Lost...

My mind is racing at about one hundred miles a minute. I can't even think straight anymore. I can't focus on anything. Everything went so wrong...I lost so much so fast. I feel like I have nothing left. I feel like I have no one. How can life really be this hard? How can it be this cruel? The worse part is, I know there are people that have it worse...how does it get any worse? What little I had left is slowly be taken from me and it feels like I can't do anything to stop it. I know I messed up a few time, but did I really deserve all of this? Is this some sort of sick joke? Is this a nightmare? Am I only here to be used and abused like a puppet, being dragged through life? I'm wondering if I should give up. Everyone seems to always think God will help. Le me ask you this, if there is a God and he has a "plan", then why is all this happening? Is this some form of amusement for him? I mean, it seems like no matter what I do, I get the short end of the stick. No matter how hard I try to stop it. Nothing I do is ever good enough. So if nothing I do matters, if it doesn't change anything, then why am I trying? Someone else obviously has control. I'm just a puppet, here for someone else's sick amusement. I mean, I don't even recognize myself anymore. How much more can I take? I'm hanging by a thread here and I feel myself slipping more and more each day...

 

Sounds to me like you might need some professional help.

But you are 19 years old...its normal to have moments of feeling "lost." Hell, I'm 25 and I'm still lost.

 

If you want that pretty rainbow in your life you first gotta put up with the rain.

Don't look to god for answers, it will drive you mad, because no matter what anyone says nothing in that regard can be proven.

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another"

Success of a man does not matter in this world. Yes success is thrown down our throat as thats all we should need. That is not close to the truth. The truth is you must become a man of values.

"If you're never scared or embarassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances"

 

Hang on man... Don't give up. You do need to talk to someone but stay away from those churchy types, they will just mess you up more. See if there is a free/low cost counselling service in your area. Just go for talk... NO DRUG therapy. Those "antidepressants" are bad news...

Some of this is your age group, some of it is "just life". Hell I'm 55 and still run into this on occasion... We just have to hang in there and try to find a "place" (mental place or physical location... or both) that lets our inner light shine, a place of peace.

It's out there, don't give up, search for it.

 

We’re all puppets in someone’s sick game but even puppet-masters have their favorites.

Get on the good side of whoever is fucking you over, and chill the fuck out before you end up in a refrigerator - permanently


Hotwater

 

Wow...sorry you're feeling so bad, but sounds like maybe you're fighting and judging things too harshly. I don't know what's going on in your life, but for me, when I feel like nothing I do is making a difference I just let go, go with the flow. It might be annoying and irritating, but I've always come out of it with more experiences under my belt...sometimes you have to take what life throws you...

be creative and either find a way to ride it out or try something completely new, perhaps completely unrelated, something that addresses a more simple need than the more complicated aspects you're trying to control in your life. Take a drama break, if you can...just focus on finding someone to talk with and nothing more. If you let go of other expectations you might stumble more easily into the solution for this thing you're so anxious about.

Just some suggestions, take some, leave some, however it goes.

 

I agree with all the above. Great advice.

Also, you may be lost but at least you found the Internet.

 

just lay off the coke for a few dayz

 

I get the same feeling...and Ive never done coke


just take a day at a time

what I like to do is remember my worst day..a day you didnt think you could survive through (for me it was kidney stone day)...and then remember everything thats happened since then and then that day is not so bad after all.

 

Advising a stranger against accepting medication prescribed by professionals which may be of great benefit to them is not a wise move. Unless you have some brand new scientific breakthrough, I'd leave the pharmaceutical advice up to those who are trained to give it.

Scaremongers put me off taking SSRIs for years. I'm glad I finally saw sense.

 

I agree with this 100%, and want to say that quite often on these forums. Unless you are a doctor or a medical professional (and if you were, you would probably know better than to give drug advice online anyway), you REALLY shouldn't be giving people online medical, dosage and phamaceutical advice.

The counselling is a great idea, however. For me a mixture of counselling and an anti depressant helped me to cope, and then learn how to manage my issues for the future. It doesn't have to be forever - all of this happened 7-8 years ago to me and now I can stand on my own two feet.

Best of luck to you!

 

Get up and go for a run or a bike ride. Get out of the head and into the body. If you perpetuate negative thoughts your brain will stay wired that way. First you need some endorphins, then work on automatic negative thinking. Try some herbs for depression. Go visit someone and take the focus off yourself. sounds easy... its not. im a chronically depressed person too. The above is about all you can do. I tried medication...too many side effects. Seek professional help. Yes God does have a plan, but unless you "knock" and ask, nothing will happen. Free will and all that. Good luck to you.

