Hello, Well this is my first post here. The reason I've joined is to gain perspective on my situation. I have been 'out' for just over 12 years and in my current relationship for 10 years. I am a very committed individual and I hope I won't be judged for my current thoughts. I believe in being faithful and being the best partner I can for my girlfriend. A couple of years ago I moved and consequently ended up getting back in contact with the first girl I loved. We had not spoken properly for 11 years. She is now married to her then boyfriend. We have been getting progressively close and my feelings have come flooding back. I am not sure what to do with these emotions. I have tried counselling which has helped. Basically I have been filled with guilt. It is an emotion I am getting pretty familiar with. My friend tells all her friends that I am her sister which would imply complete platonic feelings. Then there are weird things like her saying that we don't spen enough 'quality' time together. Her husbands jealousy of us spending time together to the point he got angry that my friend and I were left alone together to my partner. My partner is now jealous of our friendship. I don't want to lose my best friend and it is great having her back. Sensibly I know our friendship is ultimately damaging our own relationships. I am on the fence that she has platonic feelings that she just doesn't see what other people are thinking. My other trail of thought is that se doesn't know what she feels towards me. One of her other girlfriends took me to one side last week to say that she has not seen my friend so happy in years. She said the reason she is so happy is me. Which I saw as a weird thing to take me to one side to say. She told me that my friend talks about me all the time. Then she emphasised that when she says 'all the time, she means all the time.' Is that normal for someone to tell a mutual friend that? Maybe she was just being nice. I tried to talk to my friend and asked her if she knew I had a 'crush' on her years ago. She replied that she had a feeling but it didn't bother her because I am like a sister to her. I asked her to clarify that she has never felt the same and she just replied that I was a 'dag'. I don't think se understood that I needed that level of clarity. I am also aware that I should not be giving this so much thought and the person I should really be concentrating on is my partner. I feel like a horrible person. My friend is very straight. She is too nice and has a habit of saying yes when she means no for fear of being mean. So I know this can also add to my confusion. I don't want to lose my best friend and I also get on well with her husband. It's too messy and the sensible thing to do is spend less time with my friend. I am being selfish. I live away from home and need the support networks rather than just my partner. I keep using the excuse that my friend needs me too as she is having a hard time and confiding in me. I guess this is one of those gay/straight girl situations that occur when you sped too much time together. Anyone that has any words of wisdom would be appreciated because I am too wrapped up in the situation and don't want to lose my partner or best friend. Currently I think I have my priorities wrong!
