To brake up or not to brake up, that is the question

*Edit* used the wrong "brake" in the little, but whatever i don't know how to change it lol

This thought has been pondering my mind for months now, off and on... sometimes i feel as if i want to be with her forever, yet other times i feel as if i want to be with her... never? But i never actually break up with her, knowing my mind will change once again! I need to make a decision... Here are the pro's and con's of our relationship, in my opinion.

Pros:

• She's beautiful and looks amazing
• She's very innocent (doesn't drink or smoke or swear, and i like that about a girl)
• She's the nicest more caring person i've ever met (except she feels bad for people way to easily, so i'm unsure if this is good or bad)
• She's extremely smart, an A+ student
• She's always there to talk to, she's the one person i can tell anything/everything too

Cons:

• Extremely indecisive
• Very gullable and believes everything people tell her
• She never includes me in anything (even though i don't really like her friends to begin with, but that's not the point lol)
• She's always upset, which is weird because on the outside she seems like this perfect amazing nice peppy person that's always happy, yet she's always depressed... and only i know this about her
• She's always afraid to ask her parents if she can see me or hang out with me (which i find to be kind of insulting... but then again, she's afraid of a lot of things..)
• Lately she's been getting on my nerves
• our conversations are starting to bore me
• She seems a little selfish, i help her with her problems and give her advice on a daily basis, yet we never talk about my problems (except this is my choice) but on the rare ocasion when i do talk about my problems, she never knows how to help...
• And she's very cheap, i buy her nice things for her birthday/christmas and randomly all the time, yet she's never really boughten me anything (i don't really care much about getting stuff though, i don't even really like getting gifts, but that's not the point... its the fact that she doesn't care enough to get something in the first place in my opinion)
• and a major one... i can't actually tell her everything because she really doesn't like it that i do drugs, she gets upset whenever i bring up the subject of weed or psychedelics... and that upsets me because that's a big part of my life that i enjoy, i would love to be able to tell her about my trips and what i've been through and done and the spiritual gains of it all and just share this knowledge with the one i love.... but whenever i try to bring it up she stops talking and gets all upset, its really annoying... She always says how "don't worry i'm fine with it now" but then if i try to talk about it she'll get all upset and be like "okay sorry i guess i'm not fine with it" like wtf? i told her i smoked week like.. at least 8 or 9 months ago, and she still gets upset about it!

There's probably more... but that's all i can think of at the moment... I'm afraid to break up with her though, i dunno, she seems a little unstable firstly, she is crazy inlove with me and she gets emotional and cries like crazy just when i'm not talking much to her, so imagine what it would be like if i broke up with her? She's a really nice person... except she's always depressed and that makes me depressed and i just don't want to put up with it, i've been dealing with this for over a year now...

But at the same time i also don't want to break up with her because i've never known anyone as well as i know her, i know everything about her (which also might make things a little boring?) but if i break up with her... i'll have nobody to talk to, she's the only one i talk to literally 24/7 for the past 2 years now (even though we've only been going out for 1 year) so... it will be so weird to no longer have her to talk to! i don't know who else i would start talking to... I honestly don't really like talking to anyone but her, i'm not a very social person...

I do love her still, but i'm always upset or angry or just not wanting to talk to her a lot of the days, just because of all the things i listed about her... I used to feel like this occasionally, but it always ended up going away... but now it's like the opposite, i always feel like this, except sometimes i feel happy with her but that always ends up going away... But maybe it's not her? Maybe it's just me? I dunno... Fuck it lol, what should i do? I literally can't make this decision on my own... I'm a little indecisive myself i guess...

 

you can't base this decision on whether or not she'll be able to handle a break-up, you need to base it on yourself. do what you think is best for you in the long-run, even if it's going to hurt her for a while.

 

Sounds like the first con on the list is something you guys both suffer from.

If she is your age, she is supposed to be gullible. It's one of the charms of youth. As long as it comes from kindness, and not stupidity, it will wear off.

The not including you does sound a bit unfair. Tell her you'd like to be invited to her stuff?

If she is always upset but only you know this aspect of her personality, it sounds like she trusts you enough to be herself around you. A rare thing. Perhaps try to help her overcome her depression?

