So crucify me... but I have needs too...

I've been married for 6 years and have a wife who has pretty much ended up self-obsessed.

I earn good money, she doesn't work (I don't care if she works or not) and her core behaviour is focused totally on herself. She gets jealous (in a green envy way) if anyone gets any attention, like:

• Her own mother falls ill and gets attention from those around her,
• Our children have a birthday (btw... I organise the parties - she just attends... and ensures I don't spend too much on the kids)
• Her best friend falls pregnant "and did it just to get attention"
• Her sister posts pics on FB of her holiday
• I get a promotion and huge bonus at work
• ... or anything not focused on her.

She's never happy for anybody and at times will go purposely out of her way to make other people feel bad.

Example (as crazy as this sounds)... We have a live-in full-time nanny to help with our two children because the wife was complaining how much hard work it is and one day she exploded in a rage because the nanny was cooking her an omelette every morning and screamed at me "Doesn't this %$#%ing girl know how to cook anything else?"

She demanded I fire the nanny and kick her out then and there - which I refused to do, but then she was a complete bitch for a week and EVERYONE was uncomfortable until she settled down.

At times I think she's depressed... at times I think she's just a bitch... but basically everything about her existence if focused on herself.

We have two children and there is NO WAY I would break up the marriage because of the impact on them. I too am selfish - I just couldn't be away from them - they mean too much to me...

I am not perfect, far from it - but a few people (my family, her sisters husband, some of our friends, one of the two nannies we've had) have said she is unreasonable in the demands on the marriage and I should demand change.

She can't change... we've talked, she threatens to take the kids... etc...etc...

So... why should you crucify me?

There's no sex... none. I've been patient when she first started saying she was too tired looking after two small children - and then we got the nanny. Then she said she was too tired while studying full-time (She loves studying). She sits up late at night researching her next purchase, activity, fad, overseas trip, or whatever... and is always too tired for anything. (Makes the nanny take the kids out in the morning until 9am so she can sleep in.)

Before marriage I was EXTREMELY sexually active and had more "out there" experiences than I care to remember... and I still have a very high sex drive... and now an opportunity has come along that I feel like I deserve to take.

A girl I work with has been making it obvious she is interested and during one of her coy/cute/seductive moments I turned to her and asked outright, "You want it don't you" and the way she looked up at me and nodded lit a fire that is burning hard.

We've discussed the potential "purely physical" and "never emotional" rules that would have to be in place. She is married but has said something is missing that they can't create between each other... and frankly we feel like a good hard thrashing is what we both want and need.

So... I know the dangers.... I know how immoral it is... I know what the ramifications are if we were caught... but hell, how long should I put up with being treated like an ATM and put my own wishes/desires and needs on hold because the one I've married has changed so dramatically over the past 3 years.

This girl at work is as sexy as hell but not as hot as my wife... and when I look at her I just think "DAMN IT - WHY NOT."

We've kissed. We've had a fiddle. we've not gone further than that and talking about rules... but the time is close where I need to turn it off or let it happen.

So go ahead... crucify me.

 

i can't crucify you FiFo... you're an adult... it's not like you haven't tried to talk to your wife... and, like you said, you know the dangers... but i do think you should tell your wife that you are considering this... and why... it would certainly generate more talking...

just my opinion... good luck

 

Oh My God, SO true!!!

I've tried and failed at it.

The heart wants what it wants.

You are being starved for more than just sex.

Do some research on things like Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissism regarding your wife. Maybe some counseling would help.

I agree with LilyAlly - Don't have an affair if you value the marriage and want to stay in the home with your kids. It can turn out so nasty for you and the kids.

 

I kind of feel like if you separated from your wife, she wouldn't take the kids. She seems way too selfish to be okay with taking care of them by herself and not having you pay her way all the time. Maybe she'll be shocked into realizing she needs to change her ways.

There had to be a reason that you two got married. If it was for love, then it can probably be fixed. Try therapy maybe. Tell her how much she's hurting you.

 

Sounds like she's beyond being talked too. I dunno what to say Fi. Your in a tough spot. Only thing is if you go through with it and she finds out thats fuel for her in a divorce court.

 

This guy is in the nightmare situation.

The kinda of situation where you hear on the news about one spouse who lost it and massacred their family.

This is like one or two tiers below escalating it to that level, if it gets any nastier.

I'd say men need to take a leaf out how women leave men, and just up and leave with the kids. File legal divorce and get out for your own safety.

This will only work if you have sufficient proof of a clear and present danger to the kids. Also clear your internet history and your cache so she won't find out you go to this site for advice.

Be safe and keep your kids safe.

 

To do that for spite is terrible...I can't believe anyone would do that.

 

talk to a lawyer about what you would sort of back up you would need to get a good divorce settlement and custody.

I would say try relationship therapy, but sounds like she is a perma-bitch

 

I think your wife sounds like a lost cause, and whether you end up divorcing her or not, you owe it to yourself to take advantage of this rare opportunity for happiness in what sounds like an otherwise hellish lifestyle.

 

You are in this life once ditch the wife and have clear karma ... feel free to explore .... she knows she has you by the balls, un hook her grip ...

 

I couldn`t care less about your baby mama drama, and here`s why:

It doesn`t make it any less cheating if she`s 'changed' into a bitch. It just so happened that you chose to sexually commit to and have children with a bitch out of your own initiative.

