Help for coping with self loathing & extreme regret?

This is probably going to be a really long post, and it may be easily dismissed as whiny and baseless by others. Regardless, this is my situation.

So I went through a bit of a mid-midlife crisis when I turned 25. I realized that even though I'm still young, I'm no longer in the youngest demographic. I was in the 25-34 set and that killed me. Not because I care about getting older per se, but because it forced me into acknowledging the reality of my where I was at in my life. I know most people haven't achieved everything they thought they would by 25, but I hadn't accomplished ANYTHING that I thought I would.

------------------back story-------------------------------------------
My mother is quite mentally unstable. She was not properly diagnosed and medicated until my mid-teens. However, once the meds started working, she would think she was "cured" and stop taking her meds, spiral out of control, lather, rinse, repeat. I was a miserable kid. Things were so bad, my father and I debated on whether we should go to court to try to switch custody from her in Florida to my father in New Jersey. Anyway, I swore that I would get away from her as soon as possible, by any means necessary.

I started dating a guy (he was 23 at the time) when I was in my senior year of high school. His sister died unexpectedly and he had to relocate to North Carolina to help out with her children and whatever else he had to do. He invited me to join him after I graduated, but like a fool, I saw my way out and as soon as I turned 18 (about 2 weeks later) I ran away from home with my boyfriend. I was 3 months shy of graduating.

I kept in contact with my school and tried to complete the required work needed for me to graduate, but the math proved too difficult and I soon let it fall by the wayside as the more pressing matters of getting a job and adjusting to life away from my parents came up. I never kept up with my studies the way I intended, but I knew I was young enough to take some extra time if needed. I bought a self study GED guidebook when I was 23 and worked on it diligently with help from my friends. Then I switched jobs. Then I had a breakup. Then blah blah blah. All of a sudden (or so it seemed) years had passed and "real life" kept getting in the way. I still didn't have my diploma.

Flash forward to the mid-midlife crisis. I realized that I was 25 years old, a high school dropout with no GED, I live at home with my dad, and I have nothing but shitty jobs to look forward to. Meanwhile, people younger than me were done with college and pulling in tens of thousands of dollars more per year than I was, living on their own, and looking forward to planning their lives. I realized how bad I fucked up.

That was a year ago.
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The thing is, I still feel that way. I studied my ass off and I earned my GED in March. I'm starting college in a month and I know what my major, minor, and career aspirations are. I have literally done a complete 180 in the last year. But it doesn't matter. None of it matters. In my head, I'll never EVER stop playing catch up with the people that did it the "right" way.

By the time I graduate with my Bachelor's, I will be competing with people younger than me, younger than me with more advanced degrees, and younger people with more field related experience than me. It's so discouraging!

My boyfriend (not the same from earlier) has a degree and all of his friends are college graduates. It makes me feel insignificant and stupid. Even though I have had many people tell me that I am very well spoken and they would have never guessed I didn't have a degree had I not told them, I can't shake the feeling that they are better than me.

I hate feeling this way. Every time someone mentions college, I bristle. Some of the biggest fights my boyfriend and I have had have been over my self-consciousness due to my lack of formal education. I actively resent him for having a degree. I know it's not something he should be made to feel bad about, but I can't help but feel gratified when I DO make him feel bad about it. I hate that he still has a million shirts and hoodies with his college logo on it, I hate that he struggles with wanting to talk to me about what he should pursue for his Master's, but he doesn't because he knows how sensitive I am about it. I hate feeling this way so fucking much. I hate being this stupid, silly, self-conscious bitch.

I know I should be focusing on the positive changes I'm making because I can't change the past. But knowing something and being able to do something are totally different. I even told my GED instructor that I wasn't going to the graduation ceremony because it wasn't a celebratory event for me. It was a bittersweet victory, a reminder of how I ruined my life, a celebration for something that I should have gotten 8 years ago.

I feel like I will never be satisfied with myself now. I feel like even when I get to the advanced level of degree I want, I'll still resent myself for doing it later than it should have been done. I worry that I'll never feel truly proud of myself, especially since I felt mostly embarrassed when I found out I'd passed the GED. I can't live my whole life feeling self loathing because I squandered 8 years of my life. I can't live my whole life resenting my boyfriend because he did it "right."