What is her background? If she is Asian for example, parental approval is very important. Does she ever not hang out with you because she's too afraid to ask for permission? If not, this doesn't really seem like it matters.

What do you mean she's been getting on your nerves? Do you find her annoying? My gf has a unique ability to piss me off and upset me, but it's only because I care about her and I expect a lot more from her than other people.

Do your conversations bore you, or does she? Seems like a minor point tbh, there's always stuff coming up that's worth talking about. More important is, are you comfortable not talking with her? As in, just hanging out without having to say something? Or does she yammer on incessantly about boring shit?

Men and women are different. Men have a problem, they want to solve it. Women have a problem, they want to talk about it. They specifically don't want a solution, which is what we men always try to give them, but they never listen because they just wanted to vent. Also remember that everyone expresses affection differently (the 5 languages of love; gifts, words, actions, time, touch)

Has she never bought you anything, or has she never gotten you anything? Significant difference there.

Edit: The drugs. This is a tricky one. A lot of relationships have been ruined over them.
Like you, I like my drugs. Hell, I love them, weed and psychedelics specifically. Has she ever tried any? Does she mind your use? IMO, communication is again key. Make sure she knows in no uncertain terms that these substances are important to you and have afforded you personal growth. She might have her own reasons for hating on the drugs. But you don't want to be in the position where you need her permission, or even worse, she's telling you not to do them. If she can't accept you for who you are, is it worth compromising who you are? (This all assumes your drug use is reasonable and moderate)

Ok, those are the cons covered.

As for your pros, you've got physical attraction, intelligence, trust, another thing that appeals to you, and kindness/caring, which you're not sure about if it's important or not. It's very important. No reason you should trust me, but trust me. If you are even remotely considering a real future with this girl, you will want the mother of your children to be kind and caring.

I went through a similar dilemma last year where I knew I had to make a choice to commit to my girl properly or give her the chance to find someone who would. I realized letting her go would be the dumbest move I ever made.

The difference is of course, you are still very young. I had the luxury of being 26 when I met my gf, and I had enough experience with life, women and relationships to be able to really appreciate and recognize a good one.

At the end of the day bro, you gotta consider first and foremost: Could you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her? If that is completely out of the question, then it might be better to end it quickly than draw it out.

If you do see a possible future with her that you would enjoy, then maybe you should stick it out for a while and see how it goes. Or you could honor the trust between you and put it to her. This would be very risky of course, but one of the most important lessons I've learned is that honesty makes life a whole hell of a lot simpler.

 

I have tried to help her overcome her depression many many times, about a year or so ago she would tell me how upset she was and what was wrong every single day, and every night i would spend hours upon hours trying to make her feel better, and by the end of the night she always did. But as months went on, this went on, and it was the same thing every single night, and whenever i asked her what was wrong she would say "i don't know" and it really seemed like she didn't know, and after a year or so of this it got really annoying, and now she doesn't really tell me why she's upset anymore because i really don't know how to help her anymore, we say the same things every time, except now she just hides it or doesn't bring it up anymore because she knows it'll just make it worse.

She's white, and has pretty much the same background as me, except her parents might be a little more protective and strict (mine have been divorced since i was little so i never really grew up with any strict rules, at all) and her being afraid to ask does affect us being together. There have been many nights where she was supposed to come over to my house, but at the last minute she'll tell me she can't come because she's afraid to ask her parents, then she'll get upset and cry for the rest of the night and hate herself for not asking, and i can't really bring myself to feel any sympathy for that because i don't understand why she doesn't ask... her parents are extremely nice, her mom seems like the hippie-type even and her dads some easy going chef guy, it's all in her head i think...

It's just the conversations that bore me usually... because when she's upset, she doesn't talk much at all.. and when she does talk its usually quite repetitive and boring, and she's upset a lot... then i get in a non-talking mood aswell because i just get annoyed with her and no longer want to talk as well...

But then again, when she's not upset and finally happy, we are able to talk endless for hours and hours and have the best time ever, so it really all depends on her mood.

