Alright, sorry this is so long, but I need some opinions. I only have 1 friend that I've come out to and she's straight so I kinda want a lesbian's opinion, but don't have anyone to ask. Maybe there's something I'm missing since this is my first girl relationship. I'm 27 and have been waiting for the right person to come along. Anyways, I have been going out with this girl for a little over a year now. We just had our 1 year anniversary the other day. Things are going well, she's a little hard to get a commitment out of (like planning to go out), but when we first started to go out she had 2 jobs and not a lot of free time. And now, well, she was sick for a while & she had to quit one of her jobs, she's getting fired from her other job for asking for a raise, & says she's always stressed about money & she thinks something wrong with her healthwise. I think I'm getting off topic here, but who knows maybe it will add to your thoughts. The point is she's the first person I've had sex with. If you can call it that. Basically, she touches me, I get off, and then if I try to touch her (before, during, or after) I get pushed away. When we first started to go out I at least got to see breasts, but now I have to literally beg to see anything. It's just not the way I envisioned our relationship after 1 year. I've tried talking to her about it and when we first started dating she said it was cuz she had a scar on her stomach, but there's no scar. At 3 months she said she's doesn't like her body image, at 6 months it was she's sick & doesn't feel well, at 9 months it was she doesn't really like sex, & on our anniversary it was no, I want to please you (which is probably the reason I hate the most). I don't know what to do. I want to make her feel good, like she makes me feel, but I feel like I'm completely shut out. I tried the whole set up a romantic night with candles and massage oil. I even asked my roommate to spend the night at a friend's so she would feel more comfortable, but she decided to leave early. I made her dinner & brownies & wrote her little love notes, but it seems like i can't prove to her that I love her enough and I just don't know how else to make her feel comfortable with me. It feels like she doesn't trust me. And I feel like we are not in the same place in our relationship. I feel like she's holding back. I'm really trying to be understanding, even though a lot of the stuff doesn't make sense to me. Not to mention I keep wondering if I'm wasting my time. If she's never going to let me touch her or see her should I just move on? I mean I'm 27. I still want to explore things, sexual things. I just feel frustrated, upset, and disappointed. I feel like she's afraid I'm either going to hurt her or that I am literally incapable of making her feel good. Which who knows, maybe she's right cuz I never get a chance to find out. Please help. Any advice is appreciated just don't be too harsh. I really do love her.
I think if you tried talking to her about it, it's been that long, nothing has changed and you're not happy then maybe you should just move on.
It all sounds very familiar from here ... my partner, K, behaved pretty much like that (except she didn't want to make any effort to please me, either). The reason isn't hard to find, though. She's a double rape victim, and has big issues about getting intimate with anyone as a consequence. 20 years on, she's much more comfortable about physical intimacy. Doesn't push me away any more. But it's still far from the ideal relationship I once imagined we'd have. I wouldn't be surprised to find that your partner has sme such issues lurking in her past. Maybe not rape. But something that affects her ability to relate to you physically. And the question you must ask yourself is, do you love her enough to accept that that's the way it is and live with it? If so, then in 20 years time you might be the one sitting here doling out advice. If not, then the sooner you face up to the fact that this relationship isn't working, break up and move on, the better.
Yep, my story is quite similiar to yours, my gf let's me touch her, but sometimes she squirms and is quite obviously uncomfortable. I knew she was holding back from me, and we also just celebrated our 1 year anniversary. She finally just opened up to me about something horrific that happened to her when she was quite young, and almost 25 years on, still struggles with it. She has had a lot of counselling but sometimes the pain still rears its head. I'm a lot more understanding now I know what she has been through. I never pushed her to tell me, I think she was just waiting till the time was right, and she knew that she could trust me. My only advice is that if you truly love her, just be patient with her. Who knows, maybe nothing horrible has ever happened to her, and she could just have some serious body issues, either way just try talking to her and treat her with love and care xxx
I don't think I could wait 20 years and still not have the intimacy I'm looking for in the relationship. Then again, I have waited over a year. But as you can tell from my post I'm not doing well with the waiting. Maybe if she wasn't my first I'd feel differently, but I feel like I'm missing out on something that is an important part of a relationship. The intimacy part of a relationship is pretty important, right? Its always seemed like it should be pretty important to me. I don't think my g/f has had anything horrific happen to her. I'd like to believe that she'd tell me, but I'm not so sure anymore. Lately anytime I bring up anything about "us" she says she doesn't wanna talk about it.
Maybe it is time to move on. You said it yourself: you wanna explore and you feel like your missing out on a very important part of your relationship. And for most couples (yes I am aware of the exeptions) sex is a very important part. You say you'd like to believe she would tell you what was wrong. Without getting in detail here, I've had some pretty horrific experiences too and I wouldn't be able to talk about it with anyone but my therapist right now... Just sayin' Look, eventually it's your choice. But maybe you could try to sit down with her and tell her that this whole situation is really taking it's toll. If you feel like you shouldn't contunue like this, say so. But don't start threathing to leave if you're not serious about it. That's all I can really do for you, but I really hope you figure things out...
