So I want to tell my story of how I died..

It's been a while since I've been off here, not that most of you even care

But, what happened to me is a long story that I would like to share with you all. This forum has long been a place where I could tell the truth about my self and not have to pretend. A few of you have been amazing towards me, and I'm so grateful. But anyway, on to the real shit.

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for about 2 years now. I never saw any doctors, or received any type of treatment. I would self medicate with weed and pills, always Xanax, Klonopin, and Roxys. I'd mess around occasionally with hallucinogens and uppers. Eventually someone introduced me to H. I didn't need to do much of it to get high and it was a hell of alot cheaper than the pills I was paying for. I snorted it sporadically from June to December. Sometimes I would go on binges but I could come back, or so I thought. I just did other drugs. In between the heroin I'd be doing benzos, smoking weed, and still snorting Roxys.

On December 8th, I got some bad news. My friend at work gave me Kpins because I was so upset. It was about 6 of them. When I got home, turned out my boyfriend had gotten some dope. I took a couple of Kpins and did my dope. I wasn't as high as I wanted to be, and I fell into my usual depressive slump. Only this time was different.. I took more Kpins and went to sleep. When I woke up, I'm not sure when, I was suicidal and tried to kill myself. I wrote my suicide note, I cut my arms and wrists and took the rest of my pills. I fell asleep, and Monday morning my boyfriend woke me up so I could drive him to work. My suicide attempt had failed.. but I was so out of it that I hit a car in front of me. I could barely even fucking drive. I knew something was wrong with me.

I called one of my very best friends, who had recently went through detox and had been attending NA meetings regularly. He picked me up and I guess he knew to take me to the hospital just because of my appearance. I was 25 pounds lighter than the last time he saw me, my face was greyish and sunken, could barely walk because I was so weak, and I was so cold. The funny thing is, I thought I looked good, LOL.

When I got to the hospital they checked me and did a mental evalution and recommended that I sign a 201 to the Psych Ward. I weighed 110 pounds. I signed my 201 and spent 4 days in there. I was diagnosed with major depression, general anxiety, and marijuana and opiate dependence. I was given Ativan in the hospital but it was discontinued once I went home. They prescribed me Paxil 30 mg and Trazadone 50 mg. I went home on the 14th.

When I got home, I immediately started smoking weed again, and hanging out with old friends. My boyfriend and I had broken up because my family hated him and threatened him. It wasn't long til I was using dope again. Only this time was different, I started shooting up. I wanted to do it like, every 3 days, but anybody who knows anything about opiate addiction, knows that that's not possible. I was using everyday. My family had no idea at all.

On the 21st, Doomsday, I bought 4 bags for 60$. The shit was fire. My friend got high first, and told me not to do as much as I usually do, but I ignored her. I shot up, and got the best rush I ever had. I felt amazing. I was too high to function, I thought. I tried to call the same friend who picked me up before to take care of me. I couldn't though, I couldn't figure out how to dial the phone. I couldn't focus in. I put some music on and leaned back and closed me eyes.

I don't remember what happened next, so this is just what my friend told me. I was unresponsive, blue, and barely breathing. A passerby called 911, as my friend gave me CPR. The police got there first, searched my friend, her car, and me while I was unconscious. They thought I was dead on scene. When the ambulance got there, even they thought I was dead. They put me in the ambulance anyway, and I'm not sure what they did to me (probably Nor-cam), but I started hearing voices, but I thought it was some kind of dream. I heard someone saying my name over and over again. I opened my eyes, and everything was out of focus, the people, the lights, and the inside of the ambulance. I was still high, and I couldn't feel anything. They shot me with Nor-cam. My buzz was instantly killed and I was in pain. I couldn't control my legs, they were just kicking on their own, spazzing out. I was freezing and soaking wet and I had no idea why.

I had no idea what was happening around me. The EMT told me I was safe, in an ambulance. I asked what happened and he looked at me with like a quizzical look in his eyes. He said I overdosed. I started screaming, let me out, where is my friend?, am I in trouble?, what's happening?, what's going on?, is this real?...

