should i stay...or am i reading too much into all these "signs"

i am not entirely sure where to start but i believe there is someone who can provide me with the insight, perspective that i am looking for. there's a lot of history but i'll try to keep it short and sweet. my husband i have been married for just a little over a year. our marriage has been tumultuous for many different reasons and we have probably spent more time living apart than we actually have together. it's not that we don't love each other - because in spite of everything it's clear that we still do. but i am at a point where i am emotionally drained. i've been at this point before where i just want to give up and let go but for the life of me i just can't - i love him too much, i believe if we could get back on track our life together would be easy, and i believe we are meant to be together. but sometimes i don't know if it's because i am reading too much into the "signs" that have consistently shown up throughout our relationship. here are a few examples of the things i am talking about:

i received the first dozen roses of my life when my husband and i were dating. instead of throwing them away when they died, i let them dry and i kept them displayed in a vase. they were truly one of my most prized possessions. a couple of months ago at a point in our relationship when it looked like it was time to just let go, my husband took all of the cards i had given him throughout our relationship and decided to burn them. and then he decided to throw my dried out, dead roses into the fire to symbolize the end of what once was. he videotaped it so there is no way to deny that he did it. a couple of days later i decided that i wanted to see the fire site expecting to find nothing more than ashes. instead, i found 11 (my "lucky" number) of the 12 rose buds still intact. no stems, no leaves but the roses themselves were still intact. and beneath the charred part were still beautifully pink inside. now i'm not a rocket scientist but shouldn't have those roses pretty much turned to ashes shortly after they hit the fire? well yesterday as i was loading some furniture into my car to put into storage (our house has been broken into 3 times in the last month and our relationship is currently on hiatus) i noticed some paper on the ground buried beneath the leaves so i picked it up. i picked it up and i found remnants of one of the cards i had given him that had been part of the burn pile that said "even though i can’t take anything back, i hope you know how much i love you and how much i hope your love for me will help you to forgive. j - i can’t, i won’t give up - i love you too damn much. i’m sorry. k." i found this at a point when i had decided to just let go. i can't help but wonder if "someone" is trying to tell me "something." there are other things - like the fact that my husband's "lucky number" is thirteen. if you add up the numbers of our wedding date (02072011) it is thirteen. he also has a limited edition car - if you add up the digits for its number it is also thirteen. the numbers on my car tag add up to thirteen. on our first date we watched friday the thirteenth.

i am open to any thoughts, comments or perspective you may have - am i reading too much into these things or is it possible that "someone" is in fact trying to tell me something?

 

From a total stranger that does not know you in any way, I thought " wow she is really reading into this deep", and thats what love does, it grabs hold of your heart and it hurts when it starts pulling away. I think that there's always messages we can find if we look hard enough, and I also think that if the two of you still love eachother, thereh is a way to work things out. Try to keep a positive attitude and I think you will be fine down the road.

 

eklectic - a creative and deeply spiritual person. Your post resonates strongly with me.

I had barely started reading your note when the thought came to me that you and your husband are with each other in this life to help each other grow spiritually. Your spirits have an ambitious agenda, and because what you're trying to accomplish is so stinkin hard, you're given signs like these to help you maintain your faith and endurance.

You know this already at some level. You're hoping someone will confirm what you already know. Have faith in yourself.

Learning to truly love - to give of yourself while sacrificing any expectation of a return on your investment - is a hard process. Your egos are hungry, and locked in combat to obtain what you think you need. What you both really need is to learn that what you're fighting for is an illusion, and you already have exactly what you need. Learning this is hard work.

Hang in there, dear. Love and blessings.

 

Lasting love doesn't and shouldn't have to WORK so hard. You can love many "types" of men - doesn't mean they will be good for you. I won't go into my past situation - just know, it wasn't worth all the work. And we ended up in divorce.

Cut your losses, eliminate your drama and get on with your life - because it keeps going regardless.

 

This is good advice - for you.

I'm sorry for your hard marriage. So Reno...do you think the relationship that ended in divorce was a waste of time?

 

For the most part YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wasted much of my youth on "him". The ONLY good part that came out of it is my two beautiful daughters............... THAT'S IT.

 

Two beautiful daughters is pretty worthwhile.

I'm once divorced, and I'm now in a hopelessly fucked-up marriage that I can't get out of for financial reasons. Yet I can tell you that this marriage I'm in right now is exactly what I needed, from a spiritual standpoint. This marriage has profoundly refined my character and life skills in myriad ways. This is not to say I've gotten what I "wanted" from the marriage - I most certainly haven't. And I want to get out of it, as soon as I'm able. It has been horrendous in lots of ways. Yet - I still see the value, and understand why I had to be in this marriage.

AND we've had four beautiful children together.

If we just skim the surface of life and either fail to see or refuse to see that there's a deeper purpose than getting what we think we want, our lives are just one damn thing after another.

I think eklectic's marriage may end in divorce also - or it may not. Either way, I think the time for that hasn't come yet. Obviously I may be wrong. And obviously it's eklectic's call. It just seems to me that right now she's poised at a point where she's able to start seeing further under the surface, and for her the struggles in her relationship can have more meaning than yours had for you at that time.

 

Indeed.

I can look back and see events that have shaped, saved, or hurt me and my girls. I lived on the positives back then.....so hopeful.

I'm not down on marriage as a whole, but I do know, it's not for me. I just can't give any one human that much freedom and power over my life again.

 

i appreciate your insight and perspective and as you can imagine there is a lot more to the story. i understand that on the surface it seems like there's a lot of drama in a short period of time and it is very complicated.

i often question myself as to whether i am reading too much into these "signs" but i can't help but believe that there is more to their collectiveness than what could otherwise be seen as random bits of information. when you factor in the timing, it's just alot to take it. my grandmother was very superstitious and had the gifts of dreams - i have always believed that coincidences usually have meaning and something that appears so random usually isn't very random at all. i am also know myself and i can probably draw correlation and meaning from anything if i wanted to bad enough.

zengizmo - thank you so much for your perspective - your insight and wisdom has given me some more to think about.

renogirl - thank you for your perspective as well - it's interesting because our relationship was incredible until there was a shift of balance and power that gave him the proverbial upper hand and created a situation where we were no longer equals. i can't help but think if we had that balance back that our issues would quickly disappear.

 

eklectic - "signs" are one thing - practical help is another. You might want to try a counselor - or maybe post your complicated story in a relationships forum.

 

agreed.