I wanna fuck my friend

Dear contributors,

I'm not gonna answer the individual posts one by one, because I see that in the end, you have all kind of agreed on a few points. So, I'll try to answer all of you in this post. But I've read everything and I thank all the contributions.

Well, nowhere did I call myself a martyr. On the contrary, I've insisted in the fact he is a good person. And in at least one of my posts, I say that my problem isn't lack of self-esteem: I just need sex. I need sex. I miss sex. That's all. Is it really so difficult to understand?

You guys seem to live in a black/white world. I'm happy for you. Sincerely.

The world I live in is just grey. My husband isn't perfect, but I'm yet to meet a perfect person. I'm married to a man I love, who isn't perfect, just like I'm not, and my guess is that none of you are. This man has a flaw: he's selfish. I know it and I'm living with it. I can handle this part of his personality. I'm used to being alone, now. The one thing I can't handle is the lack of sexual satisfaction.

So, to deal with it, I have sex with other men. They don't write manuals on how to manage open relationships. I'm learning as I go. And I've learned I'd be happier if I could fuck men I know and trust, instead of strangers. You may disagree as much as you want, but we aren't all the same. Allow me that we think differently.

My OP was about that. I can't understand why he'd prefer to have me have sex with strangers, with all the risks involved, instead of allowing me to have sex with a good friend.

I've said nowhere I'm a martyr. I'm just a sex starved woman. I didn't go blaming people. On the contrary, on a few of my posts I talk about it and what I say is that it isn't a matter of blaming people. And I say he's a good person. He is. The situation is as it is. I accepted he doesn't wanna please me in bed. So, I've adapted. And I'm still adapting, because, as I've said, I'm learning as it happens.

One of you accused me of being a prude, a Christian, etc. Well, I'm a hardcore atheist. I don't believe in god, Jesus Christ, other gods, crystals, astrology, etc. Not at all. What kind of a prude would be fucking strangers in a lifestyle club? I'm yet to meet one there. Did you really meet prude women in lifestyle clubs?

But, true, I would be perfectly happy if my husband wanted to give me pleasure in bed. He'd suffice. Not because I'm a prude, but because I love him. After all, of all others, he's the man one day I've chosen. But since he doesn't want that, after more than a decade of frustration, I've taken to the only option: an open relationship. I don't need other men. I need sexual satisfaction. And the fact I fuck strangers is on the way of my happiness. Because I'm afraid of STDs.

Now, I've been accused of being a prude, because I'm afraid of contracting an STD.

I thought safe sex was the norm. I don't think of myself as an exception when I wanna have safe sex. I thought this was just normal, and I was surprised to read your remark. It is your opinion and all I can do is to thank you for sharing it, but I choose to politely disagree.

One of you thought I was very ignorant, misinformed about STDs and safe sex. I'm not. I've read a lot about it.

The last post was about blaming again. Like I've said, I specifically said it wasn't about blaming anyone. And I'll repeat: he's a good person. He's just selfish. Saying he's not perfect doesn't mean I'm blaming him.

One of you tell me my husband won't change. You surely didn't read a few of my posts where I say exactly that. He won't change. I went as far as saying he "can't" change. I've explained why, too.

It is the way he is. So, I accepted that and I try to work my way around it, to find solutions for the problems his ways create. I'm not expecting him to change. I thought I had made that clear.

I think one should try to save a marriage. I'm trying to save mine. I've adapted to live in solitude and never expect him to do anything for me. The one thing I can't live without is sex. And I'm still looking for a solution to this problem. The day I can say I've tried everything and it didn't work, I can abandon him with a clean conscience. Not before. I also thought that was the right thing to do. I see most of you disagree. Let us just politely recognize we have diverging ideas about it.

One of you also accused me of letting myself be used, so that I could play martyr. Play martyr to whom? And what kind of person wants to play martyr and starts that by saying she's upset because her husband doesn't wanna allow her to fuck her friend? I think you perhaps haven't read my post where I say I sort things in my mind first, before acting upon them. I vent, to avoid disturbing him unnecessarily. I don't like arguments. But I'm not even venting it to him. I do it on my own. The most I'll disturb anyone with my problems is writing on a forum like this, to vent.

Again, you don't know me. You felt free to judge and I can only hope you felt good about it. You can do it again. It is your opinion, I politely disagree, but you're entitled to say what you want. I promise I'll read twice.

Then, there was someone who said I "deserve" it. I understood it like this: I have a shitty marriage in your eyes, but I deserve it. Was it what you meant? If it was so, OK, it is your opinion. It sounds kind of vindicatory to me. Prosecutor, judge and jury. And I've got my penalty. OK, you're entitled to your opinion just like the rest of us. My marriage isn't perfect. I've never said it was. I deserve something bad? Why? Because I'm trying to save it? OK. Even if you disagree with my ways of trying to save it, I still fail to understand why you'd think I "deserve" something you think is bad. Anyway, I'm here, I'm feeling bad, so, I'm being "punished." I'm in this shitty situation just like I "deserve." Feel free to feel vindicated I'm being "punished."