They asked me alot of questions, mostly what are you high on? I told them marijuana, but not heroin. They said there had to be more, and they'd be able to tell when I get blood tests at the hospital. I admitted that it was heroin.

My friend left as soon as the police searched her. They didn't find anything, she had taken care of it. Thank God.

Anyway, I was shaking spasmodically and my legs were still kicking wildly. They took off my coat, and cut my shirt and bra off. I felt so vulnerable at this moment, and scared. They covered me with blankets, but I ended up soaking them too.

When we got to the hospital they took me in and immediately put me in a room in the ER. They put IVs in my arms. They X-rayed my chest and took my vitals. I was a lot calmer once I got into the hospital. I knew they'd take care of me like the last time I was in there, exactly a week before.

Then my family came in, a complete mess, they were all crying and yelling and thanking God that I was okay. It was alot to handle. I asked Where is my friend? Because at that point I didn't know what happened to her. They were mad that I even cared. In their minds, it was all her fault.

I spent the night in the ICU. The next day my family came, and told me I had to go to the 4th floor, the funny farm, the psych ward. I screamed and cried and threw a fit and totally embarassed myself until they left and the nurse gave me a couple Attivans.

I was 302'd to the Behavioral Health Unit, and I was not happy about it. I thought before that I'd never have to be back there again. But there I was. After intake was over, I went to bed and didn't awake until 16 hours later, when someone told me it was breakfast time. I went down to the dinner room, took one look at the meal, and walked back to bed.

I laid in bed a lot. Not sleeping, but pretending like I wasn't where I was at, and none of this was real.

I got my Trazadone upped to 150 mg and my Paxil stayed the same. I spent Christmas there.

On the 28th, I was sent to a rehab facility. It was a youth program, only ages 13-19. The first two days were hard, but my roommate, who came in at the same time as me and was close to my age at 18, turned out to be pretty awesome.

The next few days I got to know everyone and realized that I had been brought into an amazing group of girls. We had our moments, but seriously everyone there for the first week and a half was amazing.

Then girls started leaving and new girls came in. Just so you know, in a smaller treatment program like the one I was at, new girls are the devil. We talk about them before they come in, wondering what she is like. And usually they sleep the first couple of days and don't come out to socialize, so they become even more mysterious. Eventually they come out of their rooms and are pretty shy, but once they warm up you find out their real personalities.

In my case, the new girls sucked. One said she hated drama but caused ALOT of it. Then this other girl came, and she seemed really cool. She dressed like a pseudo hippie and was pretty chill. But once she warmed up, she just like, HATED me. I don't know why. We even had mutual friends on the outs.

One day, I was talking to a counseler out on our smoke break. I was saying how for me, it would be harder not to smoke weed than to not do dope. She told me I was contradicting myself. I said clearly back, no I am not. My counselor then agreed with me, I said what I meant and it was clear that I was not contradicting myself. In my case, it is way easier to get weed than dope. Hell, my mom smoked in quantity, and my ex was a pot dealer, along with many of my friends. But dope is a different story. I'd have to call a lot of people and go through middle men and shit. I mean, I just lost my connect.

Anyway, that really pissed me off.

Some days later, on a Wednesday, I think the 20th, it was Visiting Day. The facility had a rule that only family were allowed to visit. But I told my mom to bring two of my close friends (non-using) and say they were my cousins.

I would of got away with it but this annoying girl that I was friends with because she really has a good heart, but is irritating as hell, dumbly asked me, I thought you said they were your friends? Over and over. She literally just didn't understand. I wasn't mad at her but I was sure as hell mad at the stupid facility and their stupid rules.

So I was freaking out, screaming, fuck this place, fuck everyone here. One of the girls I mentioned early, who said she hated drama but caused a lot of it, started talking shit because her boyfriend couldn't visit, so why should I have friends?

