Girlfriend "cheated", i just need someone to tell me what to do...

Okay so, DISCLAIMER now: This might be a long post, if you reply, and I hope you do cus I'm going out of my mind here please have read the whole post

So, I'm in a relationship with my gf at the moment. We met at the end of Jan, and we see each other pretty much every weekend (shes at uni about an hour and a half away, i drive up to hers). And most of the stuff things are fine, I really really like her.

Let me just say now, this ISN'T a should I/shouldn't I break up with her thread.

I just need someone to tell me what to do.


A few weeks ago she confessed to me that she "had done something bad" which turned out to be sleep with someone else since we had met. It turns out it was maybe 3-4 weeks (i dont remember too well) after we had met, so we had been out, we had slept together. We WEREN'T boyfriend and girlfriend, in my mind we were exclusive, but whatever.

So that was pretty rough hearing that but I honestly believe that people make mistakes, she was drunk, we hadn't known each other long. She has/had (because now we are in a 'relationship') commitment issues before me, of guys really treating her like shit and just for sex. And while I was pretty devastated, I didn't let it ruin things. For the most part I got past it, put it out of my mind, one of those things that happens, what matters now is us and the future.

However

A week or so after that, we are now talking 2 weeks ago I think, it came up again and I was able to piece together some more details of that night. Before, I didnt ask for any details, I think I was right in not wanting to know the details, but now i knew them, i knew who it was and when it was.

Who is was, was a guy she knew from her last summer in Fiji. They had a sexual history out there, not all the way, but fooling around and so him and her other Fiji friends had come up to visit her one weekend, and it has happened then.

The when it was, was like I thought, about 3 weeks after we met, but it was the night before she was due to see me. The friday before I came up for the weekend or something, which is something that is hugely getting to me.

Let me say right now, I'm a guy who just, could never cheat on someone. I'm just not wired that way. I know mistakes happen, especially when drunk, and those were the excuses I told myself for her, but I just couldnt do that, ESPECIALLY all the way to sex. I can't ever see myself getting through all the making out, fooling around, undressing, putting a condom on, without thinking "oh wait, im actually with someone".

So when she says to me, it was an accident, and it didn't mean anything, I totally believe her, but then HOW COULD IT HAPPEN!!!! (i scream in my head)

Like I said, I don't want to break up with her over this. This did happen in the past, it did mean nothing, I totally believe that. But I can't GET OVER IT.

I hope i'm making sense....

And for the most part its fine, but I just get a thought in my head for one second and it snowballs and I'm filled with so much rage/embarassment/nausea/hatred(for him)/disgust/sadness that its really hard to bear

Did they make out first, then go back to hers? Did they foreplay for long? How did he compare to me? How did she not think of me while all this was going on? They were at hers, I know they used a condom, did he have one? Or did they use hers? Only she would know where they are? Did she get it out? Give it to him? Put it on? Thats inviting him to fuck her. Did he have his own? Did he put it on? Did she just lay her, so drunk and let it happen? What happened after? Did they cuddle? Did he sleep in her bed where I sleep? Did he stroke her face like I do? How could ALL that happen, without her thinking, "oh wait....im with someone"....


EDIT: I don't know what my question is, part of this is just a rant, part of it is just, "what do you make of all this?" Its just a 'what can I do?' Has anyone stayed with someone after there was a cheating incident and how did you cope with it? How can I come to terms with this in my head? :S

 

not sure what your question is?

 

Find someone like yourself. She aint it.

I know you didn't want a answer like that buy guess what - fuck you - I"m not enabling your bad life decisions.

 

No one fucks anyone by accident. Anyone who tries to tell you that they fucked someone on accident is a liar. It's possible to regret fucking someone later. It's possible to try to psychologically distance yourself from a decision that you made by creating and perpetuating the false notion that you accidentally had sex with someone, but - drunk or not - (and I'll repeat) NO ONE ACCIDENTALLY FUCKS ANYONE. It's not like she was walking around naked and slipped on a banana peel and fell onto an erect penis. That's like saying I accidentally murdered someone by hitting them in the head with an anvil. What you do now is up to you (obviously). I mean you're kind of wishy washy with the whole "we had just started seeing each other". Did you agree to be monogamous prior to this? Do you suspect that she'll do it again? If you suspect she will, then you don't trust her (she may or may not be trustworthy, but that doesn't really matter) and if you don't trust her, don't get involved with her. It's impossible to be happy in a romantic relationship (or any relationship for that matter) without trust. If you don't care about possibly being betrayed in the future, then do nothing and wait for it to happen. It might, or it might not - or maybe you'll "accidentally" fuck somebody when you're 47 years old and have 2.5 kids under your belt. The emotions you're experiencing are the same emotions that an alpha male bull moose feels when some other strange bull moose comes sniffing and sticking his dick around his moose harem. Men kill each other every day of the week over this base instinct. Evolve, or embrace your primitive self and become an unwitting sperm donor. Don't ask me which is better, because I haven't the faintest fucking idea.

 

Sorry, I didn't read your whole thread like you requested, just the final paragraph.

I've had two girlfriends who cheated on me. First time I stayed with her for a few more months, and it was awful. I couldn't get it out of my mind, and I cheated on her with a couple of girls just to get back at her. Extremely dysfunctional, ended when I developed feelings for one of the girls I was getting back at her with.. Who became my second gf.

