Tell truthfully how you became a junkie.

I know it's a painful topic, why else would we be so drawn to dope if there wasn't a deep seeded pang to suppress?

I've been kicking for almost a week now, and as many of you know, the first few weeks of kicking have you OBSESSED with junk 24/7.

My story is sad and ironic to say the least. My girlfriend of the time, back in November of 2004, the 18th to be precise, was killed three days after a car accident that shattered my spine and broke sundry other bones. I don't honestly know which hurts more to this day, her death or my back...and just writing these words has me in tears.

For me, the first weeks after the wreck I was a mess and gobbling benzos, booze, muscle relaxers, and dope night and day. The horrible irony was that the car accident that took my beloved from me and left me in shambles, dressed in a body cast happened on our way back from Mexico where we'd gone to get benzos, booze and ketamine. The woman driving spent time in prison while I was forced on disability leaving a promising career in graphic design behind.

The first doctor to address my issues prescribed me liquid morphine and morphine extended release pills. A few drops, a few hundred milligrams and I was hooked. Clonazepam and temazepam, and later carisoprodol were added to my list of habits that already included alcohol, tobacco and occasionally cocaine. Giving me morphine was both the best and only real option available, but also like giving keys to a Camaro to a 10 year old. I got reckless.

Day in, day out I was nodding intentionally, so bad those first few months are still a blur. I eventually got curious and switched to Vicodin and methadone, this worked for a time. Curiouser and curiouser from methadone to Oxycontin to Kadian to Dilaudid back to MS Contin and on to Opana ER. My first time rigging up and slamming dope was with Dilaudid. First just 8mg, then onward and up to 40mg.

My first date with heroin left me unimpressed. It took a whole gram at $25 a pop or so to achieve what I got from 24mg of hydromorphone. I experimented with smoking hundreds of micrograms of fentanyl (sometimes blacking out) and snorting entire 80mg Oxycontin OC's before the lousy OP's. I have such a tolerance that I can snort 80mg oxymorphone and still coherently function.

I follow safety precautions like mad, so track marks are almost invisible...almost. Since my dope is both free due to disability and much stronger than smack, diacetylmorphine is not terribly interesting to me; and having unsuccessfully kicked eight times before this unintentional abstinence of dope plus a guarantee of free dope for life, I don't doubt for a second this junkie here writing is a lifer. I'm not even sure I'd like to quit.

My benzo addiction is equally bad, but drinking heavily I did quit some years back.

So that's my sob story, what's yours?

 

I have a serious mental illness called Schizoaffective Disorder (a combination of mood disorder and schizophrenia). It is notoriously hard to treat and most people cannot find relief in conventional medications. For me, the meds helped with the schizophrenic symptoms but not with my mood.

Then I hurt my shoulder and was given Hydrocodone. From that moment on, I learned that life is INDEED worth living! So I self-medicated for a year and a half, never becoming a 'junkie' but certainly an illicit opioid addict (taking 15 Tramadol tablets per day off the grey market...). I actually started to function BETTER than before the opioids because of the odd nature of the illness.

So I read that there are experimental treatments of treatment-resistant mood disorders with Buprenorphine (Suboxone). I finally got the balls to go to a good Suboxone doctor and asked if he would treat me off-label for my Schizoaffective Disorder. He agreed. I have been taking 3-4 mg (usually 3 mg) of Suboxone Film everyday for 16 months and have not touched an 'illicit' opioid since Day One of treatment. Life now is very much WORTH LIVING. I look forward to every single day as an opportunity to better myself and help people.

The Suboxone doesn't 'drug me up' or make me neglect any sort of duties. It doesn't make me have 'cravings' for harder opioids, etc. It is essentially a drug that functions as what I would IMAGINE a REAL antidepressant would function. I still take my psych. meds for the schizophrenic aspect, and they help a lot in that realm, but I have been able to go down on the doses of all of them, and even went off of two of the hard-core ones completely.

So, yes, you can call me a 'junkie' but in reality, I would be dead from suicide (and I am almost 100% sure of that) had I not discovered opioids. I function 10 times better now than before that fateful day of being given that Hydrocodone three years ago.

 

Thanks for your honest candor etkearne. I have temperal lobe brain damage also from that accident, mild Asperger's, adult ADHD, PTSD with comorbid Panic, Generalized Anxiety, Chronic Insomnia, & OCD as well as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which manifests alternately with paranoia, schizoid & bipolar like temperaments along with lethargy and apathy. I can relate & take Neurontin and alternate between taking Wellbutrin & Geodon vs. psychedelics medicinally.
As a matter of fact, opioids actually have real antidepressant effects. You know Subutex is 100% buprenorphine while Suboxone is closer to (I am fairly certain) an 8:2 ratio of buprenorphine and naloxone, a strong opioid antagonist which I'm almost certain as well is 100% of what Narcan is composed of...icky stuff IMO but saved my life twice when I've OD'ed.

