Is living together before getting engaged...

really the best thing to do? Discuss.

On one hand, you really get to know the person and their habits you might not normally see before you decide if you're sure you want to spend your life with the person. But on the other hand, some guys will get used to the living arrangement and not feel the "need" for engagement or marriage and the relationship stagnates.

 

Whether it's moving in together, getting engaged or getting married, none of those things are irreversible. It's not like u can lock a guy in and make sure he marries u, that just sounds very possessive.
Why do u think a relationship "stagnates" if your so doesn't "feel the need for engagement/marriage" ? U can be in a very committed and fulfilling relationship even if u aren't married.
Maybe i'm dumb, but i don't even get the point of getting engaged, it's not like it's a step of any kind, getting engaged is just saying "we're gonna get married". Being engaged, imo, just means u're in a relationship, it's the same status.

So moving in together is not something u have to or don't have to do, it's just something u should do if u feel like it. If u miss your lover too much when they're away and can't live without them (and it's a mutual thing), then by all means move in with them. Who cares if u're engaged or not, do what makes u happy.

 

Getting engaged has nothing to do with locking a guy in. It's just a matter of what each person wants. If getting engaged is an important step to some people, I don't think it should be made to sound like something unreasonable just because you don't believe in it.

I mean there's a difference between being possessive and being sure that marriage is something you both want. There's nothing worse than moving in with someone and not knowing if you're on the same page, or knowing one of you wants to get married and the other doesn't think it's important. You can be committed, but it's not always enough for everyone and it's not wrong to want more, just like it's not wrong to not find marriage necessary. It's only important to know you're with someone who wants the same thing.

 

if the guy moves in and later decides marriage is not needed or wanted

then marriage is not needed or wanted...he would come to the same conclusion no matter the arrangement...half of all marriages FAIL...its got nothing to do with living arrangements before the dirty and useless deed

 

I highly recommend living with someone before marrying or having kids together.

I don't fell like I need to list the reasons - but I will say that even a "simple divorce" has become complicated and expensive, at least where I live.

 

I read something once that couples who lived together before they got married had a higher percentage of divorce than couples who moved in together after marriage. This makes me sad if it's true

 

I would approach the question from a different perspective. If the relationship isn't going to work, you're not likely to find that out until after you live together. The way you know somebody when you live with them is way different than the way you know them if you haven't lived together, or at least it takes a lot longer to get to know somebody on the deepest level when you aren't living together. And if you go the even more traditional route of not moving until after getting married, chances are you still won't be finding out whether you're truly compatible or not until you've actually spent some time living in the same place and sharing the same bedroom.

If a guy is using the fact that you're living together as an argument against getting married, he would probably find some other argument against it if you weren't living together. So it all comes down to open communication and honesty about what you truly both want in life. There are people out there who don't ever see themselves getting married, and that's a perfectly valid option if they're with someone who feels the same. But if you are the kind of person that wants marriage, you're not going to end up being very happy with somebody who feels the other way. And if you're only 20 years old and you're dating someone a similar age I would suggest very strongly that you take a while before deciding to even just move in with somebody. I remember being 20 and I thought I knew everything, and I also remember being 22 and rushing into a relationship and feeling like I was missing out on a lot of things because I was living with the person so quickly and so young.

Ultimately it comes down to what's right for both members of the relationship and the maturity level of the people involved. One other thought, I don't think of a relationship as being stagnant just because it's not going to the next expected step. Relationships don't have to go dating>exclusive>moving-in>engaged>married, just because you are at the exclusive stage for years and never move in or you live together and never get married, doesn't mean that the relationship itself isn't going anywhere. So again it depends on what's right for each individual. I find from my limited experience that relationships stagnate because the individuals allow themselves to stagnate in their own lives, not because they stop moving to each next stage.

 

You make some very good points, thank you. I'm asking this because my boyfriend and I are both 20 and we know we love each other and want to marry someday. There isn't a rush for it of course, but in the beginning we discussed what we wanted and he told me he wanted to move in together down the line before proposing. I said okay, then at least we would spend more time together. I mean, you can only learn more about each other the longer you spend together, so I agreed to that.

