Have I fucked up? Again?

I’m In need of advice/opinions. As you may or may not know I am not very good with the male species. I mean, I’ve learnt more, but I just have trouble putting these things I’ve learnt into practice. It’s not a big deal, I was just wondering what to do next and need some good ol’ honesty from anonymous posters. You know how it is. (It's a bit long but all somehow relevant. Cliffs at bottom, but if you have a heart please read it all)

So, last year I joined a dating site, I know a lot of people are funny about that kind of thing but I just wanted to try it out. September, I started talking to this guy for a week or so (he’s 28) we got on fine, I remember we had a lot in common and the messages always flowed, however, we stopped randomly and never actually went out. I wasn’t that bothered as I had other stuff going on. I cancelled my profile in November cos it just wasn’t for me. January I got a new phone and was transferring all my old numbers and I saw his and was like, let me see if he remembers me. I was in a funny mood one boring Friday afternoon so thought hey why not. He replied and after a bit of back and forth he remembered me and we caught up briefly. He then asked me out and I accepted.

So ever since then we’ve been out a few times. First date was alright, nothing spectacular. We got really drunk but got on great anyway. He asked me out again the next day for the following weekend and we went out to dinner. That was nice, we didn’t get drunk and again got on swimmingly, had a laugh and good banter. I was going on holiday the next weekend and he was like, ‘aww I’m not gonna see you for ages’. But we stay in touch and 2 weeks after our second date he invites me to his place. I’m aware of what a third date normally means, so tried to avoid going to his but he was adamant he wanted to cook for me. I accepted. I went, we had a nice night but I didn’t drop my panties! I was tempted, but part of me felt awkward and shy and I wasn’t ready. He was aroused, clearly, but didn’t show too much annoyance that we didn’t get down to it. He offers I stay cos it’s 1am and he lives miles from me, but I just wanted my own bed, a hot shower and to just chill out. He took me to the bus stop and we part ways with a peck. During the week he drops into a conversation about what happened on Saturday. I ask if he’s mad, he says no. I think good. But obviously he was a little peeved that he didn’t get any. We flirt a lot and I guess I did tease him a bit with certain things I said and suggestive pictures but nothing too OTT. I guess I gave him the impression it was going to go down. Why is the third date so associated with sex? Why couldn’t we just hang out?

Anyway the following week there’s a misunderstanding and he gets pissed at me that I couldn’t go somewhere with him cos I’d made prior plans. He thought I could go, but I never actually confirmed. I suppose it would seem like I’d stood him up especially as he only found out a day before. I felt bad but he wouldn’t even talk to me for days. I messaged him a few days later, and asked him out and he said yes but it felt a little strained, I knew he was still mad. Anyway, we went out and I was so glad to see him, he didn’t seem off or anything and we got on the same as always, possibly even better. He asked if I was staying at his cos we wanted to stay out and drink and it was a bastard to get home last time so I said ‘possibly’. We stayed out, drank and enjoyed one another’s company. It gets late, I’m getting so drunk and say I wanna call it a night and we go back to his. I ask for a t-shirt and he gets me one. We get into bed and soon we’re doing it. I was quite drunk, so it was all a haze. I remember it was good, but I didn’t feel like myself and I didn’t want to have sex with him for the first time being so trashed. I remember I rolled over and fell asleep first. When I woke, he was right behind me, smiling at me and I felt weird cos I dunno. I put on the t-shirt and went to the bathroom to fix up, when I came back to bed he told me to take it off again, so I did. We lay in bed and he wouldn’t stop touching, stroking, cuddling me. We chatted. I kind of wanted to go home, I hate imposing on people’s homes. He was due out at midday and it was about 8am when I woke up. Apparently he’d been spooning me as I slept and got a dead arm. I jokingly said it served him right, he shouldn't have put his arms there. I wouldn’t have cared whether he did or not, and I was too out of it to notice so he could have gotten away with not doing this. He didn’t come the night before as he had drank too much, so I gave him a BJ that morn and he came. I have read that men feel distant from a woman for a bit after they ejaculate, so I rolled over as not to crowd his personal space but straight away he came towards me, stroking me, putting his arms around me, playing with my fingers. We spent hours in bed. Eventually we had sex again but it wasn’t as great as the night before, my heart wasn’t in it entirely, I was tired and whatnot. Soon after we got ready to get up. It wasn’t awkward between us, he was being his usual bubbly self we teased one another and joked around as always, but once out of bed no additional touching or kissing. I didn’t want that anyway, I felt a bit yucky, I just wanted my own home and a shower. We walked to the station and he wanted me to link arms with him, so I did. Again, no awkwardness, just normal. When we said goodbye, we embraced and he went to peck my lips, but I went to peck his cheek and it was awkward then. For me, anyway. He said safe travels, I left.

