I bet you never heard this one before... I'm 36, been with my wife for about 15 years and we have 2 kids in grade school. Everything is great, wonderful - except the sex!!! I get so sexually frustrated and it's like a roller coaster for me. Sometimes the frustration is low but when it peaks I feel like I would have sex with any reasonably attractive woman given the opportunity. Basically it's the classic bait and switch scenario. We got married and sex was never 'great' in my opinion. At most sex was 3 times a week but I'd be in heaven if I could get close to that now. Over time it's declined to where now we have sex 2-3 times a month! It drives me crazy. We've 'talked' about it over the last 6 years as it's gotten worse, even went to counseling. Ultimately she wanted the therapy to help me deal with her not wanting sex, not helping her engage in more sex. After this last bout I realized that there is no more communication required. From her point of view I should simply be ecstatic with whatever she's willing to do sexually and not complain or say otherwise. Also, I work and support her financially very comfortably. In the past year I've gotten in great shape and have a new passion for lifting weights and eating right. Trying everything I can to be an attractive partner. It hasn't helped at all. Well, it's helped her I guess. When we do have sex she definitely cums more times during a sex sessions and comments on how my body has transformed (and still is). She enjoys sex when we have it, the problem is she only wants it a few times a month. My hand is getting tired Anyway - I just want to vent. I know it must sound screwed up but I do love her and my kids more then anything. It would tear me apart to not wake up in the house with them everyday. I would never choose divorce. But the urge to explore sexual experiences outside my marriage only increases and I don't see declining. In fact I'm pretty much 100% certain that if an opportunity comes up where I could be with another woman I probably wouldn't have the will to resist. I'm not proud, just being honest.
Well I have heard this this one before, because I lived it for 16 years! Unlike you though I would never have cheated in that time, because it goes against everything I believe. Don't know what to tell you here other then I doubt it is ever going to get better in this situation. I moved on and am now living the sex life I always wanted with someone else. It is really your call on what you want to do. Just know that if you do cheat and get caught you might not have the life you do anymore.
If she doesn't want to have sex with you, she should be ok with you having sex with someone else. It's just bullshit marriage, dick-in-a-jar non-issue that people love to make a big deal about. Also, you're putting her up. Does she at least keep the kitchen and bathroom clean? If not, you may just be being taken for a ride.
Agreed completely. Similarly, my husband began to lose interest in sex 3 years ago. It got to the point that we only had intercourse only about once a month or so if that, and very minimal intimacy other times. About 10 months ago, I went to him and told him enough is enough. I told him he needed to change or make a compromise. He chose the latter. So for the past 10 months, I have been having sex with a lover on the side and my husband knows. It's worked out great for the most part minus a couple bouts of jealousy but nothing big. I'm happier than I have been in years.
agree - it's all about communication, tho if you have been to therapy together then you have talked about it in the past. I am in a similar position except being bisexual I cheated initially by moving onto to meeting guys. Menopause is often having an effect but from what you say I judge her age to well below. You will always get found out and so it's better to be upfront about your needs and ask if she is willing to open up the marriage on her side. An excellent support and forum is Making mixed orientated marriages work - MMOMW - while it is more for mixed orientation as the title says there is much discussion of open marriages. Good luck, Simon :sunny:
Yeah, I've heard about this disease called marriage. Damn, I might rather catch some STI than to catch that. Like digging for water in the Sahara. :sunny:
:afro: Polyamoury... wonderful thing. I could never be in a relationship where I wasn't free. In fact, I believe having the freedom and choosing to come home to the same person every night is MORE of a commitment to someone than a monogamistic marriage. On the other hand, part of me is still glad my primary doesn't feel the need to exercise her freedom with other males... the jealousy still rises even when you're comfortable with the scenario. But on the other hand, it's a great confidence boost that I satisfy her emotionally and sexually.
I could never stay in a marriage where i was not sexually satisfied... sex isnt everything but in my opinion it brings two people closer because it is so intimate when you are married. I agree with the other post... if she isnt giving it to you, she cant get mad when you get it somewhere eles.
Yeah, that's not how a marriage is supposed to work sexually. I don't support adultery, but this is the same reason I support poly.
I have, and I'm sure you've heard this one yourself, but maybe you should stop being so accomodating to her. This doesn't mean turning into a Backdoor Man (a Hip Forums member who, if you don't know who he is, check out some of his posts), but the guy has a point in that all relationships involve a transaction, and frankly, if she's telling you she's not interested in your sexual happiness, does not enjoy being intimate, and you can - literally - go fuck yourself, well now...this sounds like there's a good deal more going on than the regular diminishing libido, which is inevitable in long term relationships and getting older, but neither cast in stone as how it HAS to be, but you have to want to work at it. Do you think you can say she loves you back in a meaningful way, despite all this? Because one thing I've noticed being around on this planet called earth, is that the love we might assume to be universal based on all those books, TV shows, sad songs, etc., is anything but universal, and a staggering number of people are entirely egotistical and selfishly motivated automata who might feign affection, but are really just manipulating others for their long term gain. You may need to adopt a new strategy.
Right there too. I'm much older though, and have rationalized it by saying I need to live my life fully without wrecking the lives of others.
I think you are at a cross roads and the only way to save your marriage and simultaneously get what you need to feel fulfilled is to have an honest, logical discussion with your wife on how she honestly views sex. Either: 1. it is unimportant and not linked to the success of your relationship. In this case, it is completely fair for you to seek sex (not necessarily intimacy elsewhere) with her OK 2. It is important and linked to the success of your relationship. In this case, she should not be denying you sex This is a classic dilemma and your wife cannot have it both ways -- she cannot withhold sex from you because it is not important enough to make an effort for, and at the same time say it is so important to the integrity of your relationship that she denies you having sex elsewhere.
I am in the same boat...together with my spouse 9 years...married over 7 and have two kids. I love him, want to stay with him and keep our family together but the sex has also declined. In the last year I've also become fit, lost 30 lbs and go to the gym daily, probably in part to work off my sexual frustration. Our stories differ though in that I've already strayed. In the fall I reconnected with an ex...one that I was only ever "fuck buddies" with in the past. He is also in a committed reationship....turns out the people we met while in our "FWB" relationship 9 years ago were the ones we committed to but we never reached the same level of sexual satisfaction with them as we do with each other. I realize this is completely immoral, puts both he and I at risk of losing our families, but right now its doing an amazing job of filling needs for both of us. Neither of us wanted to stray with strangers, it just sort of worked out. For now.
I stray too, and have done so for about a year now. I'm 18 years into a marriage, 27 years with the same man. We have 2 great kids, and I don't want to wreck their lives. Oddly, I mentally quit the marriage several years back so I could escape being so angry with him. Now that I'm physically separate too, I feel alive again. We're good roommates, and outwardly nothing looks different. The saddest thing? It is all about the same for my husband being he is quite unaware of what goes on around him.
