How should I handle my boyfriends lack of enthusiasm?

He still lives at home, that´s no big deal for me. I still live at home too, most of our friends actually do. It´s a bitch getting a job, and finding affordable apartments is even harder.

(We live in Sweden, in a town mostly known for it´s University. So there are a lot of foreign students living here to, hence lack of apartments.)

That´s not what this is about. Just giving you the entire situation.
Anyway, he´s had a couple of jobs before, at a café, at a warehouse. We met in january; and I think he´s been unemployed for almost a year now.

I sometimes ask him what his plans are. He´s been talking about piercing and tattoo-studios. But I mean, it´s really hard finding anything like that. And if he´d been really eager about it he could be calling every piercing- and tattoo studio around. Just something.

No he doesn't even go to the meetings set up from his job counselor (from the Swedish Public Employment Service). He says it´s a waist of time because he won't be getting a job anyway. The thing is he could easily find a work as a cleaner or telephone salesman, it´s hard finding anything else but that´s still an option. But he won't do that kind of work.

My thoughts are, that sooner or later he will be taking the consequences. He lives at home, his parents WILL sooner or later take some action. At least now that the summer is over and school starts for his siblings.

I´ve kind of been asking a couple of times what he will be doing this fall. I myself will study and have classes every day of the week. Most of his friends have some kind of job, or go to school. So I guess, there is the point where he will probably feel bad or ashamed, because everyone else is busy with at least something.

Then there´s the thing with pot. He doesn't smoke everyday, but a lot. He almost never has pot of his own, his friends always share, and of course he smokes a lot of mine, I don't mind but yeah, that´s the way it is.

Now, I really don't know If I should talk more to him about all of this. Like, maybe hint that I don't like that he´s "slacking". But I don't want to become the nagging girlfriend either. I already feel like a douchebag whenever I talk about that I´m going back to school soon and I´ll be busy a lot.

What should I do?
Should I get more serious, and tell him what I think, or leave it be?

 

dont leave it be.....leave the loser boyfriend

 

But I really care about him.

 

Tell him what your telling us. Don't beat around the bush just say that he is being lazy and seriously needs to find a job or move forward with his life or he is gonna be 40 and still living at his parents house.

 

i'm sure you do....so?

what does that have to do with living life with an uninspired lazy loser?

what do you tell your friends?...been a year you say?...by now they are openly talking about it when you are not there.....soon the invitations to dinner etc will cease and after that it will be you family barring him from christmas dinner

what if tomorrow you miss your period....you think this dude will step up when he cant even take care of himself?


if you are one of those ''undateables'' and had no choice because this was the only dude that would look at your horrible naked body?

then ya...stay

otherwise you should leave

 

:banghead:

 

First of all, how old is your boyfriend? If you really care for him, the best thing you can do is try to keep inspiring him through your own spectacularly profitable, active and ambitious life. Eventually, you'll want to move out right? Start talking about that, but make sure you mention that anyone who lives with you is going to damn well pay their own share of the rent.

Listen, I have (had) a very dear friend who is a straight up gigolo. He hit pay dirt by getting this insecure rich girl to fall in love with him and their parents (for some mysterious reason that confounds me to this day) LOVE HIM. They take him on trips all over the world with them. The guy tends bar maybe 8 hours a week to keep up appearances, and the rest of the time he goes to school, He's 38 years old. He's been doing this since he graduated high school. (Don't be this guys meal ticket.)

About a year ago he sends me this email essentially saying that he and his girlfriend are not getting along and asking me if I'd let him crash at my house for a while. I said yep, but you're gonna help me pay for utilities and rent. "Oh yeah, man, I'm not looking for a free ride". So I clear out a room for him and he moves his shit in and a month goes by and I tell him I want rent money and low behold the next night he gets hammered, wrecks his bicycle, dislocates his shoulder and moves back in with his girlfriend, and guess who never got paid any rent? And guess who's still a gigolo, bragging about his 300 hours of university credits with no degree and no job? Guess who thinks he's a liberated man, bucking the system, and basking in his independence? (And guess who's not my dear friend anymore?)

Predators exist because nice people like you enable them.

 

You can't make people change... I'm struggling with a situation that's similar but different... My bf cares a lot about work and school and money, but I can't seem to get him to care about his health...he is a bit of a picky eater, won't eat most of what I eat, so the only way to ensure he eats healthy is to cook what he wants all day...I'm a bit too busy to do that, but if I don't, he just eats crap and then I suffer the consequences when he is too low on energy for sex or is lashing out...I know it's due to a poor diet bc I used to eat poorly and it affected my mood/sex drive greatly.

But my point is, you can't change someone. When I tell him the facts about health, he shrugs it off... and it's a touchy subject if I talk about the fact that he's always tired...especially since there's a chance he might start in on me... but I'm same boat as you, I really care about him, I'm not going to break up with him...

I think that's the best thing you can do for him. Keep being his support system, keep being a positive role model, don't waste your time lecturing him, just let him spend his days alone at his parents' house until it occurs to him that this isn't how he wants to spend his life, as a slacker living at home, and that thought will be what motivates him to get up and make a change... So keep supporting him, let him know you aren't angry about his slacking but that you know he's capable of so many great things so when you see him waste his time it frustrates you. Always stay encouraging, don't be mean to him as it's probably something he already feels bad about, even if he doesn't express those feelings to you. Best of luck as your relationship progresses, remember you're both young and there's plenty of room to grow!! Stay positive my friend