It was a good point but I was so fired up, I wasn't having it. I let my anger get the best of me, and we started to argue, and then she said she was gonna punch me in the face.

I got even louder and crazier then... It's weird too, I was never very violent before, I was always very very chill and avoidant.

But I called her on, saying hit me, hit me, come on, I'll break you. Then the other girl, the one I already didn't like, jumped in, trying to get a piece of me too.

At the height of the screaming, my counselor grabbed me and pulled me out of the room to calm me down. On my way out, I kicked anything in my way, and knocked over anything I could.

I ran outside, my family and counselors following me. I told them, get my papers to sign, I'm leaving. But they said no, you're not leaving, you're staying. I said, get the damn papers or I'll just walk off the property. They didn't, and I did.

I walked to McDonalds and waited because I knew my family would come after me. Sure enough, they did.

I went home. I got my cellphone back, and my own bed. I had a bunch of Christmas presents left to open, and I thought it was all good. I didn't mind my family closely watching over me and keeping track of me for a while. It was just too good to be home. As soon as possible, my mother and I set up appointments with a psychiatrist, regular counseling, and drug and alcohol counseling. Just because I left rehab didn't mean my treatment stopped. I went to meetings everyday, my mom coming with me to all of them.

When I saw the psychiatrist, he evaluated me and in addition to my Paxil and Trazadone, he prescribed me Wellbutrin, Neurotin and Revia.

Revia is an opiate blocker I take everyday.

I still feel depressed. Not anxious anymore though. I still have cutting thoughts and developed a new suicide plan (overdosing on heroin).

I'm truly scared. I always described myself as an easy going pothead, or an always down to party girl, or simply, a junkie. Now I'm just Erica, and fuck if I know who that is. I don't know myself at all. I've shoved myself into a dark corner and put on a mask made of drugs since I was 14. Now I'm front and center, and it freaks me out.

Not to mention the cravings, and PAW symptoms. I always have drugs in the back of my mind, even though I can't get high because of the blocker I take religiously. Post acute withdrawal, as described on a website I found via google, is boredom, insomnia, self-doubt, 'restless legs,' depression. I'm dealing with all of that.

I feel like a caged bird who just wants to fly.

eace:

 

have you tried psychedelics, music and dancing??./.

or maybe just music and dancing. < suppose to release natural drugs in the brain to make you feel better..

 

I get drug tested.. I'm currently 41 days clean

 

Good luck to you erica.... you have a lot to live for you just need to find it.

 

Thank you Tazer

 

Honestly didn't think I was going to read all of that, but it was so intense I couldn't stop. Though I must say it has a good ending, whether you feel lost at the moment or just following the bread crumbs of life to get to the next day you're still here to be able to figure that out. I like how you said "shoved myself into a dark corner and put on a mask made of drugs", it's a nice way to phrase it as we all put on mask to front our state of being IMO and it being brutally honest, it indeed might have you own up to (or rather be some of the fuel to get you passed) this dark chapter in your life and move on. Sometimes you have to earn your way out of the cage instead of picking the lock.

Glad you're ok, we never talked much but I had no idea you were facing such demon - good luck to you hope you keep it up. Keep us updated on your progress

 

Thank you very much Bonkai, I'm actually thinking about writing something so I'm glad you couldn't stop And that's great advice. I'm gonna try. eace:

 

Great minds must work alike, Erica. I was going to suggest that you might want to give writing a shot...for I was like Bonkai. I really wasn't intending to read it all, but found myself following your story right up until the end... Depression is a tough thing to deal with but it sounds like you are dealing with it well and you have your family's support. It also seems like you have a good drug regimen.

You are such a beautiful young woman, and are apparently intelligent enough to express yourself well. You just hang in there... and stay away from H!

I'd also suggest exercise/walking because it can really have wonderful mental effects.

 

Lol.. so you thumbed me down cause I suggested dancing and psychedelics,. opps my bad. I even corrected myself...... guess you missed it..