You're not a typical junkie per ce, more of a pragmatic man. That's my impression from your brave story--& I'm totally serious about your brave candor. Discussing pain can be traumatic in and of itself. I cannot even openly talk about my PTSD causes aside from the accident. My childhood was rampant with all manner abuse is as brave as I can say.

Once again thank you. Being opioid dependent is a disease like alcoholism and shouldn't carry the stigma we're branded with coated in shame to boot no less. It's absolutely bullshit IMO. I for one am not ashamed of it.

 

I don't have an addictive personality. I've tried a few different kinds of drugs, I think I'd pin my nonaddictive behavior on being introduced to psychedelics. Once I met them, I had no need to do anything else like coke and pills I was doing and I also didn't feel the need to drop LSD constantly. Now I'm healthy and feel happy and fulfilled without drugs. I went through a small stage of fleeting abuse for just a few years but now I'm just able to say no. It was just my reaction.

Oh, and the hospital should NOT of given you morphine. Those motherfuckers give that out like candy.

 

Those of us without addiction issues cannot really relate. We can want to help; we can be sympathetic to a point; but if you haven't been there you won't ever really know what it's like.
I wouldn't try to dilute the authenticity of this thread by talking about how I don't have an addiction.
It takes a lot to be able to openly discuss this.

 

Should or shouldn't have, it was my family practitioner who actually wrote the scripts for benzos and morphine. I have mixed feelings about it but mostly feel it was the right thing ATM. With frayed nerves and a shattered spine, I seriously think I'd have commited suicide had she not. So in some ways I'm grateful for this curse, it beats the alternative (death). Watching my intimate partner DIE and having no power to stop it severely scarred me.

Thank you for the sentiment. I started this thread because I have a close friend who was trying his damnedest to kick. He was a nurse formerly and I'm fairly certain studied medicine, chemistry or pharmacology aside from becoming an RN. He told me how his habit began, ironically he hated heroin beforehand.

One day he just up and disappeared. I fear he's dead, so this thread is not just about the disease but also hopefully instrumental in helping us addicts to be aware of our mortality and at the very least promote safe use.

 

i lived w/ this lady that i worked with. she first had gotten cancer in her female area or whatever, and she would go to work in pain a lot. i would try to console her all the time, and she started to ask old ppl at her other job (waitress) for random pain pills to ease the pain from the cancer. well she eventually got the cancer removed, but didnt stop the pills. for about 2 years i didnt really notice anything unusual cept she was a lil loopy anywayz. one day i went to visit her at her house, and there were pill bottles all in her freezer and medicine cabinets like nobody's business.

then she started to go out w/ some dude named scott. well i moved in a lil later on, and the first 2 dayz of me being here, i found pill bottles everywhere, thinking like wtf man. then they were all gone. (she hid them). so i thought whatever i've done vikes or whatever here and there never got crazy on them or anything screw it. but then she'd go on crazy binges of doing pain killers and drinking heavy amounts of vodka on top of them. i understand the drinking part myself. i'd have to call into her work so she'd still have a job there all the time. first she'd be out for 3/4 dayz at a time, then a week and a half at a time! one day i noticed she kept going into this cabinet. so i waited till she was passed out, and saw a half full bottle of methadones.
she'd drive around all messed up like that (methadones and drunk off her ass) to get more vodka from the store. i confronted her about it, and said she could kill someone let alone herself driving around like that, and she was messing up her life. well she did it one more time (crazy binge), and i told her i didnt feel sorry for her feeling like shit, she knows she needs to quit. (being harsh w/ her kinda to help her.) well she was fine for awhile. and i moved out soon after that.
then i went to cali, for a year, came back got ditched at our old job, and she gave me a ride home and i talked to her. she seemed alright, like nothing was wrong, not fucked up.
3 weeks later she died of alcohol poisoning, i know of for sure, but im not sure about all the facts.

 

apparently she never really quit. she wouldnt do it everyday, she'd be sober for a lil while then do it again. guess im telling the story of the other side of it. of the one that lived/dealt w/ a bad addiction of a friend. i knew her for almost 7 years i'd say. its kinda sad honestly.

 

It is sad and thank you for sharing. Strangely enough a friend from this forum whom I consider a brother called me last night to see how I was doing and pointed out the severity of my addictions just after posting this; I'm certain he didn't even know I had. He's an addict too. Sadly but not surprisingly all of my closest friends are addicts, I will not divulge my friend's name but he shed some light on my reckless patterns and was severely concerned.

I'm grateful to have a friend who can be on the other side like you to your friend. I'm sorry to hear she OD'ed. I'm lucky people care enough to confront me like you did her.

