Forming a romantic relationship while unable to 'read' people's emotions

Greetings.

I am 24 years old. Male. Heterosexual. I have never been in a romantic relationship in my entire life. I have never had any form of sex. I once kissed a girl on the lips in an incredibly drunken state, but that is it.

However, it is not as though I do NOT want to have a girlfriend. In fact, I feel as though that is one of the main things I have missed out on in life. Just like every other guy, I have asked out countless girls since I was in High School. I've asked them out for coffee, to study, to dances (back in High School), and simply to hang out with me. I have been rejected 100% of the time.

Now, you must be asking yourself: He must be very ugly or incredibly creepy. That is understandable. However, neither is true. I am actually above average looking, except that I am a few pounds overweight (I am 5'11'' and weigh 180 lbs) so that detracts from it a bit. And I am a genuinely nice person who has a TON of friends including quite a few really close friends with whom I share everything with. I am polite, funny, and relatively normal. That is the strange part.

I have wondered for ages why I can't get a girl. Many theories have gone through my head: am I too nerdy? am I shy? blah blah blah. But recently, in deep thought, I THINK I figured it out. You can chime in and tell me if you think this could possibly be it.

I cannot, for the life of me, pick up on indirect and non-verbal communication.

By that, I mean that when interacting with someone, I essentially can only grasp from them EXACTLY what they are saying. I do not have the ability to decipher body language. I cannot understand flirting or other non-verbal communication. Flirting...haha...you could say I am the WORST flirt in the world.

I can only express myself verbally and literally, so trying to 'put on' some sort of playful 'hard to get' type of flirting mentality is impossible for me. I have tried, and frankly, it creeped the girls out. I also feel incredibly reserved around females.

I am too afraid to even playfully touch them (say on their hair or shoulder even) because I feel like that is a direct invasion of their personal space and could be seen as sexual harassment. I know it sounds weird, but that is how I think. So when I try to 'pick up' a girl, it is only verbal cues coming out of me. You know:

"Hey. I noticed you are in a couple of my classes. Do you like [insert subject]? I am pretty in-to [subject]. In fact [blah blah]. Do you think you might wanna meet up with me one day after class and catch a cup of coffee or have some tea at [insert romantic type place couples go to drink coffee and such]?"

But it never works! Incredible. I have even read literature about how to improve one's ability to process non-verbal communication but I can't figure it out. I am just too damned literal. My former psychotherapist thought I had Asperger's Syndrome, which I sort of agree with. But the guy didn't have any freakin' ideas on how to help me overcome it!! Crazy!

So, please, if you have five minutes, help me out and help me figure out a way to meet a loving woman. It is really hard being 24 and completely alone. I would love for nothing more than to have a girlfriend who smiles at me and would sit close to me on a couch to talk. And obviously, I would like to have physical intimacy.

THANKS MUCH!!

 

I can understand your wanting to make a connection with someone. You sound intelligent and likable.

I'd say definitely steer clear of air-head types and bar scenes. Maybe get out to somewhere that hosts something that interests you - like science, music, art, rocks, cars, books, movies, plants, camping, gaming, etc.

I bet you'll find someone with like interests that you can communicate with.

 

if you want anything more than friendship with women you will have to learn to play games, which consist almost entirely of indirect, non-verbal, and misleading communication. you might just want to invest in some prostitutes.

 

Do you have any ideas how I can improve my abilities to engage in this form of communication? I don't want a prostitute. I want a person to love and have sex with.

This is a really distressing topic and I don't know where to turn for advice. It is starting to really negatively impact my life.

 

In every interaction you have with this woman, put your intent behind everything you do with her. If you can focus your energy and such this could be just looking at her. 99% of the times ive gotten laid I havent had to try at all, basically said "wanna fuck"? (not literally, but that was my intention) I can tell if a girl will not be interested in me before speaking with her for the first time, and I save myself the grief. I have not been rejected a single time in my entire life, and I have been with loads of women. The power of intentions man.

 

First off your confidence is to be commended, don't let your success rate make you feel down in the dumps.
Since you seem to be self-aware about your deficits, I'm gonna assume your pretty high-functioning.

Some tips I can give you in general is to have have good hygiene:

1. Does your house/apartment look clean, does it smell clean?
2. Do you smell clean? (meaning you bathe in the morning and at night)
3. Are your nails trimmed?
4. Is your face shaved and presentable?
5. Do you wear decent looking clothes, that don't make you stick out?

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I do want to say however, that the kind of women that I think would make you happy is probably one that understands what Asperger's is. Because even if you land a hottie one day, if she doesn't understand how Asperger's affects you I don't see things going in a happy direction in the relationship.

 

^ You have to understand Prone that people with Asperger's can't read intentions because they aren't communicated literally.

 

I am not talking about reading intentions, I am talking about projecting them.

 

I don't do well with emotions either and I find it impossible to relate to people in a normal way. What I have to do is relate how they feel to something in my life, for example when someone is frustrated with something that I don't understand why that would be a problem so think about how I feel when I can't get out of a pair of boots and magnify it. I don't respond to like social cues either I need to wait for the person to tell me what they want. Just be kind to people and someone will see how special u are just always be a good guy and u will find a good girl or guy what ever

 

1. My apartment is very tidy. It isn't clean like something out of an interior design magazine, but I vacuum and dust very often and keep the bathroom in top shape.

2. I am religiously devoted to personal hygiene.

3. Since I play bass guitar, my nails must be trimmed at all times, so yes.

4. I shave at least once every other day. So, yes, sometimes I have a small amount of stubble, but that's it. No creepy neck-beards or anything.

