I've been thinking of a girl who isn't my girlfriend...?

I tried posting this in the advice thread, but then noticed that people seem to just make new threads for advice so I'm not sure where this goes but...

Hi. I don't know that it's advice that I'm looking for so much as other peoples' thoughts. it's a long story soo..
I've been dating this girl R for over two years. and I love her, I really do. But back in December, I met K through my best friend. Apparently My friend would talk about me to her and K really seemed to like me and was kinda bummed to find that I have a girlfriend. But we became fast friends anyway. By the end of December, we had this attraction that was impossible to deny. My friend, M, always said (even before K and I started hanging out) that we were so alike, and then when we became attracted to one another, he said it was fate. we get along on so many levels.
So we tried to be friends, we tried to ignore our attractions and I went on with my relationship with R, even though we were starting to fight a lot (mostly about K). but by the end of January, K and I couldn't handle it. It was breaking her heart to just be friends and I couldn't stand doing that to her. so we haven't talked in nearly two months.
I keep dreaming of her though, and I can't help but constantly ask how she's doing. I miss her. And the other day, while being intimate with R, she wasn't really getting me off. without meaning to, I started thinking of K. I immediately caught myself and looked at R and got myself back into the moment. but this isn't this first time it's happened.
Is it normal to think of somebody else while in bed with your girlfriend? or am i just a terrible person?

 

I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling so confused and unhappy We've all been there mate.

I'd like to know how long you and R have been together and what it is that attracted you to her initially?

I think one of the most important points i could make is that the grass is always greener on the other side. The coolage effect is often so strong it distorts our perspective. The thrill of a prospective new partner can be overwhelming...but is it worth losing what you have with R?

There is no such thing as soul mates (in my humble opinion!!!) or a perfect partner. There are a set of qualities we need and a set of qualities we cannot bear. After the coolage affect fades you may well find yourself back to square one...learning to accomodate this new person and trying desperately to meet in the middle.

Its understandable that while you're in limbo and not giving your current relationship 100% that you girls will be arguing. You have one foot in and one foot out so its no doubt repugnant to you to see R react emotionally and enviously. Try to envisage yourself in her situation and how painful it must be.

Forget about K for a little while...and perhaps try to recover your relationship with R. Really try. No matter how much you love someone there will always be times when you question it and wonder "Damn, do i really love this person?"

I urge you to give it a chance though...

New partners are never worth what they initially seem!!

I don't know you or R or K..but thats my prerogative. I wish you the very best of luck and hope you find solace and clarity soon enough x x x

 

You sound like you have moved on in who you are interested in and you will probably hurt yr gf more by pretending like feelings haven't changed with her.

 

I agree with sweetpea that there's no perfect partner. Given your fights with R are about K, there's actually a legitimate reason for those fights to be happening, meaning it's not just that you and R aren't suited or she's being unreasonable. It's probably worth following the advice to forget about the other woman for a while and see if your relationship is OK. Yes, we always have hot and cold periods with our partners. If you felt you and your girlfriend weren't right together *regardless of the other person*, then I'd suggest you think about breaking up, but you haven't really said that that is the case.

A couple of other things to consider:

Why did your friend M talk about you all the time to R and then say it's 'fate' that you became attracted? Sounds like he doesn't respect you current relationship. Does he get along with your girlfriend?

I know you've said your attraction with R was 'impossible to deny', but generally the people I've known who go after people with partners do not make good partners themselves. Be careful that you don't fall victim to a classic homewrecker situation. This may not apply in your case, but just thought I'd raise the possibility.

None of this makes you a terrible person. You're just confused and these situations are difficult.

 

Alright, sweetpea, you said take some time away from K. we haven't talked in nearly two months. I've been putting in the honest effort with R, and she seems to think things are going great now, better than before even. but she doesn't know that K seems to sneak into my dreams.

I've been with R for two years. up until about january though, we were not permitted to see each other, as her parents were not okay with her being gay and they hated me for "changing" her. we hit a rough patch in november, before I even met K, though R would only ever fight about K, she wouldn't let me bring up the other stuff.

As for My friend, I'm pretty much his only friend (we're losers and only ever hang out with each other.) and since he works with K, whenever he'd tell stories of something he did in his free time, i was in the story. He gets along alright with R, though he's thought since the beginning that she was going to break my heart, and he thinks she is immature and doesn't know what she wants and can't give me the serious relationship i crave. he just wants the best for me.
Even before I met K (well truly met), M would make jokes about how she was the older version of me, and that that was why he became so close to her.

Now, The "homewrecker" situation mentioned by Mrs Jones. K tried really hard to hide her attraction to me, and I'm really good at hiding my own thoughts/emotions. I knew right away that she liked me though. So one night, we brought it out into the open. She had gone quiet while we were hanging out and i asked what was on her mind. She responded with "I want to kiss you, but I know I can't" she couldn't stand the idea of messing up my relationship, because she knew how much I had gone through to get to where I am. She's not a typical homewrecker. She tried multiple times to just stop talking to me so that she wouldn't have to deal with wanting to be with me.

 

I feel your pain and I'm going through something very similar myself. I'm not too sure what the best advice is. I would say you need to work on your relationship first. I would continue not to see the other person you referred to until you have given your relationship your focus.

I'd say you need to establish if your relationship is worth fighting for. If you give 100% focus and it's still not right and you decide to end it - make sure it's based on the relationship and not this other person.

