The Orgy of Pigs & Donkeys & Elephants at Uncle Sam Whorehouse a musical by Wolf Larsen And then both the Democratic & Republican candidates for President crawl out of the two big toilets on stage. One of the presidential candidates is a big ass or donkey and the other is a fat elephant. The writer announces from his desk: "It's time for the great debates! The great debates of hotdogs and brand-new Chevrolets are about to begin! Everybody please put fried chicken on top of your heads and attach your ears to your buttocks and listen and listen and listen!" The saxophone screeches: "LiSten and liSten and liSten!" The ass (donkey) steps up to the podium on the left and sings: "Long live the Party-of-Asses! Barack Obama is giving George ‘Segregation Forever’ Wallace a blowjob! Harry Truman is defecating nuclear bombs on Hiroshima & Nagasaki! And the Ku Klux Klan is riding in the night and implementing Dixiecrat policies all over the South! Long live the Party-of-Asses! Long live progressive Democratic politics!" The big fat elephant on the podium on the right sings: "You know what good cop and bad cop is? (laughs).” The piccolo laughs. Then both the elephant and ass sing together: "We're good cop and bad cop!" (They laugh). Both the clarinet & piccolo laugh together. And the writer sings from his desk: "And now for the question & answer period." The trumpet belches: "Bleeeeuuuurrrrggghhhhh!!" The clarinet repeats: "Bleeeeuuuurrrrggghhhhh!!" And now seated at a table are a rat and a skunk. They are both human-sized. The skunk sings: "Hello audience! It's so Peking boo-bop to be here today! The sun is shining gloriously like the future mushroom clouds! Yippee to the future mushroom clouds! Anyway, I'm Mister Skunk from the liberal news channel! And I have a question for both candidates. My question is: If we pick the Vietnam War out of Uncle Sam's nose and we vomit the wars of Iraq & Afghanistan in the toilet like a fashion model – then should we wear Prada or Armani?" The ass at the podium answers (singing): "Well that's a very zeeko-culo bing-ha ha whoopee kind of question! Yes it is! You see, we in the Party-of-Asses defeated Reconstruction! And can you believe the black people vote for us?! Yes they do! We put the Confederate flag on most of the state flags of the South. And still the black people vote for us! Whoop-de-do! I even had my derrière painted with the Confederate flag! Oh yes I did! It looks so wippity-dippity-do! This may be considered a zackidity-wackity contradiction, as I am officially black. But I'm a Party-of-Asses kind of man! YES YES YES!" "Oh yes yes yes!” plays the piccolo. The big fat elephant then sings: "Congratulations to you, my worthy Party-of-Asses opponent! And while I thought the question was quite zippityy good, I'd rather talk about socialist clouds invading the sky! This is very serious! Sockety-wockity-clock! You see, there's a plot involving Joseph Stalin, abortion activists, and the devil. Oh beepity-meepity ha ha ha! And this plot is to turn America into a socialist corn tortilla exporter of bonga-clones – bonga-hocka-moka! – with illegal Mexican immigrants pretending to be legitimate space aliens in order to steal our nation’s emergency supply of toilet paper. It's toilet paper I'm talking about! Serious serious serious! Now I know, that technically Joseph Stalin is dead, but you can never underestimate the massive international shortages of toilet paper that might result if ecologists are allowed to determine the laws of our great nation. That is why I have proposed legislation to outlaw all other religions except for my own. I personally talk to God every night, and God will help me improve the economy and give every unemployed American a job! God promised me so in a telephone call last night!" And the audience sings: "Down with the environmentalists! More toilet paper! More toilet paper!" The saxophone sings: "MoOore toOoilet papeeer! MoOore toOoilet papeeer!" And the rat sings: "Hello! Hello! Hello! I'm Mrs. Rat of the right-wing news channel. Hello! Hello! Hello! I'm very concerned – like many Americans – about the homosexual conspiracy to zonk the clonk and doople-do the do! What are we going to do about the gay agenda of zonk the clonk and doople-do the schmipity-do? My question is: If homosexuals start adapting children won't the hair fall out of George Washington’s head?" And that's when the big ass answers singing: "Oh say can you seeeee, by the dawn's early light, the flames of Wacko & Osage Avenue blessing our nation with progressive Democratic values? Sometimes, when the flames of Vietnam & Wacko & Osage Avenue are burning through my campaign speeches, I feel like scratching my hemorrhoids and that makes me feel very patriotic! I'm proud to be a hemorrhoid-scratching American! Of course, this has nothing to do with your question, which I don't feel like touching with a 10 foot pole –" Copyright 2012 by Wolf Larsen