It’s Tuesday and that was Sunday, I haven’t messaged him, he hasn’t messaged me. I dunno if I’m reading too much into it. I would like to hear from him again, but then what? I know I’m young, so what more could he want from me? At first I just wanted to see what happened, have some fun, go out, maybe fuck. But now we’ve done that I’m starting to want a bit more. It wasn’t just the sex, I felt like that before it happened. I’ve never had 3 dates before. I’ve had 4 with him and I do like the guy. Whether or not he likes me is another story? I dunno how this stuff works. I only had my first boyfriend at 18 and I wouldn't consider that a proper relationship as it was very volatile, on/off, violent etc. So I don’t know how it works normally. I don’t want to read too much into it, I know I should just go with the flow. I’m not waiting by the phone or anything, I’m getting on with my stuff, though it’s always in the back of my mind. Was I too cold with him? Am I being cold now? He normally initiates all contact apart from the time I messaged him to ask if he wanted to come out with me. So what now? Could I text him without seeming too keen? This is what bothers me. I don’t want to text him for him to think I’m being clingy. I have no idea if he likes me. I always assumed if I guy likes you, he’ll message. I don’t feel the need to have a conversation with him right now, I just want to know if we are ever gonna talk again. I don’t like waiting, but to text him and get nothing back, or even a half arsed reply is going to just ruin everything. I have so many questions that need answering.

Guys I’d love to hear your perspective. I tried to act in a way that wouldn’t make me seem young and desperate- I’m not desperate, but I am a bit vulnerable and tried not to show it. I honestly don’t care about cuddles and pillow talk and shit. I would have rather slept until whenever or even gotten up and gone home. But he seemed to want me there. I’ve been myself, but is he into me? I’d rather not have to ask these questions. Maybe he just needs time to think, as do I. I just want to know what you guys think honestly? I am having trouble wrapping my head around this. I really have no idea what to expect. Don't sugar coat the pill.

Cliffs:

Met guy I knew from a dating site.
We went out a few times since Jan.
We've never had any serious conversations but we got on ok.
Banged Saturday, he was being very touchy feely after despite me stating I didn't need to be cuddled.
Now dunno why we haven't spoken or if I should try to talk to him, don't want to look desperate.
Dunno why I'm so confused.
Is this even real life?

 

Are you a miscer?

 

contact him, goddammit. you have given no evidence that he isn't into you.

 

You're trying to solve all your questions in your own head, with your own inner thoughts alone and it's driving you into a paradox.

From our end, it sounds like this guy is taking it slow, but also wanted the sexual experience.

You need to explain why you're behavior is openly flirty with him, yet also pulls back at certain points, if he doesn't know that you were severely hurt with your last "relationship" then he won't understand your behavior and will become peeved from what he feels is mixed signals.

He seems like a nice understanding guy, I'd go ahead and tell him what was up. Also feel comfortable drawing a line on no more sex if you feel you aren't ready for it, because it sounds like you aren't at least not mentally.


I think there are some psychological trust issues you have to work out, maybe even professional help, that is interfering with your dating life.

---
As for him being touchy feely, some guys do that as a gesture to convey genuine affection, and they get confused or don't trust when a woman says don't do that.

(Remember us guys are told to do a lot of foreplay and to touch to arouse our partner to get them comfortable with us, both in bed and elsewhere in the relationship)


Also you need to ask him for clarification if you two are in the dating phase, or in the bf/gf phase. And before you ask this question you need to know where YOU want to be.

 

Make contact with him.... Talk to him or you will never know how he feels and he won't know how you feel.

 

Fuck me dead, just put out on the first date, what a headche

 

He's obviously into you. His feelings may have been hurt a little when you denied his kiss. It's only been a couple days though.....send him a little message telling him "good morning" of "have a great day" or something. I'm willing to bet he wants a relationship, so you should probably lay your cards on the table next time you see him....

 

Haha Agreed. It's a ballache, this whole dating game 'is he, isn't he' stuff:/ At least if it was a one night stand I could have just let it go.

 

But shouldn't have tried to talk to me right now? This is the problem.

Okay, I was not expecting that kind of response. :O I thought you would tell me I was wasting my time and he was gone. I am so lost. I have been adamant that I won’t text him until he texts me, because if he really is planning on doing a disappearing act, then a message from me will only make me look stupid. I still haven’t heard from him, I would have thought if he liked me enough he’d message me first. I have a sinking feeling this is it. I guess I am reading a lot into it and over analyzing something so minor, but it’s a new situation for me. I don’t know, something doesn’t feel right about it. Although I have been known to sabotage

I do have trust issues and quite low self esteem, so I suppose that it definitely having an impact on the way I’m thinking and feeling now. I don’t think I’m an awful person, I just find that guys don’t want to stay with me nor view me as gf material. I don’t even know what I want to be to him; I just feel sick at the thought of being lead on and left so harshly. It’s not like we met once and banged, I thought we got on ok.