But I honestly have NO idea how to stop. I catch myself thinking these negative thoughts and try to stop, but to no avail. Sometimes, realizing the negative thinking actually makes it worse, because it makes me want to talk to a therapist. However then I'm reminded that I can't see a therapist because I have no insurance and I have no insurance because I have a shitty job and I have a shitty job because I don't have an education. It's a vicious cycle and I just don't know what to do anymore. If I'm already stressed out about other things, the loathing can lead to suicidal thoughts. I know that's a hallmark of depression, I'm just trying to explain the extent of how I feel.

I know this post was really long and may come off as really whiny, and I apologize for both of those things. However, if anyone read this far and can think of some way to help, it'd be greatly appreciated. The stress is killing me, I cry myself to sleep about twice a month, unable to quell the regret that eats away at me. I plan on seeing a therapist as soon as I have insurance that will cover it (there are only a handful of low income mental health services around here and the ones I tried were practically useless) but that won't be for at least another year and I really don't know how I can handle this level of stress for that long.

So does anyone out there know a way to help? How did you stop feeling intense self hatred over something? How can I focus on the positive without reminding myself of the overwhelming negatives? I just can't do it anymore.

 

I just started seeing a therapist.

I wasn't going to be able to afford it but they have a youth fund that covers it, so I just have to pay five dollars and the fund puts up a decent chunk. That is amazing and not a common thing to run into in the field of seeking a counselor/therapist to work with. This place genuinely wants to help me rather than just pump some money into their pockets.

Quit beating yourself up.

You will eventually lose that boyfriend of yours if you keep up that negativity. Who would want to be with someone that resents them for something they are proud that they worked hard to achieve?
Relationships are supposed to be individuals lifting one another up not cutting them down.

There are people in way worse situations than you.

Put things in proper perspective.

I read the whole post, no where did I read that you got addicted to heroin and let guys gang bang you for piddly bags of dope.
I didn't read that you have a learning disability.
I didn't read that you have a physical disability.
Be grateful for what you have.

If you have working limbs.. that is an amazing thing. Go talk to someone who doesn't have them all anymore.

If you have all senses, be grateful for that.

Taking things for granted and thinking that you can get away with or justify being a negative nancy is a load of shit.

Why don't you take a look at all of the people who have went to college and got some fancy degree that you'd be so "envious" of.. that cannot find work in the field of their degree and can't even find a "shitty" job like the ones you've been involved in. The kids that are in six figure debt because they were brainwashed into thinking that some garbage "education" was going to pave the way to a happy future.

There is no justification for how much most schools charge nowadays. It isn't even about education anymore so be glad that you havent been fucked in the ass like the millions of kids in our age brackets have.. you can be wise and make a conscious decision of what you really want to do.

Take a look at your motivation for an "education".

Do you want it to become educated and help better the quality of your life?

Or do you want it so that you don't feel lesser than everyone around you?

Start meditating, do some yoga. Find a fun cost effective trade school to join and pick up a trade like massage therapy or something. There are all kinds of enjoyable things you could be getting yourself involved in, instead of complaining about the "past".

I wish you well in moving forward.

 

I am aware that I have it pretty good compared to a great many people in this world. Hell, that's why i stated not once, but twice, in my original post that my problem may come off as baseless and whiny to others. However, that doesn't invalidate my feelings in any way. My problem is that I can't focus on the positive, I get too mired in the negative and it consumes me. It's a symptom of depression, one of many that I deal with every day, therefore my question for help was for COPING METHODS. I was simply providing the back story and the current triggers for my depression.

I don't want a degree to feel comparable to anyone, I want a degree so I can better myself and my quality of life. I want a degree to prove to myself that I can achieve the goals I set for myself before I went off track.

I know the way I treat my boyfriend is unfair. I don't do it on a regular basis, just when we argue specifically about this issue. I know that doesn't make it any better, but that's all I've got right now. I'm proud of him and his accomplishments. I WANT to discuss his grad school options with him, I WANT to be the supportive girlfriend he deserves. Again, my own insecurities are the stumbling block. Thinking of him going to grad school (he's younger than me by a year) before I've even had my freshman orientation reiterates in my mind that I'm just not good enough. At this point in time, I'm an admittedly selfish person, I am trying my hardest to change my behavior (he sees and acknowledges how hard I'm trying). But all of these negative realizations just solidify the self-loathing. Perhaps I'm not making my meaning clearly enough. I am desperate for a happy medium whereby I can acknowledge my shortcomings but not beat myself up about them.


