Being honest even if the truth is none too flattering.

No, you should not have brought it up. This is one of the first things I learned when I started seriously dating. Never ask for numbers, because everyone is insecure about his or hers. I think my number is too high because I usually do the casual month-long relationship thing. I have a friend who's ashamed that she's a virgin. I have another friend who between years-long relationships had a bunch of flings, and she doesn't like talking about that. As long as everyone's healthy and there are no residual feelings, sexual past doesn't matter at all.

As for your insecurities, I'm going to say this in the kindest, most instructional way possible: get over it. You're gaining experience now with what sounds like a fantastic partner. She obviously likes you, and doesn't care that you haven't been with many women. Let her teach you all she can while you're together. Women don't put men into categories of "experienced" and "inexperienced" - we want to have a good time with you. Emotionally, intellectually, physically. The mechanics of sex will naturally develop, it's not something you should worry yourself over.

And if you're still insecure ... :chillpill: ... sex isn't the only item on the menu in your life, I would hope. Focus on sex only when you're with your gal. At other times, worry about work, school, friends, hobbies, whatever else you've got going on. Good luck friend.

 

What a horrible thing to say. First of all, what even counts toward someone's number? Making out? Second base? Fingers/handies/bjs/diving? Having a naked, romantic night with no intercourse? It's hard to say. For a 21-year-old who presumably hasn't been in a long-term relationship, 10+ guys is not a lot. Those guys could have all been fun flings (hello, college?), and now she sees the current guy as a potential long-term boyfriend. That doesn't change her past, but it changes her behavior. And that past is nothing to be ashamed of.

What I'm saying is, girls are people too. The best guys are the ones who appreciate us while we're together and don't care about labels and numbers. Each person is different, and each relationship that person's had is different. You can't judge a girl based on her number alone. The same is true for men.

 

Whatever the woman feels like she needs to include when her boyfriend / husband reveals his vulnerability is the number. He's obviously scared of something and instead of jumping on the 'feelings of inadequacy' bandwagon that even the OP is convinced of in his own relationship, I think its about being afraid that you and your partner want different things.

If she's done collecting sexual partners then we're golden....is it only 'fun' when its with a lot of different people? If i'm number 14, I need to know.....if not, bitch better learn my name.

 

I know this may sound corny but if you love the girl and have accpeted (or to a point) her past then you just need to get over it and move on. Holding on to resentment or anger will only lead to problems down the road. I can speak from experience on that one. Ugh! You said it too, the past is the past, and so it should remain. Good luck.

 

Wow, again some great feedback and I thank you all for contributing!

I know now how I'm going to deal with this issue and it won't be an overnight process. The problem is something to do with my personality that has been there for a long time but it's worth working on.

My solution is simple:
-When feelings of anger or anxiety come up I go through a few steps. I aknowledge that it's an emotion or nothing more and I also aknowledge that I shouldn't fret over things that are out of my control and...
-Instead of focusing on anything my partner has done in her past I will focus on the here and now. The here and now is that I have a great girlfriend who I connect with very well.
We share taste in movies, music and humour and we lay in bed for hours at a time talking about anything that comes into our heads. We're eachothers best friends and the relationship is exactly what I've always wanted from a relationship. Also to add to all of this the sex we have is fantastic and fretting over other guys she has been with is stupid not only because worrying over other people in general is silly but because I've won. She is my girlfriend.

Thats my solution, wish me luck!

 

Contacting the here and now to alleviate anger and anxiety? How long have you been sitting on this type of information?

 

The older I get the more I think it's not so much a thing of beta male vs alpha male but instead it should be looked at as extrovert vs introvert. And the same situations with a extrovert woman paired with a introvert man keep causing strife to the introvert male's mind.


See I think that most extroverts end up with introverts. The two personalities mix well because they are not in conflict but instead balance each other well. Now when this happens with a extrovert male and a introvert female the potential downside is a cheating male (potential is a key word so don't get all up in arms you so easily offended hip forum peeps). Also women generally care less about sexual history and care more about security and you're ability to provide and your ability to care for children - so in short - they usually don't give a fuck if you've slept with 100 women.

But when it's a introvert man and a extrovert woman - well that's when the problems start. They both match up and the relationship works very well but it will a lot of the time end up that in her earlier years before she met you she was ... well.... her extrovert self. Extroverts are more likely to agree with a suggestion by another person. Introverts are not. Extroverts like being in large crowds socializing with many people at once (clubs/bars/etc) - introverts prefer 1v1 or small groups.

You see the pattern developing here? There is no easy answer to you getting over your insecurities. I went through it once. The thing you have to realize is that the REAL world is not what tv culture, movies, music, and especially porn - teach you. You have to will yourself to not care about it.

Until you learn that it's just a matter of will and that is just another step to becoming a more mature man you will realize that it's only in your mind.

You know how you'd look back at a younger kid in high school or something for acting like such a big baby cause his g/f of two weeks just broke up with him? You'd think he was being a big baby for no reason right? Well this is the way us older males look at you 20 something males going through what you're going through right now.

 

Yeah um... I'm extrovert and she's introvert.

 

Is she significantly more attractive than you?

 

^ Nah not really. I'd say we're both fairly attractive young people

 

Then idk what to tell you brother. The fact that she was lying from the get go depends on a couple things. Were you pressuring her for her # and that caused her to be defensive... or was she overly defensive about it without you pressuring her about it?

If it was the latter then I'd say she has her own reasons for being self-conscious about how many people she slept with - and to me that's not a good sign of character.

If it's the former then you probably just scared her into lying about it - which i'm not defending - but young women are easily intimidated by men in this department, i have found - and will lie when they feel cornered.

Ultimately you have to just be a man and stop being self conscious about it. What your SO did before he or she met you is not a negative reflection on you in the present. Any man who tries to make you feel like it is or it should be is just a guy who's hiding the fact that they are also insecure in the same department.

 

It is your honesty that is needed to overcome what troubles you. You can help how you feel. You say you understand that the past does not mean anything but you decide not to comfort yourself with that truth. You prefer to imagine things about her and about yourself.