Boyfriend of 7 months -no sex

Hi.This is embarrassing really. I am 44 and my boyfriend is 45. We have been together for 7 months. He has no trouble gettinig an erection. He can maintain an erection for quite a while, so there is no medical problem. He has never entered me and he really doesn't do much to try.

Here is the scenario. He is incredibly affectionate, almnost overly so. He loves to kiss, hug and hold hands. I like this as well. At first I wasn't on birth control and that freaked him out. I can understand that and got on birth control. That didn't help because nothing is happening still. He likes to sleep naked and cuddle with me. I don't mind that at all. He sleeps spoons me and so I can feel him, all of him. Sometimes he gets in the mood and will touch me here and there, and then he stops.

I love to give oral, but don't like it...but he is always taken care of, every time, many times. I have tried holding back and letting him take care of me first, but that never happends. It will be a few touches and then nothing. Recently he told me that someone in his past 10 to 13 years ago, told him in his words he was a "lousy lay". So because of that, he hasn't touched me. I have tried telling and showing him what I like. I have tried telling him how I feel. When I do, he just looks at me and has told me that I am pressuring him.

We have been together 7 months. Seven months of being turned on and then nothing. It's hard not to take care of him, I love him...but...I don't think at this point my wanting sex, penetration, something...is asking for too much. I think it should come naturally. With the whole thing it has taken a toll on me, on my self esteem, my sexual outlook, my feelings and my heart. I feel unattractive, and when I tell him this, he cries and says it tears him apart.

I can understand that he has issues, but the issue is almost 13 years old and I am paying the toll. I don't think I am out of line by expressing my needs...however, he calls it pressure. He has also had issues because of past relationships, also 10-13 years ago where there have been issues on his part with trust, communication and even telling me he loves me. He can't do that because he says for him, saying the L word is a harbinger of doom. Yet he will hold me tell me how spectial I am, how he cares.

I need some kind of intamacy because it's not coming from the bedroom. I so much want to connect on a deeper level...a level he says he wants. I'm so confused and lost. When he touches me and does nothing, I feel teased. When he is always taken care of and me nothing, I feel used. And over all I don't feel to sexy or wanted.

I know he had been hurt and all, but so have I in my past, but after this long it's still affecting him so much. He did recently apologize for being selfish in bed. What gets me is that not once did he ever offer to forgo his being taken care of and focus on me. I guess that's my fault. But sigh....even when I tell him what I want, what I like, anything, I'm pressuring him. Really? After 7 months, my teling him what I like in bed is pressuring him?

I told him what I like and he blew up saying I needed to let him learn to walk before I expected him to run a marathon...and let me tell you, the things I told him were nothing much...touching my chest, etc.

I don't know anymore..I'm so confused. I feel so hurt and it feels like such a huge rejection. Can anyone help? I know don't take care of him anymore..that's not going to be a problem. Through a turn of events neither one of us wanted, he ended up breaking up with me on Valentines Day. He didn't plan it, it happened that way.

What did I do wrong?

 

Devalued yourself to match the devaluation he assigned to himself. Work on your self esteem and you will not allow this to happen to you again. Have less patience for those that carry their baggage around too long and expect you to help them carry it.

 

I feel like he was being incredibly selfish and controlling. However, maybe I am wrong...here's the rest of the story...

His past has issues with everthing it seems and when I ask for things that at this point should come naturally. He has been really selfish and at first I thought it just was in the bedroom but looking a bit more it seems like issues from his past are the excuse I get for not hearing or being given things.

He will go on and on telling me how pretty I am, how much he cares, how bad he has it for me, how he cares so much it hurts, how deeply he feels for me. These are all great things to hear, and along with the way he touches me, yes I believe that he did love me, but, it seems like everything is to be worked through. I don't know if it makes sense. He asks like I want so much..to have sex with your boyfriend is not asking a lot, especially at this point. But when I ask for things, things that should be given, feely at this point, I get told that what he gives me isn't enough...and that I'm pressuring him.


Just as an example. I work in the mental health field and was falsely accused of neglect. I had to undergo an investigation and all. Even though I knew I was innocent and there was NOTHING to base it on, but....a little support from him would have been nice. When I found out about the investigation, I was at work and sent him a text.

We talked later, via text of course. He never called. What he did tell me was to be like Fonzi because Fonzi is cool. That's his support.

He even told me I was unappreciative for which I really don't like because I believe myself to be a very appreciative person. Another friend had a birthday party for me, not many were able to be there. The boyfriend slept the whole day of my birthday away because he said he wasn't feeling well but later said he felt like a hangover. So boyfriend told me that at the party, I was unappreciative and that with one look the boyfriend looked at the hosts and knew in a second how they must have felt. He then went on to say that I was like a pretty piece of glass, with rough edges.