As far as the recent graduates that can't find jobs, I know quite a few folks in that boat. I also know a good many more that graduated and got either a job they liked that paid well or at least the latter half of the deal within a few weeks of job searching post-graduation. It's a matter of degree specialization, location, and luck. In several years, I may be in that exact spot. But I do know that when the economy picks back up, the people with degrees are going to bounce back much faster than those without, because they'll still have the degree to back up their search for a "real" job. Meanwhile the ones without will be stuck at the same menial jobs without the hope of moving on when things get better.

While I have entertained the possibility of a trade school or certification, the interests and aspirations I have call for a college degree. I may end up amassing an absurd amount of debt (like everyone nowadays because college costs are astronomical) but at least it will be for something I'm passionate about.

I'm happy you found a therapy system that works for you. There is something similar here, I believe, however i am past the age restriction for that program and therefore have to take advantage of the low-cost mental health options around here, which as I previously mentioned, didn't really help me at all.

Thanks for your input and for taking the time to read my post.

 

I wasn't saying that you're feelings are invalid.. just pointing out how as your sig. demonstrates.. perception is a big deal.

If you think your life is shit or that you arent worthy of love or are less than everyone else than you most certainly will live that.

As far as methods for coping with negativities..
Do you have a spiritual path that you follow?

I am a Buddhist and there are all kinds of antidotes to neuroses one can use.
Any path should have techniques for helping an individual use the application of spiritual principles such as honesty, patience, love, compassion, etc. instead of the negative opposites.

I'll mention it again.. take up meditation. Mindfulness can help you create space between the negativites you experience so you can simply observe them without being wrapped up in them and choose how you'd like to respond to the situation you find yourself in.

It might help to think about what you are.

Do you make mistakes or are you a mistake?

Are you your self loathing and regret or have you simply dealt with such things before.

Get in tune with your core and you'll see emotions pass like clouds in the sky, happy, sad, mad, glad, without having to identify with any of them. Just seeing them as they are and eventually learn how to stabilize the ones you'd like to have around, like happiness, self love.

A spiritual path really makes one feel as if they have a purpose and to me it sounds like you are dying to feel as if you have a purpose.

Your purpose is not to make a lot of money or get many degrees or anything like that.
Read through near death experiences where people have come back and 99% of them realized that their purpose is to give love.

It is really quite simple. Start with yourself right where you are.

 

Your sig line: All life is perception. You realize this is your perception of yourself. Can you find things about yourself that counter, or rather, balance this perception?

I fucked off and dropped out of college because I was told I would find better work as a graphic artist if I had practical experience, not schooling. I couldn't take the archaeology course work I really wanted, and felt I had sound financial reasons for doing it (back then archaeologists lived from government grant to government grant). I've paid the price, but simple face and accept the fact that I am nothing but a self-taught GEDuate. And I'm old enough to be your mom! You're addressing what you feel is deficient in yourself, so don't let that perception of your self become your downfall.

In other words, whatever you do, just keep heading toward that goal, one foot in front of the other, if nothing else then at least go through the motions because the next thing you know, you're going to have achieved SOMETHING.

 

Onelifeform has some nice answers. You seem to think everyone "has it together" except you. We all make mistakes and waste time. That's just how life is. I didn't see any spelling or syntax mistakes on your part, so you obviously can express yourself clearly. That should tell you that you're capable of achieving whatever you want. Life is just too damn short to go thru it bummed out. Quit beating yourself up and spend some time with those MUCH less fortunate than you. If it's the money you could have made that you're worrying about--you're definately on a path that you can never make right. If it's the education--just get it done.

 

Bump for reading later when I have time.

 

Here is a bit of perspective: First, the 20s are a very hard period of life. Everything you are doing and feeling is common among those at your age, including myself. It was really rough in so many ways. Family, work, college, boyfriends friends, everything was awful and I was miserable. I also self medicated a lot. Second, everyone has a path and the paths are all different. We're individuals and not meant to do things the same. From where you stand, you think others have their shit together. They don't. Third, you might be also a victim of obsessive thinking. These thoughts get stuck in your head and no amount of analyzing and talking them out brings relief.

So....with that perspective, you'll need to decide what's applicable. And also realize.....time and maturity are big variables. You have to be patient.