Could you forgive your lover for cheating?

lodog and malia!

Are you guys serious?

When I said I forgave...I didn't mean to say that was a good thing or that it worked out. I did forgive and it helped me. I would say don't forgive to make the other person happy, you've been done wrong you do what makes you happy.

I would have a hard time forgiving for multiple cheats especially if it was hidden over a long period of time.

When I forgave what I didn't know is that with all the negotiating and talking we did over the course of my finding out and trying to deal with it...when it all settled he was just pretending(as grassphan's story) and was actually quite bitter about me...who had just had a baby. He had not forgiven me for suggesting he was wrong or calling what he did cheating.

He went on to ignore me after I forgave him and completely out of the blue I went out one night, after being ignored for 2 months and I cheated with a friend, it just happened. That is when the shit really hit the fan because he never forgave me for that, even when he said he did, although he found out about it the exact same night it happened and I had to wait 2 weeks to find out what he did.

Although I was immediately apologetic and admitting my responsibility. When it was on his side he was pushing the blame off on me and calling on his innocence.

I was stupid and I had a lot of time in that relationship, but after this incident I learned a lot about who I was really with and eventually I did leave. The wounds from the cheating never healed and although I forgave him, the hypocrisy that was thrown back on me is what helped me to realize how selfish and uncaring he really was.

 

What I mean is that I can forgive someone long after breaking up...when we aren't talking anymore. I forgave my ex for cheating. He forgave me...we didn't talk for 2 years after the break-up, since there was an "altercation" between us when we broke up. But during that time of not talking, I forgave him. I got over it. I moved on.

But to resolve my madness within myself, I forgave him when the time came to do it. Whether or not he forgave me, I didn't care.

I have done a lot of bad things to people in my life and I've burned a lot of bridges, but I've reached the point now where I have the few people I need and the close family members that I enjoy and that's enough for me. I don't regret anything I did to anyone...it was all a learning curve. And it helped me learn how people are and can be. I didn't just fuck ANYONE over...they had to give me a good reason. My revenge was always better than the pain I was feeling.

I've been fucked over royally by lots of guys in my life. My last ex was a total psycho freak. He would get jealous when I'd hang out with my father...who was dying of cancer. He didn't cheat on me, but he lied to me constantly. Off went the care switch and I dumped him over the phone when my father got real bad. Within the next month, my now-husband was living with me.

 

I can see that perhaps I could too ^

 

Absolutely not. I take Monopoly very seriously.

 

Cheating, yes; prolonged conscious betrayal, no.

 

You can only do the best you can with your situation. everyone an every situation is different.
i was cheated on multiple times. I forgave, we worked through it and are still happy years later.

 

Nope, plain & simple on that one!

 

Thank you for all the responses... Last year and the year before our money situation was going up and down and I was also battling a fight with opiates. I know these things directly effected the situation. He tells me that it was for money and that he was desperate but I have a hard time believing it. Either way tho, it certainly doesn't make it better. I love him I really really do, but I still don't know what to do. I do know the best thing for me to do in the meanwhile is to continue working and saving my money so if I do decide to leave, I will be completely independent and can do anything I damn well please.

 

I have been cheated on in the past. I couldn’t forgive it then, and I sure as hell couldn’t and wouldn’t forgive it now…point blank. It would end then and there. I don’t want to talk about the grey areas of the cheating thing, mainly because I don’t quite care. I find cheating to be a character weakness and the people who do it don’t have very high senses of moral ethics, honour or respect to do so. Maybe I’m going on a bit, I know I’m very black and white on the subject, but I know myself and I can be a jealous person…hell, I’ve gotten insecure when I found out my old boyfriend had fantasies of my friends and my cousins, of all things, and that ate me up enough that ended up hating my friends and cousins and started feeling worried he’d be imagining them whenever we had sex. I never told him either, I let it keep me awake at night and eat at me, which was bad enough — let alone finding out he cheated.

Maybe I’m also pretty firm on the issue because I know that I could never be tempted and therefore assume the same for others most times. Or I just don’t understand how other people can allow themselves to do so…

:/

 

I could forgive it. I would be very hurt; I would be hurt probably for a long time, but I could forgive it. I understand that monogamy is hard. It is not how we evolved to be in relationships, especially for males, so monogamy is very hard for our species. My girlfriend gave me the option and I have given her the option as well to be non-monogamous, and both she and I want monogamy. We both know people who are poly (for example, her mom is poly), but neither of us want to be poly, even though we both agree that poly is probably a more natural system for our species, but if the other one didn't want monogamy we would still be willing to be non-monogamous.

 

I agree these are different things, and would say the circumstances need to be considered. But the repeated act seals the deal on the decision.

To comment on what many others have said, forgiveness is one thing, staying in the relationship another. My ex-wife was emotionally abusive, and I put up with it for three years. After that it was no longer healthy for her or me to continue the relationship. I forgive her, but I will not put my self back in that relationship in any form, even as a friend... she is to manipulative.

Forgive yes, forget, not a good idea regardless of what the old adage says.

 

good shit.

keep your head up.

 

I don't know if I could forgive or not.

 

I think every relationship is different with its own set of circumstances. If things were really bad and we weren't communicating, much less having sex, then I could possibly understand it.

In my current relationship I could not forgive.

I think it would come down to this: was the relationship already broken before the cheating took place?in that case I could take responsibility for my own fault and try to fix things.

Whereas if cheating was the one thing that broke the relationship then it would be unforgivable.

 

it doesnt work been there once some one has cheated on you the trust is never there again

 

I was cheated on, at the same point in my realtionship, 7 years in. We are still together, been together 12 years now, and have since gotten married. You will eventually be able to forgive, but you will NEVER forget it. As far as knowing all the details of the infidelity, I asked for some, but didn't want all of them. I didn't see the point of having that much mental imagery to go along with the pain. What I will tell you is this, if you catch your partner lying to you about anything, RUN. Just run. Keep saving your money, make sure you are prepared to get out. If the relationship is ever going to mend, so that you are BOTH happy, there needs to be complete honesty on both sides.

 

I would love to know how you were able to do it. I agree, honesty is key.

 

Can't rep. you, but this is the best response I've ever heard to this question.

 

Didn't the middle part seem disingenuous though?


Not to belittle you Meliai, but the part about you not being able to forgive 'in this relationship', seemed to suggest you were really saying that ideologically, you are a forgiver; yet, realistically you couldn't do it.

 

That's not what I meant.

My current relationship is good. If my boyfriend were to cheat on me it would blindside me. I would never be able to understand why he ruined a good thing.

Whereas if things were bad and we were fighting a lot and not having sex often then I could at least try to understand that I played my part in it all.