This is a situation, that I would maybe describe as sensitive. My mother was raped at the age of four. While growing up with her, I had come to the conclusion, at the age of 6yrs, that I was the product. I later revised this, as Mom seemed to know alittle about Dad, figuring no one close would do that....hey...I realise now, that was not strictly true. Never knew real father. But remember father who was my brother, Laurence's dad, Pete. When I was four, Laurence was adopted out of family. Pete, Mom, and myself, went to India, Pakistan and Turkey, for 18 months, 2yrs. When we were there, I remember mom, hiding some...substances, in one of my toys. After returning to UK, Pete left, and Mom tried to commit suicide. So, this guy called Stuart came along. On more than one occasion, he was violent, and hostile, in front of us, and directed at Mom. Mom was, as you may imagine, still suffering, and I did not take kindly to Stuart shouting, breaking things, in front of her. I used to sit next to her, while they argued, but both request, and by choice. On one occasion, Stuart came home, slightly loaded, began arguing....Mum sat on stairs to phone police, Stuart came up behind her, and booted phoned. I launched myself at him. I was around 12. Okay...so I left home...or rather i was placed in care of local authorities. Stuart and Ann, then have two children. Who, have been given a rather edited version of past events. Makes things really awkward. They have been told I resent Stuart. Although seem to have left out his past actions. Only found this out last year. And decided to send letter to Stuart, confronting his questionable version. A quick reply was received, and informs me that another is being put together. ""Sadly your relationship with me was doomed as soon as I got to Winchester. I had really cared about you, getting to know you and Ann stayed at Gail's. But not only is the step-father/ stepson relationship usually a disaster zone, but when I got to Winchester Anns problems were really beginning to affect her life, to be totally demanding, and so I had no time for you-not even to read you a story. Importantly Ann had no idea what was happening to her- certainly if she had been diagnosed at the time (and no one did anything, not the psychiatrist at the hospital after her over dose when Hugh ws still living there and not her doctor who suggested she took holiday) If she had been diagnosed she would have been diagnosed with something like BPD. So when things/terrors from deep down were coming out and she was freaking out at me, it must have been awful for you, it must have sounded far worse than just two adults rowing. I remember you coming down the stairs with your plastic bow and arrow to protect her from me- but i did not know, at the time, what the hell was going on. Latter we came to understand the process- she was reacting to some unidentified trigger that made her react to me as if I were the boys that raped her when she was four, or to me as I were her father- Incredibly upsetting for you and brave of you to try and defend her. And yes certainly there were times I lost my cool and blew it." There is too much to cover i it would help if we could talk." Thoughts please?
The hardest thing about a tough upbringing is letting it go. If you love your mother, I'd talk to him. In a public place or over the phone - not in a private place if you don't trust him. You have to start finding independence away from your past...find ways that it has made you grow. Always realize that you are who you are because of what you've been through and grow from that. Best of luck to you.
I totally agree- if you can make peace and clear some demons from the past do. Please do not get attached to what was, you are not a product of your childhood. Sure it sounds tough, please please learn to move on. It is time to forget the past, go outside and have a blast ! :sunny:
yeah..i had a really rough childhood too....it still affects me today ...however i have learnt more and more to forgive and yes...try and move into today and let go.im not saying that all is rosey and bright in my life....my young life was a disarster but today is new and if one resolves one to do the best you can with whats available today the results can be better than expected. i suffer chronic depression..its genetic....perhaps thats why my family was such a mess...please post some more.
Thanks for replies. Greatly appreciated. :sunny: I love the concept of forgiveness. My other half, Deb, tragically lost her brother Tony, when she was 21. I could not find a way, of relating to anyone, how she felt. Tony was, practically her twin. Tony was a passenger, in a car, which lost control, and left the driver injured, but alive. Deb forgave, the driver, almost immediately. Infact, even when they see each other, Deb will offer a hug. This has always been an inspiration for me. I did take a way from child hood, alot of pride, that I instinctively rose to protect my Mom. Also, that I adopted the role of carer, + . Empathy, was a blessing. I had a NDE. Which wasn't immediately, understood. But later came to be.... profound. I came to accept Stuart. Even asking advice, as to how to construct an apology, to him, in part, because of what is with me , in my life. (And partly, because I felt genuine remorse, at physically, +, hurting Stuart) I truly believe no person deserves as much as I, especially, as others are more worthy. I found that I had a knack for sculpture type endeavors, aswell as other like activities. I have alot of patience. Too much. I do though, stumble when Trust is, taken for granted, or abused. I had never told anyone, untill recently, of the things that Stuart had done. Not even Deb. But freely told of the actions that I was responsible for. Bringing the family , closer, to give Mom comfort, would be an achievable goal. The direction is, unity. Trust is the bonding agent. In that respect, arranging a chat would be a positive step, although I'll try to lay a better path. :2thumbsup:
