I'm going to try not to make a long story out of this... Alright my first real altercation with LSD with my first massive drop. Did it with some new friends, who introduced me to the drug. So it was my 3rd or so trip (this is all from memory of a year or two back now) I was very privvy to the drug, and throughly enjoyed the effects. I did not however expect what was coming. I almost feel like im not supposed to talk about this. I was tripping with all of my friends having a good time when my friends asked me why I never talk when im tripping. I'm one of those people that if I dont have something nice to say I dont say anything at all unless im certain im in a safe enviroment where negitive comments can be understood. I of course trying to be a nice guy couldnt say well because we are all acting like a funny movie of people tripping out, and just said idk im just going with the flow i guess. next thing i knew I was sitting in the center of the room with my friends gathering around me turning out lights, lighting candles, playing unfamiliar music from a vynal record. My one friend who refuses to this day to talk to me about this after the experience, held something in each handle and hekd it to my temples hymming something and i felt him doing... something. after this happened it was like for the rest of the trip EVERYONE could hear my thoughts, like i couldnt think a negitive thing in privacy. To this day, i feel like I am empowered by something outside my natural humanity. I will be sitting with my friends smoking a joint or a bowl and i will physically make sure my mouth isnt moving yet they know my every thought down to pretty fine details. Il crack a joke in my head and if i want someone to understand it, they will, and another wont, without saying anything out loud. I now find it incredibly hard to keep any thought to myself , and it can be very imparring and distracting. i find it hard making new friends with this considering I do not hie my emotions on subjects and often project them intensly on someone. I thought it best to try to take another trip to try to compose my thought hiarchy. I made the mistake of tripping with an old friend who had a grudge on me. he was a really good friend untill after high school where i took the high road and he took the low. ended up holding a grudge on me, and when i found out he was looking for hits, i asked him if he wanted to trip with me, thinking maybe we could become friends again through the experience. I didnt however anticipate he would be more experienced then me, and how unprotected my ego was at the time. the trip was horrible, i took him out to a common spot for me to smoke and trip and long story short ended up saving his life. We went hiking kinda and he was trying to show me up by taking the hard path, he couldnt support his weight and I had to risk my well being to secure his. after this I thought for sure I could trust him to not mess with me whille I tried to re secure myself. I was very wrong. We went back to his house where he offered me a change of cloths becasue of how dirty I was saving him. he gave me some rather homosexual choices, a pink shirt, or a turtle neck and small ass sweat pants. not wanting to be rude and tell him i was more comfortable in my blue jeans and hoodie I took the cloths. The rest of the night I sat on his couch for what seemed like years. I could feel him prying into my thoughts studying every reaction to any and everything. I expected the situation of a understanding of each other, i didnt expect how negitive his vibe was going to be. I decided to just give up and slee it off. I woke up in the morning and found he took the rest of my smoke. i got up to find him and realized that my neck was competely oout of wack like i slept upside down with it bent to the side. the days that followed where very very weird.I found myself COMPLETELY insecure and vulnerable. i tried talking to him but found he blocked my number ect. i now have very deep fears of people thinking i am gay and noticing my worry of them thinking this and my uncomfortable reaction to it. I used to be a very confident very well intended person. I now find myself subbling over every unimportant detail or flaw in someone having negitive outlooks on the world and people in it on top of the worst proble of them all I CANT CONTROL MY EYE FOCUS AT ALL. i feel so small in eveyones eyes and my fear of being what i thought to be homophobic or even possible heterophobic i find myself NOT being ble to have a normal conversation ever. for the past year i have been plaqued by contantly finding the flaw in everyone, and MORE OFTEN THEN NOT i feel like im glancing at peoples genital area.like they can see my eyesgo down and back up and down and back up. the more i try not to do it and relax THE MORE I DO. its hard to talk to ANY man even my own father with this fear. I cant tell if im actually doing it or think im doing it within my eyesight.i immediately fall apart infront of people. I cant talk to any women without hitting on her constantly, i cant talk to my own mother in a low cut shirt. Let me please say I am not gay, Im pretty damn sure of it, im not homophobic or atleast wasnt because before LSD i had no problem with gay people. I am no pervert either. I have a deserning problem now where i cant look at anything object person ANYTHING without immediatly tearing it apart in my head. sometimes i have visuals of things and parts and what makes them work. I look at a person and within seconds i could shut my eyes and name every brand they are wearing as well as colors, placements of moles, ect. I cant look at my motorbike without taking it apart in my head, or hardly lilsten to it without picking apart each individual sound of each bearing, piston,lifter, ect. I have gone a year without tripping because i thought the drug was the cause of my problems and maybe if i stopped i could return to my normal self. I now understand this isnt the case. I have even stopped smoking trying to fix this probelm to no avail. Anyone have any insight, i know how this sounds, but i have trid everything short of a doctor, and tripping again. lately i need to find a cure for this, im loosing everything becuase of it, ive lost my job, my friends think im weird, i dont know what to do i cant fix myself and ive never ever not been able to solve a problem or fix something
Stop smoking pot (obviously). And stop acting like any of that is real..... You're losing jobs and friends because you're acting like a total nutjob, they can't hear your thoughts, you're just super strange and creepy when you act like they can and they have no idea whats up. Sounds like it brought on schizophrenia, and maybe you should talk to a shrink. MAYBE even find someone who will give LSD therapy a go with you-it's been done on schizos before, it can actually help if done right, I think, and probably can't make anything worse. But don't take ANY drugs if you're not in a very controlled environment put together for that purpose. Your friends where on drugs, playing music and playing with candles does not mean they brainwashed you get over it.
