An extremely difficult problem I need help with - not a 'whine' but simply a petition

I feel so much shared sorrow with you for your situation. These illnesses, especially the Schizoaffective variety, combining wild mood swings WITH blatant schizophrenic psychoses, are probably amongst the most difficult to treat conditions on Earth. Unfortunately, just like most cancers, there really isn't a very effective medication treatment YET. Hopefully there will be at some point, for MY sake AND your family's sake.

Although I am 'stabilized' and all on my medication, the side-effects of the medication STILL preclude me from living a 'normal' life by far. As you have read in this post, I really CAN'T hold a 'real' job because of the incredible sedation and reduction in my motivation from the antipsychotics. Also, I can't work in a factory (although I DID before I was medicated) because my physical condition is very frail and weak. I just don't have any energy. And that is WITH the addition of amphetamine stimulants to my regimen (which ARE a legitimate treatment in CONJUNCTION with antipsychotics for patients who lose ALL motivation- I am just VERY lucky that they don't aggravate my illness at all- unlike things like Cannabis which send me fucking insane [haven't touched that stuff in at least 5 years...]).

Mental illness is really not something one can comprehend as "real" unless they have it or a close family member does. And, now-a-days, as doctors "pathologize" pretty much any 'negative' human emotion as mental illness (I recently read that they are going to add "chronic bitterness" to the DSM manual- how stupid), people feel that mental illnesses are a fucking joke. No- let's go back to the days when doctors treated mental illnesses like Bipolar, Schizophrenia, Panic Disorder, and Suicidal Depression and didn't waste their times with people with mid-life crises. Sorry for the rant...

Again, thank you for reading and having me in your mind. I surely have you and your family in my thoughts (I am not religious and don't pray, but I definitely still spend good blocks of time thinking about and empathizing with people).

And to the person two posts above, who I thought was doing a back-hand attack to me- sorry I read you wrong. I get TONS of attacks on this forum for my mental illness and the "novel" way that it is treated, so I tend to pick up bad vibes very easily. As for the limited 2C-I experiments in my past, I can honestly say that they did not interrupt or hinder my case at all. In fact, I made very LARGE psychotherapeutic break-throughs on the drug that would have likely taken more years in therapy to reach. I really have no intention on taking it any time again soon. It was just an experiment. I can tell if something "is bad" for my illness. For example, Cannabis sends me into a fucking train-wreck. I didn't know that for about two years in my college days (5-6 yeas ago), and I know for sure that it helped precipitate some of my WORST psychotic episodes. I just keep an open mind when it comes to drugs to treat my disorder. Sorry again.

 

It's not a problem. Clearly you have extraordinary challenges that none of us can completely comprehend and my hat's off to you for taking on the struggle. I did read enough of what you've written to see that you put a good deal of thought into what you do. One of my biggest frailties is assuming a level of expertise with things I'm confident about that I tend to react with hostility to well intended criticism so to take your previous response too personally on my part would be disingenuous at best.

No need for apologies and I hope you can work through this situation.

 

I appreciate your thoughtful response. I am glad you read through my post and see where I am coming from. It is just unfortunate that all-to-often on the Forums, posters jump-the-gun on me when I mention my mental illness struggles (assuming, probably, that I am one of the 'fake' mental illness patients that are all too common these days who really just are having ordinary struggles such as mid-life and teenage crises) and start to immediately subject all of my arguments and points to a level of scrutiny that would not be utilized on other members.

I believe that this forum would naturally attract such critics since some hippies tend to dismiss ALL mental illnesses and many more do not agree with taking psychiatric medication (although of course, I take my medication 100% voluntarily and WOULD object to having people "push" meds on me). We all have different opinions and I respect theirs, but they should not feel the need to put me down for my choices and lifestyle.

 

Well- first off, I don't really see myself as a hippie per se- though I do like some of the ideals. My perspective is from the standpoint of seeing the continued criminalization of drugs like marijuana to be irrational but I've long felt that a dialog that could bring about legalization should be a balanced one that doesn't advocated universal use. Our culture moves on half truths and legislation gains popular support by the dissemination of misinformation- as does all too often protest of unjust laws.

But talking about injustice related to the laws of the land is getting off track a great deal- the issue is your health and long term ability to be self supporting which by necessity must be more important to you than anything I've babbled about above... and more important than unfounded criticism by those who won't bother looking past their own prejudices about mental illnesses before delivering evidence of their own lack of compassion or ability to think beyond their own egotistical views. Would you dignify to such drivel by feeding its author something so valuable as your impassioned response? You shouldn't.

What you're facing is an extraordinarily challenging situation- that you will be better for having dealt with than you'd be had you never been faced with it in the first place. It's entirely possible that most of the rest of us wouldn't be dealing with it as well as you are currently. I wish you strength in your quest for success.

 

i agree with this, and i have to admit, i'm probably guilty of not taking your illness as seriously as i should have. i apologize for that.

but as far as working your ass off to get a college degree, and then being unable to find a job in your field...it happens to like 50% of graduates. that's the reason you cited for going to grad school. it's the reason i'm in grad school right now. it's reality, regardless of your particular situation, so it's probably best for you to try and forget about that aspect of it. you have to continue working hard to get that job. if you go get your master's, for example....good luck, man! you can do it! you can really teach undergrad with just a master's? that's one of the things i might like to do with my biochem Ph.D. when/if i get it.

 

At most research universities, in the Mathematics department, undergraduate courses are taught by those with Master's degrees, while the researchers with Ph.D s only teach occasionally, and if they do, it is graduate or senior-undergraduate level stuff.

I really hope that I can get the god-damned degree some day soon. It seems, like you said, to be the only 'ticket' to happiness for those of us who DID choose a difficult major in college and worked hard. Else, I will simply be bitter and hateful for the rest of my life.

I just really struggle with maintaining an energy-level high enough for long enough during the day to do anything extremely difficult. I mean, antipsychotics block dopamine receptors, so they essentially turn off your brain's desire to do anything whatsoever. You just want to sit there and do nothing. That is partly why I am also prescribed the Adderall. But honestly, when your dopamine receptors are already turned-off, even the amphetamines can only keep you going for 'short bursts'.

I REALLY hope that some day soon, they develop a medicine that is pharmacologically different from modern antipsychotics. In fact, there is speculation that they ARE working on something. It works by enhancing the flow of the amino acid "glycine" in the brain. We all know that glycine is good for your body, but it has a very specific function in the brain involving over-excitability in the neural pathways that happen to be the site of dopamine receptors. But the drugs are a good decade away. But at least maybe some day decades from now, I won't have to feel like the walking dead anymore, but not have to sacrifice my sanity. I mean, I COULD stop taking my antipsychotic. But I have tried that a handful of times and ended up so fucked up in the head that you couldn't even imagine the shit I had cooked up in my mind. Within only a month or so!

 

God-Damn-IT! I finally had the nerve to sign up on a 'jobs-forum' type of site and tried to post a thread detailing my situation and asking for assistance. And guess what? I wasn't allowed to post it, because it claimed "You are not allowed to post anything vulgar, offensive, etc."

Now, I looked through the thing, and I didn't use ANY foul language (unlike I do here haha), and I used meticulous grammar skills. I tried editing it a few times, until I realized what the problem was!

Since I spent time talking about my Schizoaffective Bipolar situation and mental illness, THAT is what they were censoring! They wouldn't let me talk about something so "evil". This really pisses me the fuck off, because just yesterday, my psychotherapist, who is very good, told me straight-out that she has NO IDEA what I should do in my situation.

So I figured I would post in this jobs-forum and I can't even do that because of this fucking mental illness. Basically, every dream I have ever had in my life...it has been robbed because of this stupid illness. I didn't do a damned thing to inherit this stupid illness. I do everything I should to keep it controlled but I STILL get fucked over because of it.

 

How do you possibly expect to teach if you can't stand or maintain a high energy level for prolonged periods, can't stay awake or focused, can't tolerate dealing with people and obviously embrace polypharmacy? Do you expect to not have to follow specific professional criteria once teaching? I really think you should consider a back up plan.

 

I really don't want to talk to you. Please don't post in this thread. I don't get good 'vibes' when you poke into topics I have posted in.

As I said in the other thread (and of course in my most slicked-back-hair-swarty-Mafiosa-voice) "Get 'Outta Here!"

 

Lmfao. The world of academia is going to chew you up and spit you out with that attitude. You think you're bitter and angry now? Just wait.
Good luck son, best learn some coping skills.