 

Young Grasshopper, I'm going to give you some advice:

"Polyamory Website

This is a polyamory website designed to help people understand polyamory and how to deal the problems that arise not only in polyamorous relationships but in monogamous or any relationships: http://www.xeromag.com/fvmonopoly.html

Here’s an excerpt:

“About thirteen or fourteen years ago, I was dating a woman I’d met at college, who I’ll call R. During the course of our relationship, R started dating another close friend of mine, T. And for the first time in my life, for the first time in my history (at the time) of a half-dozen successful long-term poly relationships, I was jealous.

I don’t mean “You know, this makes me uncomfortable” jealous. I mean “completely overwhelmed, smashed to pieces beneath a tidal wave of feelings I could not anticipate or predict or control; gut-wrenching, wanting-to-puke” jealous. I mean the kind of jealous that consumes every other feeling and leaves nothing but ashes behind. I’d never felt those things before, and when I was in the middle of those feelings the only thing—the only thing—I could think about was making the feelings stop, however I could.

Because it happened when she was with T, and didn’t happen at other times, I made the logical, reasonable, and totally stupid assumption that the cause of the feelings was her relationship with T. From there, I reached the equally stupid conclusion that the thing which would make the jealousy go away was if she changed something about her behavior or her relationship with T. (I also didn’t really recognize the jealousy for what it was, powerful as it was, because I’d never felt it before, which only reinforced the notion that it was “caused by” her relationship with him.)

I behaved pretty reprehensibly, playing passive-aggressive games and just generally acting like…well, like a lot of people dealing with their first crisis in a poly relationship act. Predictably, it destroyed my relationship with her. She went on to marry T and cut me out of her life completely; the very thing I was afraid of came to pass because of my jealousy. Had I not behaved the way I did, we’d probably still be close, almost fifteen years later.

In hindsight, now that I have a lot more experience and a bit more emotional wisdom under my belt, I can see where I went wrong. When a person feels jealous, and attributes the jealousy to the things which trigger the jealousy, he doesn’t actually understand the jealousy. It’s a bit like a person who has never seen a rabbit except when it’s being pursued by a dog believing that the dog is the cause of the rabbit. In reality, jealousy is built of other emotions; jealousy is not “caused” in any direct sense by the action which triggers it, but rather by a different emotional response to the act which triggers it.

In my case, R and I had never really discussed her relationship with T; nor had we talked about, in any capacity at all, what her intentions with T were or what effect, if any, that would have on her intentions with and her relationship with me. Put most simply, I saw her and T together, I had no idea what that meant for her and I, so I became afraid of being replaced. The fear of being replaced, in turn, led to the jealousy.

Now, had I actually taken the time to examine the jealousy and really try to understand it, I probably would’ve figured that out. And, once I understood that the jealousy was caused by a fear of being replaced…well, a fear of being replaced is a fear that you can work with. A fear of being replaced, all things considered, is really not that difficult to address. All it requires is conversation about intentions, perhaps a bit of reassurance, and time enough to demonstrate that the conversations and reassurance are genuine, and hey, there you go.

Getting back to the refrigerator:

Fixing the refrigerator means doing exactly that. It means saying “I know that I am feeling jealous. I know that the jealousy is brought about by some other emotion—some emotion which is triggered by the action that makes me jealous. I need to figure out what that other emotion is, and I need to figure out why that action triggers that emotion.”

Until you do that, you are helpless in the face of the jealousy. If you don’t understand it, there is nothing you can do to address it. Trying to understand it isn’t easy; when you’re ass-deep in alligators, it’s easy to forget that the initial goal was to drain the swamp, and when you’re entirely overwhelmed by gut-wrenching emotions that are tearing you to pieces, it’s easy to forget that these emotions are grounded in some other emotions. In the middle of jealousy, all you want is for the jealousy to stop, and you don’t care how.”"

Read and contemplate, please.~

Love,

~Bliss

 

Starrchild, it sounds like you have made an effort with your current relationship. If it isn't what you want - regardless of whether K is available or not - then you should think about ending it. The hard part is being sure about what you want! But I hope these replies have helped you to think it through and come to some answers. Good luck.

 

I do this myself and then feel really guilty and love my lover extra more

 

I am putting in the effort with R, and I sometimes am totally happy with her, most of the time in fact. But, I can't help but think of K, and I find it keeps happening when R and I are being intimate. And the thing is, K and I were never really that intimate. well, we were close, but like..

I want to be with R, I can still see myself spending the rest of my life with her. I just don't know how to stop my thoughts about K. And it doesn't help that I see little things that remind me of her constantly.

And thank you all for your input, it's nice to have people I can talk to about this, even though I don't know any of you.

 

Please take the time to read my previous post about jealously.~ This is an issue that can come up regardless of K, and at the worst can end up alienating you from everyone but your lover.~

It's sounds like you may be polyamorous meaning you love R, but you still want to see what a relationship with K would be like, not in the "I just want to have sex with them", but in the "I want to see if I can love K".~

No one's relationships are the same, you don't have to love one and only one person nor do you have to feel obligated to nor are you.~ There is abosulutly nothing wrong with loving your girlfriend but still falling in love with another woman to.~ YOU CAN LOVE THEM BOTH!~

The issue comes up with R's jealously, and this is NOT just related to K but is generally a symptom of a much deeper underlying problem that won't go away by taking K out of the picture.~ Please take the time to read my previous post in it's entirety as this issue is explained in full.~

Love,

~Bliss

 

stop posting here please

ladies only in this section...no men..straight or gay ..no exceptions (except for moderators)