How do I tell my bf that I'm dissatisfied?

Okay, so sorry this is long but I really just need to VENT.

I feel like I've almost completely lost my sex drive. I'm 22 years old (he's 30), and before we got together/during the early part of our relationship, I enjoyed the sex and we had it daily if not multiple times a day. I even came purely from penetration on at least two occasions. I came countless times through clit stimulation. Now we only have sex once or twice a week, sometimes less, and I almost NEVER get off. We've been together for 2 and a half years, and it seems like the longer we stay together the worse it gets!

I think part of it was the fact that things became routine. He'd always finger me to start. This usually brought me to a climax, but lately it hasn't. Then we'd have sex, usually with me on top because that's his favorite position. I told him that I want to experiment with different things, but he doesn't seem interested. I'll talk about it and he'll say "well what do you want to do" in this disgruntled voice, and I'll instantly feel embarrassed/unwilling to open up. Once I even asked if he wanted to take an online survey that helps us find out about each-others inner kinks (it also recommends sex toys we both might like), and he just brushed it off as "stupid". This hurts me a lot because it's like he doesn't even care. He just takes it as me thinking he's bad in bed, simply because I want to try new things!

I want to tell him what I'm into, but I don't see the point if he's not getting off on it/weirded out/too worried about whether or not I'm getting off to enjoy himself. (I'm more of a sub and he's, well... not really anything). This has been another problem as well - he used to expect me to climax all the time from penetration alone, which is ridiculous! After repeating myself multiple times, I finally got it in his head that the majority of the time women need clitoral stimulation to climax. I think he still in part feels like he should be able to do this though. I can't help but wonder if porn has given him this unrealistic expectation, or perhaps previous girlfriend(s) who used to fake it??

After some time I began to notice that the sex didn't last as long anymore. Now he ejaculates prematurely about 80% of the time, usually within the first 10-20 seconds. I really don't know how it got to this point. I can tell he's embarrassed, so I try to be nice about it and laugh it off. He usually blames it on how "tight" I am or the fact that we hadn't had sex in a few days. Or sometimes he says he was just super turned on. And I just accept this because he already seems ashamed and I'm worried about making him feel worse. But deep down, I feel disappointed. Now I don't even think about sex anymore. I almost never get excited about it. It just really bums me out. It's all a big mess and I don't even know where to begin! He's very touchy when it comes to this, so I always have to be careful with my words.

I know I need to communicate more, but where should I start? Should we see a sex therapist?

 

My suggestion is you knock 'sex' on the head for a bit - and focus on the art of making love... massage, baths, fooling about in other ways...

He will just have to contain himself, and help you to find that excitement again or the relationship is going to come to a dead end....

Look into tantra, get the karma sutra out. If he isnt willing maybe it is time to be friends and call it a day. Depends on how important things are to you, friendship or sexual pleasure, in this world it would be awesome to have both from a lover.
Good luck
:love:

 

Agree with above poster, it sounds like you need to bring a lot of romance back into things. Go way slower. Start with way more foreplay. It starts when you wake up. Have meaningful flirty days together. Anticipation.

 

Open comminaction is the most importent thing to keep the sex life strong! If you guys are secure with each other this should be an easy thing to do. Just because you tell each other what you want or need to keeps things exciting doesn't mean you dont enjoy each other. If he is having a problem lasting long then maybe he needs to spend more time giving you oral sastisfaction. Fingers are great and all, but a mouth can get you a lot further! If he doesn't enjoy giving oral I don't know what to say other then that sucks. My lady and I can spend over an hour just pleasuring each other with oral before we even get to intercoarse and by the time we do it is just hot and passionate.

 

Yeah it sounds like communication is key here.

1. He needs to be less sensitive about talking to you about these things. Experimenting is fun, and there's a certain level of trust that has to exist for both parties to feel secure "experimenting".

2. I suggest possibly trying to be a bit more dominant yourself, that change in itself might change the "routine" you've found yourself in with him.

3. But yeah get counseling, or at least both of you need to have a 1 on 1 talk and be patient with each other.

4. The 4th option is to leave...but this is last resort imho. Deep down I think both of you still care your just having a hiccup.

 

I definately think you need to be more comfortable talking about sex with your bf. Also, I bolded a small part of your OP. If you are bored, then take some initiative and YOU take the lead once every now and then. I know many women expect the man to be the man and take the lead, but it is sooooooo hot when the woman occasionally takes the lead.