 

Yes, although I am not and never have been a 'junkie' per se, I certainly could have seen myself turning into one had I not said "enough is enough" and just got on the Suboxone.

One powerfully emotional thing I noticed about opioid users is the amount of very DEEP and painful core reasons for which they began using. The reason is NEVER just a 'easy' to identify thing or something that can be 'fixed' quickly (like so many ANNOYING interventionist shows portray). It is a core WOUND in their psyche.

 

It seriously is always about addressing, suppressing, burying, and numbing/dulling those core psychological issues as you pointed out. I mean shit, I'm not making up the laundry list of psychiatric, physical and neurological conditions I have. In some ways I'm like a modern Phineus Gage.

If I could only get to Peru...ayahuasca. Although this program gets it wrong about DMT in the vine, it's in the chacruna and chaliponga leaves while the MAOI harmala alkaloids are in the vine. Ayahuasca and iboga hold promise. I truly believe that: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6q-dUjoW5g&feature=youtube_gdata_player"]Drugs Inc. - Hallucinogens - YouTube

I've had a couple rehab interventions, it's more like jail with smoke breaks, clonidine, Ativan, Librium and multi-vitamins. It's horseshit. Thanks to all for taking this seriously. Society has a skewed view.

It's just so complex an issue, I'd like to be able to function dope free but love being "comfortably numb".

 

As you probably know, I DO integrate psychedelics into my regimen. I tend to trip once every three or four months. My last trip was extremely powerful and helped me immensely (it was with the chemical 2C-I). I would suggest it for any opioid dependent person.

 

2C-C, 2C-B, and DMT have been immensely helpful for me. This 2C-x ban sucks.

Yes I've followed some of your posts, so am aware you use psychedelic medicine too. My psychiatrist is supportive of it actually and even wrote my medical marijuana script.

Forgive my naivety but how do psychedelics gel with schizophrenia? I hope the question isn't too personal.

 

I understand. I had a brother who was an addict. He up and disappeared one day. They found his body a month later. The toxicology reports lead them to believe he died of an overdose. We will never know if it was intentional or not. I take the subject of addiction very seriously. You have my sincere best wishes.

 

my story is way to long, but i always loved pills,more,and more, and then heres h. now 2 bags and 2 vics a day. 4 on weekend days. i was clean 6 months or more ago, shit happens to me alot i guess i let it.

 

It was good old fashioned Robitussen with codeine. I was in the sixth grade and kind of depressed about fitting in and found that with opiates it didn't really matter anymore when I was on them I felt great happieness. Stil using for the same reason I guess. This was back in the early 70's when you could still get real codeine in cough medicine.

 

I smoked herb since I was 18, and became a very occasional user (a few days a month or only on the weekends in my mid 20's because I was too busy with my career and married to my job. I went back for a second degree, smoked pot heavily the first two years. Tried cocaine a couple of times after that. My third year back in school, started taking Xanex, and then tried snorting and monkey watering heroin. Snorted Oxyconting for the first time, but this was very occasional and i only did it a few times. But, i became a moderately heavy cocaine user. I moved in with a girlfriend, and things went all to hell. Horrible relationship and the only way I could deal with it was shooting smack. My friend rigged me up the first time and gave my my first shot. I learned how to shoot up and find a good vein very quickly after that. Things went down from there, I was shooting up blow every day and heroin on a regular basis, sometime together in the same week. My arms were so sore and burned out from shooting up I couldn't surf anymore or do anything else. I even started banging my prescription ritalin. My life became a living hell. I haven't gotten high for a month. I'm weaning my self off of H, and seldom do it if ever. Haven't banged or gotten high on anything in a month I don't crave it every day so much. Been going from two to three week spans of not getting high to a month span now, hopefully stopping for good next time or at least waiting a couple of months, weaning myself off. My career is really getting back on track, and that really motivates me to work hard and it keeps my mind off of using.

 

I must now officially "qualify" my statement about psychedelic use. I was 'ranting' in another thread, and was accused by a member of essentially being a 'nut-job' because I am mentally ill and have taken psychedelics.

First, I mention that the mentally ill have every right to take a psychedelic drug as a normal person. In fact, some of the earliest uses of these drugs were to help mentally ill and drug addicts reach a sense of inner peace. In fact, I can say 100% of the way, that that is what happened in my few psychedelic trips. I felt more at peace with this cruel world than I ever have!

Second, it is worth noting that I adhere to one of the most strict psychopharmacological regimens (taking psych meds) there is. I NEVER miss a single dose of the drugs that control my psychosis but also rob me of some of the most basic human experiences: sexual excitement, desire, motivation, love, etc. So I just wanted to qualify these things for the people who attempt to use this fact against my 'rant'.