However, he recently told me that he didn't understand why people buy the expensive ring for engagements and then exchange the bands at the wedding instead of the other way around. He thought it would make more sense to save money for a wedding while getting engaged with a simple band. I said well that's fine with me (because honestly the ring doesn't mean that much to me, I just want to be with him). So I'm thinking since he wants to go the inexpensive route, he might be thinking of getting engaged sooner since getting a place together is taking longer than we first expected, and I've been getting the vibe that he's thinking more about proposing because he's kind of been dropping hints here and there.

I just wanted to know people's opinions on whether it would hurt the chances of our relationship lasting if we got engaged soon rather than doing it after we're settled in a place together. We've been together only a year and a half but we've been through a lot and are both in tough situations at home so we know we can make it through tough times, we have before.

 

Well in my experience, I've been living with my girlfriend for two years, were engaged, now we both aren't sure of what's going on. Details:

I moved 200 miles away to a small hick town to be with her. She said if I wanted to be with her, I would have to live down here, otherwise it wouldn't work. So I stayed.
Two years later, I still can't find meaningful steady work, I lose my car, my insurance, my (fill in blank) ___________.

She has a steady job in healthcare, and I am a tradesman. My job is contingent on having a vehicle and the economy and the weather.

You said you both been through a lot together, but we have to, and imo, things can change. Hearts, attitudes, your faith in the other person. My girl is losing patience with me, and faith in me because I am constantly hitting a shithole of bad circumstances. It is to the point where we argue and fight about everything, and cannot see eye to eye on anything. I am to the point where I am stuck in a 600sq. ft. apartment all day with her mountains of stuff, feeling cramped in, no room to put my clothes, selling all my shit so she can keep buying more shit. We have only two windows in the apartment, so the lack lighting kills your mood and motivation. She gets off work, bitches me out for not doing anything, then the rest of the night is fucked. We live a few miles from town, and it's cold as shit, and she bitches b/c I am not working steadily.

Long story short, it all depends. We were engaged, but had broken it off. If you two are stable, it will work, as long as there is no room for codependency. I, on the otherhand, am not stable, with a completely unmanageable life, so our relationship is more or less fucked!


P.s. More than likely this relationship is going to end with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head

 

i think the best thing to do is sex. living together before getting engaged is a good idea too though.

what about getting married to someone and not knowing if you're on the same page?

i love mad libs! i'll go with "chest hair."

 

I also advice you to make that step and live with him before marrying him, i am living with my boyfriend and we are also planning to get married in a year or so and i have not regretted it.

Living together is like a trial period; it can make you or break you but the fact is that you shall know... since you both want to get married then living together is only going to verify the fact that you are compatible and you can have a good start, if again you find yourself wanting to break up then it would happen with or without official papers...and i think that its far more easy to stop a relationship before ascending the churche's stair and far easier for everybody to accept it (relatives and yourselves)...

in other words i think thats is a valuable experience in life, a stage, that you shall not regret regardless of the outcome (staying together or breaking apart) because in both cases you shall be a winner.

 

Things tend to go badly when one person gives up a lot for the other. It's obvious you have a lot of resentment for her and you both don't seem very happy from what you're saying.

In the way we are together, we're pretty stable. Things were rocky in the beginning but we worked through it and we fight less now and we don't even come close to breaking up during any fights we do have. Whenever we have an issue we try to compromise so it doesn't feel like one person is giving in and the other isn't. As I said, we've been through a lot, both been depressed before but we find that we're much happier since we've met and become closer. I'll say honestly that I don't think I was really in love to start, or maybe I was but it's just grown now into a real deep love for him. I've read that 18 months was the average time that a couple falls out of love, but we're still going strong.

And as for what everyone else said, I definitely don't want to take my vows without having lived with my boyfriend. I was just wondering if you all thought it would have a negative effect if we got engaged before we moved in together, or put any unnecessary pressure on our relationship. I really want this to work and I don't want to rush things if it could fuck it up. I was engaged once before and it didn't end well.

