Thought I was in an open relationship, but now it seems closed?

Has anyone ever had an open relationship? I'm curious to hear what worked and what didn't.

My current situation is: I'm 29 and have been with a 24 year old for almost 3 months. I like her a lot because she's got a good sense of humor, is down to earth, low maintenance, great in bed and is down for music/outdoors activities on the weekends instead of just the typical dates (plus we split costs).

When we first started hooking up, we said we didn't want to define anything. We started hanging out more and more, we established a close connection, but both agreed on keeping things open. She just expressed that if I were to be with anyone else, she'd want to know about it.

I just met a very 23 year old cute chick who I know is very into me - and obviously I want to pursue. (She's asked me out to dinner and other events). She also knows Girl #1. I discussed it with Girl #1 and she said she now agrees with open relationships in theory, however, she'd feel insecure if I were to do this and like she wasn't enough for me. She said she'd be interested in swinger clubs but didn't feel comfortable with me with another woman. She agrees with open relationships in theory, though.

I told her that I think she's awesome but my attraction to her doesn't mean that I'm not attracted to others. I agreed that I didn't want to mess anything up with her, so I wouldn't pursue it (in retrospect, I regret saying this).

Girl #2 is actually leaving in less than 2 weeks, so I want to YOLO this shit before she goes away. I'm thinking about letting Girl #1 know the deal because I want to pursue but don't want to sneak around. I also think Girl #1 will begrudgingly accept it because she's really into me. (And while I don't want to lose Girl #1, I don't want to sacrifice my freedom to keep her, either).

That's my story; pleased to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

TLDR; Looking for advice on how to tell your girl that you want to open up a relationship with someone she knows.

 

My thoughts: you are dating a girl, and she is acting like a girl.

Here are some common things girls say in the beginning: ''we dont need to define it'', ''It's just sex'', ''I'm not going to get hurt'', ''I'm more like a guy'', ''I get along better with guys'' and so on....

And then you think everything is cool, enjoy the sex, take it easy... In the meantime, she is secretely growing fond of you and hoping things will change and this will grow into a relationship.

Next thing you know, you're fucked, and it's time to have ''the talk''. And then, ''where is this going'', ''I thought maybe we could try to make something of this'', ''I am in love with you''...

Or throw a crazy jealousy fit...

The lesson here is girls are NOT like guys fot these things, no matter what they say. They dont have sex just to rub one out, and no matter what was agreed on in the beginning, if this ''open relationship'' lasts long enough, shit is going to eventually hit the fan.

 

While I agree that most girls are bullshiting when they say they're "The Samantha" (like Samantha from Sex and the City) believe me when I saw I'm THE Samantha. I really don't want monogamy. Guys do that too. I've had three or four guys I just wanted to fuck and be cool with try to rope me into a committed relationship and even bring up marriage.

I've fucked 45 guys and about 4 girls.

I used to be a stripper and a prostitute and plan to return to stripping soon.

I've been to swinger parties and naked pool parties where I wasn't just being a tease and was DTF (down to fuck).

I really AM more like a guy, like a bisexual man.

I really DO get along more with guys, most girls are prudes and clingy and emotional and are catty and into boring shit like shopping and the spa and petty drama. Guys tend to be laid back and sexually free. But I do have a girlfriend who's bisexual and is laid back and sexually free.

So there are tendencies, as stereotypes are usually true, but they're not ALWAYS true for everyone. People aren't all as predictable as we'd like to believe.

 

if you were truly like a guy, you wouldn't be able to make sex and the city references.

 

Hardy har har:redface:

I'm not like a guy in every way shape and form. I don't really like sports, I don't fart and spit, etc. But when it comes to sex I really AM more like a guy.

 

:rofl:

maybe the YOLO here is not screwing up something that you've already got?

YOLO isn't slang for "fuck around no matter what"

 

Post-some-pics!
Post-some-pics!

 

Well you get to decide what's more important to you. She has already said she's not comfortable with it. She may be into it in theory and working on wrapping her mind around the realities of it...she's not there yet and this situation is not going to force her to be there. If she agrees out of desperation that she would lose you if she doesn't, you might as well end the relationship now...there will be resentment there because of it.

You don't need to tell her you want to open it because you already have and she's already said she's not comfortable with that at this point in your relationship. It's a done deal.

She's interested in exploring open relationships in ways that seem more comfortable for her and don't have as much of a risk of compromising what you already have together...this girl you want to pursue has a huge opportunity to compromise what you both have.

Take it(her) or leave it.

 

I know a lot of people in ORs do tell-all, I`m really not comfortable with it and wouldn`t agree to it. I think casual sex must be DADT; and tell-all as soon as feelings emerge.

Casual sex is just way too private for me to be reporting every single little instance of it to anyone.

---------

Plus, what do you do?

You meet someone, but nope. No soap, let me hit the cell in the toilet and ask wifey for permission first. When you come back you see another dude ushering her out of the club, flagging a cab, and helping her put on the fake fur over her bare shoulders.

Oh, look. An orgy...let me call wifey before I stick my dick into each and everyone of these chicks.

Oh, look. A hooker...you get the idea. Doesn`t work for me.

 

you guys are killing me with all these acryonyms...

Anywho. The things she said in the beginning sounds pretty standard to me..."lets just see where this goes, no need to define it, etc etc.."

I think everyone says these things in the beginning, because at that point you really do just want to see where it goes, and at that point you don't know if you like the person enough to dismiss the possibility of other people.

I think lady #1 has made herself pretty clear. After 3 months she figured out she likes you enough to dismiss the possibility of other people. She isn't comfortable with an open relationship unless its done under certain controlled circumstances, like a swingers club.

So you have two options. You can accept this and be with just her, or you can tell her you aren't interested in monogamy and move on.

 

This might be your problem right here. Its one thing for your partner to screw around with people you haven't met or with people you've met through your partner screwing them. If its someone she already knows then its understandable she might feel wierded out by it or threatened.

At the end of the day all you can do is let her know you want it and try and ease any concerns she has. If girl #2 is leaving that might help as it prevents any kind of long term relationship. But the essence of an open relationship is trust and openess, if you go ahead and screw girl #2 anyway despite being told no don't be surprised if you lose that.

 

I would be interested in an update since it's been about two weeks since you originally posted.

I have known several people in open relationships and attended a swingers group that met at a bar where I used to live. The couples there had been at it for awhile and were very comfortable sharing, but they almost all had the same rule: start the night together, end the night together. Everyone of the couples knew that their partner was there with them regardless of who they were currently having sex with, and they always came back together at the end of the night.

I mention this because it would be my advice to you : if girl 1 is not comfortable with girl 2, than forget girl 2 because another girl 2 will come around eventually. until she does, be with girl 1, go to the swingers clubs, and everything under her conditions, and slowly open her up to the ideas of being in an open relationship remembering the rule above. If you always make sure she knows her place in your life and the relationship, she will either be comfortable enough to let you have girl 2 (or whoever girl 2 is at the moment) or she will stay the same. If she proves to stay the same, than you might want to reevaluate your feelings about open relationships, or find someone who's really interested in one.