Not Sharing. Not being the bodhisattvas.

This weekend, I found myself not being honest to someone seeking psychedelics. I just said I don't have anything or know where to get any. She's someone I've known for 20 years on and off, and I think psychedelics would probably help her in a way.

She recently quit drinking, and she quit opiods a little before that. She also said she can get great weed now ("Kush and all that"), which I was tempted to take her up on, but also lied about that and said I don't smoke anymore. I just drink now, I said.

She is pretty childish, and I don't like her much personally. She's also a drug seeker, and probably wanted psychedelics to fill the void of her boozing and OC snorting. So I could convince myself that I was doing it for her own good. But, I also think it would probably be good for her, since I believe psychedelics almost always are.

I have shared 2c-e, mushrooms, and even DMT with her about 4 years ago. She and her husband wasted the DMT by not following directions, which kind of pissed me off. They did love the 2c-e and shrooms though. I might have given her salvia too, since she mentioned that I did this weekend, but she might have been confused with DMT. (She has been generous to me in the past.)

So...I feel kind of bad. I have turned a lot of people on, and like to be a psychedelic bodhisattva, but something just stopped me in this case. Maybe it's because she likes to talk a lot, so I'm a little worried about my privacy.

I remember feeling like I was on the other side of a similar situation when I was in HS, and a older hippy got me some very good red heart blotter. I told him some of my experiences, including my friend freeking out at a CS&N concert and having to leave when he took two, and probably a few other inappropriate things, like the fact that we drove home or took it at school. I didn't realize how that might be frowned upon. From then on, when I asked him, he would always say he couldn't find any more acid. I got the impression he didn't think I was worthy.

I find myself more and more keeping psychedelics to myself, and I'm often in a situation where I have to lie to do that. I feel kind of like an eletist, and wonder why I should decide who gets the info or the substance just because I happen to have it.

I don't know why I'm posting this, except to get some of you to say it's okay. I guess I can rationalize it by knowing that if she really wanted something, she could do the leg work I've done over the last 5-6 years (since my psychedelic revival), and get her own connections and knowledge. But, I also feel like I could have helped her at least get pointed in the right direction, which I didn't do.

 

If you feel like you had your reasons like you do I think there is no need to feel guilty over it

 

I want to say that you should have helped her out, because I would like for people to help me out if I was in need. Golden rule and all that.

But at the same time, I know that if it was someone I didn't really like, especially if I was worried they might go telling other people, I would not hook them up.

As you alluded to, if she really wants something, she can find it on her own. That's what most of us had to do, I believe. LSD is extremely hard to get both where I live and in my home country, yet I have been able to find people who would sell it (and in rare cases, give it) to me. It wasn't easy, but worthwhile, and I think the fact that it was a bit of a process to get hold of made me value it all the more.

 

I'm pretty tight lipped about it myself. There are few I come across that seem like they are in the right place, right time, right mindset, maturity, etc. Very few. These are tools. Isn't part of being a bodhisattva knowing who to give what to? Somehow I don't interpret it as "you have to share your psychedelics/drugs with anyone who shows interest in them". Not even close. Maybe the good thing to do here is not to share it with people you know you can't trust with them, therefore helping psychedelics as a whole help more people by staying under the radar in the right places, and becoming more legitimate in others. I used to think we should give them to everyone, now I realize that most people wouldn't want them, most people would be quite disappointed if you took the machine away from them.

 

Keeping psychedelics to yourself isn't really a big deal, resorting to lying may be more of a problem.

 

There are so many things one could comment on in the OP and subsequent posts!

Pretty bold to think of oneself as a boddhisatva, but there it is. I'm one, too - back-sliding, imperfectly, incompletely, and my wife would say, "uh-huh," but still.

As GB says, "Keeping psychedelics to yourself isn't really a big deal, resorting to lying may be more of a problem." That's true to a point, but we're talking about felonies here and the road is perilous and many are lost along the way. In an ideal world, we would be honest with everyone - and we'd all be higher if we did, but "privacy" is essential. My brother has started asking me to come along to psytrance gatherings in the woods and I'm not being honest with him on this deal because he has a big mouth and is too dramatic (and knows a lot of the wrong people like bikers, boozers, etc.).

PG, it's like if I know I can't trust a person, why should I turn around and trust her or him with very serious stuff?

"Psychedelic revival," eh. I like that. My psychedelic revival began 4-5 years ago and is unfolding beautifully. Huge Gratitude! and Huge Thanks! to all who played a part in it.

 

I think I might have pinpointed the issue as being that I am making up for mistakes made in the past.
If I never shared anything with her, which I probably shouldn't have, then I wouldn't have to lie now because she wouldn't be asking. My motivation of sharing information and substances with her were not completely noble, and partly related to getting weed, having a place to trip, and showing off, as much as is was about passing on the psychedelic vision.

At this point, I think I'm safer lying unless I were willing to actually stop using or at least stop possessing psychedelics all together. So, I guess I'll have to fib a little because of my past indiscretion, and when I have to I will try to think of it as a learning experience and a reminder of the mistakes I made. I guess the right thing would be to really stop for a while...but I don't see that happening.

There are probably a few other people who I was a little too open to, and I may have to backtrack with others in the future.

I don't consider myself a boddhisatva in the real sense...only in the psychedelic sense where sharing can help others experience the joy.

My psychedelic revival is going really nicely too (except this issue), and I have to give thanks too! I had stopped tripping for so long, and was brought back into the fold when I heard about Salvia of all things. Then cactus to mushrooms to DMT and other things you can obtain on your own. Then to festivals to meet people to get acid, and on to RCs. It's been a long road, and everything I've learned that has enabled me to do it has been through people who are willing to share information. So, I will continue to try to pay back, but much more carefully than I have in the recent past.

