Sharing information equals trust?

Hi!
I just have a small question to ask;
Do you think it's necessary to share everything of your past with your partner, or that hiding some information is a sign of distrust?
Let's say that you have had big events in your life that has been a big part in shaping the way you are today, but even so you don't feel like sharing it with your partner. I'm talking about events that has nothing to do with the relationship you have with your partner and that you haven't told anyone else?
Let's say that when you were younger you used to be bullied a lot or you had problems with depression etc. Is these things that you think are necessary to tell your partner if you yourself don't feel like revealing those sort of things?
I can see that if you were telling everyone else, except your partner, about those events it might not be a good way of showing the trust you have in your partner (I would at least not feel very trusted in such a situation). But if you have things you just want to keep to yourself, and you haven't told anyone else about it, not regarding the few who were involved and already know it, would it be wrong to keep the secret? How much are you "obliged" to share in a relationship?
By the way this is not about any past sexual relationship and is information that shouldn't have anything that is connected with your partner, and in worst case by telling it you might end up getting the pity look that you can't stand.

I'm just asking out of curiosity to see what the bigger opinion is about this. Hope my explanation was not too vaguely.

Best regards,

InSearchOfHarmony

 

it depends on the relationship level/longevity to some extent, but no, i don't think you should necessarily be required to disclose everything to your partner, particularly when it doesn't directly affect them.

 

My partner and I tell each other everything! Past, present and future. Our communication with each other is completly open in all aspects of our lives. Neither one of us has had this kind of communication with anyone else we have been with including my 16 year marriage which was the complete oppasite. It has done nothing but make every aspect of our relationship incredible! We both feel like we have an unbreakable bond and a connection with each other that is one of a kind. We have a high level of security, trust and respect in each other and our sex life is off the charts good. To each their own and whatever works for whoever great. This works for us!

 

I think that when you can feel comfortable sharing these things you have more of a clue of how secure your relationship is.

You don't have to share everything, and many things shared can never really tell what it really means to you and you can't expect anyone to understand every part of you completely...but if you feel like you're "hiding" a part of yourself, that is likely also very telling.

 

I don't think there is any set rule.

I think discussions about yourself and your past should mirror what they reveal about themselves to you. It should be a natural progression within a conversation
and you can control the level of detail you want to disclose without lying.
I do think that the relationship level of fiance and spouse, does warrant full disclosure though. (Sexual past omitted on a case by case basis) Sexual health should be truthfully disclosed at the onset of a sex act encounter.

 

Hi! I'm mostly grateful for all your responses.
I'minmyunderwear; Exactly what I'm thinking, is that if it has nothing at all to do with the other person then it shouldn't be an issue to just keep it like that. What do you think it actually tells about yourself or your relationship if there are things that you would rather keep to yourself? Is it a sign of insecurity? Not feeling comfortable with disclosing some matters, or just protecting yourself against being put in a certain view by your partner. Is it a sign of distrust? You don't want to take whatever risk it might be by telling your partner this?

I see that you mentions that it depends on the relationship level/longevity. Is it some way of dividing a relationship into different levels, and what does it actually mean to be on a higher than a lower level, is the relationship better or just deeper? Just asking out of pure curiosity and for gaining some relationship knowledge

enhancer13: I think that's great :2thumbsup: I'm guessing that this is your best relationship so far? Has there ever been anything that you wished you didn't knew, that you didn't have to hear?

usedtobehoney: What if you never feel comfortable about sharing these things, no matter how much you love the person or whoever the person is?
What if it is something you just want to be buried away in the past?
I think I should have formulated myself better in the first post regarding hiding things. I'm not thinking about hiding things, because usually hiding things indicate that there is something wrong that you don't want another person to discover. It's more of an issue about how much privacy are you allowed to have in a relationship?
Would you feel disappointed if your partner didn't tell you that he/she had a difficult time growing up and that this might have had an impact on how the person is today. Let's say that you meet up with one of that person's friends from his/her past and that person tells you about incidents in your partner's life that you have never heard of before and when you confront the person with the information you only get the respons that it's something belonging to the past that they don't want to discuss. Would you accept it or how would it make you feel?

monkjr;
I also believe that there are no set rules, but I'm guessing that there might be some expectations?
Is a couple dependent on how much they share to each other, is it a natural progression or might it be that in most couples you have one partner who are more openly about sharing things with the other?
What is privacy for you in a relationship level of fiance and spouse, when you says that it does warrant full disclosure though? I agree that everything about your health (sexual and so on) should be totally disclosured considering that it is in fact something that affects the partner.

On the other hand, when it comes to the sexual past, I believe that it all depends on the couple and what they want and need to know. Most of the girls I have talked to have expressed that they don't feel comfortable about discussing previous experiences with their current boyfriends. I do believe that some information will be revealed whether you like it or not, usually the person has figured out their sexual preferences from their previous relationships, which they will show you in the bed. What is the general opinion about this? Even though I would prefer a girl with few sexual partners (just a personal preference, and I have nothing against women with many), I don't think that digging into her sexual past would give me any satisfaction and by what I have gotten to know most people will in this context withstand information they might think will put them in a bad light..