 

Cymbalta almost killed me... Excuse me for saying anything of the sort. I was obviously completely mistaken in telling anyone that they are bad news.

 

people have different mind and body chemistry

what works for some doesnt work for all

 

Granted... The problem is these drugs are doled out to anybody without any evaluation and for any ailment under the sun.

The OP is 19, the particular drug I named and most in it's class have a "Black Box" warning about not prescribing them to teens and young adults because of an increased risk of suicide. Yet doctors in the free counselling places, like I mentioned, and at other facilities routinely hand out samples and then prescribe these drugs to this age group with no warning about this, nor how much trouble they may have discontinuing these drugs in the future...



But, of course I have no idea what I'm talking about so ignore my previous posts and continue on.

 

can you tell us what is going on? things are bad for you, but what is happening?

if you are using recreational drugs, it's probably best to give that a rest, at least for now.

if you really feel like you are on the edge, you might want to find a suicide hotline www.befrienders.org . you may also want to visit a suicide specific site www.suicideforum.com

seeing a doctor may be a good idea. if you can get better without medications, that's great, but otherwise you might want to try a medication.

talk therapy sounds good

i'm guessing that you are having problems both with your physical health and some stress in your personal relationships that is making you distressed.

if you are in a stressful situation, can you stay with a friend or relative that will get you out of there?

meditating and getting some gentle aerobic exercise and fresh air might help. eating fresh, lightly cooked whole foods instead of processed foods might help.

finding some supportive personal relationships would probably help too. while it's nice to talk to people in person, you've got us here.

please stick around and tell us more.

hope that things can get better soon!

 

-Good words of advice.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fXaC07X5M8"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fXaC07X5M8


Feel free to pm if you ever need someone to listen

 

What the fuck, dude? You don't know me. I've never touched it and don't plan to.

 

I'll post what's going on tomorrow. I'm really tired and too lazy to try and stay awake to type it out. Lol. I've had a long day.
Thanks, guys.

 

Basically, I'm tired of dating losers. I'm tired of getting lied to, used, cheated on, and beat. I'm tired of the bullshit jobs I've been working. I'm tired of getting fucked over by boyfriends, frieds, family, strangers, my jobs.


My mom kicked me out when I turned 18 because I refused to argue with her and started talking shit to everyone saying I was on drugs and all kinds of made up bullshit. A couple months later, she acted like it never happened. This was right after I left my second job because a manager pushed me and I had just started my job at Bergner's. Which was hell on earth. Seriously. That job didn't fuck me over, it was just way too easy and they refused to even consider giving me more hours. I was living in my car with as much of my stuff as I could fit and my cat, Molly. I was attending classes at our community college. But because of lack of money, trying to find a new job, trying to get a link card, and not kill my cat by leaving her in the car, I missed some class and got dropped from a couple classes.


Then I worked at Pizza Hut, which wasn't smart. My last night there, I ran out of gas on my last delivery. My car was stuck two blocks aways from the store in a dark alley of a bad neighborhood. It was also after midnight, below freezing, and my driver's side window didn't role up. My tip bag and phone were stolen and at the end of the night, I owed the store $12. I gave this bitch the only money I had to my name, $8. She fired me for the four dollars. She didn't give a fuck that I was stranded in that alley with no money, gas, or a phone. The worst part about it was, this was on Christmas Eve. My family was up waiting on me. half an hour away until four in the morning because I was left stranded.


I was denied link both times I tried applying. The first time I was homeless, going to school more than full time, and working a part-time job. The second time, I was still homeless, going to school part-time, and had just lost my job.

Then I worked at a wing place. They didn't gives schedules, they called you the night before and told you what time to show up the next day. One night I was working after having my tooth extracted only a few hours before. They knew about the appointment and everything. We got hit, hard. I was the only one running three registers on front counter and two lines on the phone, plus trying to keep up with the lobby. I was still new and this just came out of no where. I got fired for having a customer complaint about a mispelled name. A fucking mispelled name...really? Oh, and I asked to go home. Yeah, I know they were swamped, but I shouldn't have been there in the first place.

Then some asshole ran a stop sign and fucked my car. So I got a $1500 check and a job. My insurance had literally ran out the day before, so now I am paying off a car that I can't even use.