I ask one thing of future contributors: don't call me angel, don't call me martyr. Because I'm the one who ends up being punished because of what you say. I'm none. I'm just_a_woman.

 

There's your problem. And it's more black & white than you know.

 

You're trying to have your cake and eat it too. He's a good person but he's selfish...you're not a martyr but you do everything for him while asking for nothing in return.

I think you're just as selfish as him. And since you gloss right over that fact, I'll call you a matyr wanna be.

There might be one thing you love more than sex: and that is, bitching. Mission accomplished.

 

fair enough. I'm not as forgiving of flaws as you, and I'm a lot more volatile than you. I don't sit on my feelings. I throw them out there immediately. I also have a huge problem with taking shit from anyone, even if I love them. So while I saw similiarities in your husband and someone I've dated before, I suppose the way we react makes the situations different.

I apologize if I was presumptuous. I don't really know why you're asking advice though. What could anyone possibly tell you that would satisfy you? You won't leave your husband. He doesn't want you to sleep with friends. He won't please you in bed. And your one neccessity in life is sex. What do you want us to say? There are only three options here. 1. Cheat on him behind his back. 2. Leave him so you can sleep with anyone you like. 3. Sacrifice sex for love.

There is a fourth option, i suppose. You have have sex with friends and tell him about it, negate his control over you, force him to deal with it.

 

Why should one worry when both partners were recently tested clean?

I didn't say it was impossible moron. I said the probability of infection from bjs is extremely low. And not to mention you didn't link to a single credible scientific or medical journal. I don't give a shit what Yahoo and About.com have to say about anything. But just to humor you... even the 7.8% you quoted from the Options Project is still considered extremely low.

It never ceases to amaze me how people who are brainwashed on the reality of STDs will come and try to tell someone like myself, who has ample experience and knowledge on the matter, that I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about

 

If calling me anything does you any good, brings you any satisfaction, by all means, call me whatever you want. My intention has never been to deprive you of your pleasures.

After all, what is in a label?

Edit: And I've noticed people "liked" one of your posts, so, you're making yourself popular. Keep doing what you do.

 

Just FYI, STDs are a major concern in promiscuous communities, whether friends or strangers. Even if everyone is getting tested regularly, it's not regularly enough. An STD can spread like wildfire in a population where a lot of sexual contact is occuring. In one case I know of, a group of friends of mine all got syphalis in the course of about 3 weeks. I left town and they were all fucking like bunnies. I came back 3 weeks later and you shoulda seen their faces! At least they caught something that can be treated with antibiotics.

 

Don't you know you be promiscuous without negative consequences?

 

Woman, in your OP you said "If I don't ask him to finish me off, he tries to just turn and sleep." This implies that if you do ask him to, he does. So why don't you just ask? I understand that what you really want is for him to want to do it on his own. But I don't think you're recognizing how the typical male body works after an orgasm. I don't think that you should be offended that he just wants to roll over and sleep, or take it as a sign that he doesn't care for you. Sometimes you have to ask for what you want. Not once every 6 months, but right there in the moment. If you don't ask for what you want, it's unfair to complain that you don't get it.

You've described your husband basically as a marginally functional sociopath. I'm not sure if I believe you. How would you fall in love with a person like that? Why would you marry him? Why would you even consider staying with him? I understand if you're venting. But your narrative doesn't completely hold together, and I suspect that you're not being fair to your husband.

If you're not happy with the double standard in the fact that you give him more freedom than he gives you, than force him to live by the same rules that he makes you live by. But you can't force him to change what he's comfortable with. If you're not happy with the boundries of your relationship, than either suck it up and deal with your sexual frustration like 90% of monogamous partners who don't cheat, or end the relationship to look for what you really want, or go with the immoral choice and cheat.

But if you're going to stay with him, you need to respect his boundries. Actually respect, as in learn to appreciate them as valuable for his happiness and the health of your relationship, not some petty burden that he places in front of you. If he tells you that he's uncomfortable with a partner you want to have sex with, that's not some sort of "excuse" as you put it. That's the reason, that should be the only reason you need.

 

Yes. Did I say something to imply otherwise? I didn't mean to. My point was that promiscuity is a high risk behaviour, and that risk needs to be mitigated in order to make the activity safe. Some people ITT expressed the opinion that being in a community of friends who all get regular STD tests is sufficient precaution to keep you safe. That's just not true. All depends on the level of risk you're willing to endure, but if you want your risk to be as low as possible, use bodily fluid barriers even if people are getting regular tests.