After all, isn't every person entitled to feel fed up with things the way they are. Or...are all of the mentally ill supposed to remain in an ignorant, stupified state of complacence while being devoid of every other trait that makes them a human being?

 

Our stories aren't that dissimilar polishman. Your pain and my pain even overlap; I'd become a moderately heavy cocaine user with this girlfriend cum fiance cum ex-fiance and so there was even a bit of that numbing away that which drove me nuts involved, typically with a woman involved in what was eating at me. Strangely, when I put coke and booze down, even with habits, I was able to quit both cold turkey. Now I can drink a couple beers and/or snort a few lines and be done with either for the night right there. Psychedelics do more good for actually addressing the problems not systemic in my psychological/neurological conditions, which is a lot. Only psych/neuro meds help otherwise. But it's all drugs involved, which is why I don't believe in AA/NA. At least I can say for the most part, I use my meds as prescribed including opioids and benzos but mostly opioids. I abuse the Dilaudid, Opana ER, Tranxene, and Dalmane a wee bit, the opioids more, but find I'm doing so less and less and just taking them as prescribed most often nowadays! That's LEAPS and bounds over last month when I started this thread. Just talking with y'all and hearing your stories makes me more conscientious of my addictions. Actually I'm using this organization's computer that helped bail me out here recently, along with my shrink, by drafting a note like my shirnk did for the judge. With those plus my NA/AA card filled with around 90 days worth of two signatures per week, I got out of NA meetings and thank heavens. Those do no work, those meetings. It's the same group of people, at any given meeting anyway, all preaching the 12 steps, and all feeling sorry for themselves for the havoc they caused. Meh to that and thank the gods it's OVER!

And etkearne: Fuck those jerks trying to tell you you're a nutjob for using sikes to help improve your well-being and center you. That's what they do it for, what's the issue with you doing it? If you're taking your psych meds the chances of you becoming delusional are almost nil, probably the same rate as someone with no (apparent) mental disorders. I believe everyone's got their own unique potpouri of psychiatric issues be they neuroses or psychoses or somewhere between, even pathological disorders like phobias and psycho- and sociopathologies. They're lying to themselves, probably because they can function well in society.

Last night I took a definitive diagnostic test that showed I'm *actually* a high functioning Autistic man or I'm not mild, but extreme Asperger's of the two. Thus proving partially my expectations that I experience reality far differently from most people.

Like you, I still take my meds (Tranxene, Dalmane, Dexedrine, Neurontin, Wellbutrin, Geodon, Marinol, and Vistaril). I go off the Wellbutrin and Geodone a few days in advance of a trip, feel immensely better after that trip, and then resume course with those two psych meds. You sound like you do sort like I do. Dunno, mayhaps?

I sure do hope that I can stay good with my painkillers. I dunno, I think I can. Usually I'm so bad I have to give a friend one or two dillies to rig me up and make the shot happen in one single poke. I'm afraid at my best I'm too shakey for much good to come my way trying to shoot up. I turn myself into a pin cushion. But if I'm desiring dope, I'lll gladly poke around until I draw blood and plunge. Lately though, even 32mg hydrom. IVed with 40mg oxym. just barely gives me a buzz--a bad sign. Orally they'll already be less effective, and are, but I caught it in time to comboat the worst of it and resume a reugular course of taking 3 Dilaudid 8's and two Opana ER 40's orally, daily. There's even little habit-forming properties to the Opana ER due its formulation and 1%/hour bioavailability...if taken right. It's formulated as less euphoric than heroin, but snorted, it's got 40% bioavailabilty, builds tolerance quicker than snot, and is both HIGHLY euphoric when bypassing first pass metabolism and about 6x the potency of heroin! Eeeek!

 

cosmoknot: Your story sounds similar to mine in referring to how you view your mental illness and how you freely admit that the psychiatric medications are essential to your regimen (even though it isn't 'cool' to admit to taking those drugs). It is interesting how we both take opioids, stimulants, benzos, and psych. meds. Honestly, I have found that ONLY that specific combination (maybe not the benzos, I hate them...) works in keeping me from complete lunacy.

Like you, lately I have been able to keep the excessive pill-taking and abuse of my own script to a personal record low. Most days I just take everything as prescribed and will just insufflate 1/2 of my third Adderall tablet for the day. But that's about it now. Compared with a few years ago when I would take (on top of the psych meds) like 12 Tramadol tablets (popping them like candy LITERALLY as I walked down the street haha), snorting up 5 or 6 Adderall in a matter of a few hours, and also drinking on top of things (which I don't do at all anymore- I just don't like how it mixes with the other meds at all).

I am improving and so is my mental illness. Best of luck to both of us and the other 'chemically overloaded' people in this forum!