So my dude has a very annoying coping mechanism. In that he cuts himself off from the entire world, including me and his work. He's a tattooist and when he goes into one of these states he could miss maybe 10 appointments, thats then a week's worth of people he needs to re book, not to mention missing out on money and probably pissing people off... He won't answer phone calls, he won't reply to messages sent online, he won't answer his front door. He will just spend an entire week in bed until he can face the world again.. I've gotten used to it now and it doesnt bother me, I just hate thinking of him all alone and upset. He won't let anyone help. He will come to me maybe a few days after hes better and let me help then but during the worst of it (the complete avoidance stage) he just won't let anyone in. Just today I walked up to his work as I was helping out with something and he wasnt there, I asked his co worker if he was In and he said he had missed every appointment this week, no one could contact him etc, myself included as we last spoke this past Sunday, were going to meet up Monday but he didn't show. I went to his house after but no answer. (we have a very flexible/casual relationship, not really tied down, so I'm used to going weeks without speaking/seeing him other than his avoidance stages). He needs help with coping, but he won't let anyone help and won't listen. I have no idea what's happened to him this week and why he's hiding, I'm sure I'll find out within the next week, but I worry so much. It leaves me and his family/friends constantly worried.. What can I do to help?
Damn.. it really sounds like he's suffering :/ What kind of discussions have you had with him about it so far?
He tends to not talk much about it. Most of the time after its over, he will come over and we will just sit in a kind of blissful silence, he wants to forget it all and says I help but I want to be able to help him out of this vicious cycle. It happens frequently too, maybe once every 6 weeks or so. He has a lot of stress and troubles in his life, past and present, which he is open to me about but I also know that I'm the only person who knows half of it. Much of it had been bottled away for years until we met. He's tols me he doesnt like to talk about it much, there's been nights where hes literally crying in my arms because of everything piling on top of him. It's really sad
That kind of intense isolation isn't coping or a mechanism. The problem is, he isn't coping. Challenge him! Don't recede. Make him figure it out.
Do you think its possible that he goes on a drug binge? Seems obvious, but have you explained to him that it hurts you when he does this? That people worry, and that you love him and want to be yhere through thick and thin?
I should probably add that he is 39. He's been this way for most of his life, I've been with him 'officially' 7 months.. it affects everyone around him too. His co worker has to tell all the pissed off customers that he's not shown up or seen him, and try to keep their business afloat. Then it affects me, although I'm used to it, its still really frustrating and worrying, especially when I can't get through to him at all sometimes for weeks. The longest time was an entire month, didn't go to work, didn't speak to anyone.. its probably been longer before, before I met him..
Fairly possible, he smokes a lot of pot anyway, and he has a past of heavier drugs but since being with him I've not known him to take anything other than smoking weed. I tell him everytime, at the beginning before I truly understood him I would get angry and think he was personally avoiding me, until I soon realised it went way past just me and that he was practically avoiding his entire life.. we had a massive 'heart to heart' about it all back in late July, which is also when he opened up and admitted he was struggling in almost every possible aspect of his life, plus he had his pretty gruesome childhood creeping up on him a lot... So when he goes like this, it isn't just one problem, its tons of stuff all at once almost constantly. He's really in a bad place right now. Ive just managed to get through to him, he said he's tired, that's it! We are supposedly meeting on Monday, he usually talks properly face to face.. I'm not too sure what to say but I need him to realise how unhealthy this habit has become and how much its not only affecting him but affecting the people who love and care about him and severly affecting his business!
It's a tough one, my big brothers a bit like that.. he's 30 odd now, and when shit hits the fan he just disappears for 6 months.. He's incredibly stubborn, which doesn't help.. but the best way I've found is to lovingly take the piss out of him.. try and make him see what he's doing in a funny way so that he can kinda laugh it off. Isn't a miracle cure, and it has back fired once because he took it to heart, but he pulled out cos he knows I don't mean to insult him.. he just likes to feel sorry for himself. It is sad, and quite annoying, but it's just one of those things.. if nobody can get in then, just gotta support him as much as you can to help him get through it. Getting pissed off usually makes it worse, and there's not much else you can do. Alternatively, there is the option of a big ass psychedelic slap upside the head.. for a refreshing perspective?
With all due respect,what makes you want to "stay" with him? Mama,you know as well as I do,that if he wants to change his life up--he'll have to undertake it himself.
Hes the kindest, most good hearted, caring loving person I've ever met. We connected at first sight, he honestly hasnt an intentionally bad bone in his body. He just has lots of troubles that he needs serious help with. I seem to be the only person he opens up enough to, and me and his brother seem to be the only people with an open willingness to help. He's also like best friends with my daughter, they adore eachother. I won't give up on him like everyone else has done in the past. He's formed a safe spot in his mind that he can go when the world seems to hate him, I'm trying to find a way to bring that safe spot out into the real world.. there isnt a bad word i could actually say about him, hes an amazing person and it kills me to think he feels he has to lock himself away when times get rough
I see. Well,I'm sorry he hurts inside. What is happening with him now is not working,I guess. I wish I had a ready answer for you,but of course I don't. Other peoples shoes,you know. He's a lucky man to have you on his side and hopefully he can work through his past and see it for what it is=his past. It's not easy dragging ones past around like a huge weight for so long,but all of us do it to one extent or another. Hang in----------
Yeah.. can relate(besides the presumed physical relationship ) Do what you can, but it's ultimately his decision to get out of that safe haven.. have fun, and all the best
i can totally relate to him... i kind of do the same thing, but to a much lesser extent and for a much shorter duration. i think he could really benefit from talking to a therapist, but i doubt he's going to be open to that, based on what you've told us. so basically, i have no advice, but i hope everything works out. he's lucky to have someone who gives a shit. i'd be a lot worse off if my wife wasn't here to help me when things get shitty, i know that for sure.
It would be difficult, if I were in your position, for me to stay with someone like that. My life has had a lot of tribulations, which I believe has only made me a stronger person, and I would have zero patience for someone who stayed in bed for a week smothering themselves in depression/self pity, because truly, that's what it is. I know this is a simple statement, but the answer is simple: If you don't like something change it, or spend your life in brief or prolonged states of misery. Honestly there isn't much you can actually do, the change has to come from inside himself.
sorry to hear that this is happening you could try doing mda together. I don't have any personal experience with this. I've just heard some good things about it if he wanted to try therapy, it might be good. he might not want to. especially if your relationship is casual, trying to push him toward doing anything could easily backfire