I felt so horrible that I talked with the hosts and apologized if I ever seemed to be unappreciative. The hosts replied with surprise and said they NEVER felt that way and don't know why the boyfriend even thought so. I told the boyfriend in a message that I had spoke to the hosts and what they said. The boyfriend didn't say "sorry, or I was wrong, or nothing" All he did was reply with a smiley face.


If you would have heard him go on and on about how much he cared, and seen how he was always right by my side, you wouldn't think I was going too fast. He took me to see his work once, on off hours, it was sweet. Another time he wanted me to stop by, but he said more than once, that he wanted me to come by when "people were there".

He is an over the top affectionate guy. Not gross, but affectionate. He had a huge thing for holding hands. If he wasn't holding it, he would be reaching for it soon. He often would tel me that he liked going to places, because it was a new place to hold my hand.

The day that we got into a disagreement, Valentine's Day, he ended up breaking up with me. We live some distance apart so it was on the phone. While talking to him the man was bawling, you could literally hear him shaking, his voice cracking as he talked.

He told me that I act like what he gives me isn't enough, but if you look at it, seems like just about everything, communication, trust, sex and love had a stigma attached to it from some 10-13 year thing he had been through.

He told me when he tried to do something nice, I would knock him down, I don't think that's true. I mean I am not perfect, but I don't think I was that way. And then he told me that I wasn't always appreciative and even mentioned my one friend and thier party for me, to which I apologized for but the friend said that there was nothing to apologize for..they never felt that way to begin with.

He told me that I was like a pretty piece of glass with rough edges. He went on to cry and cry...HARD. He said he knew he was a decent person who deserved to be appreciated and not knocked down. Please know that I did nothing but praise him. I knew he had been hurt badly in his past, but honestly we all have.

His big issues come from 10-13 years ago, a long long time. He went on to talk about what he deserved and then apologized for his baggage and said "it took two to tango". Then he said he was toxic. I was so worried about him, I put my own grief and pain on the side to help him through the phone call...and his pain.

The next day, he put a post on facebook (I got rid of my account yesterday) about Spider Man. We used to tease one another about super heros..i like Superman, he likes Spiderman.

He puts up a post from the spider man movie. It was a bridge from central park and he says "This is where Spider Man - cries". I know that post was meant for me. What was the point of that??????

So I ended up that night deleting my FB account. I knew his son who is 20 before I knew the boyfriend. The son sends me a text early in the morning asking if I unfriended he and his dad. I told him no, that I just deleted my account. I was not trying to be mean, that's not why I did it. So I sent the boyfriend a text too, just saying I didn't unfriend anyone, that I just deleted the account. He replied back with "Now how many people told you that was a good idea". I replied with "no one. I didn'ttell anyone I was doing it". That was the end of that convo.

I don't have anything more to say to him....but this whole thing has made me so confused. The whole thing about telling me how he KNEW another friend felt appreciated by me, but guess what he was wrong, I let him know in a nice way, that was not the case..he replied with a .

This whole thing, has messed with my head. I feel like I was fighting a battle I couldn't win. I was paying for issues he still had from people SOOOO long ago. I don't mean to sound mean, but after 7 months, I don't think it's wrong to expect sex..but no. And on top of that, his issues only prevented him from giving, because he thought he would be bad in bed...but of course not from receiving oral sex. FUNNY how that works.

I've felt so undesireable, so unwanted, so unsexy, so many things. I took a chance and told him how I felt. I expressed my heart. He said nothing. If I wrote it, he said nothing. And at one point I put it on his wall on FB, and of course, he ignored it....so when I said you don't feel the same, he said you don't know that....UGH!

He likes to tease me. He said he loved to tease me like a little kid. Ok, so there is that, but when it's me, I'm picking on him...part of the reason he left me.

When he told me I was unappreciative and the whole thing with the party and my friend, I asked him "Am I really this bad?" He told me not to get defensive. Turns out the whole thing wasn't what the boyfriend thought, but I felt so horrible to think I had made a friend feel unappreciated for doing something nice for me.

My head is spinning.

 

it's sad that some guys still feel the need to have a "girlfriend" to convince people that they're straight.

 

I think that about sums it up.

 

No, pretty much the opposite of that really. He's not gay, a gay guy wouldnt do anything that increases the whining.

There is a big difference between not being interested in women and not being interested fulll stop. Massive difference between being scared of the angry beaver and being scared they'll get too excited

My money is on that he was telling the truth, and is a lousy lay, if after 7 months of frustration, the OP finally gets there to find he's a 30 sec wonder and thats all he ever going to be, he's going to get dumped, and he knows it, hence the stringing along......regardless of how much crap talk there is about trust, communication yada yada

Everything about the OPs post screams premo

 

"I feel like I was fighting a battle I couldn't win."

