I hate myself.

Discussion in 'Mental Health' started by Comfortablynumb11, Apr 10, 2012.

  1. Comfortablynumb11

    Comfortablynumb11 Member

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    And I think everything is pointless...there is no real future, other then more pain, more self medicating just to take the pain away.......I hate when I can't even get high because I needed relief from crap so much that all the effects of whatever drug I took went to just making me feel a bit better rather than getting high or whatever.

    But the worst part about all this is, if no one gave a crap then I would not have to worry about hurting anyone. But I have a couple friends and some close family so Its hard not to think about that. Then again half the time I feel like all I do is bring others down......with my stupid problems, I get anxious and paranoid about things and obviously act anxious and paranoid so people get annoyed because they don't see what there is to be anxious about. Then I always end up feeling like the asshole because I couldn't just get over it and avoid ruining everyone's time. Some of my family tries to understand, but they just don't get it and still get just as pissed off when I cannot control myself....which only makes me feel worse about myself. But yeah if I kill myself that would cause them pain, but by being here and having so many issues I can't contribute to the good mood or whatever when hanging out with them aren't I also causing them pain.......Sometimes I feel like I have to be alone just so I don't go on some self hate rant and ruin every ones day.

    My grammar probably sucks in this, but yeah basically I hate myself, not sure what to do with the fact a few people in my life do give a crap but even some of them don't really understand as much as they might try. Suicide comes up, but that would also hurt them. But would it be more or less then the pain me being here and having the issues I do have causes is what i wonder.
     
  2. newbie-one

    newbie-one one with the newbiverse

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    No one really wants to die, they just want to stop suffering

    You can probably find a way to feel better, but it usually takes some effort.

    You can talk more about feeling suicidal here, or at www.suicideforum.org . You can also find a suicide hotline at www.befrienders.org

    If you feel that you are in serious danger of making an attempt, you should probably see a doctor and get on prescription meds.

    Seeing a therapist might also be good.

    Self-medicating is likely part of why you feel so bad.
     
  3. newbie-one

    newbie-one one with the newbiverse

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    How you feel probably has a lot to do with having negative experiences and being in a stressful environment.

    You can improve your ability to deal with stress, and also try to lower your exposure to stress

    Meditation, exercise, and dietary changes can help you deal with stress better. Also therapy.

    Either more effectively avoiding or confronting the source of your stress could help.
     
  4. Comfortablynumb11

    Comfortablynumb11 Member

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    I won't be killing myself anytime soon, like I said at this point I have people who for whatever reason give a crap and I am sure the last thing any of them need is me to kill myself.

    Also I tried prescription meds in the past...prozac, and all that did was fuck me up more than I already was. Not to mention made me even more distrustful of the pharmaceutical industry than I already was. As for therapists even they don't seem to understand at all...even if they really are trying and as it stands now even if I thought it would help I cant afford it.

    And that is an interesting theory, except I was already feeling a lot like this before I even knew what drugs were...well actually I think I felt worse because I didn't have any relief at all at least now that is one thing i have...even if it is via drugs and not being mentally healthy or whatever. Lets put it this way I started regularly smoking cannabis and drinking and such because it makes me feel better......otherwise I'd probably just be a weekend user of any drugs if that. But I would rather smoke a bowl than kill myself and I think even if not everyone in my family would approve of the marijuana I'm sure they prefer that I do that rather then attempt suicide and I guess I prefer that to.

    But thanks for posting...even though I have considered most of those things and or have done them(therapy, prescription meds). I found a place that might be able to determine what mental disorders i have but I'm still to anxious to try and schedule an appointment.
     
  5. Comfortablynumb11

    Comfortablynumb11 Member

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    Meditation can help some, I get plenty of excercise, but those things don't really change the things that really bother me, nor do they do much in the way of improving any of it more like temporary relief if I am lucky. As for dietary changes just trying to get enough food is where my focus is..I am in no position to be too picky about food.
     
  6. newbie-one

    newbie-one one with the newbiverse

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    you might also want to check out this book, "Curing Depression Naturally with Chinese Medicine" by Bob Flaws.
     
  7. newbie-one

    newbie-one one with the newbiverse

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    what are the things that really bother you?
     
  8. Comfortablynumb11

    Comfortablynumb11 Member

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    Yeah maybe, I do find that sort of thing intresting....anyways so its certainly worth looking at at least.
     
  9. Comfortablynumb11

    Comfortablynumb11 Member

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    I get anxious and paranoid about things and it annoys/pisses people off because they don't understand why I'm freaking out over what the perceive as nothing.

    I have PTSD so if someone startles me even by accident I am likely to either get really anxious and freak out or yell at them which is great for starting a conflict on an otherwise good day.

    I have a pessimistic outlook on things because I'm depressed most of the time, obviously that can bring the general mood down so it makes me feel like i need to avoid people so I don't bother them. Or so people who normally tolerate me wont get so annoyed they don't want anything to do with me anymore.

    Also I am an idiot when it comes to things like financial matters..I dug myself a debt hole by going to college only to drop out and am hoping to get by on seasonal work, maybe part time jobs or anything under the table I can find like cleaning a friend or family members house for a little cash. And maybe I will be able to pay back the college loans someday that's a pretty sad life goal to me.

    I just feel like I am a generally pathetic fuck up of person with a bunch of problems that no one wants to deal with and who is great at pissing people off unintentionally all the time because I can never seem to get anything right. I mean I've never even accomplished anything..I might have graduated high school but what's that? proof I made it through all those horrid school years without totally going over the edge so that could be saved for later but likely before I'm 30.
     
  10. Dude111

    Dude111 An Awesome Dude

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    I know how you feel!!!

    I HATE WHAT THE FUCKA WORLD HAS BECOME..... I STAY INDOORS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE,I DONT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE!!
     
  11. PEACEFUL LIBRA

    PEACEFUL LIBRA DAMN RIGHT I'M A WEIRDO

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    Did you try talking to somebody about this ???
     
  12. Comfortablynumb11

    Comfortablynumb11 Member

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    Sometimes I wish I could stand staying indoors, but It starts feeling too oppressive after a while....but if I do go out I prefer to stay away from 'society' as that just makes me even more pissed off, depressed and paranoid because people really suck sometimes.
     
  13. Comfortablynumb11

    Comfortablynumb11 Member

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    like a therapist? if so yes......multiple times and it didn't do any good. Other then that I've talked to a friend about some of this and some of my family, which sometimes helps a little..and of course posting this here was an attempt to see what ideas people here have and because i wanted to vent and did not feel like mentioning the drug use the way I did on the other forum I go to as they are not as free speech oriented.
     
  14. Dude111

    Dude111 An Awesome Dude

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    Yea i here ya......

    People piss me off cause they are dumbed down sheep who let the govt,etc lie and walk all over them,feed them crap BS stories w/o question and they dont even realise it!!! (I have to question my actions as to wheather I should be mad @ them because after all,ITS NOT THIER FAULT THEY FELL INTO THIS "REPROGRAMMED" HOLE but its almost impossible to bring them out of it once compromised!! (Same as trying to get a computer to do things its not programmed to do (Running Linux programs on Win98se for example)))
     
  15. Ryanchapwood

    Ryanchapwood Member

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    Wow Comfortablynumb11, someone went and digged my brain and that's how i feel and think too, cept my case is much more......controlled by authorities. All I can say is try to take things one day at a time, don't think so far ahead with the problems you have. feel free to pm me if ya need someone to talk to. Nite, fellow coloradoan
     

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