I want to be patient but I don't want to wait so long that he thinks I don't want it anymore or that it isn't necessary.

 

Living together is the step before marriage, you are getting to know eachother in a much deeper level, if you like then you get married, if you dont you move on. there is no front or anything, you present yourself as you really are before marriage. eliminates the early divorce bullshit, there is nothing wrong with getting engaged and ten moving in together that way you know things are progressing. Pick a date, next year or in2 years who knows, as long as you both want to get married eventually, by saying no you may be missing out on something great. sometimes you just gotta go with theflow and do what feels rite to ya.

 

Set up a dungeon in the basement, with just a plank of wood for a bed and a pale for a toilet, no light to speak except a bug zapper. a cd player that only plays audio recordings of Dr Phil episodes and a walkie talkie of course so he can still communicate effectively in a relationship. Have him come home each day, hand over his credit cards and go straight down to the dungeon. Do this for a couple months or until his soul is crushed, whichever comes first.

Then you'll know if he's a keeper

 

You seem to have already figured out that communication is the key to everything important in a relationship. As long as you are open and honest with each other, listen with an open mind, and work hard at compromising fairly, you're going to be okay. You can do things in whatever order you want, and not worry too much about the opinions and experiences of other people. You're a person, not a national average statistic.

Well, I know for a fact that you can keep it going a lot longer than 18 months. It depends mostly on how much both of you are willing to put into it. How bad do you want it to last? Maybe 18 months is the average time for running out of positive energy and starting to not give a shit anymore about anything other than yourself.

Let's face it, most people suck at long-term relationships. It's so much easier to find sad stories than success stories. Society teaches us to be self-centered and have a short attention span. You have to fight that influence on your thinking every day, if you want better than average results.

Though I am very pro-love and pro-relationship, I'm not a big fan of marriage. The concept may be on the way to becoming obsolete, if it isn't already. If someone no longer wants to be with you, for whatever reason, do you want him to feel stuck because the divorce paperwork would be too complicated and expensive? What kind of a life is that? My goals and expectations for my own happiness in life are much higher than trapping some guy who wishes he could get away from me. And the trap works both ways. If he is stuck, then so am I. That's a formula for misery.

I know you've heard and read that the dread of divorce causes some couples to put in the extra effort and successfully work their problems out, but why do they need that incentive? I don't understand that. It all comes back to communication and compromise. If you get really good at those things, you don't need anything else.

I'm not saying that getting married is bad. The legal and financial benefits can be helpful to some people. I am saying that repeating vows in front of witnesses isn't magic. It changes nothing. Your relationship is exactly what you and your partner make it.

Engagement is nothing more than a word for a couple that is making plans for a wedding. Moving in with somebody is a more important step. You learn so much, so quickly. I hope you have a wonderful experience with it.

 

There's no point in trying to evade fate.

If something isn't going to work out, the sooner you find out, the better.

 

Thanks for the advice

 

I'm only for living together with a serious partner (in my case a serious girlfriend because I'm straight) if there's a solid exit plan for both parties if there's a falling out.

From watching others, I've seen couples split up and remain trapped in a living quarters because neither can afford the place to themselves but neither can afford to leave due to a job or something, and both parties are miserable as they bring their other dates home.

 

7 years. THAT's the challenge. Not sure where it comes from but there's something up with 7 years, it's a cycle of transition for many things, businesses, humans, relationships.
We as people completely regrow our skin every 7 yrs. Coincidence?

Alot of good advice here, especially communication. I can dig the marriage thing but it really is an outdated ritual. What started out as a business transaction between two men, (groom to be and the brides father) has turned into this odd "commitment" thing with religious overtones. (insert favorite religious faith here) In the old days it had nothing to do with commitment and everything to do with family business. And now, commitment has nothing to do with marriage.
As already said, commit to communication and it probably won't matter much in what order you do what.
You two sound great together. Wishing you much peace and light and happiness.

 

Seven Year Itch.

I'm so fond of the living together before marriage thing, that I think it should almost be mandatory.