Betrothal and arranged marriages the modernization?

What is everyone's thoughts on arranged marriages?

Western society tends to frown on it but from a factual point of view is it really that bad if we kinda took that idea and modernized it? (This would make for a really good reality TV show concept)

By modernization I mean, background checks so nobody is stuck with someone dangerous or abusive and the individuals can break it off if they decide its not working out.

 

Hey, I'm new so this is only my second post. I personally think that arranged marriages can work in some situations. When the marriage is forced it may work out but only because one or both parties has no choice. However there are cases where both sides are perfectly willing to have an arranged marriage.

When I was in college I did a project on arranged marriage among Indians. I intereviewed three couples. The first couple were in their 60's and did not meet before their wedding day, the second couple had been sorta friendly before their parents chose them for each other. The third couple were in their 20's and their family put together pictures and information for potential mates, those made their selection and chose each other. All three of the couples were in love and happy. The first couple, the two who had never even met...were crazy in love!!! It was so cute.

Now, they also had horror stories of the marriages that did not work out. Divorce is highly frowened upon so many couples continue living together but are miserable. In other cases they divorce and their families are unhappy, leaving the couple also unhappy and alone.

So...it just depends.

 

I asked this question because it segways into my next one which is:

If arranged marriages work out, what does that tell or say about the whole falling in love on your own by your own choice really worth?

And is the underlying attraction that fuels marriage, arranged or not, something you can create scientifically under the right control of hormonal and social circumstances?

 

I would never have considered arranged marriages per se, but now having watched my kids grow up - still teenagers - I start to believe that parents have the best understanding of their children, emotions, positives and negatives and so may well have then best understanding of the sort of partner for them.

But as a teenager myself I wouold never have agreed...............

Simon :sunny:

 

They are a horrible idea.
Consider why It was done in say the UK pre the 20th century.
Was it about finding true love? I'd say in most cases NO.
Why do certain faiths do it? Is it about finding true love? I'd say in most cases NO.
Why did it die out in the UK?
I'd say because women wanted more control over their lives.
Equality started to occur.
Connecting families through marriage/Only allowing your children the option to marry within your faith - is a horrible idea.
I do know that people who go through it will say they want to.
They will say it is traditional.
I'd ask them to wonder why the tradition started.
Imho, it's a horribly controlling enterprise that everybody should be free to leave.


Just sayin'

 

seems like a bad idea, but non-arranged marriages don't exactly have a great track record either.

 

^agreed which is why the title of this tread is taking that same concept but modernizing it with some of the more "human rights and civil rights" concepts that have come about AFTER the pre-20th century.

And obviously if you combine the property rights both men and women have now, it separates a lot of the main reasons for arranged marriage that happened pre-20th century. The focus this time around, may actually be the betrothed people involved, rather than financial reasons.

I am certainly no fan of the caste, feudal, or royal monarchy/dictatorship system of a society.

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So given that context of rebooting the whole idea of arranged marriages, do you think we've filtered out some of the negatives of why we look down upon the system in the first place?

 

Say if through free will a son or daughter asked their family to help them find a man/woman through? Pretty much like a family dating service.
It pretty much makes the whole idea of redundant, doesn't it?

 

No I don't think so. The dynamics still feel different ad opposed to where most people are completely going solo in the dating arena.

And the woman's property wouldn't necessarily be tied to the guy.

It just seems like a new twist on an old concept or idea after fixing some flaws.

 

What are E-Harmony and other dating sites except a modernization of an arranged marriage?

"Modernization" should reflect not only changed technology, but also changed social attitudes. Less expectation of living where you grew up, an increased distance between parent and child. Less connection to physical neighbors,...

 

What an insightful and realistic post. Rep.

 

It would certainly take the stress out of dating. Also a lot of people end up with partners that are bad for them, and everyone else seems to know it but them.

 

im comming in here late on this thread . i found it enlightening to understand the western concept of romance,aka."cortly love".
the history of cortly love is well documented and is critical to understanding the western concept of love and romance.
links..i really like jung
http://web.eecs.utk.edu/~mclennan/Classes/US310/Interp-Court-Love.html

personally i know of a number of relationships based on financial needs both long and short term so in a sense they are arranged by a third party..the money.

now that leaves me stranded in western pre modernity,thats so different from say post modern middle east.

i would be interested to know the history of "romance" in developing countries as i live in one myself.
i wonder if its a spinoff of Victorian colonialism. now that poses some real interesting scenarios and cultural observation.

cheers

 

I think one's chances of finding a suitable mate on their own depend on lifestyle choices and personality traits, so your likelyhood of doing well may be lower over-all, but higher if you're doing some things certain ways.