..

 

one time glen glen thumbs downed a post by bbad with the intention of making it appear as if I had done it.

then bbad was like "this means war, bitch!"

 

Dancing is cool, psychedelics is not.. I must've misunderstood or something.

 

glad you're doing well now. i can't really relate, but i'm sure it's a battle every day. good luck, i wish you the best.

 

Erica,
I'm so glad you are getting better. I'm sure it will be a long, long, road, probably one with no end as it will always be a battle. Having read all of your story, my petty life is trivia compared to your problems. I don't say that to make you feel worse. You see, I was feeling bad for myself earlier, but now I know I'm not bad off. I'm depressed and feel like I have screwed up my life and the lives of others. I'm kinda down on myself, which usually never happens. Your story let me know that 1.) there is hope; 2.) things could be a lot worse; and 3.) I should stop feeling sorry for myself. Believe it or not, your writing about this experience has helped me feel better. I cannot explain it, but I suppose it's like being in a group, where people share their story and the others in the group recover as a result.
Please keep writing and seeking help. I have seen your pictures, and always marveled at what a beautiful woman you are. I had no idea that you were going through such hell. It shows that images can be deceiving. I guess one needs to hit the bottom before starting to climb out to recovery. You helped me take a first step out today. Thank you.

 

Thank you Dutch.. I'm grateful that I could help you, even though I wasn't really expecting to. Life works in mysterious ways. <3

 

I'm glad you are doing better. You need to just take it day by day. Focus on the now instead of what's going to happen in the future. You seem like a very strong person, and since you've already been in rehab and went to meetings, you're on your way to being better. Eventually, you'll stop thinking about drugs and wanting to use altogether and you'll feel a lot happier.

My brother is addicted to heroin and pills. He's been in jail and on probation. When he got out of jail, he went to rehab but only stayed for a week. He came back and immediately went back to hanging out with old friends and doing heroin again. He would steal from everybody around him. He even stole from my grandmother and stole a tv that my boyfriend was storing at my house. He would do anything to get money and heroin. He denied any help we tried to give him, and just this past Tuesday he went back to jail. He needs it, though. I think it's the only thing that is going to help him at this point.

You should be glad you didn't end up in jail. I wish my brother would have done what you did. He could be on the path to recovery just like you are. Stay strong, girl!

As for depression and anxiety.. I deal with the same thing every day, you're not alone! If you ever need anybody to talk to, just send me a pm!

 

Erica, I read your story and I'd just like to encourage you to continue on your path of sobriety. I used drugs and alcohol for years and pretty much made a miserable life for myself for the longest time. But on March 1 of this year, I'll be clean and sober for one year! It was hard at first but the longer you stay clean and look after your health the easier it gets. I'm pretty sure if you get exercise, which I think is key, you will beat all your demons and turn your life around. Eat well, exercise and get enough sleep. I find the more I can stick to a schedule the better I get and the desire to return to old ways diminishes. These sound like over simple things but they work. Put yourself on a regime.....doing the same things at the same time each day....like your meals your exercise so on and so forth....then you get programmed into a healthy lifestyle and if you stick to it your daily life becomes automatic and helps with stress. Well, it worked for me and I hope you all the success in finding your way in life. You are young and have so much in front of you. You have to learn to enjoy it. And happiness can be learned! It is a choice, a conscience choice that you have to remember - so choose happiness and just keep moving forward....never back!!

 

Congrats on being sober!

I also agree that a regime and exercise or hobbies is a great way to stay sober. Doing things to take your mind off of drugs makes it so much easier.

 

I relapsed on weed.
I dont know why.. ugh. I blew my 60 days and I'm like so freaking scared to go back to a meeting

 

OK so you had a slip - get back on it - go to the meetings - nobody expects you to be 100% fucking perfect but don't let one slip be the beginning of the slide back into old habits!

 

Just looked at your photos. You don't look like user.