I am falling for a woman I dont think I can have

Alright, so I need some advice. I'm in a horrible, just plain horrible spot. So there is this girl that I met through some mutual friends about two months ago. I've talked to some people but their advice was horrible, I am hoping that I can find better here.

Act I: The Origin of Love
We started talking and we were both single at the time. Every time we talk, we teach each other something and I feel like she is my weakness. I am usually the nonchalant, go with the flow type in relationships, always masking just how much I like a girl but I find myself being completely transparent with this woman. She knows that I am pretty high on her, she's always on my mind and things were going great for a while there. So near the end of January, she goes for surgery and the doctor tells her that she cant have sex for a little over a month and she lets me know. So we continue talking and seeing each other, spending nights just shooting the breeze and cuddling until we fall asleep and then everything starts to fall apart.

Act II: The Tragedy Begins
I am usually an open person but when you lose your virginity at 16 and have sex with 16 people before me, then I am going to be alarmed. Especially when she is still friends with the people that she has had sex with on multiple occasions. I don't know if I am being mature, but that shit bothers me, especially when I know that she has been in multiple long term(6 month+) relationships during her time as a sexually active being. Maybe I am looking too much into that. You tell me. My number is the square root of that number and I do not do well with casual sex. I guess I have trouble separating the emotional attachment from the physical act.

I eventually got over that, then another problem arose. I'm moving away to another country for some time(a year) and when I told her, I could tell she was hurt. She was talking and she made a couple remarks that really resonated with me. I knew the whole time that while she has a great relationship with her parents, she was risking all of that by spending time with me. They are from the deep south and do not appreciate miscegenation at all. That just left an impression on me. Although I am moving away for school, I will still be around during holidays and such and was wondering if she would consider a long distance relationship. She said no but if we were both single once I came back, we could try something then.


Act III:Welcome to Heartbreak

I get a call last week from her talking about how she wants to see me. Now me being a dumbass tells her no, as a ploy to make her miss me more. Trust me, it made more sense then than it does now. Anyways, the next day she and I are chatting on the good old facebook and she says that she doesnt see this working and when I ask her why, she says that she is talking to an ex again and while it might be a mistake, he really makes her happy(then why is he your ex???-random question that ran through my mind). Now i feel like garbage, man this sucks.

The sad thing is, I know I'm not supposed to be this attached, this early. Especially when I am leaving the country in may and wont be able to see her for a year. It doesnt make any sense but everyday I just wanted to hear her say that she felt the same that I did but its obviously not the case. Now I'm like the guy in the f*cking side car watching her ride with the other guy. I've been a wreck and probably did not write this in a coherent manner so there might be a shitload of questions. I've never felt this way before, I really like this girl and it's taking every ounce of pride that I have left not to tell her everything about how I feel. I'm just worried that maybe something is wrong with me.

Any advice would be welcome.

Fin.

 

I'm sorry that your situation hurts so much...but it will get better. Most people have been were you are, several times, because the love and happiness you feel when everything is going well tends to make ya forget how much it hurts when things go bad. <hugs>

The number of partners she has had shouldn't matter to you IF she got a clean bill of health before being intimate with you (and vice versa). Did she have so many partners because she really likes sex, and she had fun exploring her sexuality? Or, did she have sex with so many partners because she was seeking some sort of emotional validation, and thought sex was the only way to get it? That's what matters....not the notches on the bedpost, but the motivation. Having multiple partners is fine, so long as the person is emotionally healthy and safe about it, and not using sex as a substitute for something they feel is missing in their life.

Perhaps when you return from your travels the two of you can get together and see what happens. It sucks to have to wait for a "maybe" but unfortunately there really isn't much else you can do at this point. Nothing is wrong with you, but you are learning that placing your expectations on someone else, tends to end badly. In the future if the person isn't saying/doing the things that you need from them, speak up! She may have kept her emotions hidden because she knew you were leaving, or didnt want to seem to clingy. Or she knows you are more emotionally invested than she is, and didn't want to hurt you. Ask her....

Be kind to yourself.....<hugs>

 

Hey, I really do feel for you... I have a few ideas!

Let me guess, your friends are saying 'fuck her dude, she's not worth it'? That’s not the best way to say it and will not make you instantly forget about her. I'll offer more subtle, reasonable advice that you can mull over. It's clear you're smitten, and you said she knows it. To be honest with you, just the fact she didn't even want to try to have a long distance relationship with you shows she's not as into you as you are her.