I agree with RooRshack, i believe it's all in your head for sure, obviously people aren't hearing your thoughts. But there is clearly something wrong, maybe the LSD messed with your mind in some way, get some therapy of some sort. But this: I dunno if that's just some BS you made up or not, but if you can actually do that i don't see how its really an issue, i think its more of a gift to be honest...
It sounds to me like you need to lay off the drugs. You obviously do have some sexual issues, that much is painfully obvious, and until you can confront them head on without any 'mind control' BS this is gonna keep ruining your life. It also sounds like you may have exacerbated an underlying schizoid type mindset. No one can read your thoughts, your friends didn't do anything to you to make your thoughts public. You lost significant grip on concensus reality and now no one wants to deal with you because you probably stare at their junk while having a weird look of distrust on your face because you think they are reading your thoughts. Think about how you look to other people. You might need help man. As for breaking apart everything in your head . . . it sounds like a normal LSD after effect though for you it sounds like you take it way too far to the point that it interferes with your ability to enjoy life. You may want to consider talking to a psychiatrist, it's possible you can get help from some antipsychotics, but I would explore natural remedies for a troubled mind first (diet, exercize, sleep, meditation, etc).
Have you ever asked your friends if they are reading your thoughts? Or have they ever said out loud an exact thought you were thinking? They were most likely reading your obvious facial expressions and body language, and reacting in their own body language which you picked up as them reading your thoughts. I feel like Acceptance would make a good word of the month for you. Who cares even if you were homosexual? Nobody is judging you as hard as you are judging yourself. Just accept the fact that your staring at their junk and being weird, don't try to stop it, because like you said, that just makes it worst... ~anecdote~When the buddha was becoming awakened he had to fight off the delusion of his mind (maya), and during this he was shown hundreds of the worlds most beautiful women. Now if buddha had looked at them gave into his sexuality he would of lost, but if he would of looked away as to avoid them, he would have also lost. It was because buddha accepted them totality, that he transcended his sexuality and saw them with a completly different quality. He was no longer drawn to them or thrown away by them, he just accepted them for how they were.~anecdote~ In a similar sense you have to remind yourself your mind is just trained to look at boobs as sexual. So you look at your moms boobs and you feel ashamed because it was something sexual. Just remind yourself that their just boobs, people in africa look at their moms breast all the time. Their just boobs! Just look down and say oh im doing again, and just accept it. Maybe you could even go to your most open minded contact and non judging person you know, and ask them have I ever been looking at your junk? or have you ever felt like you could read my thoughts and used that to make me vulnerable? See what they say. Other then that you should probably get a nice long walk in nature. I mean just go as far out as possible and reconnect with that innocence and natural flow of things. Really it works wonders!
You seem pretty intent to make it clear you are not gay. You also seem very bothered by the idea that someone would think you are? So what if you are. I bet allot of your friends would not care. I mean in your mind they already think your gay, and they are still talking to you. As for the telepathy, it is possible. I know many will not agree, but it seems to be possible through evolution. For example certain alien species communicate this way. But this is assuming you believe that in the first place. The conspiracy forum is the place to be more in depth about that. But if you truly have unlocked something, you will need to learn how to harness it, so your not tortured by it. But to me, it sounds like you are imagining allot, as opposed to actual communication by thoughts.