Well, she's never bought me anything but she does make me little "letters" as gifts, which honestly i actually prefer! don't get me wrong, i'm not materialistic at all, i prefer getting a nice letter or home-made gift from her instead, it's just the point behind it... Like every birthday/holiday she's ever had that i've known her i've written her a heart-felt letter, bought her chocolates, and another expensive gift ontop of both those. Except when it's my birthday or during any other holiday she simply just writes a letter and nothing else, and every time she's like "i'm so sorry i didn't get you anything! i feel so bad! but i wasn't able too " which doesn't make sense... because firstly, she has a job.. so she has money.. she also has her license and a car.. so she can drive places! whereas me... i don't have a job, i don't have my full license yet, and i don't have a car... yet no matter what i do everything i can to make sure i get her something every single time

it's not that i want a gift, its just the thought and effort that goes behind getting one, she says she isn't able to, yet i'm even less "able" too yet i get her one every time.

She's never tried any before, she's never even drank alcohol before! she's very innocent and pure in every way pretty much... I've offered her to try weed once because she said she was interested in it, but she had to go ahead and over analyze it and spent months and months discussing it and changing her mind constantly... saying how she wanted to do it yet wasn't comforetable with me doing it? and she just went overboard with thinking about it... then finally i just had enough and was like "you can just forget about this whole thing, trying weed is supposed to be a happy fun time, somebody offers and you accept/don't accept... you don't spend months analyzing it..." so i told her i no longer wanted to try it with her at this time because it was just awkward and weird now... she she got really upset about that...

but recently i offered her again to try a psychedelic, 4-aco-dmt... she seemed a little more comforetable with this (maybe just because she didn't want me saying no again, like with the weed) but that was weeks ago.. i'm actually going to ask her one last time today, and if she's not willing to try it by saturday then the deals off again, i'm sick of waiting around for months for her to make a decision...

I agree with all of this, i could honestly see being with her for the rest of my life, we are both very similar (yet very different) we both want the same exact things in life in our future, which we've talked about many times, i think she would be an amazing wife and the perfect mother and she's really fun to be around (except for when she's upset, if she could just overcome this little "depression" thing everything would be 100x better...)

But the thing is... she's my first "real" girlfriend... i really love her and want to be with her forever... but at the same time, i don't want to be with just 1 girl my entire life? If that makes sense... like, i wish i met her when i was a little older instead, because now if i'm with her forever i'll never have that oprotunity to be with any other girl and experiment, and i'm all for experimenting... especially since i'm going to be backpacking across europe within the next year or so, and she most likely wont be coming because she's going to be in university still... But i'm completely against cheating and would never do that to her, so it kind of sucks that i met her so early on in life... I think she's a good girl to have in later stages of life, after i've matured a little more... she's definatly a lot more mature... she's anti-drugs, going to university, thinking about the future... whereas me, i love to experiment with drugs, i want to travel, i want to be free, i'm taking a year off school, i just want to go out and live pretty much...

 

take her cons , that you wrote and start acting to her , her character .
she will see what is she like , and second most people don't know when they are in relationship. Have to change and be more patient , because the other have needs and thinking to .She has to know that , feel it . And you are very different from some aspects , you have to accept it . She is ''traditional'' .

 

Honestly, I think you guys sound like you'd make better friends than boyfriend and girlfriend right now.

She's got some personal self-exploring to do, and part of me is wondering if she suffers from an anxiety disorder.

It's also possible there is negative stress that is feeding her depression, and I know for a fact that sometimes when a girl hangs out with a very judgmental and materialistic group of girlfriends, the peer pressure can get to a girl who wants to fit in but doesn't agree personally with the cliche's majority consensus.

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As for the drugs, it's a big issue, and she is probably afraid of taking something that is going to harm herself or you, whom she has a lot of emotional security in.

If I were her, I would have this nagging fear in the back of my mind that the drugs are going to take you away from my life one day; that constant fear would really plague me.

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Have you guys been physically intimate or has this line not yet been crossed?

 

I can really relate to this. Yeah, you will likely question a lot whether missing out on all those young & single experiences is worth it. If she hasn't been with anyone else, I think it could be. If she had slept with more people than you, then I know from my experience that it would probably bother you a lot.

I also had a girlfriend who was depressed for a long time. It was very tedious in the long run, and while you can help her get over it, it's mainly something she needs to work on herself. It does sound like she has a real issue there, not telling you what's wrong - or worse, telling the truth and she doesn't even know what is bothering her.

