Is being nice to everyone a bad thing? when it comes to the opposite sex?

? do girls think someone who is friendly/outgoing with everyone is a player? or of lower value? Is it seen as not genuine?

I am alarmingly overlooked I feel. It also feels unless I engage, rarely does someone engage me. Can anyone relate?

Am I mindfucking myself up the ass with this or can others relate?

 

There's a difference between being friendly and being flirty. Women can usually pick up on intentions pretty well.

 

It's easy to be too nice when you like someone. I had this problem myself recently. Apparently, being too nice is something women have been conditioned to disrespect, and therefore they find it acceptable to take advantage of someone when they're this way. So while it is alright to be nice, you always have to make sure you're not being too nice, especially if that niceness is not reciprocated by the other person. If it's not, you will have to cut that person lose at some point.

 

In real life they dont really take me seriously anyway so doesnt really matter what i say.

But thats no help to you cos you want to know how to be nice and get laid at the same time.

 

well, there's a difference between being nice and being friendly/outgoing. a lot of sociopaths are friendly/outgoing.

being nice is always a bad thing when it comes to the opposite sex. being friendly/outgoing is almost a requirement because of your second point, the fact that girls will not engage a guy under any circumstances.

they sure are good at pretending otherwise then.

 

I don't' think I'm being "nice." it's never lechery or creepy.

I would consider it nice because I'll lead/initiate conversations with new people, with a lot of genuine attention...

but the downside to this is you become so good at it you wonder wtf it never comes back.

I think people come to expect it from me, and when I'm quite (at times on purpose, to see if people return the favor), I'm often disappointed with the result.

Can anyone relate to the last bit?

Someone tell me I'm expecting others to have my personality and I'm simply looking for reasons to focus on misunderstandings in communication styles. :leaving:

 

A man being nice is not a big turn off but some guys go a little to far with it. For example a year ago a nice guy 10 years younger than me was trying to get with me. Every time he visited he brought me food. I am morbidly obese and diabetic. I had lost 60 pounds last year. The last thing I needed was a guy bringing me cakes, pies, and high fat foods to me every day. Then the niceness starts feeling a bit much. I kept asking him not to and he wouldn't listen so I quit allowing him to visit and he got bitter and kicked me off his Facebook. I was willing to be his friend but not willing to have my health jeopardized. He thought he was just being nice.

Some times the niceness does not feel real. The best thing is to just be yourself. Do not be a phony. When you engage in conversation do you listen to the person you are talking with? I have blown off "nice guys" when they are so busy talking that I can not get a word in edgewise. Being insecure about attracting women might be your stumbling block not the part about being nice. Lack of confidence can be very transparent.

 

Is this about girls not seeing you as "dating material", or is it about girls not being as friendly and chatty with you?

 

how old are you, out of curiosity?

i ask because i'm 22 and i feel like it's a problem with people in my age range... and i wonder if you're in the same boat. a lot of people i've met recently, regardless of gender, seem to have the same "yeah let's keep in touch" or "let's hang out sometime" line but don't follow through. i try to be friendly with people and talk/approach, but i relate to what you said- sometimes i intentionally leave it up to them and i just don't get friendliness back from most people. that bothers me but i think it's a "sign of the times" so to say

or maybe it's me

i dunno

i can count on one hand the number of people (family excluded) who actively reach out to me regularly, and i'm well aware of who my real friends are. they exist, and i'm not sad that they're few because they're really great people, but they are definitely few

 

this might be part of it at least. if you always try to lead the conversation with people, they get used to that dynamic with you and may not be prepared to take over when you suddenly get quiet. or maybe they assume that you are being quiet because you don't feel like talking. or maybe they're thinking "finally, he's letting us just enjoy being quiet together."

if you're not being nice, you're not being nice. being a self-centered douche has nothing to do with being nice, so it doesn't really say anything about the desirability of a guy being nice.

i think people of all ages do this.

i'll admit i'm guilty of it myself. when i'm actually being social, being social again sounds great and i genuinely want to make future plans with whoever i'm talking to. but then i get back into hermit mode and i just can't bring myself to actively want to deal with people again.

 

Being outgoing isn't something I understand in either gender. I generally like shy hermits like myself.

I wouldn't assume someone is a 'player' just because they are friendly though.

 

You do get what that sounds like though - you are the only one that is nice, everyone else isnt. Likely many see you differently than you think they do. Controlled can look disinterested, even stuck up

 

The first one. (at least not ones that I'm attracted to) -- I edited the second one, so now it's true).

I wonder if my attraction is turning them off? and if my non-attraction/neutral attitude towards the others keeps them in fantasy land & interested. Ack I don't even want to write the first part of that last sentence. Better not be true or else this is going to be a boring world.



Cherokee mist, I'm in that same age group. Can also relate to what you wrote. Maybe it is the times. I'm sure it's a lot healthier to think that than lay the problem with myself. Actually I think just nice cordial people in general are disappointed the most because for a million reasons a lot of others don't give a fuck to return the favor or act within certain boundries. Then paranoia & self-blame kicks in.

But i'm getting kind of sick of interactions where I wonder around my playful self to different groups. And the moment I sit on my ass I'm left to my lone-some self. Or conversations that seem to play out that way. It doesn't feel reciprocated if it's all an offensive social effort.

what?

 

That's what I figured. Honestly, I don't think people wanting to conversate with you is always tied to sexual attraction. For example, a girl may not have a lot in common with you to hold lengthy conversations, but still be interested in you sexually.

I think sexual attraction and being seen as "dating material" in a girls mind has a lot to do about vibe vs friendliness and conversation. Are you openly flirting with these girls? If you have a flirtatious vibe around women, they are likely going to notice you as a potential mate. Whereas if you don't give off that vibe, they may simply overlook you regardless of how friendly and chatty you are. And vibe goes beyond just flirting. It's also how you walk, talk, your mannerisms, etc. A lot of girls tend to overlook the cliche computer/geek type guy because they simply don't give off a sexual vibe IMO.

Anyways, I'll have to think about this topic more and add to this later. My mind is just someplace else right now.

 

yeah, women are vending machines that take douche tokens.

alternatively, you can put in sperm tokens and babies come out.

 

Hey. We like Oreos, too.

 

Maybe I give off a your-best-friend-trying-to-test-the-romantic-waters w/ you vibe.

Not good.

 

If you aren't friendly, they probably aren't going to notice you at all, unless you look like an athlete. You don't really have a choice.

Don't all single guys mindfuck themselves over this?

Hey, a lot of people suck. What can you do?

What does 'nice' mean these days anyway? Some people use it to describe a spineless loser, or fake and manipulative, like some preachers and politicians. The original meaning is more like the opposite of a jerk or asshole, but it isn't universal anymore.

This is just a part of the times we're living in. Being a hermit is trendy right now.

 

i've always seen it as pretty much the opposite of a jerk or asshole. i didn't really realize the definition had changed, although that explains a lot.

it is? the hipsters must love me then.