standing right infront of me as a second person can help alot, asking questions, getting angry, crying, whatever, I always feel some sort of relief afterwards, it feels strange at first. Our minds are very complicated and are easily stuck or held back by such events, so by diving into that and questioning that you are sometimes able to view it from a different perspective and grow from that. Change won't happen over night, but gradually it can and will if you push for it. Blaming yourself, unfortunately, is completely normal when faced with a situation of heartache and loss and much of the time we hold that blame and guilt for a long time. Therapy is good, but you must use it as a tool towards recovery, not a solution. Only you can completely change yourself, others can help and guide you but ultimately it is you that makes this change even if it is subconcious. I do hope you are able to overcome this tragedy and accept that it happened without feeling the guilt you do. Coming to terms with harsh reality can hurt a lot, moving on from it will help you in recovery and healing.
That's so sad.. Don't blame yourself, where would that lead you anyways? I can relate to those suicidal thoughts and its usually rather irrational and impulsive. I hope you can move on with your life, know that there are others who love you and others who will love you!
First of all, I'm sorry for what both of you went through. I went through a suicidal phase in the '80s, and that just sucks all around for everyone involved. What I say here, I say realizing that I'm not in your head/heart, and it's easy for someone to come along and give advice. Sometimes there are situations in which there really aren't good choices visible. You acted in the best way you knew how at the time. Perhaps instead of feeling guilty, you could take a life lesson. Fear and despair can really hold people back. I know they used to hold me back. I hope you'll reclaim your life and see that you're more than one decision that you've made.