Maybe you should propose that you guys become "just friends" for a while, especially while you are backpacking. Solo backpacking and having to refuse girls will really suck; I traveled with a chick for a week or so who had a boyfriend but they had agreed before she left that she would do what she wanted along her trip, he just didn't wanna know about it. You will have more chances to hook up with random chicks than ever during your travel, esp when you travel solo.

If you do want to keep trying with her, it would probably be of great benefit to the both of you if you communicate a lot of this stuff to her.

It's gonna be a tough call man, best of luck to you.

 

That's true, but her fears are repetitive and endless even though we've had many many conversations about them, i've told her every single detail about every drug i've done, how often i do them, what they do/how they work, pretty much everything... yet she still doesn't and understand and goes on to say how she doesn't like it or is afraid of "where it will eventually lead too" as if she thinks i'm going to become some drug addict? which annoys me, because that's kind of insulting in a way, i'm pretty smart and responsible when it comes to drugs and i've never even done anything that could possibly be physically addictive, so i just don't think she'll ever get used to the drugs, she gets upset whenever they come up in a conversation.

But it's not like i'll be doing drugs my entire life, i'm a teenager, of course i'm going to do drugs, i'll probably continue to do them as a young adult too, but the odds are i'll most likely stop once i'm older and have a family so maybe it's not a huge deal breaker that she gets upset over them?

And yes we've been physically intimate quite a few times

Well she's never slept with anyone else before or even had any other boyfriend, i'm her first boyfriend as well. Although i technically did have another girlfriend, but that was in like grade 6 so i don't really count that... i was to young then for it to be a real relationship... and i've had a few girls ask me out before which i've rejected, so technically i have more experience with other girls than she does with guys, as i'm her first boyfriend/first guy to ask her out.

And exactly, her being depressed and upset all the time is a huge issue, and the main problem is she rarely knows why she's upset! Which ends up making her even more depressed... It seems as if she can't find the issue, then i begin to not really want to talk to her because if she's always depressed doesn't that kind of mean i'm unable to make her happy in a way? And i'm never sure if her saying "i don't know why i'm upset" is just some excuse so she doesn't have to tell me it's because of me? I'm not sure though, it's just what i assume at times.

And i would attempt telling her we should be just friends for a while... except, i don't she how she would handle that, she'd probably flip out... a few months back i suggested that we take a break and maybe stop talking for a few days (because we talk every single day every hour of the day, and it was getting repetitive for me) and she flipped out and cried and got extremely upset... so asking to "just be friends" would be way worse i bet, and i don't know if she'd take me back after that, and if she did it might be really awkward...

But the Europe thing is really difficult... i was supposed to go with her actually, because she was supposed to take the year off university too... but in the end she ended up being to afraid to tell her parents (like always...) that she wanted to take the year off, which really made her upset because she really wanted to do this with me! but i don't really feel sympathy for her missing this experience because i don't get why she doesn't just tell her parents? it's her own loss i guess... she's always to afraid to do anything, whereas i'm the complete opposite...

So either i go without her (i think if i go without her our relationship will be over) or i wait around until next summer once again so she'll be out of school... we'll have to wait and see i guess, i don't plan on leaving without her for another 6months or so anyways, maybe we won't even be together by then anyways...

I think i'm going to remain going out with her and just see what happens... because there's so many ups and downs, like today it seemed as if we were both having the best time ever, but then other times it's really weird and awkward in a way because i know she's upset yet i don't really know why... so we both tend to not talk

 

I was wondering what this had to do with cars...

 

Well this is the more safe course of action you could take. I don't blame you, but in choosing this course of action you must not resent her for making you feel trapped. (Trapped from seeking life's opportunities academically or career wise, or trapped from pursuing other relationships, or trapped in her emotional fog).

I'm concerned this anxiety from these circumstances is building up inside you until you explode at her, which would also have the same affect if you just broke up with her now.

From your posts, it sounds like you still care about her in some way but the question that needs to be asked is "Is it the same kind of love you had for her in the beginning. If it's not then that does warrant a breakup, and the real reason you aren't breaking up with her now is because you're scared for her mental well being in the way that a friend would be protective and concerned for a best friend.