5. I dress well. I shop at places like Macy's, Polo Ralph Lauren, and Banana Republic.


Any more hints on how to pick up on these essential non-verbal cues? I don't think it is fair that I suffer a lifetime of celibacy because I lack these abilities. I might as well be a priest if I am destined for that. At least then, I would get to wear cool vestments and cool hats.

 

It's not fair.

Now I can give you some advice on what to look for in body language, but you're going to have to make a conscious effort to look for these signs in other people when you talk to them.

Also get it out of your head that body language is linear, because it's not. A good example of this is crying, you understand that that body action can mean 2 things: happiness or sadness.
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When you talk with someone watch the amount of eye contact they make with you, where their shoulders face as you communicate. Are they stiff or relaxed with you?


Also what body language are you sending out, you might not be aware of it, but it's there and will communicate a certain level of aggressiveness or shyness that doesn't send the right message.

 

If you haven't already done so, try online dating. It can be really frustrating at times with many failures, but if you keep looking, you just increase your odds of finding someone you're compatible with. I am incredibly poor at socializing and probably have Asperger's as well. I can relate to not being able to find a partner. But that's how I found my boyfriend, whom I never would have found if not for the internet. I can't comment much on the dynamics of heterosexual dating, but you just need to find someone that's right for you. It's a bit of a platitude, but it's very true. Changing oneself fundamentally is hard if not impossible, and if you do manage to do it, it'll be superficial and won't stand the test of time. And this is one benefit of online dating; since you have a lot of people you can reach, you can increase your odds of finding someone who likes you for who you are.

 

Maybe read books on the subject perhaps an intellectual approach is what u need

 

it would be great if you visit crazy party . beach party . LOOSE THE WEIGHT . VERY IMPORTANT LOOSE THE WEIGHT . it helps about 40% easier fucking a girl . we have the same height . we are tall men . READ FUNNY STORIES . FUNNY JOKES. DIRTY JOKES . AND BRITISH JOKES . get drunk . be loose and don't give a shit about the rest of world . STOP THE LOVE SHIT . WAKE UP .
end .

 

Slow down a bit. A lot of women get weirded-out by being asked to go on a date right away. Keep it casual. Instead of asking to go out for coffee... invite her and her friends to meet you and your friends to a concert, party, etc. Treat the situation like your trying to make a new friend, not find a girlfriend. It really doesn't matter how socially awkward you are. If you develop a sense of humor about it, are aware of your weakness enough to compensate, and stay confident, you'll find someone. The best part about treating the women like a friend is that you can just come out and say you have difficulty with nonverbal cues - poke fun of yourself a bit. You'd be surprised how many women might find it cute.

I agree with you that you should err on the side of caution when it comes to touching.

 

I understand what you are saying, but I have been using this exact "Friend First" approach for quite some time now with zero success. It seems that the girl almost within the first two times of meeting me (even if it is in a group of people) puts me into her "friends only" category. I have even had girls tell me that they wouldn't want to "rob my innocence" which is almost insulting to me.

And the non-verbal cue thing is a big problem even from the very first encounter. Like you said, the girl feels "awkward" by my very literal, straight-forward way of communicating. I cannot sugar-coat love like most people. I only have the ability to communicate messages in a very literal and un-emotional way. Does anyone have any books or the like that could help me with this? I have even brought this up with my past psychotherapists and none have been able to help me and just cop out by saying "Someday your day will come...". Ok. I am nearly 25 for fuck's sake...

 

Do you have an ipad or iphone? There are actually some great apps out there to help with nonverbal communication/body language.

It's hard to help someone with nonverbal skills without actually getting a look at what's happening in person. Do you have any trusted friends with good social skills who can help you? Literally ask him or her to tell you what you should be doing differently and to critique you after a social encounter. Sometimes what we *think* we're doing wrong isn't the problem, at all.

 

I don't think non-verbal communication is necessarily the problem. You sound pretty much like me in most aspects you described, I've had plenty of gfs.

The thing is, it should be easy. You've never been talking to a girl and just felt a connection? When that happens the communication comes naturally. Either the words flow out of you like melted butter or you can't stop smiling when you're talking to her. I don't think you need to plan anything. If you do then she's not the right girl.

What happens when you approach a girl you like and start with "Hi how are you?" and then see where it goes? That might be better than worrying about making an impression. Her presence should change your behavior, but only if your mind is free from normative thinking.

 

rule 1) don't take advice about girls from girls.

well, feeling a connection probably doesn't do him much good if she doesn't feel the connection too. it sounds like talking to a girl and seeing where it goes makes it go to friend zone.

 

Why don't you put it out there when you talk to girls...that you're not into subtle communication hints and games...I know it's more than not being into it, but that's how I am... I'm not into it and when I let people know that I get people who communicate directly or people who don't get it and I know right away I'm not interested in those people.

It could also be that you're approaching the wrong people.

Other than that, I think maybe your confidence is not where it should be. If you want some communication techniques look into conscious communication, NLP, etc.

I think it could help you to refine your communication style and approach.

It sounds to me that you've just been a bit unfortunate but 24 is really not old and "it" will happen for you...you may just need to be more patient, and more persistent, like having multiple approaches and not think about whether the girls are creeped out by you unless they say so. Let your friends help you if you don't understand when there is a blatantly obvious rejection, but sometimes girls need to be approached a few times to soften the image they have of you...you might appear a bit cold and unemotional...have you ever been really into any girls or do you just pick girls at random to approach?