Depression has followed me for years, still isn't gone

Ok, I know my life is so much better compared to others, but I need to rant and damn it this is the whiners thread I don't give a fuck if people get pissed at me.

I've been through medication, therapy, being used by men, popping pills, getting drunk, cutting, and CONSTANT self mental abuse. I don't know what's wrong with me man, I'm my own worst enemy. I smoke weed to calm me down and it helps, in fact I function normally when I'm high quite often I have a high tolerance, and it helps me lighten up and not beat myself up. But I feel this constant emptiness within my soul to this day.

I'm on Prozac right now. I still smoke weed, and cigarettes, and I've hallucinated a handful of times off of Diphenhydramine. When I hallucinate it doesn't scare me unless I'm in a bad mood, and then I start seeing creepy dark shit I don't wanna see. Most of my trips were amazing because I felt happy before I popped them, and it further stretches that euphoria while adding a body high and hallucinations. It makes for an interesting trip in my opinion, but you should not do it regularly.

I feel empty because depression is doing all it can to defeat me. I almost commited suicide a few months ago. I keep changing and shit and my emotions are just so sensitive, especially on my period but that's normal. I've been emotional these past few months, my bf has been there for much of it, being my shoulder to cry on one minute and a funny ass comedian the next. My highs and lows have been extreme for years, causing me to take things like religion to the extreme. I was one of those Christians that goes to church one person and is someone else outside of church. I pretended to be "holy." When I realized I disagreed with Christianity, the emptiness that i've been living with for so long cried within. Religion gave me meaning. I wanted meaning. So I dabbled in many different religions and it honestly made it a harder journey finding myself.

I'm emotionally unstable. I admit it. I'm a whiner. I'm not the greatest person, my father left me when I was a toddler, I was diagnosed with autism, and depression has taken a place in my life for SO long. Nothing, not even precious ganja or anti depressants have defeated this monster that consumes me.

I seem like a happy person, but deep inside I'm always criticizing myself and constantly worrying. Shit's stupid. The reason I go and get high is because I don't like how I hate myself, and my sober mind is stubborn and keeps to the same "put yourself down guilt trip" formula.

I don't need drugs but I find myself using them to escape this mental hell I slaved half an hour describing just now. This stuff is hard for me to talk about. I'm glad I found a place to whine about it.

 

im really high right now i feel tingly comfortable but also excited i wanna do shit.

i like how i feel right now...i wish i could feel this more...why do i only feel secure when im high?

idk man..

 

I feel your pain. I have depression that has never been successfully treated by medication or therapy. After a lifetime of it, doc says I just have to learn to live with it.

Depression can be more serious than people who have never experienced it can imagine. Marijuana can help some people, but it can also make you feel worse when the high is over. It can also cause mania, which might be what you were experiencing when you wrote your 2nd post.

Not to add to you problems, but has a bipolar Dx ever been mentioned to you by a medical professional?

Whine away, sister! This is the place to do it! (But so sorry you have the need to do so! )

 

I feel you
when it starts looking that things are better, it fucks up again

 

no, actually I was trippin on Diph. thanks for your responses..I'm feeling a bit better it's just confusing right now.

 

things have gotten worse. i popped pills again and im going to the hospital to get a mental evaluation): it's my fault i know but i just feel empty inside right now idk why

 

Don't feel like you need to blame yourself or anyone else...just try your best to do what you need to feel well...no guilt. Look at things you haven't tried yet.

 

Here are a few suggestions that I can offer based on experience. One, find a counselor that you can trust. If money is an issue, you might want to check with one of the social service agencies in your area. Two, excercise can help considerably (I know, when you're depressed the trouble is getting started to begin with. You just have to go do it, even if you're feeling bad). Meditation helps some people. Yoga can help also. Three, if the depression is so bad you feel like you're going to commit suicide, you may need to be on (or change, if already on) antidepressants.

 

I know what you're talking about. It's the worse feeling. I am managed with medication. An antidepressant might help or even a mood stabilizer. Maybe meditation or hypnotism too. There are some very therapeutic hobbies too. It's very hard.........find someone that cares and can help you.

 

Hey...things are getting a bit better now. I am not messing with pills, and I am going to see my doctor to let her know that my medication isn't working anymore. im going into therapy here soon. i feel kinda dumb for posting this publicly, if i was in the right state of mind i probably wouldnt have posted it.

 

get on some welbutrin.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bupropion
ditch the prozac and benadry,. the welbutrin will give you some mania .. if you can control it, use it to your advantage and get the fuck out of your position..

Check Mate..

 

yeah definitely im not touching benadryl again...i know it was stupid but at the time I just didn't care. And as for Prozac it's pretty obvious that it isn't working for me like it used to, I'll look into your link and I'm setting an appointment with my doctor soon. I'm also gonna go into therapy, which is what ive needed and wanted for a long time. I believe that I will get better soon, as long as I really want the help, which I do.

 

Good to hear! Please let the forum know how things are going from time to time.

 

Will do. I'm glad I found a place where I can vent, hipforums really is a hip place, I've found so many people who are down to earth.