 

"Incompletely noble..." The story of some lives. Isn't it something to have a clue about noble, to have glimpsed the Truth, like in that old song...

When you find out who you are,
Beautiful beyond your dreams

Unimaginably beautiful. Who would have even thought of these things, much less that I would experience them?!

10-15 years ago, in my weekly Bible study group someone said, "Who feels noble these days." It was a declarative statement, not a question, but I answered it: I do (sometimes). At that moment I was thinking about the day before, standing, freezing my ass off in the entrance to some run down inner-city apartments where refugees lived, waiting to lend a hand to a woman with cancer. And I was there because I'd taken LSD years before and had had the we all are One vision.

I'm keeping the term psychedelic revival in mind. Pretty cool that my revival was similar to yours and I'm sure others, sans salvia, haha. But the cactus (urp), DMT, RCs, festies and so on pretty much the same. Now I'm helping put on psy gatherings. Far-fucking-out.

 

I have a weird question... If you are truly honest with yourself, do you think there's a possibility that you just plain old don't like her as a person and you don't really want to help her out because of that? I kind of get that vibe from your original post. If this is the case, then you MUST help her out. Especially if you think she could greatly benefit from it. No matter who she is or what she has done, if you think that this is something that can help her close the chapter on the addictions she has been struggling with for years, imagine how wrong it would be to keep this from her!

If you are concerned about safety, what about helping her from behind the scenes? Do you know some kind of third party that could help her out without letting her know you are involved? Could you think up of some way to play with fate so that psychs cross her path?

 

Although she pisses me off a lot, I still love her. She's like a sister to me in a lot of ways. If I just didn't like her, it probably wouldn't be an issue.

It's mostly that she always asks me about it in front of people at inappropriate times, and I'm sure she likes to talk a lot. I think she feels everyone knows she is reckless and a drug user, so she doesn't care who hears...but I do. (We have common people in our lives who don't understand or use drugs other than alcohol. I didn't really want to get into details, but she asked me in front of relatives and in-laws.....for some strange reason, and brought up past things. I'd been drinking, so I'm not really sure who heard what. I'm sure she would say no one heard.)

About 4 years ago when I was growing mushrooms, I stopped mainly because she (and a few others) knew about it and shared the information with people I didn't know. Again, mistakes I made in the past telling her and others. Especially when she got hooked on OCs, I didn't trust the people she hung out with, since I think they were mostly after her money.

I guess if she asks again in an appropriately private setting, I could point her towards some RCs, so she could get them herself. She really liked 2ce one time I helped her out a couple years ago. But, I've decided that I can't give her anything again or tell her about my use. It's too risky. (Most of our common friends really stopped hanging with her when she started going through OC80x5/day and still don't trust her.)

(Believe me, I really wanted to when she said the word "Kush." I really have a problem controlling my weed urges. But, it's just best to keep my distance from her in regards to drug use.)

 

OH man do I ever hear you on that. I was growing mushrooms too for a while, and I couldnt believe how idiotic people are with the talking. I told one or two people, and the next thing I knew, people whom I barely knew were sending me messages ON MY PHONE AND OVER THE INTERNET!!! ''Hey man, I hear you are growing shrooms, can you hook me up?''

Just thinking about it makes my blood boil so yeah, I understand and support your decision, it's too risky. People are reckless.

About the weed thing, it surprises me how hard it is to find weed down there sometimes... where I am from, there is ALWAYS good weed around. No matter what time of year.

 

shivaya, do you just mean "down there" as in america? just wondering where you live PG, that you can't get a steady weed supply.

i know what you mean though, i have traded 2ce and even precious LSD for weed before...and regretted it for the LSD, even though i got a good deal.

i've also shared 2ce with one particular individual (maybe a little L too), would was into oxy. he was barely an acquaintance, but we became tripping buddies, and soon i gave him a few 2ce doses to take home. he ended up dosing his girlfriend via snorting, and just generally seemed pretty irresponsible. after not hearing from him for months, he lets me know he just got outta jail for a possession charge, and was wondering if i know where to get any 2ce. "nah, dude...sorry"

i've also been a bit too "loose" with who i share psychedelics with. i'm just so gung-ho about tripping that i expect all my friends to be as well. my bachelor party comes to mind (one friend had a terrible trip confronting all his life's misdeeds, another had a mini seizure, both on 4acodmt, after excessive drinking). my wife is another one who isn't really cut out for tripping, but has tripped with me several times (probably mostly to make me happy, not that i begged her or anything, she just knows i would love it).

i would say at least a good 60% of the people i "turn on" end up with a positive outcome. probably more. then there are the one who i dose, and they end up teaching me

 

I'm not sure why I never get the good hookup. Lately I've had easy access to mids (no seeds, pretty nice taste but a little harsh). But really good kush or similar would involve a long drive to a friend out of state. I have a conflicted relationshiip with weed, so it's probably for the best.

I know there's plenty near me since there are a few colleges close by, but I guess I'm just not in the right circles right now, and I'm really private with most new friends. They probably all smoke weed, but we don't talk about it. My old friends right now are satisfied with the mids, and have a relatively new good source, so they aren't looking beyond that. One of my friends actually still mostly smokes brick weed because she gets it as payment for a cleaning job. It's kind of sad. If I could get it, I'd smoke too much anyway.

 

Yeah porky I meant in 'merica. Guess I can't generalize... I'm sure theres places in Canada that dont get good weed too. I guess I'm blessed when it comes to that.

I dont even know what I'm smoking. It's just dank and delicious. I have a quarter that I bought like 6 months ago that I only keep when I have absolutely nothing to do for the next few hours. It's almost too much.