Can you tell me what's going on?

I'm just trying to get a hold of myself here. I'm living my life now, I'm 25, in San Diego. I can't seemingly complain about too much- it is a nice climate, I have a car, an apartment. I'm just kind of confused quit a bit. I've smoked a large amount of mary jane in the last couple years, did a good amount of lsd, ecstasy, shrooms... I think there was a lot of good trips and I did a lot of creative things. However, I kind of got into my own world quite a bit. I don't think I'm crazy, but I feel like people see me that way sometimes. I think it's just that I'm pretty unique, and I don't find the most popular things interesting usually. I got expelled from school because I couldn't hold my words sometimes verbally and in emails with teachers. I felt like it was a real business like place, and that education is supposed to be a really important thing. Since doing lsd, I reflected back on a lot of things people have taught me, some of them seem really useful and interesting, and other things like my old U.S. history classes, or a lot of my experiences in Catholic teaching seemed like they were really ill informing, and destructive even. So I try to gain positive thoughts and energy from different sources now, like some aspects of Buddhism I like, and I try to do creative things often. It seems like a lot of things stress me out though. I don't really like driving and burning oil, but it seems like I have to. I don't have a whole lot of money, I've had this car since I started driving it about when I was 18. I feel like I don't always like the newest things, and for whatever reason maybe that makes me unpopular. I spend time on social networking sites, and I see family and friends regularly, but I haven't been able to keep a girlfriend very long, and it's hard to be cool with a lot of people at a time. It seems like people care less about love, ideals, and peace as they grow older into jobs and careers, they really start caring about money a lot. I know it's not easy, but it can be a real heart breaking thing to observe this part of life. I guess it's also the problems we are always hearing about- environmental damage, political unrest, government corruption, and in general the way people treat other everyday. There is a lot of real beauty to life, but it's really hard for me somedays. I feel like I am really sensitive to many of these things, but I feel like we all are but don't always realize it.

What do you think... feel...?

Anwiya

 

You sound confused, welcome to life.

 

I can very much relate to what you're saying.

Life isn't easy when you have some sense of how things really are versus how they're supposed to be. We live in a system which indoctrinates people from a very young age to basically not think too much. Just be a team player and a good producer/consumer, and you will be rewarded all the material delights we have been conditioned via marketing and pop culture to hold in high regard. As children, those who reject or are immune to this indoctrination are often diagnosed with ADD/ADHD (as was the case for me) and placed on Ritalin. It seems like people who are like this often have problems later in life as far as interpersonal relationships, careers, drug and alcohol abuse, etc.

I know that from about the time I was a teenager, I really began to see things for how they really are... first in terms of people and interpersonal relations, then the world itself and how things are run, and how we're all really just cogs in a machine we only believe serves the greater good. I don't know how much drugs had to do with my shift in consciousness, but I know they definitely played some role in opening my mind. I don't think drugs make non-thinking people think, but they bring out the ability to think more deeply in people with the potential.

 

so true

 

Well. here at least we care more about paragraphs than money

 

i could but you wouldn't believe me. and i'd probably be wrong too.

 

The world moves too fast is one thing, maybe like 40 years from now, I could write a book about the old days, dropping acid on the 101 driving from San Francisco to San Diego and back... and maybe at that time people will forgot what LSD was all together.

 

You are unique and your post expresses both positive and negative consequences of your uniqueness.

 

Maybe you are in control of yourself moreso than you even think. You must never forget who you are and its important to ask tough questions like "what does life mean to me," and "what does happiness truly mean?" Not easy questions to answer, but I believe you are on the right track. I agree with and relate to most of your post. But I guess what I'm trying to say is you have to create your own happiness in this world. I wish I had learned that earlier myself.