When you think sex isn't important...

vanilla gorilla,

you are right, my friend. but just to clarify i had just now found out i was "hot". i had weight issues in the past and my body is still curvy yet firm, lol, but i have had the self esteem of an unhappily overweight girl (you know, because some people are happy when they're overweight, don't want to offend anyone.) i settled for him because he seemed like a nice guy, someone who WOULDN'T do what he did to me. i know i had it coming because i lied to myself and to him about being in love but i just wanted to not worry about being part of "the chase" anymore. and also, i think i actually fell in love with a man that is part of that 2% but our thing did not start as either of us wanting a relationship.

we lived far away from each other and we were both busy with our careers so, we kept it as a long distance fwb sort of thing. however, i fell in love. i stopped talking to him as frequently and told him i wanted to start dating so we broke off the whole fwb thing and he moved on to working, i moved on to dating my estranged husband. i didn't give myself time to process the fact that i actually had feelings for that guy because i felt like i cheated myself for letting it get to that level when i knew exactly what i was getting into and the whole thing genuinely started as just phone sex. somehow i connected with him in a way i haven't with anyone before and that scared me. scared me to the point of marrying a total stranger.

i am far more messed up than i thought.

for the record, you pinned me down exactly. i'm so scared of rejection and heartbreak that i don't have the courage to start the chase. i feel like i'm being a slut.

i'm now starting to be honest with myself and i have no problem with admitting my mistakes.

 

you may be right but caring about my reputation is what my parents taught me by force. i was raised in a very controlled household. i wish i didn't care, but i do. i believe that most men are turned off by a straight forward woman. you know, a woman that isn't afraid to tell you that she wants to fuck you on the first date. but i'm so conflicted that i turn back to balancing rights and wrongs when i should be doing whatever the hell i want. STILL there's a very dominant part of me that keeps yelling "SLUT!" every fucking time i try to actually be honest about my desires. i thought that having a husband would automatically entitle me to have someone who i could actually fuck without restraints, someone i could mold into my perfect lover. i tried controlling something that is out of anyone's control. god damn it...

like i said, messed up.

so this outburst is going to cost me, what? 3 points? lmao...

at this point, i can't believe all the things i did. what the fuck was i thinking?

 

It sounds to me like you were brought up in a very judgmental religious household especially in regards to sexual topics.
My advice is this, the whole shaming the women thing in most religious, especially Christianity, is a giant hypocrisy. To fight religious ideology with religious ideology, all sin is considered equal right? So the sin you committed here wasn't being honest with yourself in regards to your heart.

As for the inner voice that keeps telling you "your a slut", tell that part of yourself that you are simply HONESTLY exploring a part of yourself that NEEDS to be explored so you can stop living a lie, which is also sin. Even if you found a way to 'not be a slut' you still fall short of the Lord's grace because you lied to yourself which is also sin.

I think your starting to realize that religious ideology in matters of the heart and in sex, are really pointless and destructive to people.

Just be honest to yourself, to others, keep up your health, and basic moral character up (aka: don't lie, steal, hurt others) and I can assure you that good guys won't think badly of you.

 

Errgh, you get that stuff in your head more from the other girls than the guys.

Straight guys dont care as much about that as the girls do, they all same the same things, complain about all the silly little insecurities itself, goldigging or as Cherea mentioned the little princess routine ( which yes is probably the most annoying)

Look around you, how many times do you see the reasonably hot tradie guy and his girlfriend is some chubby horny thing. Or the ones that are actually happily married with a whole bunch of kids, the mum is usually always that chubby happy type


But back to the chase, worth giving a go at least a couple of times. All this crap about women have to be submissive comes from a whole bunch of guys out their too threatened by that, who arent really the ones worth it in the end.

And as monkjr mentioned all the stupid overly conservative stuff is really just about trying to suppress women, its all bullshit.

At least give it a try, not just whether it works or not, but so you can learn which methods attract different guys, all the different types out there

I know it might seem like its the way its supposed to be, the guys chase the girls. But if you just sit and wait for them, then you are going to stress too much about your appearance, and you are just going to attract the types like your ex, overbearing, immature little twits that are really just a truckload of performance anxiety - hence the sex is crap. and again as Cherea pointed out, you'll just end up a door mat.

Plus the chase is just fun, there's no reason the girls cant do it, in fact thats the way it should be, the world might actually be a better place.

Its one thing I've never understood about the girls, when its a guy you know is sooo out of your league and no one else is watching, well who cares if you crash and burn? You knew before hand he's hotter than you. Or back to the heat ray vision with the eye thing especially, thats like the hottest thing there is, so even if you crash and burn, 30 secs of eye heat is worth it, you'll go through a Walmart size pack of batteries in the following weeks

 

Yeah, the clingy stuff is not cool. Which, try as I may otherwise, is all I hear when women throw the L word around.

Shit, I am no stranger to it: I meet someone out of my league, I feel insecure, I feel mushy for them rather than just fucking the shit out of `em...which, in itself seems like a contradiction since they were supposed to be hot like coals.

