Need advice to make something good out of a bad situation

Hello,

I've been a member here for a while and am only now posting because I desperately need some advice on a matter that is very important to me.

My now ex girlfriend and I have been dating for about 19 months when 2 months ago I, stupidly got too drunk came home and beat my girlfriend after she ended our relationship. It was a terrible thing to do and I am a horrible person for doing and am truly ashamed of my actions. However, I am taking the situation and learning from it and moving on. Ive only recently been able to speak and apologize for her due to the pending case as it was recently dismissed. Ive told her how much she means to me and how much I care about her and would like to continue to see her and develop a new relationship where Ive made big changes in my lifestyle, in the things that are affecting my depression, etc.

My question is, do you think she can learn to forgive me eventually and maybe have a healthy relationship again?

 

Nineteen months in a relationship is a significant investment. If this was the only incident that went sour I would think she might be interested; however, you crossed a boundary when you physically abused her -drunk or not - that is serious and she may not come back.

I can see how she'd feel. She may still care for you but she has to take care of herself first and foremost.

 

I agree with Aerianne, that was a shitty thing to do, man. It's essentially bullying someone because their not as strong as you. How would you feel if some big ass mother fucker started beating the shit out of you? It's not right!! There was a song from the 60's what was it again? Ah, yess; Treat her like a lady!!!

 

i would say no. a lot of women love woman-beaters, but if she's one of them do you really want to be dating her?

 

Hopefully not.

People can change. It sounds like you want to change, but I don't think you can change for her. People rarely change for other people, only themselves.

I've seen this enough in my life with other couples to say that if you truly loved her you would just let her go. I've seen time and time again where men hit their women then go through the motions of "changing" and becoming this better person to win the person back, only to repeat the cycle.

Are these guys liars? Probably not. They're probably just like you; well-intentioned.

Plus I think there is something about the power struggle that will prevent you from changing for her, but will make you able to change in order to be a better person in your next relationship. I once had a mentally abusive boyfriend. Its not quite the same but the cycle of abuse and the mental repercussions are similiar. He pledged to change time and time again, and I kept taking him back because I knew despite his issues he was a good person.

I wasn't wrong about him being a good person. I wasn't being blind, although a lot of people told me I was being blind. He is a good person. He's one of my closest friends now.

But we established this power struggle early on in our relationship and its really hard to get out of that cycle. Then he spent a couple of years alone, soul-searching. Now he is with someone else and he treats her like a queen.

I was the catalyst, but because we had already established a pattern of abuse he couldn't truly become a good partner for me. I made him realize his behavior wasn't okay but ultimately he had to alter his behavior on his own and put it into practice for someone else.

Let her go. Spend a couple of years making sure you will never do something like that again. And treat your next girlfriend like a queen.

 

Meliai, that's awesome that you could play that role. I've ended up in the catalyst role once or twice. It's kind of bittersweet. Hugs.

 

I understand and agree with your points Aerianne and Melali. This has been my only violent incident since 3rd grade when I got into a school fight. Other than that the only fights we have had have been verbal. I was upset at the time of the situation and at the fact that I had to deal with her breaking up with me when I was completely incoherent and when I tried to leave to avoid the confrontation because I was so messed up, she grabbed me and pulled me back and I mistook that as a violent act towards me and I reacted. It was a terrible thing and I dont think i have a history of violence or would become a violent person again, but I am willing to do anything to find out the underlying issue which i feel is depression. I am going to see a therapist and I am completely changing my life around including moving out of my dad's house because he mentally abuses me so that I can be a happier person with myself and hopefully use this experience as a start to the turning point to the rest of my life. She still loves and still cares about me and wants me to be happy, but she doesnt know right now if she can forgive me or move on from this experience. for right now she wants to continue to see the changes i have put in place and how that will help be a better person and no go back to how i acted before.

what do you all think?

 

I would back track to the reason you two were breaking up. Something was wrong that caused the break up.

All your changes - moving, therapy, etc. sound like good moves.

 

We were breaking up because I didn't treat here as she deserved to be treated. I was blind and didnt realize how amazing of a person she was. The main reason was that I blew her off for hanging with friends instead and she was fed up with waiting around for me.

Things are different, shes the #1 person in my life and she is all that I think about and most importantly she makes me want to become a better person.

 

Whenever I find myself huddling in a corner, begging forgiveness, I try to keep a thought that was freely givin to me long ago. "Now might be a good time to get really honest with yourself." If I am capable of this simple concept, things seem to work out just fine. If not, I seem to have the uncanny ability to stay exactly as miserable as I choose to be. If there is a problem in my life it is usually me.

 

Uhhh...1st you say she was angry that you weren't treating her the way she's suppose to be treated and then you drunkenly come home and hit her.

I hate to say but that relationship is over, those are two big ass red flags. I understand you sincerely feel apologetic about what happened, but it happened and you must take it as a lesson learned and move on.

Be considered lucky you weren't married, you would be broke as hell in alimony checks.

 

Don't want to sound too harsh but .... Dude, you treat her badly, she breaks it up, then you get drunk and beat her up?

That is despicable.

The best you can do is leave her alone and get a life.

 

Thats just a whole lot of blaming everything else. Oh, its cos I was drunk, cos I was incoherant, its my Daddys fault, its cos I was depressed.

First step would be recognizing you are the only one to blame, you were the one that hit her

If the roles were reversed and she could easily lay into you if things didnt go her way. How would that look like to you

Theres whats right and whats wrong, but seperate from that is simply just what happens. If you go on, and in a couple years time marry another girl, same thing happens, she puts up with it for a while till it gets bad, then all of a sudden bam, has you up on charges, a criminal record, and someone else mentioned alimony cheques, and anyone that ever knew the both of you pidgeon holes you as the wife beater, friends quickly dissapear as do work opportunities if any of this gets known to your work collegues and affects your career path

Try to use lines like its cos Daddy didnt give you enough hugs, a paid therapist will sit there and listen but still try to move to the part where you can change, some friends may sit there and nod not really wanting to bother arguing with you, but no ones going to buy that. And no ones going to give a shit. You are still going to get labelled as the girlfriend/wife beater

And there are parts to that, that dont have anything to do with the missus. Also pidgeon holed by everyone else as the guy that throws a tantrum if put under too much pressure, the guy thats going to blame everyone else when he fucks up, a guy who finds it easy to pick on those smaller than him, but sulky with those bigger. Workwise a walking physical or sexual harrassment suit waiting to happen. Theres a whole cascading effect

Simply because you never bothered faceing up to you, but blaming everyone else. And never really took the time to work out whats really going on in other peoples heads. Theres a whole lot more too it than just coming home drunk one night and slapping your girlfriend