GF lied about her sexual past

Hey guys,


Going to cut it short because I don't like reading through massive posts.


I've been in a happy (and very sexually active) relationship for 6 months now and it's all been going well. The girl I'm with led on that she had not been with many guys before me saying 'less than 5' but last night when we were drinking she said some things that didn't add up so I asked again. Turns out she lied and has actually slept with 12-14 guys before meeting me and was scared of how I'd react when she told me.


If I'm being honest I haven't had many sexual partners myself and I am a little insecure about this. The truth is I'm a bit cut up that she lied to me for so long even though I understand the mentality of her not wanting to be judged for it. We are always very honest with each other and pride ourselves on that, going as far as reading 'my secret garden' together and sharing all our sex fantasies.


I suppose I'm asking if anyone else has ever experienced this before and how you dealt with it when it did happen? Honestly it got to me a bit last night and this morning and we did talk about it quiet a bit. I am a little shocked that I now know something about her that I've gone this long not knowing and I'd like to know what a good way to deal with this is. The truth is I love her a lot and I don't want this to come between us at all even though I feel hurt.

 

5...12...14...Does It Really Make A Lot Of Difference,??

The Real Problem Is That She Lied To You On Many Occasions....

I Really Don't Know What To Say, Other Than At Some Time, We All Tell

Little White Lies If We Are Afraid That The Truth Will Destroy Our Current

Happiness, I'd Say Cut Her Some Slack, And Continue On As If This Had

Never Happened, THEN, If It Emerges That Lying Is Part Of Her Personality

I Would Be Most Concerned....

I Wish You Well For The Future....



Cheers Glen.

 

I don't believe that anybody should lie, ever. For that she was wrong, but it really was just a littke white lie, she was scared of your reaction.

On the flip side, just because she's your girlfriend and you love her very much, you do not have the right to know about her personal life before the two of you were together. I don't understand why any new couples feel the need to discuss what has passed, and what is private. Think of it this way- if things don't work out between the two of you, do you really want her discussing what you did between the sheets with future boyfriends? Sex is a very private thing. If someone is willing to offer such information then fine- if not then that's fine too.

What exactly has changed now? Nothing. She's the same girl. She shouldn't have lied, but she wasn't being mallicious or sly when she did so.

 

^ I think it's bound to come up eventually especially if you're a couple that philosophizes and talks about sex, polygamy and promiscuity all the time.

 

Ok so she's shagged a couple more times than she let on.......she's still the same person. Move on!

 

That was a bit ambiguous......I mean move on together

 

I agree. Yet, I still think it is a crude mistake to discuss that early on in the relationship. In that sense, you are as much to blame as she.

You asked something extremely intimate, before full intimacy was there (obviously, otherwise she`d feel safe in telling the truth).

But, I do wonder if that is the only boundaries mistake you`re making. I`d be on the look out for those. Mono heterosexual relationships are typically riddled with breaches of personal boundaries, in my observation and experience.

As for everything else, there seems to be nothing to do other than digest and take responsibility for your feelings. I think breaking up with her over it, would be ridiculously insecure.

Even though her correct response would have been, "I`d rather keep it private for now." Which, is what I tell anyone who probes my sexual past before I`m comfortable with them.

 

There's nothing you can do to change her past.

Whether she slept with 5 guys or 900 guys, there's nothing YOU can do about it.

Yeah, she lied. Honestly, most people do about that sort of thing.

If she means something to you, let it go. She obviously cares about YOU now and what happened then is said and done.

 

Yeah, I don't think she would have lied if she didn't currently care about you and what you thought, but that's the downside of being with so many people.. personally I've only been with two (I'm 20), however I know that my twin sister is still lying to her boyfriend about how many men she has been with, considering her boyfriend was a virgin when they met and she has his v-card

 

would it make you feel better if you had slept with the same amount of girls?

if so, grow up.

 

In a perfect world everything would be perfect but it's not. So be careful of the questions you ask.

 

Before you have sex with her, you have a right to know if she has a sexually-transmitted disease. It is a very awkward topic to bring up, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't know. Some people avoid it by using condoms, but if you have oral sex, you probably are not using a condom, and she could give you any disease that she has.

