sketchy boyfriend

so ive always hated life and being alive and having to do stuff since i was in preschool. when i was 8, my family found a suicide note i wrote. when i was about 9 i pulled a knife on a sister, just becausae she pissed me off. so ive always been weird in the head...
now that im older (im 19 now) i smoke weed everyday for the last 3 years,ive rolled on e and molly, i take acid pretty frequent, i did shrooms when i was a junior in HS and thats when irealized how fucked up i really am. sometimes i feel like im going to become a killer. its gotten so bad i even told my girlfriend, who prior to me telling her all this already tried to get me into phychotherapy!
do other people walk around with thoughts of killing people? this cant be drug induced completely becayse ever since i was a little kid i thought of myself as one of the "bad guys" like in movies theres goodguys and badguys.
my girlfriend asked me if i ever thought about killing her,andof course i have, but the first time we fucked i remember picturing her head on a stick, so i told her about it. she still wants to be with me, so she either doesnt believe that im warped inside or she truely loves me and wants to help me(which i dont believe because shes cheated on me and lied about it)
sometimes i blame my girlfriend for making me insane, but ive alwayss been twisted inside. i used to have a section in my yard (when i was like 10 years old) where there were fishing hooks and pins and all kinds of shit that were hanging from my fence where i would kill all kinds of bugs and shit and just watch them die on the hooks and burn them away into ashes like they never existed.

SHOULD I SEEK HELP OR IS THIS NORMAL.

 

No....

:-/

 

You are either simply psychotic or perhaps bipolar, although it does not sound like you are bipolar (unless you are leaving out critical symptoms). Definitely needs to be checked out though. I am on Haldol for psychosis and Lithium for bipolar. The only people I have thought about killing in recent years are myself and one other person I thought had done something to me. When I was younger I planned on killing a number of people but ended up never going through with it. The funny thing is, you would never know how messed up I am by looking at me, and people trust me implicitly because I look trustworthy. But yes, my relationship with my wife is much better now that I am on medication. Make an appointment with your general practitioner and have him refer you to a psychiatrist.

 

Please seek help, this is not normal behavior

 

Try www.sociopathworld.com You'll probably feel at home there.

 

Ok man.

you obviously have problems with yourself. sounds to me like you like attention

like in the movies

bad guy is usually some bitchy kid who wants attention, kills someone and then flips out.

man up, occupy your life

 

Hi. I'm a nurse who spent some clinical time in a mental health facility, and your feelings do warrant treatment from a doctor. This is not a personal failing and it's treatable. You can experience relief from these awful feelings if you're ready for honesty and hard work.

The first thing you should do is sit down and write a letter explaining your feelings in a concise, honest manner to your closest friends, family, and girlfriend. Hand them a copy in person, and allow time for questions. If you're up front with the people who love you, they can help you on your journey to wellness.

When you've handed out letters, take an additional copy with a description of your symptoms, or print out your original post, and take this to your doctor. Good luck.

 

seek help dude

 

I guess the point has already been made that you should seek help, but I would like to throw my 2 cents in

psychotherapy just means talk therapy. the word psychotherapy just makes it sound scarier, I think

I think it's normal for people to have some level of violent thoughts, but your experience seems to be pretty extreme

getting some therapy and maybe some medication could make a really huge positive difference in your life

I'm glad that you talked about what's been happening here. you can avert a terrible tragedy by getting some treatment

hope that you feel better soon!

 

I have worked in the mental health profession and i feel you should seek some kind of help before anything escalates find the will to seek help and look after yourself.

 

:frown:

SHOULD I SCREAM TROLL OR WOULD THAT BE TOO OBVIOUS.

 

It'd be funny if you're a troll because I fucking know that life...more or less

For me it fucking horrible imagining my gf dead. I didn't want to, but I thought of it, I love the idea of girl's cut neck spilling blood. I slide my hands softly on her throat and think of all of it. So easy to spill. But it really causes a fissure because I loved my gf you know, If she was dead I could never hold her, tell her my crazy ideas, shoot the shit, she'd never be able to look me in the eyes, calm me down when I get mad. and you go to bed and you love her, you go to bed and you picture her dead.