 

I understand what you say, but if I have to ask, it's like a cold shower on me. Anyway, when I ask, he goes do a few things first, like wash himself, and then he comes to finger me to orgasm. I've asked many times, then I just let it go. He told me it's not nice for him to have to do anything sexual after he has an orgasm. I don't wanna be asking things he doesn't wanna do. And you tell me that's how men are. OK. So, he's just another man. And I let him be. I already don't get much of my sexual life, I'm not gonna make his hell, too.

Your second paragraph: where did I say that about my husband? I've said I love him and that he's a good person. Do I have to be blind and see him as perfect? No. He has a flaw. He's egoistic. Don't you have flaws? Don't I? But he's supposed to be perfect? I don't "measure" anyone by standards I can't qualify to myself. I'm not perfect and I've never expected him to be. So, in your eyes, if I see things the way they are and acknowledge he isn't perfect (and who is????), then I'm saying he's all wrong?

I'll repeat: you, guys, live in a black and white world. I live in one full of grey. I'm quite surprised you folks only know perfect people, only interact with perfect people. Well, I don't. I don't know and I have never met a perfect person. Everybody I've ever met was just... human. Just like him. Just like me.

And all the perfect people with perfect sexual lives? I haven't met them, either. I see lots of men complaining they don't get any sex, lots of women complaining their men are insensitive. I also know a great number of women out there never, ever get to have an orgasm.

It's just that I've landed on an internet forum where the fortunate, 100% happy people, with very high standards and who only interact with perfection and who have very satisfying sex lives, and who never have to make any concessions in their relationships congregate. I'm happy to see this. I didn't know it existed! Well done, you all. Keep up the good work. And thank you for sharing, because I've learned a lot from you, guys, since joining the forum yesterday. I've learned there is a perfect world out there. I haven't seen it yet, but it exist. It gives one hope.

I'll share a thought with you. I'm trying to understand the bile, the belligerence and the name calling. I thought perfect happy people, with perfect lives and living perfect relationships, if they existed, they would be too happy to try to be mean. Why did you feel the need to call me a liar in your second paragraph? Anyway, if it makes you happy, do it again. Whatever feels good to you.

Third paragraph: yes, I suck it up. I've been sucking it up since 1996. I'll continue sucking it up. But... would you just allow me one escape valve? Can you try a little empathy and think for a minute that somebody who's frustrated, who's obviously suffering with a situation needs a little place where to talk, open my heart? It isn't because I suck it up that I have to be perfectly happy with it. I'm human. I'm frustrated. I'm suffering. I come to the one place where I can be anonymous and talk about what is in my heart without hurting my husband.

And since this is my escape valve, why do you, guys, have to look for something, some detail of what is written from the heart, as really a sob, with bad counseling from an emotional state, and try to find a word you can turn around and use to try to offend me?

What happened to this world? Where else can I go to let it out? To talk, to take it off my heart? Where is it one can not be judged? Nowhere? Do I have to suck it up, as you say, but also keep a smile on my face at all times and be politically correct my whole life? Can't I really have a few hours, perhaps a few days, where I can open my heart and do the least harmful thing to all parts involved: talk to strangers, anonymously? Did I also lose my right to feel bad? Did I lose my right to ever talk or write about my feelings, unless it is on a self-destroy letter to myself?

You know, I'd go talk to myself in my garden. But it is -7 C here, windy and chilly and almost 10 pm. And whatever you, guys, tell me, whatever you call me, you believe in me or not, I still have this aching in my heart, and I still need this escape valve, because it is crushing me. There is a moment you have to vent, let it out, lest you die inside.

Last paragraph of your post: learn to appreciate the boundaries... no. That I can't do. I'll live with them for as long as I can, I'll obey them, as I do, and did. But I won't learn to like it. I'll "suck it up." And, now and then, I'll look for a place to vent my frustration.

Hum... I've written another very long post. Full of words for you, guys, to dig out and use to try to put me down. I'm already pretty low. I was pretty low when I looked for a forum to open my heart in my moment of frustration and distress, yesterday. And I'm still low today. I suspect I'll be like this for a few days.

Anyway, I thank you all for all the contributions. You're keeping me busy, and it helps. And I'm happy to be interacting with people. I just need somebody to talk to, even if it is an antagonist. A ear, or should I say a pair of eyes to read what I'm writing. Because you're listening to me.

And I apologize if I sound negative to some things you write about me. I know you're just expressing your opinions and I appreciate it. It's just that I'm going through a crisis, feeling down, feeling hit, feeling frustrated. Hurting. Feeling very lonely. I thank you all for being there for me, one way or another. And you don't have to feel the need to point out you aren't really "there" for me. I understood you all think I'm wrong, I'm bad, etc. I respect your opinion. And I thank you again for being there anyway.

 

Sorry, you didn't catch that I was being sarcastic. I think there are all sorts of consequences to promiscuity.