She also has a right to not tell you a thing about her health. You can either take your chances or walk away.

And the question of how many partners she had before you is not your business.
If she chooses not to discuss the exact number, that should not be a problem.
But if she does choose to discuss it and lies to you, that seems like a serious problem to me.

 

what's one little lie?

nothing.

but what's a million little lies?

something.

think about it.

 

Woah, you can't handle her number of sexual partners and the lie she told you about it, how can you even contemplate polygamy and promiscuity?

If you're a couple who talk about polygamy and promiscuity (especially all the time) then she should certainly never have lied to you, and she should never have had reason to. I'm not saying it was right for her to do so, but she probably knew you'd have an issue with the number of men she's slept with.

If you're a couple who practice monogamy, I'd suggest not prying for information from a partner, wait until they offer it. It's not okay to poke your way into someone's private life, even if you love them. It should eventually be information that a partner is willing to share with you because they feel comfortable. If it never gets to that point in a relationship because you're happy and so in love that nothing in a someone's past could matter, then that's perfect.

An element of trust may be broken for now, but don't be angry with her. Tell her you'd have been comfortable knowing the truth about her and that you recognise her history is part of her. If she feels comfortable with you and talking to you about things, then she won't want to lie about things in future. I'd suggest you be sensitive about things too, perhaps she wishes her number of sexual partners was more like 5 than 14. You can work on things.

Hopefully the idea of polygamy and promiscuity is all fantasy play for now, because you are in no means ready for a relationship that involves either of those things. Focus on each other.

 

Bud, THIS (Cherea's post) is so true for many women! That said, don't beat yourself up for "asking". A person NEEDS to know who they're sleeping with as they are sleeping with that person's history.

About the lying, I've done it. If males didn't have the egos they have, I wouldn't NEED to do it.

My opinion, it won't be the last little lie you hear from her - sorry - some girls won't open up (and shouldn't).

Just know, she didn't keep it from you to HIDE something. It's just the way some of us are.

 

Bit of wisdom, past relationships don't matter. Its more important to be someone's last relationship than their first.

 

woah woah woah! we discuss it with fascination we don't practice it and I don't particularly appreciate the anyalisis "you're in no menas ready for a relationship...." honestly you have no way of knowing that. I'll get over her number of sex partners in the next few days and I'm a little shocked that she lied to me.

What I have taken from all your posts is that prying into someone's personal life like I did is a bad idea, with my gf it seemed right at the time because we discuss almost everything else. I know her dad left when she was 7, she has more than dabbled in drugs and has a history of being depressed and she knows as much as me. After this information is offered up freely and in my first relationship asking about previous sex partners didn't seem like a bad idea at the time but I guess I did pry a bit.

 

If I was to be honest it's not 100% unlikely that that would make me feel better. So I think I'll take your advice

 

I never said you weren't ready for a relationship. It happens too often that only half a sentence gets quoted. It's frustrating! I'd never have the nerve to tell you you're not ready for a relationship. Indeed I have no way of knowing anything, just what you say. I'm now not sure if you mean you talk about them with your girlfriend as a fantasy or if you have a negative fascination with them. Regardless, I've already said what I think about it.

Prying is a bad idea! It's okay when people volunteer information, they're sharing things they want you to know. Asking intimate questions doesn't always get reasonable answers. All I'm saying is, in future let her come to you. She'll tell you as much as she wants you to know, and you won't have issues with trust.

 

^ Yeah I'm taking a lot from this and while I'm annoyed that she lied to me and it's actually come as quiet a shock and a reveal to me I think I was probably wrong to ask her to begin with. Especially since she does not seem proud of it at all in fact she seemed almost ashamed which I thought was a little silly but who knows what her mindset towards it is? Fact is what's happened has happened and after we watch a double anime feature tonight (we're nerds) and have a great time I'm going to tell her that I feel like I shouldn't have pried her for some info that was not only personal but had potential to upset me.

I feel like this will actually make our relationship stronger overall and it will have all been for the best. I'll take from this encounter that I shouldn't pry too much and I'll grow up and come to terms with her past (first gf afterall) and with any luck she will learn to not be at all embarrassed or secretive about her past out of her own insecurity.