You've got to explain to her that you need to work on this communication problem, and possibly recommend counseling otherwise it's going to be self destructive to both of you.

How old are you guys? Be aware that it's quite possible her feelings are also do to a natural hormonal imbalance all teenagers go through + the natural growing up anxiety all people go through when they try to figure out what they want and where they belong as they adjust to the adult world.

 

This is true.

At the same time, OP should consider why this behavior continues...... It's obviously working for her because she keeps doing it.

Talk about this with her-and don't be her bitch and just not talk about it because she gets stressed,. You need to tell HER these problems, and help if you can, or dump her, but half-assing it will fuck you both over.

She's emotionally running you. She probably doesn't know, but it's fucking you both.

 

I still do care for her and love her very much, but of course it's not the same as it was when we first started going out/talking, but i think that's the same with every relationship. When we first started of course i was a little more excited to talk to her, had a lot more to say, we were both learning more about each other. But now, as we've been going out for a year and really good friends for two years, we pretty much know everything about each other and so of course it's not as exciting seeing as how there's not much new to learn but i still enjoy talking to her, it's almost better this way because it's as if we can talk about anything now.

And i'm not only not breaking up with her for her own sake, i also fear as if i might regret it if i break up with her myself as well. Because there are so many good times i have with her, the only reason we're having issues is because she gets depressed which in a way makes me depressed and i get sick of feeling like that, but i don't even think she's fully aware of these's issues.

And we're both about the same age, i'm 18 and she's 17 but i'm only a few months older than her, same grade

And as for people telling me i should communicate and tell her all this... how? I feel as if that would just make this awkward between us, i've tried telling her things sort of along the lines of this before, but then i think it makes things weird (maybe its just me) because then whenever we hang out or whatever in the back of my mind i'm thinking "she knows how i'm feeling, why did i have to tell her those this? this is so awkward now, why didn't i just ignore it?" happens every time... maybe i'm just over paranoid and she's probably not even thinking about it like i am, but who knows

 

Sure, it would make an awkward talk, and it's a very important awkward talk.........

You seriously need to work on communitation, how can you have a meaningful relationship without KNOWING the other person and what they want and feel, anyway?

 

You are unable to make her, or anyone else, happy. If you need another person to feel happy, that is not happiness, it is co-dependence. Happiness comes from yourself, not from external conditions.

Yup.. and also, how is she supposed to know what bothers you about her/the relationship if you never tell her?

I hate "the talks", truly, and while they can be much worse than awkward, I've found that both people usually end up feeling better about eachother, themselves, the relationship, everything (Apart from when the talk ended in breaking up of course)

Not communicating is the easy way out and will be more harmful in the long run than getting it out of the way.

If you want to limit the tears you could start with "I don't want to break up" (if that's true)

 

You sound exactly like me when I was your age. broke up with my girlfriend after 2 years when I went to college, best decision i could have made. A first girlfriend is great, but there are soooooooooooo many other girls out there.How do you know you even love this girl if you don't know what other girls are like? Because honestly, from the sounds of things, she is a safe choice but definitely not the most compatible for you. I know its hard to end that first relationship, but trust me from someone who was in your shoes, its worth it. Your way too young to be playing it so safe

 

I guess you guys are right, talking to her about it and trying to get through the awkwardness will probably be for the best in the long run.

I see your point, but i don't really want to break up with her at the same time because i still really do love her, it's just her being depressed constantly that brings me down. But it's complicated because i really want to always be with her yet at the same time i want to have other experiences with other girls, not just with one my entire life? But i don't think it'll end up ever being a massive regret, there are many other things to experience in life too...

And that's true, but i do know what a lot of other girls are like because 2/3rds of my friends are actually girls and i hang out with girls more than i do with guys for the most part... and honestly, my girlfriend is seriously unlike any other girl i've ever met in my life before, at this point in time i can't see myself ever being with any girl other than her, she's just very different and likes a lot of the same stuff as me, i tend to be very different from a lot of people my age and she's the one person that i can actually connect with (we agree on mostly everything except for the drugs) so if i were to break up with her i'd most likely remain single for a very long time.