What makes you stay?

Just wondering what it is that makes all you people that are in unhappy and unhealthy relationships stay with your partner?

I was unhappily married for 16 years! I stayed for all the wrong reasons always hoping things would get better. I believed in what marriage is all about. I stayed for the kids thinking it was better for them to have a complete family. I didn't want to have to give up half of everything I worked so hard to get and was scared it was to late to start over.

It didn't take me long after it all fell apart anyways to know I was wrong in all my fears! I still believe in spending my life with one person, but don't believe in doing that with the wrong person. I now know my kids are way better off with parents that are happy then parents that are not when they are together. I realize now that no material things you own can ever make you as happy as being with someone in strong secure loving relationship can and last it is never to late to start over and live the best years of your life with the real thing.

 

Fear of change and fear of the unknown, in general in more than just in the avenues of love, sex, and relationships, is part of human nature.

People tend to settle, even if what they're settling for is absolute ***t which could possibly be a life threatening situation and sometimes is.

 

Not staying intimate after longer periods of time would cause me to reconsider things. But "settling" is never a good choice IMO. Both partners wanting to stay is. Otherwise if you are so unhappy then it is always a difficult choice to choose your desire for real love or destroying your children's lives. But it is always up to the person at hand. And it is never too late to start over with the real thing at any age. Harder? Yes, but Impossible? No.

 

Sometimes you stay because you know there will be an end to it. And you know the importance of your responsibilities more than the desire in front of you. You finish one thing before you start the next.

 

Yes but do the ends always justify the possible destruction? Honestly if a lover was unhappy with me for such a long time I would prefer they be honest about it and at least try to prevent the children from becoming victims of such an unfortunately frequent event that much too often is filled with explosive amounts of hate. If a lover is unhappy then a true partner would wish to know how to at least try to please the lover more before being on the receiving end of such a quick and unexpected end. Why do more men not feel this way? It makes no sense that a lover would hold these things in until the point of a release filled with so much hate, would just happen. Ugly endings should be avoided, but they never are.

 

You are right if both partners want to stay then it is worth trying! Splitting up does not destroy childrens lives. They will not learn a good life lesson seeing their parents both unhappy with their lives. All they can learn from that is that they should settle for less then the best that life has to offer. At least now my kids get to be around at least one of their parents that is happy everyday with themselves and be in a comfortable situation without people treating each other with disrespect. Kids are not stupid and they can tell when there is no real love between their parents. This does them no good.

 

you don't let there be "possible destruction" because anyone should act like an adult. Unhappy is not a good enough reason. Most people need break up for very trivial reasons. You got together in the first place.

 

What is this "settle for less" bs. It's so cliche, and doesn't address that many people act selfishly.

 

Oh so somehow being in two separate homes eases the pain that their parents dont' have real love. It doesn't.

 

But have you finished one thing before you started another thing? Is it responsible to have something else on the side and if you do is that not taking something you desire over your reponsibilities? I only ask, because in some threads you talk about being married and in others you talk about your FWB!

 

This was not what I meant, children do not often take these things as easily as people think they do. But such trivial things are what makes no sense to me. If a person is unhappy with a spouse for anywhere near the length of time enhancer13 described then I think they should just tell their partner and be truthful.

 

Having an affair isn't selfish to you?

 

First of all.....you are judgemental as hell. Secondly, I'd be a fool to try and explain anything to you. Suffice to say....everyone has to be responsible to make life as full as possible, and that is done in an infinite number of ways.

 

My children are very happy! Much more so then when they lived with two people that did not love each other. They tell me all the time.

 

I wash to know the same, but I think this may turn into an argument and I wish to avoid that.
calgirl could you also try to avoid this? Fights online are not really a good idea and I do not wish to instigate them.

 

Yes tell the partner, be truthful.....both good things. It doesn't necessarily justify leaving, especially when there are responsibilities that are far more important than happiness. Enhancer is a whiner....don't act like him, please.

 

It will do no good to explain. You're decided about the concept because it's black and white to you. Oh the joy of such simplicity. I really wish I could go back to when life was like that for me.

 

But they are still very aware there is no love, and also have to live in two houses, one in which you are very distracted by a new lover. Hmmm....not selfish at all.

 

That could have been worded a little nicer, but it is true nonetheless.

 

While I appreciate you protecting enhance, you might find that its more appropriate to respond to what I say to you.