Anyone in a remotely similar situation?!

I am 23 and have a 2 year old daughter with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. We live together and get on well but the sex has almost completely halted, mostly because of me.

I have always flirted with the idea of being with a women and - TMI! - for as long as I remember I have only ever orgasmed when thinking about girls. I am actually not sure if I have ever orgasmed from penetrative sex. Even though this seems like a massive signal that I may not be that into guys, it is just not something I have ever even considered for myself. I am pretty girly and it just literally is not something I have ever seriously thought about, I have been attracted to many guys over the years and have had quite a few relationships but something has always felt missing. I have always had commitment issues and all of my relationships have ended because I have suddenly woken up one day and felt totally disgusted by my boyfriend at the time. I think a lot of my exes think I am a heartless bitch!

Recently a friend of mine started a lesbian relationship which I think is what got me really thinking about it. I find myself looking at photos of her and her gf on Facebook and feeling so jealous of them. I just don't know what to do. But its not like I have ever actually been attracted to any of my female friends over the years, and I have a lot of really really beautiful friends. I wonder if its because I have never let myself really entertain the thought before, I have compartmentalised that side of my sexuality for such a long time.

I feel like my boyfriend would actually be pretty understanding if I ended things for this reason as we are very good friends too - but I think the whole having a child aspect makes it so difficult for me and I don't even know why. I live in Brighton so it isn't like I don't live somewhere liberal, there are so many gay parents that I don't think I have to worry about my daughter 'not fitting in' or whatever - but I just feel like I can't accept it, or maybe that I don't fully trust my own instinct. What if I break up with my boyfriend and then decide I am straight after all?! I have never had any kind of sexual relationship with a girl bar a few drunken attention seeking kisses when I was a young teenager. Recently I started talking to a really beautiful girl on POF after drunkenly signing up months ago and never logging on until now, and the thought of meeting her makes me literally tingle.

I also worry about family. Not so much my sisters but my mum. She is a fairly open minded person but a part of me feels like she would have an issue with me being with another woman because 'I'm a mum'. I am ashamed to say that some of her views in terms of gay parenting are totally backwards and seem to be getting worse as she gets older.

Thank you so much if you have got this far, I guess I just need to write it down as this has been consuming me for months and I don't know where else to turn to for advice. Any pearls of wisdom or harsh doses of reality will be greatly appreciated!

 

Hi Lou,

I really sympathise with your situation and completely understand your fears about what others will think. I know we shouldn't care about that but when you've only ever been with guys and your family and friends have only ever seen you as straight, plus perhaps yourself, it's very difficult.

I always thought I was straight, I am only now wondering if I also like girls because I've fallen for a friend. I have been in relationships with guys and like you have only ever kissed girls when drunk, but I have also thought about girls sometimes, thinking it was just something that everyone has as a fantasy sometimes, but maybe they don't if they're totally straight.

I really like the girl I'm with at the moment but I'm scared because she has been hurt before and knows that in the future she wants to get married and have a child. I've only ever seen myself marrying a guy and having children but I am happy with her and want to see where it goes. But what if I freak out and can't take it that far or if it ends and she gets hurt. Plus my family are strict and would never ever understand so I doubt I could even tell them. It's good your mum wouldn't be too harsh, and I bet she would come around in time if she is open minded.

I tried to talk to my friend about it last night and it was a uncomfortable conversation. She asked lots of questions I felt embarrassed about answering and she kept saying I was confused and I've just been put off by men.

The thing is I do like men but every relationship I've had hasn't worked out and I know tons of people have that but I think it's honestly difficult for relationships with guys to work out because they are so different from us whereas with her she just gets me and it's like being with your best friend.

Sorry to talk about me so much, I'm also girly like you so it's all very confusing and I feel I have noone to talk to about it too.

Have you tried to talk to your boyfriend or your sisters if you think they'd be understanding?

What would you do in my situation? Do you think I should be worrying so much?

Thanks,
Talia

 

Girl, you've gotta start checking the post date of threads and the last log in date of the OP of one post threads.. you've surely spent the time to type out a text wall response that will fall on deaf ears for the OP

 

haha oops, I'm new to this website and rubbish with technology lol I really am a typical girly girl aren't I!

 

No.. most girly girls are awesome with technology.. at least technology they can hold up to the side of their face and gab their mouth off into.

 

hahaha ok ok I'm a chatterbox, you got me lol and yes I'm fine with using my mobile lol