Is it wrong?

I really really hate my mother-in-law to-be. She's an alcoholic, she's oblivious, self-centered, obnoxious, and the most selfish person I've ever met in my life. The alcohol just makes it worse.

Her son and I are engaged, as you can tell. He wants our wedding to be a big fancy thing with all his family there. There are 20+ family members of his that I've never even met on top of the 30ish that I have met, and the extent of my family and friends is like 15. I was reading that each person you invite to your wedding adds around 100 dollars more to your budget. And that's not even counting the open bar..which I'm not even sure I want to have because of his mom. She doesn't care if it's a holiday or an important event, if she can, she will get drunk. She got money somehow and missed out on a big thanksgiving dinner at my fiance's cousin's house this year and almost missed out on a Christmas party. I really don't want her to show up drunk at my wedding and I honestly kind of don't want to even invite her.

I really don't even know how much she likes me because I'm not a fake person. She's irresponsible but she's got this fucking entitled attitude that makes me have absolutely no respect for her. I don't talk to her much anymore, and if I do have to have a convo with her I try to end it as soon as I can. I'm civil, but I won't pretend that I like her.

I tried to talk to my fiance about having a small wedding with just a few guests that we agree upon including his grandmother who I love, his uncle and his wife, his cousin and his parents, my sister and nephew, a couple of my friends, and a couple of his and that's it. Is that so wrong? I'm about to just say fuck it, if I can't choose who I don't want there without a guilt trip then why am I wasting my money having a wedding at all?

 

Well, what does HE think about his own mother going?

 

He wants to phase her out of our lives because he can't stand her but it doesn't sit right with him to not invite her and every member of his family and I have several reasons for thinking it's unnecessary. For one, these people don't care about or know me except for the fact that I'm marrying a relative of theirs that they never see. Another thing, the more people we invite, the more money we need to save. The more money we need to save, the longer until we can have the wedding.

But about his mother, I mean, she's the mother of the groom so no matter how awful she is, it's kind of assumed that she's going to be there. If she's not, it'll raise a lot of questions and maybe it'd just be easier to grin and bear it. It's just that it's supposed to be our day and I don't want her ruining it. And she could very easily ruin it if she shows up drunk and says some shit that makes me upset and then I'd have to have her kicked out of my wedding.

 

Princess, you are indeed in a tough situation with this. If y'all do have a planned event where people are invited, it will definitely cause questions and maybe even a hullaballoo (that's a big TO DO) if she is not even invited. Since she is an alcoholic, maybe make sure she has something to drink before the wedding and she'll be easier to deal with and possibly even pass out.

I don't know that I agree about each person invited adds $100 per person. I mean, it is all up to you and him as far as how extravagant you want it to be. It seems I've seen that you are crafty, making things, etc. MUCH money can be saved by doing the wedding planning, flowers, etc on your own. Having an open bar that only has say wine or something...and not providing just all types of unlimited alcohol would also save money and could be very nice, but not conducive to getting everybody blotto. Personally, I wouldn't want to have to stay and entertain people for hours on end afterwards.

I got married by the Justice of the Peace in the courthouse, and when it happened I was thrilled to death. Stinkin deep in love and all that jazz, and I never felt like I missed out on anything. I've seen the planning of weddings about drive everybody near the planning insane and bezerk.

 

God, that has happened so many times. With her passing out and not showing up to things.

I said that I read about that being the case but I doubt it will be that way for us. I don't know much about wedding planning..I have a lot to research. But I wanted to, if there were not too many people, to have a couple friends bring food or maybe BBQ and then just have a couple bottles of wine or champagne around and everyone gets a glass or two. I want it to be a simple thing. I did think about making most of the decorations myself too.

I love that you did that though. It's more intimate that way, simple, no drama. I guess to appease everyone I'll just have to invite her but I'm not going to spend a shitload of money to have an open bar and have everyone get wasted. At my fiance's uncle's wedding, the reception lasted until well after midnight and I was feeling like an old fart because all I wanted to do was go home, take off my heels and go to bed. And when it's our wedding, I'm not going to want to stick around that long either. I want to get the honeymoon started!

 

LOL! It might be worth investing in a bottle of booze for her before the wedding...just sayin' it might be the easiest way.

And yeah, that with BBQ and maybe some finger foods or just BBQ and chips and some wine sounds like it could be perfect! Last year I went to my good friend's daughter's wedding. They rented this place nearby at a local lake to have the wedding. She made her own "decorations" and they cooked a pig beforehand and the pork/BBQ was damn on fire. yum yum She got somebody to make her wedding cake. It was a beautiful wedding and it didn't go on forever. I'm not interested in those forever events, and I felt like an old fart when I was still young. lol

She even ran off (made) her own invitations using some nice parchment paper - which isn't that terribly expensive when you buy package(s) of it. She was able to find some matching envelopes, and basically saved a bunch even doing that.

I know I've seen a picture of some stuff you had made and I remember thinking you were very good! :2thumbsup:

 

lol good thinking!

That sounds awesome! I'm sure I can get someone to make a cake for us, and I wouldn't even mind cooking some of the food for it since I do like cooking anyway. And the invites seem easy enough to do nicely. I hope my fiance can get on board with this (cutting some family members that we don't see loose from the invite list, I mean). Do you remember how many people were at your friend's daughter's wedding? Because it could be difficult if a lot of people are coming.

And thank you for the compliment I'm actually doing pretty well getting some extra cash with my etsy shop.

 

Elope or don't have an open bar.