There ya' go.^ You're way over- thinking this. When you get to the point that you know what you WON'T put up with from other people in this life,you will have become more respectful of yourself and will not allow yourself to become so reactionary,especially regarding those that drag you down. Don't keep wasting your valuable time on a dolt. I suggest you disregard even HAVING a mate at this time and work on determining why you feel you deserve this kind of behaviour from anyone. Move on. Your time is limited.

 

Whose paying the bills ? in any event , after seven months and no sex and your unhappy , then it's way pased time to dump his ass . Or continue to be a doormat . People that live in the past will always live in the past . People with "baggage " will always have it .

If what your saying is true , and it was very long by the way . Then it's no longer about him ,it's about YOU . And why YOU choose to stay in this "relationship" . Cause it doesn't seem like much of one . I get he is "selfish" , "baggage", sexual hang ups and manipulating .The question is why are you still there ? Sometimes love isn't enough . And sex isn't eveything , however it's a major thing in any relationship . You deserve better , or at least an honest attempt on his part . Time to move on , and make yourself happy . Life is to short to get wrapped up in other peoples shit , that can never be solved . The bigger issue now is not him , but rather why you are tolerating it .

 

this guy needs a therapist, not a girlfriend.
its hard to accept but girl you need to move on.

i read in a book once "we accept the love we think we deserve" and i don't know you but i don't need to know you to tell you that you deserve everything you want. don't accept his love that falls short of your needs.

move on girl,
move on.

 

I can't tell you how much I laughed at this one.

 

You are soooooo right. I shouldn't have tolerated it and now it's time to focus on why I let it go on.

 

I wish this didn't hurt so much. Everything feels like a rejection of me on every level.

 

Most of the time, I'd recommend "some time" between healing from this guy and before picking up another. Most of the time. I dumped a whiny, immature man-child with a similar M.O. I felt so unattractive and well, just awful - but still hung up on him anyway. I hopped on pof with a killer profile and the overwhelming responses I got were GREAT for my self-esteem. Maybe you need a boost. I made a couple of friends that I still talk to as well as my current bf - who turned out to be just what I needed.

Sorry you're hurting... hope it gets better soon.

 

Thanks. The whole thing just seems so unreal to me. It floors me that he called ME unappreciative. I think he was selfish in most ways. And after all I gave him, he was rather umm....selfish. My head, my self estee, my everything is so twisted around.

 

Why do you give so much credence to someone that messes you up so bad? Quit it! You made a mistake and put the fate of your happiness in someone's hands that doesn't deserve that responsibility. We all make 'em in our lives. Move on and learn from it. Look at your post 12--that's not a productive way to feel about yourself.

 

Sometimes I think we get "hung up" not so much of the loss of that person, but the loss of what we "thought" it was going to be. Go no contact, get rid of everything you feasibly can that reminds you of him, start a new hobby/activity that keeps your mind busy. You'll see him more clearly sooner than you think... and it will stop hurting.

 

Scratcho is right . You can't let this effect your self esteem . From what you have written , this is his fault . Rather his selfishness . You have not asked for anything other than what you deserve feeling loved and needed . And if you have tried your best to help him and he still won't make an honest effort , then what else can you do ?

I give you credit for being there this long . It shows you have compassion and the patience of a saint . Yet when it starts to effect your mental outlook , then maybe it's time to think about making change . Our at least realizing this isn't your fault , it's his . And you are not the cause of it he is . Don't let his baggage become your baggage

 

This is so stupid...but right now, I wish that he would have that moment, that a-ha moment where he realizes what he has done. That moment of "Oh my God, I let her go, I made I mistake".

Now I am not saying that I would go back. I miss him. I love him. But, my wants, needs and fears were secondary. I do wish though he would at least get what he gave up and regret giving me up....I don't know if this makes any sense.

 

Makes plenty of sense if you want to keep hanging on or fretting about it. It will/would only get worse you know. Alas--you women always think you can change a man. From what you say-of course you'd go back. ---------My last post to you.

 

I remember being in the situation myself. Not for a long time, just for a week or so. I was the guy in the situation. I was feeling pretty shit about my life so I pushed my girlfriend away wanting her to come back to me and validate me. I was also looking for her to fill some holes in my life and if she couldn't do that I would blame her, not myself.

Seeing as I can't really apologise to her for doing that now and you need an apology from a guy who acted similarly to myself, I'd like to apologise to you. I hope you'll accept my apology and move one.