Labeling yourself

So I tried to look through the prior posts for this and came up blank. I am a lesbian newly dating a MTF. I did not know she was per-op. ( actually no surgeries yet) Anyway, I dislike that she identifies as Transexual, and am uncomfortable with her other friends, some of who are also transexual. So easily putting the term out there on social media, at events, etc. To me she is just a girl who likes girls. I am encouraging her to not worry so much about the technicalities. I don't think she needs to tell people. In fact she is always surprised when friends don't or didn't know. As she intends on fully transitioning, I think now is as good a time as any to just embrace that she really is a girl. BTW my brain is so convinced she is just a beautiful woman that I continue to be surprised even after weeks of being intimate that those parts are there. At first I found it to just be a bit inconvenient. But after chatting with some friends I think we have worked out a happy medium. I am the first person she has been with where she was not physically a man in bed. I think this plays into her comfort with being a transexual. But ultimately as she will have SRS, I just think she needs to let go of being in the middle.

 

Are you asking a question, or what, here?

 

Yes. I'm asking for someone to tell me if its unreasonable for me to tell her friends not to label her. I liken it to someone referring to me as My lesbian friend ... Why should that be a proud label?

 

Yes it's unreasonable. That's your gal's place to make that decision, not yours, because it's her identity and they're her friends. If she's cool with the label, it's not your business, whether or not you're her girlfriend or not.

 

I agree with this wholeheartedly.

 

Like most things, this isn't really a black & white issue. Some people see trans-men completely as men (and vice versa for trans-women), and some people do not. Not everyone who is in a relationship with a transperson sees that as challenging their own sexuality, but some people would. Which is why it can be more difficult for trans people to find relationships compared with non-trans people. Particularly heterosexual identified trans-women.

As for the OP, again, it's not a cut and dried issue. Some people are happy to label themselves as transsexual, whilst others reject that as a label for themselves. I can see where the OP is coming from, as I find it hard to understand why someone who sees themselves completely as a woman would purposely wish to other themselves from other women, by adding an external sub-label to their gender. On the other hand, every person has the right to label themselves as they see fit.

I think people who transition early in life are far more likely to reject trans sub-labels for themselves, than those who have lived as their assigned-at-birth gender until adulthood and beyond. The OP said that she believes her partner is comfortable in self-labelling as transsexual because of being a male in their previous relationships. Which does make some sense.

 

Well, that is true. I have seen some lesbian indentified trans-women stating that others have questioned their need to transition if they are attracted to women. People generally believe that all transsexual women are attracted to men. Which is certainly far from the actuality. But as you say, this is because a lot of people still think that gender identity issues are intertwined with sexuality issues, when they are two completely seperate issues.

I completely agree with the "boxes" statement. People love putting others in boxes, especially to seperate them from themselves. There's nothing really wrong with labelling yourself though.

 

You people are getting me all confused with your trans this, and trans that...ENOUGH with the labels!!! Be who you are and be who you want to be...forget about labels and just LIVE!!!

 

Just a quick update. I had a nice conversation all about this with her. She agrees that sometimes it seems inappropriate for others to point out that she is transitioning, especially since she is very shy, and normally doesn't discuss it. She is rather surprised that some close friends don't know. So as someone new to her circle of people I am protective of her feelings and want her to know that all of her hard work has been successful. As for myself, I am certainly not embarrassed nor upset by the fact that she is in transition. I am attracted to her as a lesbian. true. But I completely enjoy her company as a woman. I recognize that she had a different past, just as she recognizes that I was not always the person I am now.
I once asked her if she had been to many gay bars and she said "no" her reason being that she was far more concerned about what the women (lesbians) there would think of her. Fear is a common thing in gay bars. We recently went to my rather small town gay bar and I had a chance to introduce her to many of my friends, only one of which had any questions about her possibly being transexual. Once I pointed out that lots of young people test out their gender in the gay bar I think, and she agreed that she wished she had ventured to the gay bars sooner. Because there she could have found some other support and certainly not as much judgement as she feared. In our few months of dating I have become quite proud of her determination and we find more common ground in her story and mine of comming out all of the time. I am scared for the surgeries she has ahead, but I am determined to educate myself and be there for her no matter how our relationship pans out. Support is something all people need. Thank you all for your opinions and input. You each gave me more to think about.

 

I'm glad that things are working out for the two of you. It sounds like a lasting relationship. I fully agree that it is not necessary for us to label ourselves and that support is something all people need. And that if I look like a woman and feel like a woman, then I am a woman and any further disclosure is not necessary.