And yet, I end up having more sexual fantasies about ugly people because I don`t need their validation; and the hot people end up nothing but eye candy, like a museum piece.

And, of course, this is massively unattractive to the hotter party...
--------

But there are a couple antidotes to the cling. And to me those are, experience, first of all.

Also, honestly assessing your attractiveness level which is impossible, so actually most people probably view you as under what you think you are. That will give you more realistic goals.

Finally, date many people at once. God knows that's what the folks who are absolutely destined to fuck and know it, are doing.

 

cherea,

not trying to be clingy. i don't know what other word to use to describe my feelings for him. i'm so confused about him and i felt something i've never felt before with him. but yea, clingy is the last thing i want to be.

i was raised in a Christian household but my parents contradicted themselves constantly. Pretty much it was "do as i say, not as i do." They think they have a right to judge me just because they're my parents. I never get any respect from them at all. Especially when I disagree with them about something. I stopped talking to my father because he has done such harm to me and my self esteem. he used to beat me just for talking back to him about wanting my privacy when i was 19 years old, still living at home, and paying them rent and utilities on top of it. I left the house from that point on and became independent. I knew that there was something wrong and I was going to end up far worse.

vanilla gorilla,

the real men out there don't care about me having some cushion? i wish i knew this before! all my life i thought i had to be on the same level as a guy to get them to go out with me. never thought once about actually being myself and going after what i want. it's so simple! you know, i've paid a lot of money for counseling due to all of this and both of you helped me in less time than it took to fill out the intake form and for free! :2thumbsup:

and now i'm starting to think that the whole reason why i've developed feelings for that friend i was talking about earlier was because with him, it was the first time i actually acted like myself and did what i wanted without any inhibitions. i felt safe to do so because no one really knew about us. i care way too much about what people think.

thank you both for everything, you've opened my eyes.

 

I think you're onto something about yourself Vixxen. Congrats!

As for your parents, I know it's kinda weird emotionally for you because your mad at them and yet at the same time they're your parents so...gah it's tricky, that's a landmine you gotta figure out for yourself. But I'm glad you figured out staying with them wasn't healthy for you.

To a point they are reacting the way they are with you partly because that's probably how they were raised and 'trained' to react because of the whole dogma surrounding religion. First off as a christian I'd like to point out that Jesus hated hypocrites, which is what your parents seem to be based on your previous post. Jesus pretty much told them they have no credibility to tell others what to do. (aka: blind leading the blind, is the passage that conveys this message) So knowing this, try to be guilt free here, even the Christian faith is behind you rebelling against your parents and striking it out on your own.
(Just note that during this rebelling phase, don't do like hardcore drugs that end up screwing up your health that can be all bad, trust me I've seen it happen to a couple of friends)

My advice is to just kinda hit the reset button in your mind about your self-worth, and adopt the mantra that you ARE loved unconditionally, and nobody else has the right to judge you.

I think people in general form some of the best relationships with others when there's an air of relaxation between the individuals involved. This applies to friendships and/or romances.

Also get out of your head the "fairy tale romance" expectation many have about love. That's all DISNEY speaking to you. It's not necessarily realistic for true love to be that way, sometimes love just happens over a long period of time between close friends and it starts out as purely platonic.

 

Thank you, monkjr! I've been struggling with my faith because of all this. I've never been religious but I've always believed in God and Jesus Christ. I've always believed that NO ONE has the right to judge you but it's tough when it comes to my parents since they always throw in the "you have to honor your parents, it says so on the Bible" card in front of me. They don't understand that even when I don't do things the way they want me to, it shouldn't change our relationship and it has nothing to do with whether i respect them or not. They just don't get that I'm an adult and I'm allowed to make my own decisions. They get so angry when i don't take their advice that they withdraw their love and they start picking favorites among my siblings. I've come to the conclusion that it's impossible to please them so, I'm not even going to try anymore.

I mean, these people threatened me with kicking me out of the house during their "birds and the bees" talk if i ever lost my virginity before marriage. which i did and when they found out, they couldn't do anything because i had a counselor from school backing me up. oh, i had just turned 18 at the time as well... batshit crazy, i'm telling you.

and don't worry, alcohol and weed is as far as i go.

thanks everyone! i just have to get used to being on the prowl again... :afro:

but this time, i'm gonna be the predator, not the prey... *puts on sunglasses* yyyeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh! :smilielol5:

 

Great thread! And no--you don't need to give respect to anyone that doesn't give it to you,parents or otherwise. Period. Predate on,then!!

 

thank you!

and also, it's not just the religion. I'm full puertorican and the culture plays a huge part on all of this as well. that "family comes first" thing gets way out of hand to the point of you're either on your family's side or elsewhere.

not saying hispanic households are all like this but in my case, that is all i've seen around me and not just my family although it was even worse for me.

 

sidenote: vanilla gorilla's posts give me a headache sometimes, trying to make sense of them. Its an interesting brand of logic.