As I have no relationship experience at all I'm just asking these questions to get more points of view around certain subjects and I truly appreciate all the responses!

 

My grandmother always said never tell a man everything and she was right!

 

Hey, you need some mystery in the world, if we knew everything it would be boring.. I've been in relationships and done the extremes.. in my marriage I probably wasn't open enough re feelings, frustrations etc.. but then you can divulge too much too quickly in my opinion, let it out like a fishing rod..

 

what it tells about yourself? could be any of those things you listed. could also be that you're just a naturally private person and like to have some things that are just yours. or it could be that you just don't see the point in talking about certain irrelevant things. or maybe you don't want to burden your partner, especially if you're genuinely past it but you know they will take it hard anyway. i'm sure there's other possible reasons i'm not thinking of right now too.

as far as relationship level, all i really mean there is that, for example, on a first date you really shouldn't go too far beyond the superficial, while by the time you move in together you should have a pretty general understanding of each other, and if you're celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary there's probably very little you don't know about your partner (although if there is something that one of you keeps to yourself this long, that's still not necessarily wrong).

 

I agree with what others have said answering your most recent post after mine above this one.

As for the financial aspect of things during dating, I think it's a case by case basis.

I think the easiest is splitting the bill 50/50 with the man paying the tip if there is one expected after a (breakfast,lunch, or dinner) date. But it isn't a rule it's a case by case basis based on the nature of the relationship and what each person feels comfortable with.


As for the level of fiance, full financial disclosure about any debt that either if person has needs to be told up front before it affects the soon-to-be-expected married financial history.

The legal aspects of that, would require a lawyer's assistance, and I am not qualified to talk about financial law so I'll end on that piece of advice. All I know is that prenups are a good idea and financial laws for marriage vary by State and Country.

 

Digging into someone's sexual past is kind of controlling. If a guy wanted details about what I have done with exes, that would raise red flags.

 

Yes this is by far the best relationship I have been in and I know she feels the same way! We also both feel it is that way, because of the communication we have. As far as if there is anything I wish I didn't know no there is not. Everyone has pasts and a persons past has a lot to do with the person they are today. Everyone also has things they regret in the past, but it is all part of the learning experience. I love the person she is now and anything she did before me has no bearing on that.

 

ever since i got sent away and arrested for telling my own DAD what drugs i do because people say honesty trust bla bla. Truth is some people cant handle the truth and if you suspect somebody is gna react real bad to what you admit then its not worth confessing shit.
Only person who knows all about me is my best friend, no reason to hide anything because we both dont giva fuck. Not like he knows how much i wank it thatd be weird lol.
But ya i put up a big front to certain people even my roommates and i feel no remorse its awesome like its a game to get as high as i can handle on hard drugs, then chill and have a good time with my family/roomies whatever and its win win for everybody. Fuck those ignorant people and always lie. Lie to police especially but im sure you guys know that.

 

I dated a guy for four years that had a history of sexual abuse. He never talked about it with me and the only reason I know about it is because one drunken night a friend started talking about how she had been abused and my boyfriend alluded to his past. Honestly his inability to share defining moments of his past (and thats a big one..once I found out it explained so many things about his personality) is one of the reasons our relationship fell apart, but at the same time I never really minded that he didn't want to share it with me. I'm a pretty private person and I understand some things are just too personal. The problem wasn't really that he didn't want to share factual information but that he didn't want to share himself at all. He just kept too many walls up.

There are some things my partner in my current relationship doesn't know about me but I don't think it really matters - I don't share all the factual information but at the end of the day its just facts. He still knows me..I'm not putting up any walls and I'm emotionally available. I think thats what it boils down to..it doesn't really matter if you know everything about a person as long as you have a basic understanding of why they are the way they are. I don't think he needs to know every detail of my life and he probably doesn't want to.

 

No. Trust is earned. It grows with the time spent together. hard to describe really.

 

Such things are odd to even think of why anyone might want to know these things about someone if they even remotely cared for them. Personal business is personal unless you share it. And what you share can always potentially come back to hurt you in the end. I could care less about knowing what someone has done in the past unless they want to share it, otherwise if a lover wants to know this stuff without you telling them, even I would raise red flags on the most intimate of partners.

 

I know this is off topic but;
Where have I heard that before?

 

I want to add that if you are a public figure though (actor/politician), you need to know 100% of all your partner's past. (possible sex tapes floating around, voting record, etcetera)

Because being associated with them CAN and DOES impact your life from a logical career point of view so in those rare cases they need to know.

 

Your consciousness awakens, GordonSummers. Listen to your consciousness. Obey your consciousness. Be one with your consciousness.
:afro: