Hello everyone. I posted a few months ago about wanting to have and child and my husband not being ready. I got some really good advice, thanks!! Just when I thought we had worked through that (I decided that it WAS better to wait till after college) he drops a bomb on me. Not only doesn't he want to have kids now, he's not sure he wants them ever. He's also not sure he's "cut out" to be married. Needless to say I freaked out. There was yelling and screaming on my part, I'm not proud of it but oh well... So anyway, while he's trying to decide if our marraige is over I'm stuck in this kind of limbo. It's like he's making this huge decision that effects both of our lives and I don't even get a say in it. I am so confused, and scared. I've been with him for 6-7 years and we've been married for almost 2. I don't have an alternate plan... I never thought anything like this would happen. And the worst part is I am starting to really resent him.... and it makes me feel like a horrible person. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
hang in there. i don't have answers but i'm here for you and feel for you. trust your heart and take it moment by moment.
Sweetie, you're still young (assuming your profile age is correct)... if things don't work out right with this guy, there are plenty of other fish in the sea I don't think you have absolutely no say in this choice though... I mean, if you two could sit down and talk about the future without fighting (hard for most couples, I know.. I run away when the screaming/tears/frustration starts personally) maybe you two could reach a decision together? Or at least, have an idea of what's really going on in each others heads.
how about you dont hang around waiting... he diesnt deserve that. its not fair on you for him to have you only when he wants you. I'm not saying go out and shag something, but stop making decisions that involve him. Dont even give him a thought. That way, if he does leave, you'll know that you can do it on your own... in your heart mind and in your pocket. I wish you luck babe, I know exactly how you feel, you think your fine with the relationship and they go and start making decisions about things, your left standing there going "What happened to my relationship, where did it go?"
Wow..I don't have any actual advice, but I'm really sorry he's doing this to you. That's really, really mean. (((hugs))) RetroGroove make a good point... maybe he doesn't deserve you waiting around.
I have only been married for three years. And I tell you if my husband came to me and said he wasn't sure that marrige was for him. The first thing I would do is pack up me and the kid, and we would go stay with my family in FL. There is no way I would stay with someone who only wants me when it is convenit for him. I have been there and don't want to do it again. I am not saying that I would leave him for good. But I would give him time to think out his "problem" on his own. Let him see what it is like not to have me and kiddy around. If he takes to long to solve his problem. Well I guess I would jsut move on with my life. I know it would not be easy, but it's better than being with someone who is not sure if they want me or not.
marriage counceling. especially if he's willing to go. You need to be able to talk these things over with each other both getting your say in and being respectful to each other at the same time. If he has issues with actualy being a husband maybe there are deeper issues he's trying to work out in himself. You guys need to find those and understand them. Everything need s to come to the table at this point and be worked out. If you can't work it out and decide you don't want to wait around anymore for him to decide if he wants kids with you and if he wants to be with you keep moving.
geez it would be different if you weren't married and he was freaking about getting married, but getting cold feel after two years of marraige is fucked. I would leave unless there's another side of the story you're not telling.
My only advice would be to seek advice from people who know both of you very well. You can't expect sound counsel on a matter of this magnitude from strangers on the internet!
well I can relate. I am a young person Ive been with my guy for 8 years we have lived together for 3 almost 4 years and have a 3 year old and we have been through our share of hard times and counceling together. I know with understanding of each other you can get through just about anything if you really want to
We have done a lot of talking, and I have managed to stay pretty level headed the entire time. He has been talking this out with people close to him (mostly his mother, though I'm not sure that's helping). I know that I don't need him to live my life and that I would be just fine without him. I just don't want to be without him. I've also thought about leaving for a time to give him space to figure himself out. I'd love to do that, just have time to clear my head, it isn't possible however. I'm in college and I can't just take off. Also our financial life is so based on shared money, etc... that I don't know if I could afford to leave. It sucks cause I'm starting to feel like I wasted all these years of my life, went to a school I didn't really want to, and moved away from my family, for someone who doesn't even want me anymore. Thanks for the feedback.
My husband and I change our mids about kids pretty much on a daily basis. There was a point when we wanted none, then we wanted one of our own for the sake of carrying on our genetic line, then we wanted to have one right away, then we thought we should wait another 5-6 years, then it was back to none, now we say we'll probably just adopt. We have been around the block and back on this issue, and we have only been together 4 years! Point being, everyone's perspective changes over time (sometimes quickly!) and there is certainly more talking and counseling to be done before calling a marriage quits. It just may be that you two have completely different ideas of a future and it just may be irreconcilable, but it just could be that your husband feels overwhelmed, and thinking about having children is the very last thing on his mind right now which could easily change as he get's older. You guys need to work this out, however. Just try to keep your calm, and react to eachother logically and rationally rather than emotionally about this issue. It may not be easy, and if you feel the wave of emotion coming on excuse yourself and pick up the conversation when it suits you better. Seeing a relationship therapist may be beneficial as well, since having a neutral 3rd person present may help you guiys communicate your feelings better.
I would definitely suggest some sort of counselling. It sounds like there is a lot more going on than just questioning whether he wants to have kids. I have to question how good of an idea it is for him to talk this through with his mom -- some moms are great, but others would try to get him to see what she wants him to see, so that he does what she thinks is best for him, regardless of what he would really choose on his own... In theory, an objective outside person, especially a trained counsellor, would be a better choice to get him to really examine himself & see what is at the root of these questions.
Sounds like you did have a say in it, and he has a say in it too, it's just that you don't like what he's got to say. It's a stalemate. Parenthood is a very important , life-style altering decision, esp. to bring it up while ur both still in school, it can't be made unilaterally. He may be more open to having a baby after college and perhaps after he gets a carreer underway. Put it to rest til then or else the pressure will drive him away.
I'm really sorry sweetheart. I can't understand why, after getting married, and being married for 2 years, being together as a couple for 7 years, why he would be getting cold feet now. It sounds somewhat suspicious. It could be that he is afraid of having children, and he feels pressure, even if it's not intended, from you to have a family. I'm suprised that this issue wasn't addressed before your vows were taken. Did he want children before and has just recently changed his mind? Or was there always doubt? I have a friend who has gone through a very similar situation. In fact, when I first read your post, I had to do a double-take because for a moment I thought it might be her posting. I know it has been a very long, drawn-out painful situation for her, but slowly, she is healing. You must have a very serious discussion with your husband. He either wants to make things work, or not. As hard as this may be to hear, if he isn't willing, things may be coming to an end. But you must tell yourself that if this is the way he wants to be, that you are much better off and that you deserve so much more. I know that from having my children and how much I adore them, I could have never been with someone who did not want children. I would have never sacraficed that, no matter how much I might have loved that person. I wouldn't want to live with such a deep regret. And you don't have to. I wish you much peace, and I hope that things work out for the best. Much love...
I don't know why this has come up all of a sudden. He even admits that until recently he was on board for having a family. He kept telling me that he did want kids eventually, and then one day he just changed his mind I guess. I don't know. I don't even know if its worth working out. Whenever we work things out it seems like I end up being the one making compromises, not him.