Anyways. I don't really have any advice to offer. This thread has shown an obvious correlation between psychology and sexuality. Get yo' mind right and then go get some,girl.

 

yes, ma'am! *salute* lol... i'm a dork..

 

Well if you ever need to fight scripture with scripture then I can help you out there especially if you still have internal mental struggles about the whole "family comes first thing" (which is nepotism by the way another form of selfishness, selflessness is limitless, probably also sin).

The virginity thing to me only makes sense in regards to health if you don't want an STD or early pregnancy. But other than that..it says in the bible (at least for guys, and probably the same for girls by inference) that if we even think about a girl in a lustful way we've already sinned...might as well go all the way right?

--->As for the honor thy parents thing; I think society has taken it too far to OBEY your parents. There are plenty of stories in the bible that depict a well known character in the bible resisting their parent's wishes in the name of what is morally right or something they just NEED to do in the name of God or w/e.

This PROVES that the bible never meant OBEY your parents 100% without thinking for yourself; it just meant that you need to acknowledge to a certain point that they did give you life and probably love you despite having a harsh and cold way of showing it, okay fair enough. (besides why would you follow your parent's example...they were hypocrites right? Jesus said not to follow hypocrites, so rebelling against them is the Christian thing to do)

I'll hunt around for a few stories in the bible where kids rebelled against their parents, and still won favor with God in the end if it'll give your mind some peace and quiet.

I think it's somewhere in the new testament, maybe in Revelations I can't recall for sure.

 

they are hypocrites but they can't see it. i can't even get to the point of fighting scripture with scripture with them. they'll just yell at the end, when they have run out of things to say, and shout out the things they feel would hurt me so i shut up and they have the last word.

they seem to have a list of things...

1. "see? you married a guy, changed your last name for him and look, you failed."

2. "if you didn't open up your legs at the sight of a man with blue eyes, you wouldn't be in this mess."
or my favorite:

3. "we didn't teach you to do the things you're doing and we don't approve. You're a bad daughter, you bring shame to this family."

yea, then they call me 2 weeks after to pretend like nothing happened and hang up on me when i tell them i STILL didn't do what they wanted me to do. like i said, i haven't spoken to my father in months but my mom is now giving up on saying anything about my life at all. what can they say that they haven't already? i don't care what they think now because they're crazy and everyone knows it. people don't help by patronizing them but they like a good show and my parents can put up a hell of an act, i tell ya!

Edit: Oh, and this is mostly my father talking but my mother backs him up for the most part. she started as his victim and then became his sidekick. now they're in the process of a divorce and she's trying to come my way. of course i won't reject her and my door will be opened for her whenever she needs because she's my mother regardless. however, i have been telling her if she's going to come live with me, she's doing just that.. SHE is living with ME, not the other way around. i told her i don't want any drama, anyone trying to tell me what to do, much less fight with me on a constant basis. i warned her that she would be out on the first strike because i'm not dealing with bullshit. i refuse to because i work too damn hard to have what i have and i don't need anyone shitting on it.

 

I don't think there's anything else to say.

Shit happens. Move on.

 

*Hands a plate of christmas cookies* Best of luck, I don't mean to offend or patronize you or your parents. Sorry.

And for what it's worth I think your doing the right thing 100%, you recognize you can't force your parents to change their behavior. How they are reacting to you, is a problem THEY need to work on. It's not your problem.

For what it's worth, if and when I have kids, if I had a daughter like you I'd be happy.

 

vixxen; seriously, what you need is a good hard screw. you dont need to go and find loads of different blokes to get yourself sorted. any fella you find half decent will be good enough but go into it knowing that it'll only be a short lived thing. 3 sessions only or whatever.

if you cry afterwards who cares.
if you have a mind blowing orgasm, well then thats what you were looking for.

come over this way, i'll help you out, you can even cry on my shoulder afterwards

:afro:

 

you're not telling me what i want to hear, you're telling me the truth about the situation. im being as honest as possible here because i needed the help. no need to apologize for anything at all. your replies have helped me so much along with everyone else on here. THANK YOU. i know i'm not a bad daughter, i'm far from it. i've lived my life, made mistakes, but once i recognize myself, i never trip over the same stone twice.

@bigdo, lol. :mickey:

 

^ This guy has a point too, but personally I'd be concerned of STD's nowadays, especially ones that are drug-resistant now, so random hookups without protection and no medical history is not for me.

But I don't know maybe you wanna take your risks Vixxen, up to you.

 

oh no, i'm good with all that. i will date and see what happens. i'm probably just going to go with the flow. if i know enough about the guy and we've been on a couple of dates, then yea, why not? but i will always use protection. especially since i have a higher risk of getting an infection due to the birth control i'm using. with my first, i made him wait two months while i went on the pill, plus made him get checked. also, we would always use a condom anyway. i won't go to that extreme of making someone get tested and have them bring me results unless they're the ones who want to but i will use protection.