Of course your wife doesn`t deserve anything better than being cheated on, but neither do you deserve anything better than a bitch for a wife until you have the balls to get a divorce and stop placing the responsibility for a dysfunctional marriage on the kids.

In your mind at night, you put yourself up on the cross and self-righteously imagine yourself a martyr and tell yourself "you`re doing it for the kidzz."

How do you suppose your kids are benefiting from your marriage? How stupid do you take them to be that they would not know that mommy and daddy don`t love each other?

You`re just as selfish as your wife.

 

It's a shame that courts usually favor the mother.

I don't really have any advice to offer. Some people successfully carry out long affairs during unhappy marriages. Some get caught and their wives get custody and alimony. Weigh your options and consequences carefully.

I would recommend contacting a lawyer. Courts generally favor the mother but if you could prove with a good lawyer that she is an incompetent mother you may have hope.

I've known far too many people who do this, sadly.

 

I'm with Cherea.

Cheating is cheating. Hold onto your dick for a little longer and get a divorce. Or you're absolutely on the same level as her for selfish.

And 'I'm staying for the kids' may seem like the right thing to do but trust me when I say I've met so many people that were fucked up by living in a no-love household. What are you teaching your kids by staying in a situation like that...and then what happens if you slip up and they find out you're a cheater.

Mom may be mega-bitch but if you get caught, every ball in play will now be in her court.

 

I'm also with Cherea on this one.

Keeping a marriage together when there's abuse to this level, does NOT help the children at all.

Children ONLY benefit in a HEALTHY marriage; and sir you have an unhealthy one and so they are actually harmed and more likely to also fail in their own relationships because they used your dysfunctional one as the base model for their own as teens/young adults.

 

Document everything as much as you can, record shit, keep journals, get other people who will back you up as witnesses, and maybe let her know you're doing it. When the whole world will see what she does, it might make her change what she does.

And then you take the kids.

It sounds like she's wildly out of control and has some sort of mental issues..... if things are as you present them, you could get the kids, if you document it all carefully and for a reasonably long period of time, and have people who will testify for you.

And yeah, only healthy marriages should be preserved for the kids. If it's super-abusive/insane, they should NOT be in that situation, and you should do your best to get them OUT of that situation.

Also, cheating reduces your footing substantially in divorce, and maybe custody, proceedings.

 

^^ This is why the notion of marriage terrifies me, because I know that at least half of the marriages I've ever witnessed resemble this. Do you see how money, materialism and affluencey (and the irrational desire for these) have made it impossible for any kind of meaningful/healthy relationship? This man's wife stopped developing emotionally when she was sixteen. This man has focused his entire life on doing what his society expected of him, he has molded himself into the precise image of success that functions as a religion in this society and he finds himself deplorable, subservient and powerless. This isn't about sex, it's about freedom and power. This man wants to cheat on his wife (who is likely cheating on him, or has likely considered it) because he wants to revolt against the oppression of his wife, marriage and ultimately the position he has undoubtedly worked (or been duped into working) his entire life to achieve!

His wife is trying to fill the void of meaningless in her life with "stuff", because she has no fucking idea how to fulfill herself, because she's defined her life according to daytime t.v., magazines, film and fairytales - she has no idea who she is, because in all likelihood she never had, or even considered the possibility of persuing, an opportunity to find out who, in fact, she is. My god there are literally millions of them - it's a sickness and it's epidemic.

So he comes here, seeking to justify his desire to cheat on his wife, as if this arrangement in anyway resembles a "marriage" to begin with. This whole thing reads like the plot line to American Beauty. To the poster, I have to ask, do you think this fling is going to solve or even alleviate for a tiny little while the way you feel? Are you wanting to get laid, or put the final nail in the coffin of your marriage? Do you think you're doing your children a favor by exposing them to this constant tension? Do you think your children are oblivious to it? Do you think it's not a source of anxiety for them?

You will get caught if you cheat - it's inevitable, and you will be cast in the role as the villain by your wife in the minds of your children, and you can look forward to spending the rest of your life trying to convince them otherwise, but you won't have a leg to stand on. There is a long term view to this, and you need to take a good look at it, because I've this scenario play out from all angles more times than I care to think about. Fix this now, make no compromises and if it means separation or divorce, then so be it. You're not going to be doing your children any favors by being miserable, let me assure you, because I've been that child. Rise above this, for your children's sake and make it clear to your wife that you are not going to tolerate this sham of a marriage any longer. She needs to be faced with prospect of you no longer being there in a very real way, and if that doesn't snap her out of it, then your marriage is unsalvageable. My advice, don't mince words, don't speak, write a letter, sleep on it, revise and then hand it to her. She needs to see herself through your eyes, but you damn well better be prepared for her to reciprocate and when she does, pay attention. You might very well learn something that will save your marriage, your life, and ultimately make you both, better parents and people.

 

You're the one with the job, you'll get the kids. Seriously, stop that relationship before it ruins your life further. Don't cheat on your wive, divorce her. Trust me, do this NOW. Don't worry about the kids, I know from experience that living around parents who are basically divorced emotionally is MUCH FUCKING WORSE than living with parents that are already divorced.

Also, this one sounds like she will never change. My grandmother is that way, and trust me, you don't want to end up like my grandfather.