My most recent job was at a casual dining restaurant. I went above and beyond on everything. I had my own cheat sheets with the entire menu and picture of each dish in my server book, along with description of the running sidework we were to do each shift and how our tables were supposed to be when our shift was over. I brought in two positive customer survey's my first week. I was moving up in sales every week, getting positive customer surveys regularly, and even convincing people to sign up for their dumb emails. There was a six week contest. I won every single shift I worked, each one of the weekly prizes, and the overall prize. I had numerous customers ask for a manager to tell them how great of a server I was. I was getting regulars after a month. I made at least $10-$30 more than all the other servers almost every shift. I could run the entire main dining room on my own withing two months. I did my best to help my coworkers, even helping the dishwasher when I got a chance. I always did my sidework. When I cleaned my sections, I cleaned every nook and cranny, every square inch I could reach. This means the lamp above the table, the table, everything on it, the ledges on the wall around the tables, the seat and sides of each booth, the legs of the chairs, even the parts where most people put their feet and the base of the tables that sat on the floor. Oh, and I always rolled at least twice the silverware I needed to. Yeah, I'm sure I forgot things and got behind everyone in a while. And yeah, I messed up sometimes, but I always took blame and went to a manager for help immediately. I did anything to go the extra mile for my guests. I circled my name on their reciepts, wrote thank you, and even put a smiley face sticker on each one. Instead of offering to bring boxes, I always offered to box it for them. I could go on and on. I even kept extra crayons and stain remover wipes in my purse for bored little ones or people that just couldn't make their ,mouths. Lol.


Sounds like I was doing good, right? One week they decided to change the schedule on me causing me to miss a shift and fired me for it. They knew I was going to be needing more hours and they were trying to cut back. I kept all my clock out slips and found out they shorted me on quite a bit of money. I could've kissed ass and kept the job, but I didn't see why I should have to kiss ass to keep a job I shouldn't be losing in the first place. I only missed one shift, and I called. And I definately had a good reason. The boyfriend I had at the time and I were fighting and broke up. He kicked me out and I was walking the streets until five in the morning until I finally fell asleep on a park bench. I left him for good after he put his hands on me. He literally picked me up and threw me.

Since I was kicked out, I've been having to wonder how I'm going to make it through the next day, let alone the week or month. I'm so broke I can't even afford to eat. I've always been small, but I'm underweight. I'm 19 and only 95 pounds. None of my pants fit me anymore and I can't even donate plasma because I don't weigh enough. Oh, and I don't have an address. I never thought it was possible to be so hungry it hurt and kept you awake.
It seems like no matter how much I sleep, I'm tired as hell.

Right now I am living with a crackhead I used to work with. There's no laundry, stove, oven, or fridge. It's an efficiency, too. There were roaches, but they were coming from a crack in the floor leading to the apartment below us, so I took care of that.

I'm barely able to pay my most important bills, my stuff is stored in three different places, and my pets are all over, too. I miss them.

On top of all this bullshit I've had to deal with numerous people that claimed to be my friends fucking me over. One stole and sold my xbox and everything to go with it. And the cops didn't do a fucking thing. I also almost got gun charges because of some bullshit one of my ex's made up. Those are just two examples.
Oh, and let's not forget, I'd still be at least somewhat better off than I am if it weren't for my last boyfriend. I supported the both of us. I cooked, I cleaned, I paid the bills, I did everything. If it weren't for him, I would've been able to contiue college and get my car fixed.
At 18 I was working on two college degress, working, had my own car, and a house. Now it's all gone. And I have no one to talk to about all of this because I couldn't hang out with or talk to my friends. That boy controlled my fucking life. My family won't help me. Never have, never will. Everytime I try to get help, I get rejected. All I have are my pets. And if I don't find a place to live soon, I'll lose them too. Molly is my baby, she's the only one that's been there no matter what. To some people, she's just a cat, but they don't get it. She lived in my car with me. She's been moved around and she still loves me.
I found a place to live and had my depost, but it got stolen, so now I have to wait until I have the money.

I may just be bitching, but it really feels like I can't catch a break. And that's really not even the half of it. I just wish that I had some help. I mean, I know I've done things to desrve some bad karma, but not this. I try to help other people, and I really do try to be nice to everyone. It doesn't always work, but nobody's perfect.

Oh, and the crackhead just told me I have to get out by the end of next week. Just another thing to add to the list. Yay.
There are some things from my past that have alot to do with my outllook on things, too. But I don't wish to discuss them.