Also, after you said you were leaving, she starts talking to her ex? Is that right? And you said it yourself- ‘why does she want a guy that makes her happy when he's her ex'. I think Eden is onto something; why has she had so many sexual partners in the first place? (BTW how old are you both please) If it’s for fun then fair enough, but if it’s to fill a gap then that’s an issue. I feel she may be talking to her ex again purely because you’re going and she won’t be able to get those cuddles, that intimacy as much as she wants or needs it. I don’t think she likes to be alone. A lot of girls are like this, but the fact that she’s just given up on your situation so quickly doesn’t show any promise.
I don’t want to say she’s stringing you along, because I don’t know the ins and outs, and she did tell you she was talking to him and didn’t lie or keep it a secret which is good of her. I honestly believe she will then try to keep you sweet until she has nobody again. You seem so flipping lovely, I don’t want you to be that cushion she falls back on. I’m not saying she’s horrible AT ALL, I’m just telling you to be wary of her. If I was really into someone and they were going somewhere for a year, I’d say ‘Let’s try’ at least. I wouldn’t beat off the opportunity straight away. Maybe she’s capable of cheating and doesn’t want to hurt you?


There are so many reasons why this has gone like this. It is frustrating, and my heart totally goes out to you. But try not to let her run your world too much. Go out, have fun, meet people... Just don’t get too hung up on her, or anymore so. J And who knows what will happen in the future? She may have a change of heart. You can still hold onto hope, just try not to let her become the be all and end all.

 

Interesting point about the sex partners, she is completely clean and so am I. She has told me that she really likes sex and I guess I can understand that, but maybe I am just a little immature when it comes to things like your "number".

I mean at this point, that the best that I can hope for. I remember telling her and she mentioned that maybe when I come back we can try again or what not but knowing my luck....eeeh....I can only hope for the best. You are right though, I always voice my concerns in an indirect manner, maybe I should just be upfront and lay it all on the table next time. I guess you live and you learn.

 

She's told me multiples times before that she doesn't do long distance relationships so I really can't fault her for that. My friends are saying those kind of things and you are right, it doesnt help one bit.

Okay, I'm 21, she's 23. There was about a two week gap in-between the time that I informed her that I was moving to the time where she told me about her ex. She really doesnt like to be alone at all.

Quite frankly, she and this dude could really be giving it an honest second shot and it could be the best move since that he's not going to be leaving her anytime soon and her parents wont be mad at her for dating him since he's white, so he's the safe choice. I'm not.

I might be the cushion, I do believe that could be a possibility. I also think that she might be still talking to me because she might feel like the ex is an unlikely bet to last anyways. I have a feeling that someone is gonna get f*cked, and no not in a good way either. He pops just around the time that she is vulnerable and able to have sex again. Something about this whole situation makes me feel like he's just a major opportunist looking for one more night.

I mean after I move and get settled I'll probably just focus on work and school, do some social stuff here and there....facebook stalk her a bit until I come back lol.

 

Makes me think vaguely of that american pie movie, where finch realises hes worshipping/loving the one woman he cant have (Stiflers Mom).
You must find a new goddess!

 

It sounds like she has very real feelings for you but can't deal with a long distance relationship. She's probably hurt that you're leaving her when she's starting to fall for you and is trying to make you jealous by talking to her ex. People play stupid games when they're hurt and in love. It's not right but it's what it is.

As for the number of sexual partners, I completely understand how you feel. Sex is such a beautiful, personal, bonding experience and no one wants to think about their lover having that with someone else before them. It sucks but if you two do end up getting serious you'll have to come to terms with it. Hopefully over the course of the hypothetical relationship you would become more sure of her love and devotion and through that achieve peace of mind. Judging by what you've said I'd be a little wary but sexual history doesn't necessarily dictate how she'd view your relationship or treat you

I say just sit her down and be straight forward about your feelings for her and the situation you two are in. It'll either get her thinking and feeling more secure (Since her parents are probably filling her head with stupid shit, assuming they know about you two, and you said she's wary of long distance relationships in general) or you'll at least know you did all you could and it probably isn't going to happen. In that case I'd recommend laying off, taking it easy, immersing yourself in whatever activities you enjoy and focusing on the adventure you're about to embark on! Maybe you'll find your sweet soul mate in college instead

 

ah. I talked to her today...I'm telling you guys, the chemistry is always there. The way we joke and flirt effortlessly but I gotta move on. I didn't ask her about the situation with the other guy and while I do care because that affects the little time we do have here, I just don't want to put myself in another bad position. I'm going to use this as added motivation to make myself a whole new man. Part of me wants to play silly games to try to make her jealous or regretful but I'm just going to listen to sad love songs, lift weights and all of the reinvention, confidence building shit. I never want to feel like this again.

 

you fucked up my friend if you allow me . the only thing i can advise you .
GO GRAB HER ,IF YOU THINK THAT SHE IS YOURS , THEN MAKE HER YOURS .
BE A MAN ,BE THE HUNTER .

 

Sorry to hear it brother. This happens, it's all part of the human experience. I know this sounds cheesy and cliché, but if it's really meant to be, it'll pan out in due time. Personally I'd tell her everything.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRZumd8uFZI"]Def Leppard - Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad - YouTube