Nowhere to turn.........

Hi everyone,
I am brand new here. I typed something into the Google searchbox and it brought me to this sight.
I am a 50 year old divorced female. I have been dating an old boyfriend from high school seriously for almost 4 years , but have been with him on and off for 13 years. He was married previously, has 3 children. I have known him heterosexually since high school. He has never given me any indication that he could be anything but heterosexual. A few years ago we got together with his best friend (a male) who is also married, a couple of times for a three-way. But, I told him since he and I were serious, I wanted no part in it anymore.

I have been suspicious of his activity (I am a suspicious person when it comes to loyalty anyway) for a while and have been keeping track of things on his phone. His friend always asks him to go up to his house in the AM. I know my boyfriend has done that a couple of times, and my being the nieve one, thought they were just hanging out and talking!! A couple of "strange" texts from his best friend over the past couple of weeks; Ash Wednesday, his friend texted him "my wife won't let me eat meat today" and my boyfriend responded "that's why I didn't come up today." Which in reality, is a comment that he would say to a few of his friends, jokingly, or even his friends would say to him. Last week a text: "Had a crazy dream about you last night, I wish it could "cum" true this week." My boyfriend's response "sounds good."

Cut to yesterday as my boyfrend got out of work, called me saying he was running errands and would see me later on in the day. I saw he wasn't home, went up to his friend's house and my boyfriend's car was there. It took all my strength to not go to the front door. I then texted him, called him, no answer. I dropped hints later, but he didn't bite. Afterwards, I looked at his text and earlier in the day, he told his friend that he would be there a little early, his friend said great, that he was having a couple of beers to relax.

My boyfriend will NEVER admit to me that this is going on, even if I catch him in the act. He has an image around town, incredibly well known...my guess is that he may have been either gay or bi in high school, but coming from a highly religious family, couldn't come out. It also was 30 years ago, and at that time, no one came out. I am amazed at our class reunions how many people are openly gay now. I can't imagine how painful it was for them for years to pretend to be someone they weren't!

I love my boyfriend more than anything. That's probably why I didn't confront the two of them. I mentioned to him yesterday without accusing him that there was absolutely no room in our relationship for a third person. He knows exactly where I stand on that. I wanted him to know that I was suspicious. I truly am hoping that if he thinks I suspect, he may stop. It's not as if the texts between these two men are lovey dovey at all...........

I have absolutely no one to whom I can talk. I haven't eaten in days and have trouble sleeping. I have to work with him, (which is one of the reasons right now I can't confront him even if I wanted to. He is my boss and I need the job!!! And yes, everyone knows we are dating and it's ok!!) and spend time with him. Last night we were out and I couldn't even touch him. He brushed up against me and I cringed. I conjure up images in my mind of the two of them and it makes me ill thinking he is turning to his friend for something that I can and have given him. Believe me, I have many toys and a couple that he has enjoyed immensely!! We are very experimental in the bedroom, I am in no way a prude. I have given him a chance to break up with me..........I don't know what to do. I am willing to stay if he promised to stop seeing his friend, however often it is. And it has been going on for a while, as I look back over the years, I recall several instances that I thought were strange, but didn't think anything of it. Now they make sense. I don't know if his friend is asking for it and my boyfriend is obliging? My boyfriend has a hard time saying no to anyone for anything. And he is very laid back, goes with the flow kind of guy.

Anyone have any advise???????? Any insight????????

 

P.S.- I was going to send his friend an anonymous email from a new bogus made up email address with a nondescript name saying "does your wife know?" in hopes that they would get scared and stop. But, I was afraid that the IP address would get traced back to the city in which I live. Or that it would be traced and I could be accused of harrassment. Any thoughts on that?

 

what a joke that you said you love him....you dont!

 

That is your opinion. But thanks anyway.

 

I have to agree with Willy, sit him down and talk to him. Tell him what you suspect and why. You need the job but at what cost to your health? You don't trust him and you can't stand for him to touch you so it is going to come out eventually and maybe not the way you would want it to. Good Luck.

 

it was over the second she snooped...it always is....very very few exceptions..........

she hasnt considered that there are females over there fucking her bf too...there could be....they could be just having a circle jerk while watching porn

and he could already know she is a snooper and now he is just messing with her head

 

I think he knows she knows, he just is dragging out as long as he can so that he can keep them both knowing she won't say anything to him about it

 

My opinion is that you know who he is and if you will not accept who he is, then you should end the relationship based on that.

It's unlikely that he will change who he is and I don't think he should be asked to.

That's what I think.

 

download this... https://www.torproject.org/

then use this service to send an anonymous email...
http://www.sendanonymousemail.net/

ZW

 

There is fear and there is love. A sure way to tell the difference is love is never painful. Our ability to love is in direct proportion to our lack of fear. If we look to see what we are afraid of then we can begin to rid ourselves of our fears. Awareness is transcendence. If we think we know what we fear but still have the fear then we haven't realized yet the root cause of the fear. In this way we can move a little closer to unconditional love. Then we can make free decisions from a place of consciousness and not emotions. Then what ever path we choose, to stay or go, will turn out okay.

 

^ well said by dennis

 

Dude, what kind of chick isn`t excited to see her boy toy fuck another dude? Never get off watching gay porn?

 

dude really?...are you saying she should join in ...i cant tell.......dont get me wrong..its a beautiful post...but if you said hat to me in real life i think i would deck you haha...awareness is transcendence ...i like it...

 

Don't play games.

Simple choice stay and accept, or leave and move on.

 

I read it over several times, and my gut feeling is tell me "dontknowwheretoturn" is a troll.

I dunno. Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt it.

 

No not saying she should join in at all. The choice was staying in the relationship and loving him exactly how he is or leaving from free choice and not emotional reaction. Such personal choices are personal and I have no business making personal choices for anyone. My own experience is that I can dig myself better if I make free choices from my own chosen values and not from a place of feeling forced or coerced from without or within. Act from a place of love and free choice rather than react from fear or anger.

It is not always easy, and we are going to make mistakes but we can learn from them and not beat ourselves up for making them. In fact today I will try to make a brand new mistake; one that I haven't made before.

Imperfection is perfect.

 

I think you have the worst sense of self-esteem if you think it is okay if you can get him to stop... how would you feel if you did this to someone...how would he treat you if you were hiding a relationship? Let go of your fear and expect more from your relationships. Go find some friends and people who will be honest with you and whom you can trust.

 

You should leave this thread open on your computer with your original post showing... He'll sit down on the computer to check his email or something and see the whole thing.

 

Im sorry but this is not right!

The guy is a scumbag and you should leave him sweetie.... Your too good of a person to be swept up in this garbage!!!

Its obvious he cant be trusted and will LIE @ any expense,THIS IS NOT GOOD!!!!!!!

No guy should treat a woman like this!!


Im so sorry your having to go thru this and even have to ask what to do......

Peace and love to you