Thanks for all the help. I've taking some time to really think about a lot of this and try to change some things. I don't like the idea of possibly having a metal illness. I'm sure no one does. The part that I don't understand is before LSD non of this was a issue for me. I have been interested in a new career, I went to a convention the other week and with very little knowledge of the trade I was quickly explaining to the students what they were doing wrong. I try really hard not to come across as arrogant and just plead my case to help. This is the only part of LSD after effects I enjoy. Often times people agree with me, so much to the point I think that they are doing it just to hide the fact they think I'm wrong and extremely stupid. Like when the homeless guy around town is telling me storys, I act interested because I wanna make the dudes day easier and don't wanna judge, but in the back of my head I feel sorry for the guys not so stable mind. This particular time my ideals were accepted and I ended up explaining something in a way the student couldn't understand with a different concept. Particularly I explained to him how to tell if his welds where penetrating and constructing well by sounds and not just starring at it. Not because I know ANYTHING educated about welding but because I easily visualized what he was doing wrong and quickly formed a rational way to fix it without even seeing him weld. I just heard it and knew it was wrong. To make a long story moderately short i got praise from the instructor and helped some people out, and maybe even gave a teacher a new angle to throw. I walked away from this went home, sat down and just thought, now I dont know anything about welding I have a high school education I don't even have anything beyond child hood radio and computer building projects to go on for electrical understanding but i got these professionals and students thinking in different ways. Or was I just getting awkward looks and responses from people thinking I wasnt all there. I get told all the time that I'm intelligent but I always feel like I'm being told this because people feel to bad to tell me the truth. I don't know where these thoughts come from. Sometimes when I'm explaining things ad how I interpret them I say to myself, hey I wonder if this person thinks I'm an idiot out of his mind but why? I never used to have self confidence issues. I have been working out a lot lately. I think the more that I do this the more that the way I imagine myself isnt so small. I am about 5' 9" 135lbs and I feel like a dwarf when I compare myself to just about anyone. If they are taller I feel incredibly short, if they are shorter I feel skinnier. I mean even people the same build as me, make me feel like a midget. I had a friend explain to me that its a normal hang up off of people that have done acid. He said that the dilation of your pupils causes something but didnt remember what. Ive found it easy to meditate or clear my mind and enjoy the empty space on my motorcycle at least. Slowly some of the negitive effects are subsiding with the advice you guys have provided me. I'm trying very hard to act less strange around people. Prior to what I think could of been considered LSD abuse to many, I was very people personable, and I really WANT to get back to that. I still get in many situations when I'm talking to people and have to distract myself heavily from knowing what they are going to say before its spoken. Often times if they take more then a couple moments to finish a statement I finish their thought. Same goes with other weird occurrences such as thinking about someone and then suddenly getting a text message from them. I used to think it was just coincidence untill it started happening in very odd occurrence with people I dont speak to often at all. Another odd recurrence, I will talk to someone and miss what I feel is a appropriate time to interject with a comment or remark, whatever, and while they continue I will think well maybe i should try to mention it in a different moment or just keep it to myself, is it a good idea, maybe they would like it, it would be fun, ect. and while im doing this i just kinda wait for it, and its like magic everytime. For example the other day I'm talking to my girlfriend and she suggests going out to eat. I say hell yeah great idea, when she asks me what I am in the mood for I give the usuall i dont care its up to you. while she is sitting there listing off things i get the great idea that I feel like going to a specific restaurant. she decides she wants to hit a local place and i completely agree with her, but i say to myself (not out loud)that i would much rather go to the place I was thinking. and its just like that she is like wait i kinda feel like going somewhere else. when i ask her where it was my idea, a place 3 hours away, and she just so happened to want to catch the movie i wanted to see and hit the mall like i had wanted. I guess you could say its a wild coincidence but my issue is that it just happens to me like that way to often. If i want to actually not make someones mind for them or almost like force a idea on them I have to very heavily distract myself from the situation/conversation. As I'm typing this in a different room I was wondering if she was awake, a few moments later i hear her caugh and groan kinda. almost like she knew that i was wondering if she was up, and responded to it. there is no way I could of heard her breath patern change and think she she is up subconsciously, and consciously wonder if she was up, and then layer that to thinking that a maybe have put out a vibe wondering if she was up and she was responding. I certainly didnt yell out HEY YOU UP only to have her cough and groan to answer. Please consider these are only examples of the many many things i experience dayly. dont base your opinion of my beleifs or disbeliefs off of them solely, just think if this happened to you, a couple times a day, every day, how would you respond. I'm trying to make sense of it all
You lost your friends cos they thinkg you're weird? Shit you sound cool as fuck to me waddup bro i'll chill with you haha.. i think you just opend up some doors that you need to let close, your minds telling you to think one way but im pretty sure willpower can overcome it, i had a similar story with mdma but not a severe & i didnt think people were listening to my thoughts, it completely changed my thought process for weeks... I wouldn't worry, maybe take some therapy it never hurts, open up to people who gives a fuck what others think, just tell your self what youd like to hear when around people , such as "they cant hear me" as crazy as it sounds, id try taking some adderall if I were you it helps me when my thoughts are all over the place & it's a pretty cool drug it might give you confidence back. Goodluck man & hopefully your problems get solved, a lot of people will tell you its easy to do one thing for them but it can be hard for others, this situation is just a bit harder for you, but that doesnt mean it can't be fixed man