Arranged marriages are pretty much luck of the draw, might really suck but nothing you do can make that more likely, so overall I think it's probably more likely to be actually "happy" or at least functional than a "love" based marriage. But because of how it happens, you're less likely to realize it's full potential either way.

So even if it seems to do WORSE, I'll side with free will......

 

OK fair enough.

My counter is that its close but its something that should be incorporated into the process. Because it's still not one-on-one face to face meeting, which is important for body language communication.

And for those concerned about how ____ will fit in with the extended family well that can only be proven by experience not a website.

Hence why fake profiles fool or waste time for lots of people.
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In a way I think western society does it's own version of "arrangement" and we call it "setting up a friend with someone".

It doesn't always work but my gut tells me if a very good long term friend of yours set you up with someone, it probably had a higher chance of working than a random bar pickup vetted by a few minutes in an isolated environment.

 

Even then its biased because in western culture can be extremely superficial and we decide who we are in love with based on an emotional state rather than attempted objectivity.

 

monkjr, if somebody is looking to meet another person, and the family are one factor amongst many, then I think that's ok.
As long as they are happy to let the person have a say, and accept any decision they may make (It doesn't matter about race/religion or sexual orientation).
Imho, most families that are not religious allow their offspring free choices.
Could you imagine many religious parents picking a person of the same sex - for e.g - for their child?
Yes, they (non religious parents) may say to them:" ____ looks like they are interested/right for you," but that's as far as it goes.
That's not really an 'arranged marriage'. It's an introduction.
The idea that a person is looking to be married is a whole other situation, imho.
If we are modernising this - then it does just boil down to indirect help looking for somebody that the person might have missed.
If the person is also looking for themselves, and not reliant on friends and family - then It's just the way it is for most people.

Like you say (and I agree):

"setting up a friend with someone".

"It doesn't always work but my gut tells me if a very good long term friend of yours set you up with someone, it probably had a higher chance of working than a random bar pickup vetted by a few minutes in an isolated environment."

With that there isn't any pressure or heightened expectations.
It either works or it doesn't.
Which I feel isn't always the case with the idea of 'arranged marriages' (the clue is in the title).


Is there any particular reason you wish to keep the idea of arranged marriages alive?

 

my mother wanted me to marry this guy. she was actually methodist..oh she loved this guy martin....i liked him he was a freind and a good one but oh mum was on and on about him to the point of pressure.
she would have arranged the marrage if she could have.
western romance is like shopping. its like you have the display window....the shop the back of the shop than the store room..seems we work our way back till we hit the store room than we take an inventory.
often not the way it looked in the shop window.
after a terrible relationship history all based on initial infatuation than a steady downward decent into hell.....i prefer to be alone anyway..who says you need a partner anyway.
who made up that rule.
but very good long term friend of yours set you up with someone, it probably had a higher chance of working...yeah i think so..if the friend takes into account a all round compatibility assessment. sounds like it could work.
i liked the aspect of technology in the equasion. i met my last lover/friend on line ...the relationship lasted a long time.
the fact that digital tecnology was critical in the relationship is interesting. we would also use cell phones allot.
i found a couple of interesting pages on the topic
http://andeverydaylife.wordpress.com/2010/02/14/romance-and-technology-in-the-digital-age/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/20/relationships-technology-texting-romance_n_1219841.html

in developing countries "king" is the text message..more so than computers..like everyones constantly texing instead of picking up email than theres the smart phone..well thats a lil windows ay ...etc

Is there any particular reason you wish to keep the idea of arranged marriages alive?

yeah i was interested .given my myserable track record...i wonder if my mom was right..lol

cheers ink8290

 

hay while we are on the ToPic.....
i find there is a preassure in society put upon the person how has had and lost numbers of relationships compaired to the person who has maintained a "functional" relationship for a long time.
like a successful marrage is real "social currency" where as your seen as a liability if you have had say umm...15 tries.
i say this is shit as ..tries at what?....stability?
some of the greatest people have had stormey relationship historys.
so whats this stuff about if you have a "stable" "functional" relationship your better than one who has arguably fearlessly experimented and had the courage mess up? who says the voting usa public see these pollitical guys with"stable" marrages(manditory for a pollitician)as a better bet than someone who has been round the block and back?
i would rather see Bukowskis face than Romneys mega yang jaw flappin ,topic open enlighten me.

 

No real reason I just thought it was a good topic to talk about.

I'll let inkgal shift this thread to her topic now.

@inkgal, yeah I've noticed that too and there's a gender divide, its different for single males than single females.

And I assume the general problem is caused by society feeling like they can't relate to the singles. Face it, when your in a relationship the dynamics shift and to how single people would approach a problem.

But no there is nothing wrong with being single.

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For politicians I think voters go for candidates who are married because voters feel that by being married they could have an easier time understanding problems that affect them from a policy point of view.