When I married in 1970 I only had white wine at the reception. People could buy drinks on their own and there were some grumpy people but no drunks at the wedding.

It is your day, you should be able to have at least some of the things the way you want.

 

Well. I cant help you, that describes pretty much every female I've ever encountered.

Most of them end up marrying the closest thing to their mother they can find. I'm sure yours is one of the exceptions, cos that wouldnt be true, you'd be able to see it clear as day wouldnt you?

 

i say, invite her. seat her away from you. make sure the bar knows to cut her off at a certain point, and if she passes out drunk somewhere, leave her there til she wakes up.
seeing as she is the mother of the groom, inviting her would probably placate her attitude towards you in some way. just sorta let her be, deal with her with smiles, and move on once she stumbles away. its your wedding, its all about you guys, don't even waste your time dealing with her drunken shenanigans.

 

If she shows up drunk and is disruptive, have some type of bouncer/security remove her. Weddings are funny. They're supposed to be special, yet it's more that they are a "public show" so with that comes a certain obligation to let all of the family be there. You'll probably find a lot of peace if you just give up on that.

Or, elope. Have a big private party later.

 

That's a good idea if I happen to have the open bar there. I don't want her to have a reason to say that I took her son away from her or hate me. I don't mind being around her if it's not for a long amount of time and if she's sober. And you better believe if she passes out at my wedding I'll leave her there. Thanks for the advice

I know.. you'd think a wedding would be all about the people the event is for, but it's really not. It is kind of a show. I guess this whole thing was pointless because I'll have to invite her. I was just venting my frustration.

I hate that the people who bother you sit around oblivious to how terrible they are, and everyone else is stressed about what they're going to do. I want to not worry about what she's going to do and just worry about myself.

 

Hi, what an awful situation. What about using the impending wedding to read her the right act? Tell her how her alcoholism is ruining her and her relationships with people. Tell her you will take her to rehab and help her, but she has to be sober for the wedding. This is a very reasonable request as her behaviour could spoil your special day.
It is a good impetus to help her mend her life and you all to live in some semblance of peace.
I use to drink a lot, and thank God alone, somehow I was able to stop completely. I feel so much better and wish someone had read me the right act long ago, I had to read it to myself. Point is, the booze might be responsible for all that is wrong and this may be the only window of opportunity to "guilt" her, if you like, into taking action to stop.
Hope this helps, and hope you have a fairy tale wedding.

 

She's been to rehab about a dozen times and it was never because she wanted to quit drinking; it was because she had nowhere to go. It works for a while until she gets a job then starts again and loses her apartment and job. She's one of those addicts that just can't stop. She doesn't care.

I'm not going to waste time thinking otherwise and just let her do what she wants, but she's not going to ruin our lives doing it. That's why we're moving away from her. And I'll be damned if I'm going to expose my kids to a drunken grandmother if she doesn't get her shit together.

 

From everything I've read that you've written about her, I'd have to agree that it would do absolutely no good whatsoever to try and talk her out of drinking. I'd be willing to bet (at this stage of the game) that the closest thing you're going to come to having some peace about it is to make sure she is snockered beforehand.

I totally understand not wanting to have to worry about what an alcoholic is going to do, especially on your big day.

My husband was an alcoholic, and honest to God, I didn't realize that until about 2 years into the marriage. I'm just adding that in to let you know I know more about being around/living with an alcoholic than many people, and definitely more than I ever wanted to know!

Oh, and at that wedding I mentioned, there were around 50 people.

 

I think your wedding should be exactly what you want it to be. The last thing you want to be is stressed out and frazzled on your wedding day because of your mother in law.

If I felt that much family pressure I would probably grab my closest friends and elope.

If you do have a big wedding and invite a lot of family then inviting her would probably be the easiest situation in the long run. You would have to be prepared for a lot of family tension if you didn't invite her.

If you do invite her, just make sure you have a plan if she gets out of hand and make sure you have people onboard to carry out the plan for you so it doesn't even bother you or become your worry. Maybe get a friend to keep an eye on her and act as security and escort her out, even take her home, if she starts drinking too much.

 

Yeah I guess.. or just hope that she can control herself for one day. If she doesn't, the rest of the family is going to lose any respect they have left for her. She kind of has a soft spot for her brother, and she's kind of scared of him. I don't think he'll tolerate any BS from her at my wedding, so that's good.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that..did he get sober? And thanks for the kind words. I thought you might have had experience with addicts before. It's hard for people to understand this type of situation otherwise.

50? That's great. It gives me kind of an idea how many people we can manage to cook for if we decided to do the reception ourselves.

 

Why not elope and then have a reception afterward. You could even do a afternoon tea and dessert reception instead of serving alcohol. Or an evening candlelight reception serving only punches with a dance and light buffet.

Sorry that your day is not about your day.......happens and make the best of it and a memory with the person you love instead.

 

ummm...no, he didn't get sober, which ultimately led me to divorce him. For what it's worth neither of us ever married again...and he's been dead since 1999. When we divorced, I still loved him, but I knew I just couldn't and wouldn't raise our son in that environment. To me, that would have been condoning the drinking, if not actively approving of it.

I did manage to fall in love and get my heart soundly broken after that, which did it for me in the love department. Have you ever heard that if you haven't contemplated murder you haven't really loved? lol...well, I know I don't want to go to jail, and I'm realistic enough to know I would probably get caught if I ever let my baser emotions guide me. I often live in my memories. So, that is my story. :mickey:

 

Thanks everyone for the advice. If the wedding itself weren't so important to my fiance then I'd do what Heat said and just take a couple people and go elope.