The "final stages" are in progress. Feel.....absorb.....search......focus.....release. The letter, just feels like its been written, by an abuser. Theres just so many under currents, ebbs and flows, that I almost turnt the page, and looked underneath....... Prepared following letter: *Brief family history* *Contained some experiences, items I found in house while younger, etc* "Settled, started talking to siblings. Decided to forgive Stuart, and asked siblings advice. Became clear, last year, that Stuart, and Ann, had peddled a diagnosis on me, "Resentment", with my siblings, but had left out that Stuart had been violent. Scapegoating me? Infact, I wrote to Stuart, demanding that he be honest, with siblings. His answer : ".......Yes there were problems, major problems with things you did, and we can't say that we didn't make mistakes trying to solve them. But then no one else was of any help, from child guidance on through. Sadly your relationship with me was doomed as soon as I got to Winchester. I had really cared about you, getting to know you and Ann stayed at Gail's. But not only is the step-father/ stepson relationship usually a disaster zone, but when I got to Winchester Anns problems were really beginning to affect her life, to be totally demanding, and so I had no time for you-not even to read you a story. Importantly Ann had no idea what was happening to her- certainly if she had been diagnosed at the time (and no one did anything, not the psychiatrist at the hospital after her over dose when Hugh ws still living there and not her doctor who suggested she took holiday) If she had been diagnosed she would have been diagnosed with something like BPD. So when things/terrors from deep down were coming out and she was freaking out at me, it must have been awful for you, it must have sounded far worse than just two adults rowing. I remember you coming down the stairs with your plastic bow and arrow to protect her from me- but i did not know, at the time, what the hell was going on. Latter we came to understand the process- she was reacting to some unidentified trigger that made her react to me as if I were the boys that raped her when she was four, or to me as I were her father- Incredibly upsetting for you and brave of you to try and defend her. And yes certainly there were times I lost my cool and blew it. There is too much to cover i it would help if we could talk." I then looked at advice on the Internet, and found articles on womensaid org. "Is domestic violence a consequence of things such as stress? Domestic violence is learned intentional behaviour rather than the consequence of stress, individual pathology, substance use or a 'dysfunctional' relationship. Perpetrators of domestic violence frequently avoid taking responsibility for their behaviour, by blaming their violence on someone or something else, denying it took place at all or minimising their behaviour. Whilst responsibility for the actual violence is the perpetrator's alone, there are belief systems in our society that perpetuate abusive attitudes and make it difficult for women and children to get help. These include: - Blaming the victim for the violence - Putting the 'family' before the safety of women and children - Tolerating the use of violence - Privileging men over women and children's needs - Treating domestic violence as a private matter Research shows that violent men are most likely to perpetrate violence in response to their own sexual jealousy and possessiveness; their demands for domestic services; and in order to demonstrate male authority. Some men also believe that sex is another type of domestic service that they can demand. Violent men will also typically justify or ignore their behaviour by: - Minimising the violence e.g., saying it was "just a slap" or "isn't that bad". - Justifying the behaviour to themselves and blaming the victim. - Denying the violence happened or refusing to talk about it and expecting the victim to just "move on". (Dobash & Dobash, 2000). Is domestic violence caused by a lack of control? Domestic violence is about gaining control, not a lack of control. If an abuser is careful about when, where and to whom they are abusive, then they are showing sufficient awareness and knowledge about their actions to indicate they are not 'out of control'. Abusers use violence and tactics of coercion as a way of exercising control and getting what they want." There is of course more. So, I considered that Stuart had been violent, hostile, to a mentally ill lady, and child, and had edited this to other family members. this seemed to be supported, by other family members, and himself. Also, some very basic common sense approaches by Stuart are also questionable, ie, wikihowcom Be a Good Stepfather Dont make derrogatory comments about Mum, which is something that still hasn't got through to him, in years? Its also very hard, to get hold of my Mum. We leave messages etc, even with siblings, G & C. In my opinion, Controlling? Has been known to be violent +, refuses to accept responsibilty for actions, facilatating inter family issues, by editing information.....etc And works in mental health?" At this point, the whole situation feels like its been taken out of my hands. The level, way above my understanding. I therefore, sent a copy to a facility for Learning disabilities and/or mental health problems, where Stuart had worked, and to Social services.gov. In addition, I have informed police of my full actions, and notified them of sending mail. Sent personnel messages to family, informing them that I had forwarded Stuarts letter to authorities plus. No matter what perspective, I try to see from, I feel that a little growth is needed. Maybe a little turbulent ahead, hopefully, our love for our mother, will help guide us. Please think of her today. After much soul searching, I feel I've done the right thing.
This story confused me. You said that your mother was 'raped' at the age of 4. Although I'm not quite understanding your question, I just felt compelled to correct this- children are not raped, they're molested. There's one thing I really can't tolerate and that's someone harming a child. This type of experience at such a young age will destroy a child. Now, I'm not saying they can't be healed over time from an experience like this, but they will be very, very negatively affected by it. It will change them and their view of the world forever.