In high school I sat in bed watching a reel of Eileen being raped by me over and over, night by night. sometimes I relished it, sometimes I'd just be shaking and crying.

I recall waiting in the dorm hallways using a kitchen knife to cut into the doors, wrestling with the desire to open the door and open her veins and watch the life drain out and pool.

When I was in primary school I saw how my classmates and most humans were little shits and I loss all desire to be one of them, to see myself on their level. (of course I had a insane desire to fit in this tension was the fight of my childhood my desire to not be alone and my strong distaste and lack of empathy for the them, my classmates)

I thought I would always be the bad guy. After I started my "relationship" with my younger cousin I lost a lot of myself. I started walking the streets at night with a knife in my pocket waiting for a chance to use it. I broke into a few houses and yada yada, committed arson, fucked things over with a lot of people.

I have a ton to say. if you're real about this. I'm down to talk. I'll tell you this I'm better, defiantly better. That past isn't me, and it has gotten so much better these last 3 years. There's a lot of good a therapist can do and there's a lot of nothing they can do.

IF YOU JUST SKIM THIS BASICALLY I"M BEEN NEAR TO WHERE YOU ARE, AND IF YOU WANT TO TALK JUST PM OF REPLY IN THREAD.

(god i love these forums it's the only time I never have to hide)

 

In case anybody wondered.. and thank you to the people tht were polite and took. Me serious... I do not seek atention. I hate sympathy for me that's why I went to an onlin forum so it would be no atention to peple I know... sorry for misspelling. Anyway..my father went to prison and my girlfriend cheated on me twice and lied about it. There is a lot more to this story but what happened is I slit my wrist twenty times all down my arm and was found by my girlfriend and mother. Since theni have ben to a crisis center about 5 times, once with my girlfriend. I stopped goingbecausemy girlfriend ditches going to them with me so I don't care. I rally do not value life at all and am basically starve myself. I've acepted that I probably will liv my life this w

 

If you believe you're going to live the rest of your life that way then you will. You've only got one life, so why waste it being butt hurt over stuff? Your girlfriend cheated on you, so what? Your fathers in prison, okay? Do you think cutting yourself and making your life worse is going to change anything? You're 19 years old, you've got many years ahead of you and you can live whatever life you want, it's up to you.

 

hmmmmm.
awareness trumps ignorance, and awareness of these thoughts, and that they may not be good, is the first step towards whatever you may consider 'normal'.
however, everyone is different. some people just have a morbid outlook on the world.
then again, you shouldn't pull knives on people, and putting bugs on fishing hooks to watch them die could potentially spiral into something from a Saw movie.
that kind of reminds me of a tool lyric, from the song vicarious.... 'I need to watch things die, from a good safe distance. i need to watch things die, live while the whole world dies'
maybe you should listen to some tool, maybe you can relate with it too.
we're all twisted, just in different shapes. i've got some crazy shit in my head too, everyone does, some repress it, some fear it, some don't even realize that its there.

also, there's a book by stephen king called 'lisey's story' (maybe your girlfriend should read it?)
an authors wife explores the fucked up mind of her deceased husband, and the place where he would go to write what he needed to write. maybe you need some sort of way to express whats in your head. art, writing, who knows, what calls to you?

 

do not waste your time being unhappy, especially if no one cares that you are unhappy. people put so much energy into being sad, and they find it easier to be depressed too, why step outside of something you've always known? because there are other things, other ways of life. everything is so beautiful, and everything is also disgusting. life is balanced that way, and perspective affects the mind greatly.

exactly. 19 years is nothing. your entire lifespan is nothing, still, you are the one experiencing it, so you are the one in charge of how things go, and how you react to things. it might be hard to step outside of your box, but if explore other things, maybe you will realize that you're not alone, your troubles may suck, but there are worse ones, and you are lucky to have realized that you might need help, and you are even luckier to have the resources to find help.

message me, i get you.

 

well of course.

 

I was going to do this, with the letters, but how can i tell my close friends and family i dont like them? i just have so many things that would devastate them, and possibly get me in trouble. thank you for responding seriously to this.

 

well, if you don't like them, are you sure they're close friends and family should love you no matter what!