 

take it from someone who has battled depression his whole life:

you sound really, really depressed.

no one is perfect. most people aren't 100% happy with their sex lives. the problem is you are choosing to live with an insanely selfish man who doesn't try to make you happy. Don't you deserve better?

unfortunately most men are selfish in varying degrees but your husband is off the chart. Not wanting to please you sexually? making you drive him when you feel you are too sore from recent surgery to drive?

This guy is a vampire sucking the life out of you.

 

I think I am depressed, but it isn't clinical depression. It's just the common depression. I'll eventually surface.

I'm really sorry to know you suffer from depression. Really sorry. *hug*

Please, don't think my husband is so bad. I've written so many times that he's a good person. He's selfish, but that is just a flaw. It's just the way he is. He can't help it. We all have flaws.

 

selfishness is a serious flaw. it's not one you can work around, either he starts respecting you and treating you with consideration or there is no hope. sit down with him. tell him you are profoundly unhappy, that you need more from your marriage. He'll either give you more or you'll know why you should leave him. He can't be bothered to please you in bed. I would willingly lay down my life for my wife. what kind of man do you deserve? what kind of man do you want?

 

I've already had this conversation with him. I've told him how I felt and I've even told him I had started to have divorce thoughts.

He was devastated. I've seen so much pain in his eyes. He cried, he apologized. But he can't change. I'm sure he would if he could. I don't wanna have more of these conversations. We already had a few and every time I see so much sadness. And nothing changes. Right after it, he tries, but it is all soon forgotten. He can't change.

I need to live in peace.

 

well, then just accept your sorry situation. I suggest lots of alcohol to help you cope.

 

Sad to see you roll over and accept shoddy treatment. I guess you deserve it.

Of course since he's the only man in the world,I can see why you-----ah well.

 

Well, as a man, let me tell you how I feel about sex after I've had an orgasm. It's gross. Most sex acts are kinda gross in the first place. It's only the arousal that lets people forget that and enjoy the moment. So about a minute and a half after the orgasm, it starts being gross. Some men grin and pretend they're still into it. I'm sure that some men still are into it - it's a big planet with a lot of people - but I think it's few and far between. Some men are honestly not interested, like your husband. He'll help you if you ask, which is actually quite the favor if you think about it. I suspect that when he takes a break, he's giving himself some time to get back into it so that it's not a chore.

So are you doomed to sexual frustration? Yeah, kind of. If you can't ask for what you want, you're not gonna get it. Maybe you can meet someone who matches your sexuality perfectly without any adjustment on either side. But it's not very likely. That's not how relationships work, in my experience. I hope that you can find a way to become fullfilled with the man that you already love. Is there a reason that he has to cum before you? Maybe you can find some way to slow him down so that you can get yours before he loses interest.

Post number 20, you said that he has 0 empathy. That's more or less the definition of a sociopath. From descriptions of him elsewhere in the thread, you've said that he can mimic empathy for a time. That makes him a functioning sociopath, as most are. But you also said that he forgets fairly quickly and acts like he never empathised in the first place. This is a barely functioning sociopath, because he can't maintain the deception for long.

This is the way you described him. Perhaps you meant low empathy and not 0 empathy. But then don't accuse me of having a black-and-white perspective. I'm just going by what you said in the first place.

I don't deserve this bullshit! I didn't say any of this crap that you're spewing at me. Best check yourself. I'm just trying to understand the situation you're talking about. Doesn't make sense to me the way you're describing it. Said so. Didn't offer perfection or even claim that it exists. Quite the opposite actually. I said that the best advice I can give you is to learn how to be happy with the husband you've chosen.

Maybe it would help if you'd tell us some of the good things about your husband. So far you've said he was good man over and over, but you've been very vague. I know that you're here to vent about how horrible being married to him is, but it would help me understand the situation better if you told me why you wanted to be married to him in the first place, and still do. Maybe it'll even make you feel a little better.

Well I didn't call you a liar, or call you any names. And I don't think I've secreted any digestive juices near you. I did say that your narrative doesn't quite make sense, but that's not exactly the same thing as calling you a liar. It's offering you the opportunity to explain.

I mean, he's not a sociopath, is he? But that is how you described him, 0 empathy. So no, I didn't believe you. But I'm not saying you were lying. I'm just saying you need to explain yourself better.

Have you considered seeing a therapist? From what you've said in this thread, you can most likely afford one. If you really need someone to talk to, maybe anonymous internet forums aren't the best place to go. They are known for their bile.

Also, do you have any friends who aren't close to your husband? I would consider confiding in them. And if you don't, I would try and think of a way to meet some. Not having any social interaction outside of your marriage can be very stifling. Trust me, I know!

If you've got nowhere else to go to talk about your problems than this forum. Well, that's a problem in and of itself.

 

Fair enough. Good luck.