Hi anyone who is reading this. I just need to tell someone how I am feeling before my brain explodes. I'm female and married with two young children. I have always felt more attracted to women than men though -most of my teenage crushes were on girls. But I suppressed all these feelings because (I now know) I was trying to conform to what I thought my parents (especially my dad) wanted me to be. With age and experience I now know that he would have been happy as long as I was happy, but those thoughts are deeply ingrained now and I feel that I have gone so far down this path (getting married and having children) that I can't see how I can go back. So, yeah, married. And I love my husband. But I do not feel attracted to him any more. To complicate things further, I am obsessed (if that's the right word) with a female friend. We've been friends since last July although we have known each other for a couple of years and have always got on well. For various reasons our friendship had to be a secret until recently (my husband knows but nobody else) and I suppose the secrecy added to the excitement. She is all I can think about. We e mail or text nearly every day but only see each other once every two or three weeks. There is nobody else I feel so strongly about. I know she likes me as a friend, and I know that she has had boyfriends in the past but is currently single. I think that if I was not married etc I wouldn't have a problem with telling her how I feel - my feelings are so strong and I trust her so much that I would be willing to go for it. But my children are young and so many people would be hurt that I don't think that is an option. I don't know if she feels anything like the same - I would love to believe that she does - when we hug it feels like she really means it, and neither of us likes to let go. She says lovely things to me and really makes me feel special. I've always told myself that I wouldn't say anything to her unless she said something first, but lately I have been wondering if I should just get it out there, just tell her how I feel, and that I know nothing can come of it and that she probably doesn't even feel the same anyway. But if we can't have a relationship, then I want her in my life as a friend and I would rather that than tell her and risk losing her all together. I can't even contemplate telling my husband how I feel. It would hurt him too badly. So I suppose my only option is to keep it inside. At least then it is only me that is hurting. I'm not expecting much in terms of an answer and I don't really feel any better for rambling on but I had to get it out or go mad. Aaargh I love her so much
How is your marriage? Would you consider divorce? Maybe being unhappy with your life is not best for your children either...
If I was in your position I would tell her first and see her reaction since you are already aware of the consequence of doing that. And in my opinion I think it is fair to tell your husband that you are not attracted to him anymore, even though you going to hurt him, but it is better than lying to him.
You really are between a rock and a hard place. Your own situation is not unique. Many women find they marry and become mothers, only to discover that those strange feelings that have been there surface eventually. many lesbians are mothers who married and like you, "discovered" their true sexuality later. (me for instance!!!! though I avoided the marriage) It happens and eventually both you and hubby would move on. Your lady friend is the "hard place." It would be tragic to take that big step and discover she is not gay, but merely a wonderful friend. That for both of you - actually all three (inc hubby here) would be tragic. Remember a good marriage needs good sex, but my heart bleeds for you in this situation.