Loads of questions are buzzing through my mind and I guess nobody is psychic, or can know 100% what he’s thinking right now. I’d just rather be sure, instead of having to wonder constantly. Like, how can you tell if it’s a filler date? He may just have been seeing me to pass the time considering we are 8 years apart in age and are doing different things in life. He may have just been trying to get to hit it, cos men can be so cruel when they have sex on the mind. Any more ideas?

 

you're not trying to talk to him. i guess he has to assume you want nothing to do with him because if you liked him you would text him first.

 

Useless to go on with this. You don't care anyways.

 

I've never really had a good experience with a guy not calling or contacting me after a date or after sex. Usually if I don't hear from him it ends up being because he just wasn't that into me. I always do follow up if I haven't heard from a guy though, especially if we had sex. Even in short lived relationships I like a little bit of closure, even if it sucks.

BUT, I don't send mixed messages like you do. Generally speaking, a guy will follow up if he's into you. However, I think it sounds like you probably came off as a little cold to him and therefore he's probably questioning the whole thing even more than you and is too afraid to get in touch with you.

You should try just shooting him a casual text. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Tell him you had fun, ask him to hang out again soon. If he doesn't want to continue anything at least you won't have to torture yourself wondering about it anymore.

Another thing: guys don't just cuddle because they think girls want to. Guys like a warm body just as much as girls. I'm sure he was sincere and not just doing it because he felt like he should.

 

when people like each other they ''gush'' about it...you arent gushing about this dude...the whole scenario feels like cardboard

the dude didnt push your buttons...his loss

move on

 

Thank you for your response. You've made a lot of sense, but your first statement really stuck out for me and that's the main issue right now. He hasn't contacted, therefore he doesn't wanna know right?
He doesn't seem like the type to worry about texting me. I thought he had all the power in this. Have I really played headgames? I didn't think I was coming across like that. I just wanted to play it cool instead of being too in his face and shit, then make myself look all vulnerable and stupid. Maybe... I don't know. I'm really confused now. I thought the unanimous response would be 'he ain't into you love' but now I've been made to look like the bad guy! So I have fucked up. Or have I? This is the problem. I don't know. (I don't sound confused at all do I lol)

LOL I don't gush!! Ok, I do, a lot, and I have been trying not to gush cos I didn't wanna get hurt. I'm trying to be calm but do I like him. If I came across like that in this thread people would be like, 'calm your tits.' My tits are firmly planted right now purely cos I'm holding them down. My fear of rejection has caused me to be a bit stoic about explaining this. I don't want to be embarrassed.

 

Edit: I didn't read the entire post before I replied.

Now that I've read it, here's my POV. If all he really wanted was sex, then he's not going to contact you again unless he wants more sex. Maybe he's just looking for a booty call to hold in his rotation, or maybe all he wanted was one night.

The fact that he hasn't contacted you since, doesn't mean you can't contact him. It's not desperate to text something like, "Hey, haven't heard from you in forever. What's up?" Based on his response, you'll know where his head is at and whether he wants anything more from you.

Also, the fact that you refuse to contact him also gives the impression that all you wanted was one night.

 

i feel mindfucked just from reading your posts.

 

This ^

If I had a great night of sex with someone, and she turned her head when I went in for a kiss and have me her cheek......I would think that she's grossed out/regretted the sex/just wanted one night. That's probably why he's not contacted you. It sounds like you were cold towards him, after the sex. He probably feels embarrassed and is just trying to move on because you don't like him.

Refusing to contact him is fucking retarded. You're sitting there stressing about not knowing, and dismissing the ONLY real way to find out. Why?

 

I think bitter is just naive and shaken up from her former relationship to know and read the communication signs correctly. She's reading into things too much, and then spirals down into negative thinking and then she's trapped.


Bitter get rid of the fear of looking like a fool and call him to say a friendly hello.

 

Okay, I'm sorry. I've got a brain made of spaghetti atm.

I understand this view... you're right. It does look that way. I don't want one night though, I was just afraid of being shunned.

Yeah, I think that was the issue actually. Ugh...

 

I wouldn't think that. I know I've kissed girls goodbye on the cheek after a night of sex. That could've just been a simple miscommunication. The girl would have to really pull away and be standoffish for me to get the impression that she regretted the encounter.