fighting and making up

Just a general question as I am curious about how other couples quarrel or make-up after quarreling. Do you make up right after quarreling or do you need time on your own to get over it? I belong to the second category, can't respond at once like everything is okay and cheerful, need time on my own to chill, then perhaps i can start talking with him.
The bad aspect of that is that my boyfriend perceives this silence or my urge to get alone as the silent treatment and does not let go of the issue, so he usually follows me around with questions like "ah you are not still over it?", "right, this is my fault again, so you don't like speaking to me" "can you stop behaving like that and just talk?" .
What to discuss? I do not want to discuss, I want to be alone. No matter how badly I just tell him that i need my own space now, he just takes that as a rejection and can not last more than thirty minutes of leaving me alone, then he starts all over again.
The more I tell him to leave me alone the more he presses the issue. I mean okay, it ends up that even quarreling with him is a painful matter because I need more than an day to get over it since he just can not give me three hours on my own and get over it as I would do if he did not push it further and just accept the fact that i really want my time and space.
Have you ever found yourselves in a similar situation and how do you make up usually with your other half? Mine seems to drag more than ever.

 

Do you try telling him you need time/space during the quarrel? Ever tried during a "calmer" time? I'm the same way.... I need time to cool off. I may even decided that it was my fault, no fault - I'm just cranky today, or totally not worth stewing over - moving on, if left to my own devices. Was in a relationship like that recently - drove me NUTZ. He finally "got it" that I need to think and work it out.... but there were other things that eventually resulted in a break up. We seemed to push each others insecurity buttons - which I think most of the "still not over it?" stems from.

Good luck... that's frustrating.

 

Tell me about it...it leads to more nerves and boiling inside.

I have tried so many ways...

Be Calm , Please I need my time to cool down a bit, he can not understand that "time" is relevant, I need some hours, he thinks i am speaking about five minutes, then he thinks that I am making that in purpose, he starts all over again. "So we can not speak this house? What is this? Are you going to keep pretending I do not exist?"

Be daring "Shut up and leave me ALONE", he thinks of it as a provocation, he starts all over again...

Be sad.."I can 't take this, please let me deal with it...". "No, its time to end this, lets talk about it...", "I do not want to talk about it..." He thinks that I resist making up because i want to drag our quarrel.

It never dawned to him why I need a day to speak to him when we are together (with many up and downs and going back and forth) and just a few hours when he has to go out and so there I am with my peace of mind at last, and so my anger subsides naturally.

And then they say that men need to be left alone, right...who created that myth? and since they need it also how come they do not recognize it?

I generally avoid having a quarrel with him, because its far too time-consuming to get over it than the real argument. Honestly sometimes I think that he is doing that in purpose tiring the issue in order to exhaust me that much that the next time I am about to start a quarrel to say "Ah, never mind..", honestly he is driving me crazy.

Anyway, just wanted to see if other women face that "leave me alone" phase and have run to the same problem... thanks for sharing. Pure madness...

 

I used to break up with my ex everytime we had a major fight because he would push the issue until I got so frustrated I snapped. It was unhealthy as hell but it also worked for a while because I would break up with him, he would leave and we would both get a day of peace until one of us called and apologized.

I wouldn't recommend that method lol.

My boyfriend now usually wants to drop things rather than discuss the issue, which isn't really healthy either. I would rather take a few hours alone to think and then discuss it rationally, but if I bring it up later he usually says something like, "I thought we dropped this already?"

 

one way or another, either they want to ignore it or just drag it, its like they are just trying to pass their needs above ours, isn't it? i have come down to this, that men do not want us to ignore them nor their wishes...and when we just go "boom, leave me alone" or "hey, its talking hour", they always get a way to go around it and get down to what they really want to do...wondering what can fix that issue? slightly its like a manipulation of the conversation, do not let it unless you do first, then its clear zone, at the end we have to be happy and good to them. Why not? According to them the issue has been resolved!

 

Yeah my boyfriend pretty much thinks he's the one that gets to decide when all our problems are resolved. If he has a problem he'll tell me in a very passive aggressive way and if I want to continue discussing the problem and tell him my point of view, he gets mad and decides we're dropping the whole issue.

I'm a bitch though, so I'm not putting it all on him lol. I'm harsh and blunt and so to the point that I probably wouldn't want to listen to me if I were him either. So I can see his point sometimes lol.

Communication is really hard. I've never had a relationship where communication came easily. Is that even possible? Two flawed individuals trying to reach a concensus and arrive at this concensus at the same time seems damn near impossible to me.

My biggest peeve in relationshps is creating a problem where problems don't exist. My boyfriend does this. 99% of the fights I've ever been had in any relationship were basically bullshit...like, why are we fighting about this? Why is this important? But in the middle of the fight when both parties want the other to understand, it all seems so important.

 

You girls know why this happens right? If not then as a guy I can partially answer why the dynamics of the above situations described go down as they do during arguments.

 

You are right, communication is a key element for all relationships but generally it suddenly seems to fail amazingly when it comes to who drops the issue first. In my case i think its worst because its not that i am not dropping it, its just that i need time to come around, then he thinks that I am not dropping it (not really) since he is getting that cold and silent treatment. Well its not all about him but also what i need at that current moment, he fails to understand it, no matter how i try to communicate it.

Apparently he thinks that a really "issue resolved" means hugs and kisses and lets be so happy about it. He does not get it the way he wants, it bothers him...he does not give up, i think that his logic is rather simplistic "if the issue is resolved, then why are you behaving like i do not exist?"

In your case, its kind of a reverse, he is trying to dodge the issue but still get it his way...he thinks its over, its over.

haha at the end of the day, i think that one way or another they turn us to drama queens that make an issue over nothing, where the real issue does not exists anymore, all hysterical with non significant matters, losing our times over nothing instead of making up, having sex and enjoy a cold beer...

and the funniest part is when i tell him that he does not understand me, he goes like "ah you are starting over again...", then i go that our relationship has problems, he goes "our relationship is fine"...boom!! LOL, am i speaking chinese here?

sure...go ahead..I am curious to hear the guys opinion on that...

 

Well you're on the right track.

You see for guys, when a problem of discontent is brought up we treat it like any other problem:

1. Identify it 2. Think of solutions 3. Apply the solution so the problem is solved

And generally guys want this done very quickly. The theory behind this evolutionarily speaking is because the males in society who solved and dealt with problems fast were the ones that survived.
(and probably appealed as masculine to the females of that time)

If a girlfriend or wife for instance brings up a problem, the guy is going to want to talk about it and solve it right then and there. From his point of view he thinks that since you brought it up you must be ready to solve problems in a similar fashion.

Guys also think you are dragging out the issue, because sometimes they pick up on a passive-aggressive tone in your comment or voice from the unresolved drama that didn't solved the last time you had a fight.
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The best solution I can offer is to schedule a time where both parties have a cooler head, and do not deviate from the scheduled time to talk about the problem, and explain the reasoning why problems should be solved in a neutral time, because tempers add fuel to the already heated topic at hand.

 

thanks for the enlightenment:2thumbsup:, this makes sense...especially with the time issue and it very well explains why he can't let five hours to pass without pushing me when he is facing the "leave me alone" attitude...

i was on the verge of thinking that he is doing it in purpose to drive me crazy...

I think that i understand far better now why a part of the problem can not be fixed; this is his nature...and a part of it, its cute...since he tries to solve the situation despite the fact that he fails to understand my need to cool down on my own.

thanks for the advice, at least now I can think far cooler and now that I know how the machine works (haha), it will be easier to handle it, telling him in advance...good advice..

I hope that at least saves me many hours of complaints in the future...