I had a relationship with a woman who had a vwry high libido. But she never even communicated to me what she wanted or how she liked it. She was extrememly bad at being comfortable talking about what SHE needed to finish. At the very end of the relationship (11 months), we had a text conversation that got really sexual. she admitted she was much kinkier than we had explored, and the next time we had sex, things would be very different. She was scared to bring it up earlier because she was afriad I was be weirded out or something.
The honest truth is, it REALLY hurt me that she was afraid to communicate with me about sex. And sadly, we never did actually have sex again. The relationship ended before we ever did it again.
Like I said, I know woman REALLY like and expext the man to take the lead in the vedroom. But if you are not being satisfied, you need to start vicalisingwhat it is you want, and take the lead every once and a while.
It really hurt me knowing my exgf was not being honest with me and she was holding back, because as she put it, she thought I was "tamer".

Talk about slamming a guys ego, especially right before the end of a relationship.
Communication is key, and YOU need to get comfortable talking about what you need/want. Just be suttle. One way to do it, would be to the affect of "I really like it when you (fill in the blank here).
Sometimes it is difficult to talk about this stuff, but it is a skill, just like the act itself.

 

Start by sexing with me, he'll get the point.



(TLDR)

 

Speaking as a man, men are incredibly dense about this sort of thing. Try making a large sign saying I AM NOT SATISFIED in 6 inch letters, and hit him in the head with a baseball bat until he reads it.

 

Yeah, it just sounds like you need to communicate your concerns to him but at the same don't put too much pressure on yourself or him to "fix" it or it will only get worse. Just try to slow things down and find new ways to get BOTH of you into the moment again. It's never too late to rekindle like its your first time all over again. Best of luck to you both.

 

Honestly I'm in a new relationship and have nipped this one in the bud. You are in a rut. Take some workshops in Tantric sex. I've done a few of them and it has made a dramatic difference on my current relationship.

Stay Brown,
Rev J

 

It seems a little concerning that you have been together for 2 1/2 years and you don't feel comfortable telling him what you are into. This seems really one-sided to me.

 

That's a good point. I was just basing my answer on my own relationship, because I am finally lucky enough to have a partner who I can be really open with and am comfortable being so open with. In reality, i should be a bit more open minded with my answers. thank you for pointing that out.

 

Not talking to someone you love about your personal feelings because your afraid they'll get weird out just seems stupid to me. Tell him how you really feel, he SHOULD do his best to find a common ground that satisfies you and him. If he doesn't have an open mind he isn't worth spending your young life with.

 

I am able to understand how bad you feel and you really love him and so you feel not to hurt him. Just gently speak to him in an romantic afternoon or evening on this and am sure he would understand this and 30 years doesn't matter and he is still a man and he can have sex with you as he had some time back. But you guys need to spice it up and try different methods to start a new sexy relationship. Goodluck

 

It's difficult to discuss what you want to try, not least because you are afraid of shocking your partner. Why not try a selection of toys and maybe watch a DVD or something online rather than going for intercourse. When the mood is right and the hormones are on overdrive its easier to say what you really want and less likely to shock.

The age difference probably makes him uncomfortable talking about sex maybe you should take the lead and tell him exactly what you want. Even if it does come as a shock, he is probably more open minded than you think. If he wants the relationship to work then I am sure he will at least try what you request. There's no garantee he will do it again but you would have overcome the first hurdle. Sooner or later you will find something that does it for both of you.

 

Three Months Later And The Original

Poster Has Not Made So Much As A Second Post, Methinks, Another

Day, Another Troll...:troll:.

Whilst I Am Fully Aware This Is The Internet And These Things Happen,

Sometimes I Wonder What Somebody Gained By Going To All The Trouble

Of Joining This Site, Making One Long Post, And Then Just Pissing Off....



Cheers Glen.

 

bf found computer, and post in history.. and bashed her for bringing his sex life to the internet. and the douchebag cycle continues..

 

I think that you should just try out new things without asking his permission. Maybe it could end good or bad.. you never know until you follow through with it. I mean, maybe he is looking for you to step up and put some spice into it and because he is so reserved he just doesn't know how to talk about it. I'd try to be more dominate. It worked for me and my boyfriend. He actually thought it was sexy. I wouldn't take it as far as controlling him, but I would ask him to try more stuff, whilst in the heat of the moment. That way he will be more hesitant to reject you and shut down, and hopefully he will adventure out into new stuff. Maybe try new things that you and him haven't even talked about doing before, but make sure you think things through thoroughly before hand. I'm sure that you know him very well and can distinguish what will turn him on or off. Just my opinion. Good luck though.

 

Hmmmm.... Elemntary my dear Watson.. They posted, and were looking for a place to vent and wrote said post while they were under the influence, and the next day were both ashamed of, and could not remember where they posted this... The post they put on youtube was the most prevalent and lead to a good ass whoopin, a dumping, or an amazing sex fest which finally did leave the OP satisfied....

:afro: