My spiritual journey began around six years ago when through Christianity I was introduced to an almighty presence. However, too much did not sit easy within me and I fell away from the church whilst keeping an interest in the bible and what God had install for me. However, it was late last year that I became awakened. I became aware, the feeling there was more to me than just the I. The reason I post in this part of the forum is that any information given to me has either come from the local library or off the internet from spiritual teachers who have been influenced if not taught in the way of the buddha. Recently I have made more of an effort to remain conscious, particuarly in times when I know I am likely to not be. I am trying to feel my reactions rather than think about them and in some ways really do think that progress is being made. I have experienced and find myself experiencing more and more the lesser need for time and understand that time itself is just a delusion. Yesterday however, after a walk down the local canal, I literally and philosophically found myself turning a corner. It occured to me that on so many levels I did not know what was awaiting me around the corner i.e time, building and people wise and that if everything I see is a delusion, then it is possible that around the corner there may be nothing at all. I then walked around the corner and everything was how I expected it to be and how it normally is and on this occasion the universe had manifested itself as I had expected. It then occurred to me that anything could have been around the corner which is why it is important to spend your life in a state of consciousness. So, despite feeling conscious I am feeling more and more confused. My confusion lies in the fact that there is so much to remember and everything and more of what I have talked about so far is hard to remember let alone put into everyday life. Plus there is a small part of me which just thinks that I am going mad. There are a couple of buddhist centres near me. Should I be going to one of those and speaking to people there? Although I feel as though I am certainly moving along a spiritual path, I do feel a certain amount of being lost and being out of my depth. The joy that occurs as a door opens is soon replaced by a feeling of being lost. Or is that just my ego tricking me??
As you are a part of your surroundings, you can not become separated from them. And as they are a part of everyone in general, they will continue on in their normal way in spite of your own inner realm due to the influence of the multitude in relation to the one.
Consciousness and thought are both of the same basis but they differ. Thought is of the nature of confusion becaue it takes places from the subject/object duality. Do not try to dig this out. Amplified awareness may highlight this duality and make one feel more disturbed. This is where having a center, peer group, formal technique and ontology comes in handy. There will be times of great conflict for all aspirants to greater understanding. Awareness grows naturally, for everyone through entropy and synthesis. Solve et coagula, is the witches formula. The phases of the moon and sun through the seasons, dying, rebirth, and so on. Nobody acheives a complete awakening all at once and forever. Whatever awakening one observes also goes through symmetry breaking before a new wholeness comes about. Nobody ever taught one awakening to rule them all. Different schools, different levels of tweaking. Don't discount common Western religions. Each observes the level of which they can relate and to live true; they find what's right. Shop about, keep a mind, don't concentrate against thoughts or feelings, don't assume you have a grip on Eastern ideologies yet. You may find out otherwise with more study. If the method of mindfulness you are doing makes you feel uncomfortable then it's not a good system. Find another. Life is not about some system of observances for some future reward. That is not Buddhism. Mindfulness in Buddhism is not just thinking oneself into a pigeonhole, which you will find amongst some practitioners. Search more. Take up a musical instrument if you want to learn mindfulness. Nevermind Buddha. Try retreats. Meditation is best learned in small intensive doses. Do them at many places. Take a course at Naropa Institute, maybe in archery.