 

I certainly will not pretend to understand what you are going thru. Tutoring as someone mentioned would,I assume,be one on one and easier for you to handle. Seems like plenty of students need help with math. However,it also seems many folks are actually making a living using the internet. Would that be something that you would be interested in or could do? I don't know--I'm not much help,but I hope you can find what you're looking for. I just can't imagine having to take the drugs that you have to take---just to maintain. I'm sorry it's that way for you.

 

get out of here, all you do is try and cause conflict

 

Yeah! Go and take your conflict somewhere else Brynn!! while we sit here blowing sunshine up each other's ass because we much prefer to be coddled within the safety of this thread than to have to face the reality that we've set unrealistic goals for ourselves. Stop posting until you plan on telling us what we want to hear!! :2thumbsup:

 

Ok. Can we please act like civilized people. This is turning into the worst case of "Assuming things makes an ass out of you and me."

You assumed I was some sort of drug injecting maniac , which is not true. Thus it made an ass out of you. It also made an ass out of me, because it hit the heart of my personal beliefs and took advantage of my very short temper, so I ended up looking like an angry monster.

Let's just start anew and not harbor any assumptions but rather lets grow to know each other slowly like relationships in the real world.

You are entitled to not like when people take prescriptions they aren't prescribed. And I am entitled to think that drugs like Cannabis pose a serious risk for mental health in more individuals than usually thought. But while we may "hate" each other's opinions, let's not hate EACH OTHER.

I urge you to read some of my blog posts so that you can get to know me better and not jump the gun and ASSUME what type of guy I am.

 

Tutoring is always an option but I would like to have a "steady" income if at all possible. I never thought of online tutoring, though, which I could do. That is a novel idea. Thanks for responding.


Also, does anyone else know where I should go for advice now that my parents, my friends, and my therapist have no ideas AND since that jobs forum won't let me post because it screens out words associated with mental illness?

 

Opinion stated. Perhaps it could have been phrased differently but I think the basic question would be fair otherwise.

If you don't want to talk to a particular user then why respond at all? This response changed the tone of the discussion. I get the feeling that you might be easily offended. I understand that you may be dealing with unusual circumstances but this is an open forum where many different types of responses are going to be made. Beyond the scope of this topic I strongly suggest you work on not allowing other people to get to you. Showing your annoyance only encourages attacks.

Since it's clear that the OP is going to react negatively to your posts then I must ask myself what possible objective could there be to this... since there's little possibility that the OP will be open to anything you have to say- however much sense you feel it makes. Sometimes backing off is a better choice than simply trying to prove yourself right.

If this were hockey, you'd get a 2 minute minor... you're the third person in and this reply does nothing to further the actual topic. It just helps degenerate into something that will be fated for closure and deletion

You have to get the last shot in? You've made your point. If it is as right as you seem to feel then it needs no further bolstering by anyone.

I'm not going to act as a referee and aggressively exclude anyone from a topic but please keep things civil. The only thing certain types of posts can possible accomplish is provoking and that is not allowed. it's not at all necessary that we like or agree with one another but we can differ with civility. Any further moves to escalate this from any party will be dealt with appropriately.

 

Are you a narcissist too?
I never assumed anything about you, nor did I notice you "making an ass out of me" so I hope you didn't put too much wasted effort into that.... You must be bright enough to recognize that when asking for advice on an internet forum you're going to actually get some advice. You might not like it but that's just the way it is.

What exactly is stopping you from sending out letters and resumes to prospective employers like everyone else does???? Why do you feel like you have to explain your diagnosis when job hunting? You're shooting yourself in the foot by doing so.

"Hey Bob, I'd really like a job and I'll do my very best every day but I have Crohn's & will likely need to spend large portions of my working hours in the bathroom shitting through the eye of a needle and writhing in pain. ///// don't you see how fucking ridiculous that is?

 

If we cannot play nice this discussion will be closed. Why offer advice if it is clear that the intended recipient is not open to it?

 

Ok everyone - have an opinion, just make sure you don't feel TOO strongly about it, because it might escalate!!

LOL :2thumbsup:

 

I hope that this thread need not be closed, because I am simply seeking ideas from the other members about something which is really causing hardship in my life. I would be dissapointed if it had to be closed because some people will not subdue their anger. But if that is the only choice, you are the moderator and you can do as you please.