With her, when I found out, I ended it immediately. I knew I could never function in a relationship with someone who had cheated on me. It also made me extremely wary of girls who would cheat with me; if she'll cheat with you, she'll cheat on you.

How can you come to terms with it in your head? I don't know, I couldn't. I can't imagine anyone could, except for someone who didn't have any self respect or sense of self worth.

 

learn to make your own decisions maybe? not ask strangers what to do? dont listen to me.

 

i am going to tell you my story, maybe it will help.
so i'm in a serious relationship and i love my boyfriend so so so much, and he feels the same way.
but when we started going out, i kissed another guy once. and later i told my bf, and he was very upset. BUT as with you, we were not exclusive, and that is a crucial point! granted, we hadn't had sex yet, and i didn't have sex with the other guy, but basically, i didn't want a relationship then, i just wanted to have some fun because i had very little experience, that is why we were not exclusive, so i didn't cheat on him because we were not together and i didn't want a relationship. later we ended up together and i fell in love with him. i guess he was just ahead of me in that matter.
so, i'm not sure if you can relate to that... but you know.. maybe she didn't want a relationship with you then as either. and if you weren't exclusive, she didn't really cheat. (answering the question ''HOW COULD IT HAPPEN?'' )
so if this is the case, just understand that she was in a different stage.
with that being said, i would never ever cheat on my boyfriend now, or even shortly after we did become exclusive.. i've never cheated on anybody in my life.
i don't know your gf, so i don't know if she is trustworthy or not, or if she has these morals.

 

and i agree with jimmy, i would never trust somebody that cheated on me.
but, you only you know how serious things between you and her were back then, so if you weren't bf/gf yet, i don't know..

 

she was never your girlfriend....dont be a fish....lose her asap

 

Theres plently of fish in the sea drop the girl

 

it's relatively honest of her to have told you about what happened

thank her for telling you, then call her a whore and dump her bitch ass.

get a new girlfriend that you don't have to commute so far to see. you'll be happier

 

Do what you want with the relationship but you should accept who she really is based on her behavior and not her slick talk. She fucked a guy knowing you were coming to see her and though that's not so terrible if you weren't exclusive it still says something about how she gets down dude.

What if you never went exclusive, would she be bangin you and the guy at work and the guy she used to work with and her brothers friend before she felt like she had too many dudes in her sex life?

You don't have to start acting like an angry jerk toward her but for god sakes man stop buying into her innocent act. I can tell by the way you talk you are the romantic type of guy that really feels something when he is into a chick. Don't let that side of yourself blind you.

As for that shit in your head, you need to stop thinking about it and let it go. It's very unhealthy. It won't go away for as long as you are with her. It will get better but it will never go away. You can go on to have a good relationship too but every now and then that shit will creep in and fuck with you.

 

If she says she "did something bad" then she wasn't under the impression that you and her were not yet dating. She knew what she was doing was injurious to you and did it anyway. Flee.

 

that's a very good point. i didn't notice that part, if she considers it bad, she's probably a cheater... that sucks. she's probably going to get drunk again, and you don't know what's going to happen. you should leave...
all the best

 

Being drunk to fuck is the sorryist excuse to cheat dump the whore.

 

She didn`t cheat on you. But, it probably indicates an incompatibility. And, the whole "I was drunk" thing is a huge turn off.

I was an alcoholic for 10 years of my life. I`ve gotten into fights blacked out, I`ve ridden the train passed out amidst morning commuters from The Bronx to Coney Island and back. I`ve been stolen from, arrested, etc. I`ve drunk all my rent repeated times.

All while blacked out. Never have I cheated due to alcohol.

BUT, I did do something similar to what your girlfriend has done. At the beginning of my relationship with my ex-wife, I was seeing someone else. And I felt like a cheater, although later on my ex absolved me of culpability since we weren`t committed.

Still, she`s my ex for reasons of monogamy. Hence, my first paragraph.

 

Okay lots of interesting and varied responses, thanks.

I'm not gonna ignore any of them; I said I wasn't interested in breaking up with her, but I haven't ignored those of you who said to, just taken it on.

EDIT: When I think about what i wrote here, it really sounds like I'm making excuses for her...am i?

I don't think it was an accident. She was drunk and so uninhibited, and heres a guy coming onto her, who she used to fool around with way back when, and here she is now around all those people and here he is, and shes drunk.

Do I think she'll do it again? Not deliberately.

She was and is so apolagetic, i believe her when she tells me shes crazy about me and is so happy with me and that it will never happen again...deliberately. But the thing is, I'm sure she didnt plan on it happening before but it did...

I honestly believe she wouldnt hurt me again intentionally, but it happened once.

So its like, I trust her, but I don't trust her... Isn't there an element of risk in every relationship? Theres always a small chance that something COULD happen.

 

you did not get any ''varied'' responses ...you got 14 of the same response...

 

Hmmm guess you're right...ish. But the other comments alongside all the "drop that whore" ones offered their own perspectives i guess.

I am a little shocked however. Like, there must be some cases out there were something like this has happened, the other person was like "Hey, people fuck up" forgiven them, and just got on with things and lived happily every after...

 

While some people can 'forgive and FORGET ' , your post indicates that you cannot. Not being judgemental of you, but reality is what it is... this will haunt your relationship with her as long as you are together. Time to sick it up and move on....